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The number 1 thing about going number 2 is to have a cleanup plan. Unfortunately, toilet paper (TP) may not always be by your side. Be it because you are camping, a country-wide TP shortage, or that things have gone sideways and you didnt store nearly enough. Dont fret and do the penguin waddle to the neighbors to borrow a few squares. Here are 15 TP plant substitutes that nature has provided for us!Why Natural Substitutes

TP is one of the greatest inventions and hygiene improvements. However, we havent always had this pleasure. More importantly, it may not be with us for ever. Even as recently as the Covid-19 pandemic, several rumors plunged us deep into a TP panic. Manufacturers were running overtime. Store shelves were empty. The few stores that had stock, limited purchases to only a few rolls. Even worse, some people went without.

Events dont need to be as dramatic. It only takes a walk in the woods when nature calls to show the need for a little foraging knowledge. Finding the right plant may mean the difference between a comfortable and very uncomfortable walk home.

Finally, as we prepare for harsher times, the focus usually lands on food, firearms, medical supplies, or other sexier topics than TP. The reality is we need it and should have it as a part of our long-term stores. One roll per person per week is the average use. That being said, funds and storage space arent unlimited. Eventually, you will need TP plant substitutes.

Read ahead for 15 of the best that you can start identifying around your home now.

Garden TP Plant Substitutes

The first, and easiest, TP plant substitutes to source can come from your own garden. It may be easiest for you, from an identification standpoint, to grow your own. Not surprisingly, there are several TP plant substitutes you can plan as a part of your annual harvest.

Cabbage (Brassica oleracea)

Who knew you could use cabbage outside of the kitchen? Cabbage makes one of the best homegrown TP plant substitutes as it has large sturdy leaves. In fact, many of the leaves get harvested as waste material as you trim to expose the inner head. Use these leaves as TP if you reserve them. To aid in their longevity, dry them. Just not too much or they will get brittle.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cabbage

Cauliflower (Brassica oleracea)

Cauliflower is very similar to cabbage. In fact, they are different cultivars of the same species. The leaves may not be as numerous or large, but they are still just as viable for TP use.

As cauliflower grows, the inner leaves are usually pinned over the head to keep it white. The outer leaves are trimmed off while the plant grows. This guarantees a ready supply of TP plant substitutes!

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cauliflower

Lambs Ears (Stachys byzantina)

I know that Lambs ears are normally considered a wild plant, but there is no reason not to include them in your garden or with your ornamental plantings. From food to medicine, to bathroom needs, there are many reasons to move Lambs Ears from the wilds to the garden.

Lambs Ears grow easily and spread, providing an abundance of leaves. The softness of the leaves is unparalleled (hence, the name) and the leaves are naturally antibiotic. What more could you ask?

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stachys_byzantina

Grape Leaves (Vinis vitifera)

Grapes arent just for wine. Use these leaves for both cooking and to support your hygiene. Each leave is about the size of a normal TP square and is hardy enough to stand up to the job.

Start a trellis near your outhouse and within a year or two youll have enough natural TP to meet your familys needs.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vitis_vinifera

Foraged TP Plant Substitutes

Never limit TP plant substitutes to cultivated spaces around your house. Nature abounds with tools to manage all our needs. You just need to arm yourself with the proper knowledge.

Remember, always make sure you have 100% positively identified your plant. You dont want a poison ivy leaf to slip in. When using a newly identified plant, rub a small piece on your forearm or wrist, then wait 15 minutes to ensure that you dont have a negative reaction to the new plant.

Borage (Borago officinalis)

Borage is a wildflower that is distributed throughout Europe, the United Kingdom, and rarely in the United States. While Europeans primarily use Borage as a food (leaves and extracted seed oils) the youngest leaves can also be used as TP plant substitutes.

