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Inspirational thought of the week:

You must think on a different level, like the CIA does.
We’re through the looking glass here, people.
White is black.
And black is white.

— Kevin Costner as Jim Garrison, “JFK”

Under the supervision of the reverse vampires,
they are forcing our parents to go to bed early,
In a fiendish plot to eliminate the meal of dinner!
We are through the looking glass here, people.

— Milhouse Van Houten, “The Simpsons”

Here at Bottom 10 Headquarters, located in Jeff Saturday’s just-vacated wardrobe closet at ESPN, we spent last weekend crystalizing our already-strong feelings that when it comes to knowledge, we know nothing.

The Vanderbilt Commode Doors have been a mainstay of the 2022 Bottom 10, whether they were ranked or sitting on the Waiting List, the losers of 26 straight SEC games long having put the “mean” in “It Just Means More.” Then they beat No. 24 Kentucky in Lexington.

It was just two weeks ago that we promoted/demoted #gobc, aka Boston College, into these standings, after four straight losses. Then they beat No. 16 NC State.

By The Time I Get To Arizona knocked off No. 12 UCLA. The Artist Formerly Known as Pur-don’t upset No. 21 Ill-ugh-noise. And in Storrs, Connecticut, the team we used to call U-Can’t totally U-Did, extinguishing the AP’s 19th-ranked Liberty Flames to become bowl eligible for the first time in seven years.

But to be clear, this is no conspiracy theory. This is real. The Bottom 10 multiverse is legit. We know this because we walked through the looking glass. OK, we actually walked into a sliding glass door, but when we were asked, “How many fingers am I holding up?” she definitely had 12. We’re sure of it.

With apologies to Dr. Steven Strange, Oliver Stone, former Alabama A&M quarterback Aqeel Glass and Steve Harvey, here are the post-Week 11 Bottom 10 rankings.

1. UMess (1-9)

The Minutemen lost the Pillow Fight of Week at then-No. 8 Arkansaw State 35-33 when a late rally came up just short — like, half a yard short of a 2-point conversion that could have forced overtime. It was also the second time in three weeks that we had an unexpected Bottom 10 bureau reporter on site to watch UMass lose. Now the Minutemen face an unexpected opponent in the year’s most unexpected edition of the Pillow Fight of the Week. But to find out who that foe shall be, you’re gonna have to keep reading and wait a minute, man.

2. US(notC)F (1-9)

The Bulls cashed in their Bottom 10 Hey We Just Fired Our Coach FastPass one week ago and followed that up with a coach-less loss to SMU. Now they travel to face Bottom 10 Waiting List member Living on Tulsa Time, which is still suffering from a totally understandable year-long Myrtle Beach Bowl championship hangover.

3. Akronmonious (1-9)

The Zips dropped their home finale with a loss to Eastern Not Western Or Central Michigan, but their Bottom 10 title hopes took a hit when then-No. 7 Northern Ill-ugh-noise had the audacity to earn its third win of the season, over Western Not Eastern Or Central Michigan. That stole some zip from their Thanksgiving weekend season finale, which had had serious Bottom 10 Megabowl potential.

4. Colora-duh (1-9)

The Buffs continued their “How can we help your Heisman candidate?” goodwill tour, as they allowed a five-touchdown performance by USC quarterback Caleb Williams on the heels of allowing a five-touchdown performance by Oregon quarterback Bo Nix. I’m no Nostradamus, but I’m here to say that this weekend Washington quarterback Michael Penix Jr. will account for five touchdowns against the Buffs.

5. The Agricultural and Mechanical College of Texas (3-7)

Have you seen this trend within collegiate athletics where big donors have coaching positions and even entire position groups named for them? For example, Stanford head coach David Shaw is the Bradford M. Freeman Director of Football and Notre Dame’s Tommy Rees is the John and Bobbie Arlotta Family Offensive Coordinator/Quarterbacks Coach. Well, we’d like to extend an invitation to our friends in College Station to make this the John James “Jimbo” Fisher Jr. Coveted Fifth Spot. Perhaps we could make the announcement during halftime of this weekend’s Pillow Fight of the Week vs. UMass.

6. North by Northworstern (1-9)

Shoutout to back in the day — like, I dunno, two years ago? — when the Mildcats would look at regular season-ending matchups with Purdue and Illinois and already be buying bottles of sunscreen for their inevitable holiday trip to a Florida bowl game. Now they are looking at those games and are already buying bottles of Lysol for their inevitable holiday trip to an Evanston toilet bowl.

