President and Venal Houseplant Joe Biden traveled to the Middle East this week to meet with Arab leaders, who refused to see him, and so instead he sat in his hotel room throwing playing cards into a hat. While the president was away, the United States government was run by a shadowy cabal of far-Left authoritarians who pretended Joe Biden was running things, so no change there.
Houseplant Biden did meet with soon-to-be-former Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu to personally relay his message that Israel should utterly destroy Hamas, just dont hurt anybody. To honor their United States allies, Israeli dignitaries performed the ancient Jewish ritual of nodding politely while the powerful goyim are speaking before sidling quietly out of the room to go kill their enemies.
Terrorist leaders, meanwhile, have declared today a Day of Unprecedented Anger to be followed by A Day of Unbridled Nastiness, then a Day of Unbelievable Aggravation and Irritability after which theyll return to normal, simply slaughtering innocent people as the opportunity presents itself.
Here, in the United States, Shadow President Barack Obama reacted to the greatest atrocity committed against the Jews since Auschwitz by forcefully sort of objecting to it two and half days later. To those who believed his response was a detestable signal to White House staffers not to stand too close to the rug that would soon be pulled out from under the feet of the Israelis, an Obama spokesman assured the media that the shadow president is working for peace behind the scenes by helping to supply Iran with nuclear weapons so they can join the community of nations, strapped with nuclear weapons.
FBI Director Christopher Baby Face Wray announced that the homeland terrorist threat level has risen from Red to Holy Crap, weve let a flood of illegal immigrants into the country and have no idea who they are or where theyre hiding. Wray said the Bureau would now focus their attention on trying not to giggle when they uselessly warn Americans to duck and cover during the next inevitable jihadi attack. Wray says this might mean withdrawing some agents from their important work of intimidating parents who are trying to protect their children from the Teachers Union and other sexual deviants. The Teachers Union said they would help out by distributing a coloring book entitled Stranger Danger, which will tell children that if their parents drive up and offer them a lift, they should run to the nearest teacher, jump into his windowless white van and disappear forever.
On campuses around the country, leftist groups are scrambling to rebrand themselves now that they realize they actually SUPPORT fascism and genocidal murder. At Harvard, for instance, the students Palestine Solidarity Group has unveiled their new protest chant, Donald Trump is literally Hitler so lets kill the Jews. The UC Berkeley Group Feminists for Hamas has their new manifesto which begins, We know that feminists supporting violently patriarchal Islamists makes absolutely no sense, but were just ditzy girls and can get away with this stuff because were cute and we smell good.And of course LGBTQ-plus Palestine supporters have developed their new slogan: Queers for Palestine, Moving Upward From Brainless to Headless. At Dartmouth, the administration reacted to student support for anti-Semitic mass murder by releasing a statement saying, Frankly, we wish wed known we were Nazis sooner, because its so much easier to spell than decolonization.
As the fighting in Gaza continues, American military experts are using Artificial Intelligence to map out the future of various scenarios. For instance, one prediction from Military AI reads: I looked, and behold, there was a great earthquake, and the sun became black as sackcloth, the full moon became like blood, and the sky vanished like a scroll that is being rolled up, and everyone hid themselves, calling to the mountains and rocks, Fall on us and hide us from the Lamb for the great day of his wrath has come.
The AI also predicted that Charity Lawson will overcome the heartache of her breakup with Zach Shallcross and find lasting love on this season of Bachelorette.
Andrew Klavan is the host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire. He is an award-winning novelist, Hollywood screenwriter, and popular satirist. Klavan isthe author of When Christmas Comes and When Christmas Comes the first two novels in the USA Today best-selling Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, The House of Love and Death, releases on October 31, 2023, and is now available forPre-order.
Follow Klavan on Twitter:@andrewklavan
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of The Andrew Klavan Show.
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
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