While small, the young leaves are soft and sturdy. The older leaves develop harsh hairs that make use less pleasant.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borage

Blue Spur Flower (Plectranthus ciliatus)

Tall, fragrant, and beautifully flowered, Blue Spur Flower, has been used for generations for bathroom duty. The leaves are exceptionally soft and large, which makes it an efficient flower to plant for TP use. A natural spreader, it will often take over any area that it is planted. You can often find it growing wild in hot climates.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Plectranthus_ciliatus

Corn Lily (Clintonia borealis)

Corn Lily is a low growing plant with petite yellow flowers and blue berries. The leaves, while being editable, are long and broad and perfectly suited for bottom cleanup detail. The smooth leaves may not be as comfortable as some of the others on this list, but they are stout enough to hold up to the biggest jobs.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clintonia_borealis

Large Leaf Aster (Eurybia macrophylla)

Another plant filling multiple rolls, including as a TP plant substitute, is Large Leaf Aster. The leaves can be eaten, used medicinally, and their size, texture, and durability make them perfect to use in the bathroom. The leaf shape and daisy-like flower make them unmistakable and easy to identify.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eurybia_macrophylla

Mullein (Verbascum)

Ranked near the top for backend hygiene is Mullen. Second only to Lambs Ears, the large soft leaves, as well as the spike-like shape of the plant and brilliant yellow flowers, make Mullen easy to find and easy to use.

Usually found in transition spaces between fields and trees, as well as rougher soils, Mullens height and flowers make it stick out like a beacon.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Verbascum

Common Mallow (Malva neglecta)

Common Mallow is at home in the woods just as much as it is at home in a flower garden. It, or one of its many variants, can be found throughout the world. The irregular shaped leaves may require a little creativity, however they are soft and will get the job done.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Malva_neglecta

Old Mans Beard (Tillandsia usneoides)

Old Mans Beard is unlike any other plant on the list. Also called Spanish Moss, it can be found hanging from trees often in great numbers in warmer climates. Ignoring the appearance, it can be soft, however you need to gather a fair amount to make sure you have sufficient density (therefore avoiding any accidents).

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spanish_moss

H2: Plantain (Plantago major)

Is there anything Plantain cant do? Its a food. Its a medicine. And now it provides bathroom coverage. Left to grow, the leaves can become sizeable. As an added bonus, the leaves, when used as a poultice, heal the skin with remarkable speed. Just in case you have a rash in this sensitive area.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Plantago_major

Pink Wild Pear (Dombeya burgessiae)

Pink Wild Pear is also known as the Tropical Hydrangea. Cultivated outside of its native Africa, these plants can reach over 15 feet in height. The leaves are broad and tough, with a softness to them that will be a benefit to the backside.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dombeya

Tamarisk Moss (Thuidium tamariscinum)

Blessed is the backside that has a field of moss. The ultimate lush TP plant substitute, moss is thick, soft, and very capable of cleanup duty. Even better, moss is nearly universal throughout the word.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thuidiaceae

Thimbleberry (Rubus parviflorus)

Thimbleberry is found abundantly in the wooded areas of the United States and other countries. They can grow in large colonies that provide copious amounts of leaves. When fully mature, the leaves are large and surprisingly soft. You can identify these plants by their fruit which resembles raspberries.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rubus_parviflorus

Yellow Dock (Rumex crispus)

Yellow Dock, Curley Dock, and the other members of this family are a blessing to any forager. Like many on this list, they are edible, medicinal, and aid in the bathroom. While the young tender leaves are best for a salad, wait until they mature and toughen up to use them in the bathroom.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rumex_crispus

Cautions

Before you go running off into the woods, eager to try out your newfound knowledge of finding your own TP plant substitutes, you need to be armed with a few precautions.

First, as with all plant and wild foraging practices, always be 100% positive of your identification before using any wild foraged plant. Its best to seek expert guidance on learning plant identification. If this is not possible, then I highly recommend purchasing several field guides. Peterson has a complete library of plant identification, guides. Ive listed the medicinal guide here. However, there are edible plant guides, as well as other generic guides. Pick one that best covers this topic and others that you may look at.