7. Whew Mexico No-bos (2-9)

The Mountain West invasion of these rankings begins New Mexico Not New Mexico State, who have lost seven in a row and already have their Bottom 10 eyes trying to focus on two weeks from now when they face Colorado State. But …

8. No-vada (2-8)

Colorado State isn’t ranked in this spot because it beat Nevada back in Week 5 and the very next week the Oof Pack lost to …

9. Huh-why-yuh (2-9)

The Warriors have won only twice this year, but one of those was that Week 5 win over Nevada, which they immediately followed up with a loss to …

10. Colora-duh State (2-8)

So, to recap, the Rams beat Hawai’i and Nevada and will host New Mexico in the Black Friday season finale. Our plan to sort it all out is to bribe the people over at ESPN Stats & Information research, begging them to input all of this into their computers to see what FPI says about it. Bribe them with what? Some deep-fried Cajun turkey leftovers from Thanksgiving. Have you ever seen the fire that erupts from one of those fryers if you don’t thaw the turkey all the way? That’s exactly what that FPI machine is gonna look like when the Mountain West is done with it.

Waiting list: Charlotte 2-and-9ers, Arkansaw State, Texas State Armadillos, Virginia Tech No-kies, Old Duh-minion, Northern Ill-ugh-noise, Western Not Eastern Or Central Michigan, Temple of Doom, both sides of the Big Game.

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Buckeyes seize No. 1; LSU, Canes rise as Tide fall

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Buckeyes seize No. 1; LSU, Canes rise as Tide fall

Ohio State climbed to No. 1 in the Associated Press Top 25 college football poll on Tuesday, LSU and Miami moved into the top five, and Florida State jumped back into the rankings at the expense of Alabama, which plummeted to its lowest spot in 17 seasons.

The defending national champion Buckeyes received 55 of 66 first-place votes to move up two spots after their win over preseason No. 1 Texas. Ohio State is at the top of a regular-season poll for the first time since November 2015.

The Longhorns dropped to No. 7 as the media voters shuffled the rankings following a topsy-turvy Labor Day weekend. It was only the second time — and first since 1972 — that two top-five teams lost in Week 1 and the first time that four top-10 teams lost.

Only three teams in the Top 25 are in the same spot they were in the preseason poll.

Penn State got seven first-place votes and remained No. 2. LSU, which received three first first-place votes, was followed by Georgia and Miami to round out the top five.

Oregon got the other first-place vote and was followed by Texas, the Clemson Tigers, Notre Dame and South Carolina.

LSU jumped six spots after winning at Clemson and Miami got a five-rung promotion for its victory over Notre Dame.

The biggest movers in the poll were Florida State and Alabama after the Seminoles’ 31-17 victory in their head-to-head matchup.

The Seminoles, who were 15 spots outside the Top 25 in the preseason, are now No. 14. The Crimson Tide fell all the way from No. 8 to No. 21 — their lowest ranking since Bama was No. 24 in the 2008 preseason poll. That was the second of Nick Saban’s 17 teams in Tuscaloosa.

It’s been quite a turnabout for Florida State. The Seminoles were No. 10 in the 2024 preseason, lost their first two games, finished 2-10 and weren’t ranked again until now.

Utah, at No. 25, joins Florida State as the only newcomers to this week’s poll. The Utes are ranked for the first time since last October, when they were at the front end of a seven-game losing streak.

Utah had received the second-most points, behind BYU, among teams outside the preseason Top 25, but the Utes got more credit for beating UCLA on the road than the Cougars received for hammering FCS foe Portland State.

Boise State, which had been No. 25, received no votes following its 34-7 loss at South Florida. The Broncos had appeared in 14 straight polls.

The other team to drop out of the poll was No. 17 Kansas State, which followed up its season-opening loss to Iowa State with a last-minute home win over FCS team North Dakota.

Ohio State is the first team to take over the top spot in the first regular-season poll since Alabama in 2012. It was the biggest jump to No. 1 in the first regular-season poll since USC was promoted from No. 3 in 2008.

Texas’ fall was the biggest for a preseason No. 1 since Auburn dropped to No. 8 in the first regular-season poll of 1984.

LSU has its highest ranking after Week 1 since it was No. 3 in 2012, and Miami has its highest ranking after Week 1 since it was No. 5 in 2004.

South Carolina is in the top 10 in the regular season for the first time since it was No. 8 in December 2013.

