Football betting recap: Bad offenses, safeties and a butt punt

Here’s to you, “Hammer the unders!” bettor! You listened to the experts, you tossed that knowledge into your group text threads like the boss you are, and this weekend you cried tears of joy. As for the money-line folks? The football gods again reminded us our sorrow is their delight. Buckets of tears were filled, and we’re here to break it down.

Dan Orlovsky now has the distinction of being the second prettiest quarterback to ever accidentally run out of the back of the end zone, but this 49ers-Broncos game takes the cake as the ugliest thing we’ve seen in ages. 11-10? Really? On Sunday night when we can’t even tune in to another game?! Money-line bettors — we’re SURE Jimmy Garoppolo would help the passing offense. Oops.

Only Orlovsky got to celebrate this one

Verdict: Three buckets

It’s ok to admit that Tom Brady and Aaron Rodgers are incredible and their offenses are also incredibly bad, right? We knew this would be a defensive struggle, but you know Bucs money-line people were feeling all kinds of swaggy when Tampa had the chance to tie it with a 2-point conversion.

Oops. One wild delay of game penalty followed by a failed 2-point conversion and Packers money was celebrating like Remy from Ratatouille if he found a cheese board.

Verdict: Two buckets — one filled with sadness and one with joy.

Why does a blowout win by Jacksonville make this list? Because some of you lucky bettors were so confident in this game when you thought Herbert wouldn’t play, and you know darn well you threw your hands up in sadness and disgust when you found out he was in the lineup. Still, walk your walk and talk your talk because right now you look brilliant.

Verdict: 1.5 buckets — mostly filled with your pre-kickoff tears you’re now going to deny.

Bills offensive coordinator Ken Dorsey looked just like your Bills fan buddy at the bar as this game finished.

This has all the makings of a “why did I chase THAT game” game. First-half bad beat?

Winning team outgained by 275 stinking yards? Cool. Perfect. We even had a butt punt. A cheek kick? A tush push? OK, I’ll stop now.

Verdict: 3.5 buckets … and a clear indication of which side I bet on.

As always, we have to give Saturday credit for their contributions to chaos.

Missouri kicker Harrison Mevis had the chance to be the “Thicker Kicker Upper” with what could have been a game-winning chip-shot field goal to beat Auburn, but he wasn’t “Downy” to let this thing end in regulation.

I’m not proud of that joke. Actually, I am.

Anyway, Auburn got in on the missed kick fun, but an offsides call gave them a second shot in overtime. That turned into an Auburn lead, and I can only imagine the “Tastes great! Less filling!” back and forth that was happening at sports bars everywhere between Auburn and Missouri backers. Then … well … Missouri fans were reminded why they can’t have nice things.

Verdict: Five buckets

Raise your hand if you picked this upset. Now keep your hand in the air so we know who is buying dinner for the rest of the year.

Verdict: Four buckets of cash

Win or lose — from the first bucket of wings (with a side of bleu cheese, of course, as we can all agree ranch is trash) Saturday afternoon all the way to the last wing you ate Sunday night while you asked yourself how many hours are too many hours for chicken to sit out at room temperature — buckets were filled.

You can tweet me @jasonfitz with your bucket fillers and even get some awesome swag. Here’s to another week of chaos, my friends.