Flacon Press is another provider of nature-based books. Again, find one that covers your interest areas.

Honestly, you cant have enough plant identification books. Each one caters to a different audience, and its style, while the content may be excellent, may not mix with you. Likewise, each will have its own pictures and drawings. You may pick up a critical identification feature in one that you missed in another.

While you wont be eating any of these plants (at least in this application), adverse reactions to TP plant substitutes are still possible. Rashes, blisters, and a host of nasties can happen if you use the wrong plant. Down There is one of those places that you dont need an itch, let alone blisters, be it from the wrong plant or from an allergic reaction.

Other Options

In the western world, we attache ourselves to the paperwork approach to cleanup. However, much of the world relies on water to do the job. In the wilderness, if you have access to a clean source of water, then you can cup and splash to get the job done. Just make sure you have a cloth to dry off afterwards. It takes a little practice, but once you get the hang of it, its very effective. During winter, a fist full of snow is even more effective.

Wrapping Up TP Plant Substitutes

Bears do it and someday you might too. Out. In the wood. You have that urge. Theres no need to fret if you find yourself unprepared. With a little knowledge, a field guide or two, and a positive plant identification, you are all set to answer natures call.

From scrap leaves in your garden to common weeds, nature abounds with options to feed us, heal us, and to clean up the less savory aspects of our daily lives. Look up these plants and find a few that grow in your area. Then take 2 or 3 and really study up. Get to know where they grow around you and what they look like through the seasons. Then take the ultimate step and enjoy the freedom of going outdoors!

Bonus: Root Cellar That Can Be Used as a Bunker

Do you remember the old root cellars our great-grandparents used to have? In fact, they probably built it themselves, right in their back yard.

If you want to learn how to build a backyard bunker like your grandparents had, without breaking the bank, then you need Easy Cellar.

Easy Cellar will show you:How to choose the ideal siteCost-effective building methodsHow to protect your bunker from nuclear blast and falloutHow to conceal your bunkerAffordable basic life support options

Easy Cellar will also reveal how a veteran, with only $421, built a small nuclear bunker in his backyard.Also included:America's Natural Nuclear Bunkers: Find the Closest One to Your Home56 Items to Stockpile in Your Easy Cellar
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Best of Week 12: Georgia returns to form, Oregon escapes and Travis Hunter takes control of the Heisman race

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November 17, 2024

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Best of Week 12: Georgia returns to form, Oregon escapes and Travis Hunter takes control of the Heisman race

  • David Hale, ESPN Staff WriterNov 17, 2024, 01:49 AM ET

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    • College football reporter.
    • Joined ESPN in 2012.
    • Graduate of the University of Delaware.

Georgia entered Week 12 in an unusual place. Coming off an emphatic loss to Ole Miss, the Bulldogs were scuffling, looking for answers, and if the season had ended on Tuesday with the College Football Playoff committee’s most recent rankings, they’d have been on the outside looking in.

We had become accustomed to Georgia’s dominance at all turns. The close games were more a product of boredom than any actual defect, and the losses, rare as they were, were offered as little more than tribute to Nick Saban, the man who had sent Kirby Smart to lead Georgia to the promised land.

But in 2024, even amid the wins, things have just felt … off.

There has been the familiar parade of players landing in legal hot water away from the field. There has been the rising frustration with offensive coordinator Mike Bobo. There’s the gut-wrenching losses to bitter rivals that seem destined to doom the Bulldogs to second-class status. If this were pro wrestling, the first notes of “Jesus, Take the Wheel” would begin playing and Mark Richt would emerge from the tunnel, revealing he had been in charge all along.