CONFERENCE CALL

SEC: 10 (Nos. 3, 4, 7, 10, 13, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22)

Big Ten: 6 (Nos. 1, 2, 6, 11, 15, 23)

ACC: 4 (Nos. 5, 8, 14, 17)

Big 12: 4 (Nos. 12, 16, 24, 25)

Independent: 1 (No. 9)

RANKED VS. RANKED

No. 15 Michigan at No. 18 Oklahoma: This weekend’s game will be the first meeting since Oklahoma beat the Wolverines in the Orange Bowl to win the 1975 national championship. Wolverines freshman QB Bryce Underwood gets put to the test in his second start.

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Hold that, Tiger: Kelly asks if Dabo saw 2nd half

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Hold that, Tiger: Kelly asks if Dabo saw 2nd half

While Dabo Swinney isn’t inflating LSU‘s grade for beating his team in Saturday’s season opener, Brian Kelly is ready to give the Clemson coach an incomplete for his evaluation.

Both coaches weighed in Tuesday on how LSU’s 17-10 win at Clemson should be viewed. After trailing 10-3 at halftime, LSU outscored Clemson 14-0 in the second half and finished with significant edges in both total yards (354-261) and first downs (25-13).

LSU rose six spots to No. 3 in the AP Top 25 poll Tuesday, while Clemson dropped four spots to No. 8.

“It was a helluva game, down to the last play,” Swinney said in his weekly news conference. “Right out of the gate. It’s like getting the final exam [on] Day 1 of class. They made a 65; we made a 58. Neither one of us were great.”

Kelly had not won a season opener at LSU before Saturday, and the victory was his first with the Tigers against an AP top-5 opponent.

“I thought we dominated them in the second half, so he’s really a really good grader for giving himself a 58, or he’s a really hard grader on us,” Kelly said in his news conference when told about Swinney’s comment.

“Or he didn’t see the second half, which, that might be the case. He might not have wanted to see the second half.”

Kelly added that LSU is moving on to this week’s game against Louisiana Tech.

“Clemson is a darn good football team,” Kelly said. “That’s a top-notch team, and they’re going to be a team in the hunt for [the] playoff picture. We hope we are, too. But it was only one game. So I don’t know if he’s a hard grader or an easy grader, but I like the way that we played in the second half.”

Clemson visits LSU to open the 2026 season.

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Venables: Michigan’s Underwood ‘a little different’

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Venables: Michigan's Underwood 'a little different'

Oklahoma coach Brent Venables said Bryce Underwood “looks to be wise beyond his years” and compared Michigan‘s freshman quarterback to former Clemson national championship QB Trevor Lawrence on Tuesday ahead of the No. 18 Sooners’ Week 2 visit from the No. 15 Wolverines.

Underwood, ESPN’s No. 1 overall recruit in the 2025 class, will make his second career start at Oklahoma on Saturday (7:30 p.m. ET, ABC).

The coveted freshman earned Michigan’s starting job at the end of fall camp, beating out a collection of experienced passers on the depth chart including offseason portal additions Mikey Keene (Fresno State) and Jake Garcia (East Carolina). Underwood delivered a smooth college debut against New Mexico in Week 1, completing 21 of 31 passes for 251 yards and a touchdown in Michigan’s 34-17 win.

At Oklahoma, Underwood is set to face a much stiffer challenge against Venables, who resumed control of the Sooners’ defensive playcalling ahead of the 2024 season, and an experienced defense that held Illinois State to 151 yards of total offense in Week 1.

The former Clemson defensive coordinator compared Underwood to Lawrence, the five-star quarterback prospect who started as a freshman in 2018 and led the Tigers to a national championship win over Alabama.

“He’s a little different,” Venables said of Underwood. “It reminds me a lot of a Trevor Lawrence. Quick. Decisive. Accurate. Poised. Tough. Consistent. There’s a reason he was the No. 1 player in America. And he’s got a maturity and a work ethic and leadership agility to go along with that.”

As Oklahoma seeks to rebound from a 6-7 finish last fall, a new-look Sooners offense will get a test of its own Saturday.

Behind transfer QB John Mateer and first-year offensive coordinator Ben Arbuckle, Oklahoma gained 495 yards of offense in its 35-3, season-opening win over Illinois State. Mateer, who arrived in the offseason from Washington State alongside Arbuckle, passed Baker Mayfield for the most passing yards by an Oklahoma QB in a debut with 392 yards.

On Tuesday, Venables highlighted the Wolverines’ experience on defense, particularly in the front seven, as a defining challenge for the Sooners in an intriguing Week 2 matchup between two of college football’s most storied brands.

“[It’s] a defense that for the last several years has been one of the gold standards of college football when it comes to playing good defense,” Venables said. “It’s going to be a great physical matchup, and for us, a great litmus test to where we’re at.”

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