On Saturday, however, we got our reminder that this isn’t the Georgia of old, even if it’s not quite the Georgia of 2021 and 2022 either. In a game that felt almost algorithmically engineered to prove the Dawgs had addressed each of their most blatant faults, Carson Beck and crew devoured Tennessee 31-17 and reasserted dominion over college football — if not officially in the standings, then certainly in the hearts and minds of every team that might have the misfortune of drawing the Dawgs in the playoff.

Beck, who had thrown 12 interceptions in his past six games, was nearly flawless Saturday. He threw for 346 yards and totaled three touchdowns, but more importantly, he looked supremely confident with each fastball he delivered downfield.

The offensive line, which handed out party favors to Ole Miss pass rushers en route to he backfield last week, held its own against one of the most ferocious defensive fronts in the country. Beck wasn’t sacked, and Tennessee managed just two tackles for loss in the game.

The ground game, scrambling for answers and without injured starter Trevor Etienne, turned to Nate Frazier and, in so many critical moments, Beck to provide the spark. They delivered a pair of rushing touchdowns as proof of life for a backfield that had so often looked dormant.

So it is, too, that Georgia has life in the crowded SEC.

Certainly SEC fans are too modest to say it, but the fact its, the league is pretty good this year. We entered Week 12 with a logjam of teams with a loss or two or three, but a résumé warranting real playoff consideration. The depth of talent threatened to overwhelm the conference, however, with the committee inserting four Big Ten teams in the top five and leaving Saban to lament to Pat McAfee that the committee can’t “just look at the record,” echoing Greg Sankey’s long-held belief that wins are an overrated metric compared to things such as revenue, attendance or prevalence of cowbells.

But Saturday proved to be something of a palette cleanser for the SEC — like the white bread that comes with Dreamland ribs. While a handful of teams took a mental health day — Alabama, Auburn, Texas A&M and Kentucky all played lower-tier competition and won by a combined 154 points — the rest of the slate helped clarify something akin to a pecking order.

In Gainesville, the Billy Napier redemption tour continued, with DJ Lagway and Elijhah Badger leading the Florida charge on a 27-16 win over LSU. After the game, Napier celebrated the Gators’ fifth win of the season by calling human resources at Zaxby’s and letting them know he won’t be able to start on Dec. 1 as previously promised, now needing just a win over either Ole Miss or (more likely) Florida State to secure a bowl.

LSU, meanwhile, is effectively cooked in the chase for the playoff after the loss, and it’s possible Brian Kelly’s anger management classes are no longer covered by his insurance.

After the game, Kelly lambasted the team asking of his players, “Do you want to fight or not?” It was not immediately clear if he meant in LSU’s remaining games or in the parking lot out back as soon as his press conference was over. Either way, things are bleak in Baton Rouge. It’s sad to see a situation where everyone felt like faaaamily devolve into something completely inauthentic.

If LSU is tumbling in the SEC standings, however, Saturday was South Carolina‘s time to shine against Missouri.

LaNorris Sellers threw for 353 yards and five touchdowns and continued to treat pass rushers like softballs bouncing off a fungo.

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Highlight: South Carolina wins fourth-quarter thriller behind Sellers’ heroics

No. 23 Missouri comes roaring back in the final frame only to be stomped out by LaNorris Sellers as the No. 21 Gamecocks escape with a 34-30 victory.

What started as a defensive tussle ended with four touchdowns — two by each offense — in the game’s final 9:12. The Gamecocks took a 27-22 lead with 5:04 to play on Sellers’ fourth TD pass of the game, only to see Brady Cook and Luther Burden III hook up on a gorgeous 37-yard bomb to regain the lead with just over a minute to go.

But South Carolina had an answer, marching 70 yards on six plays in just 47 seconds, culminating with a 15-yard touchdown run by Raheim “Rocket” Sanders to secure the win. That Shane Beamer didn’t celebrate by head-butting a player still wearing his helmet really shows how far he has come as a coach this season.

So here’s where things stand amid the rubble of another Saturday in the SEC: Texas and Texas A&M are atop the standings at 5-1, but they’ll play each other in Week 14. Georgia, Tennessee, Ole Miss and Alabama all have two losses, but each have secured a win versus at least one of the other tied teams, leaving their fate to the SEC’s arcane tie-breaker policies which involve opponent records, scoring differentials and a pie-eating contest between Lane Kiffin and Josh Heupel. And, of course, there’s still South Carolina, looming on the fringes of the playoff debate at 7-3.

The case for the SEC’s supremacy is clear. With seven teams playing such high-level football, all losses come with an asterisk and all wins feel epic. In that case, Georgia’s two losses and occasionally confounding struggles will pale in comparison to the immense talent on the roster, and this win over Tennessee will be Exhibit A for why the road to the national championship still runs through Athens.

But the path toward the SEC’s demise is also clear: Either the committee fails to reward depth or, more likely, in a fit of rage, Kelly uses a flamethrower he bought on the dark web to burn the entire conference to the ground.

Jump to:
Ducks hold off Badgers | Hunter’s Heisman case
Big 12 drama | Klubnik delivers late
USC finds a spark | Irish roll
Tulane capsizes Navy | Lobos rally | Week 12 trends
Heisman five | Under the radar

Ducks D plays big

The College Football Playoff committee is going to have to take a hard look at Wisconsin this week. With a three-point loss to No. 1 Oregon, the Badgers now have a top-five résumé.

More importantly, the committee won’t have to select a new No. 1, as Oregon’s defense came up big in a grueling 16-13 win.

Dillon Gabriel finished with 218 passing yards and an interception, just the second time in 60 career starts that he threw a pick without also throwing a touchdown. Instead, the Ducks relied on tailback Jordan James to lead a second-half comeback after falling behind 13-6. James finished with 25 carries for 121 yards and a game-tying TD with 13:14 to go in the fourth quarter.

It was Matayo Uiagalelei who sealed the win, however. Wisconsin got the ball at its own 17 with 1:26 to play, but Jamaree Caldwell tipped a Braedyn Locke pass, and Uiagalelei caught the carom for the game-sealing INT. (Note to Florida State fans: It is possible for the words “Uiagalelei” and “interception” to appear in a sentence not involving a brutal loss.)

The win keeps Oregon undefeated and headed toward a Big Ten title game berth, but it’s not without some red flags. Wisconsin held the Ducks to just 354 total yards — a week after Oregon mustered just 363 against Maryland. That’s the first time Oregon has had back-to-back games with fewer than 400 yards of offense since 2020.

On the other hand, winning games while accumulating a frustratingly limited number of yards and relying on a power run game and a stout defense suggests Oregon has acclimated nicely into the Big Ten’s way of life.

Hunter states Heisman case

Colorado is still coming, according to Deion Sanders, but according to the Big 12 standings, the Buffaloes are already there.

Coach Prime lamented a less-than-exceptional performance by his Buffs in a 49-24 win over Utah, and yet there’s little other than platitudes in the aftermath. Colorado is tied for No. 1 in the Big 12, and if it wins out against Kansas and Oklahoma State, a date in the conference title game is assured.

Shedeur Sanders struggled early against the Utes’ defense, but he ultimately finished with 340 yards passing and three touchdowns in Colorado’s usual demoralizing fashion.

Meanwhile, after a season-ending injury to Brandon Rose, Utah turned to Isaac Wilson, who is actually just an AI-generated representation of what a Utah QB might be after feeding Rose, Nate Johnson, Bryson Barnes, Charlie Brewer and Jake Bentley into the algorithm. The important takeaway here, however, is he’s not Cam Rising, so of course, Utah struggled. Wilson lost a fumble and threw three interceptions in the game, including one to Travis Hunter, who struck a Heisman pose afterward.

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1:12

Travis Hunter stakes Heisman claim after great plays on both sides of ball

Colorado’s Travis Hunter makes a nice interception off a deflection in the first quarter, followed by an incredible first-down catch in the second quarter vs. Utah.

Hunter caught five passes for 55 yards, and after Coach Prime checked the rule book and learned his team was also allowed to run the ball, Hunter got a carry that also went for a 5-yard touchdown. On the downside, Hunter did allow his first TD of the season in coverage, a 40-yard dart to Dorian Singer in the third quarter.

With the win, Colorado moves to 8-2 — just the second eight-win season for the program in the past 20 years, making it likely other teams will attempt to copy Sanders’ program-building blueprint of bringing in a whole bunch of transfers, at least one of whom is the best player in the country.

BYU falls, Sun Devils rise

BYU’s perfect season came to an end with a tackle at the 6-yard line on fourth down against Kansas, and thanks to Utah AD Mark Harlan, no one at Big 12 headquarters buzzed down to the officials to have them throw a random flag for excessive playing of “Carry On My Wayward Son.”

Kansas walked off with a 17-13 win after recovering a muffed punt deep in BYU territory that the Jayhawks turned into the game-winning touchdown. BYU still had a chance to win, driving into the red zone but coming up empty on four tries inside the Kansas 15.

Devin Neal became the first player in Kansas history with 4,000 career rushing yards, racking up 52 yards and two TDs in the win Saturday.

Meanwhile, Arizona State remains alive to be the Big 12’s Cinderella team, shocking Kansas State 24-14 behind a three-touchdown performance from QB Sam Leavitt.

Sun Devils’ head coach Kenny Dillingham’s reputation as a QB whisperer is going strong with Leavitt. After Dillingham helped shape Jordan Travis and resurrect Bo Nix, Leavitt has blossomed after transferring from Michigan State and has Arizona State riding high at 7-2.

The Sun Devils take on BYU next week, with the winner gaining the inside track on a trip to the Big 12 title game. BYU would clinch with a win and a loss by either Colorado or Iowa State, who toppled Cincinnati 34-17 behind a pair of Rocco Becht touchdowns.

The Cyclones (5-2) remain alive, too, along with Colorado (6-1) as the Big 12 works to adopt a full ACC coastal approach to this season.

Klubnik delivers late win

Pitt hosted Clemson on Saturday in a game that figured to settle any debate over who was the third-best team in the ACC, which is like RC Cola and Shasta getting into a slap fight over cola rankings.

The results often looked like two teams who didn’t exactly warrant their space on the playoff periphery, too.

Indeed, Pitt followed up that defensive series with one of the most mind-numbing offensive stretches possible. The officials missed a clear false start on second-and-goal, but Pitt was stuffed. Pitt called a timeout to avoid a delay of game, then was flagged for an illegal formation, then was flagged for a delay of game, then topped the whole thing off with a penalty for a false start before ultimately kicking a field goal.

Could those four points Pitt left on the field have helped?

The Panthers actually erased a 17-7 deficit in the fourth quarter to take a 20-17 lead, but on a second-and-3, Clemson QB Cade Klubnik took a QB sneak up the middle and scrambled virtually untouched for 50 yards and a score. Pitt’s last-gasp drive stalled at the Tigers’ 26, and Clemson held on for a 24-20 win that was marked by abysmal O-line play, missed opportunities and some astonishingly questionable officiating.

Afterward, Pitt coach Pat Narduzzi summed up the game by utilizing all seven of George Carlin’s words you can’t say on TV and also making up several new ones.

USC finds a spark

After climbing to No. 11 in the AP poll in September, USC entered Week 12 losers of five of its past seven, with all five losses coming by a touchdown or less.

After opening the season 5-1, Nebraska entered Week 12 losers of three straight, two by a touchdown or less.

USC made a QB change, giving UNLV transfer Jayden Maiava the start. Nebraska made a change at offensive playcaller, with Dana Holgorsen emerging from his basement to see daylight for the first time in 11 months and recoiling in horror.

Both teams were in desperate straits, and they met at the Coliseum on Saturday to chase something approaching credibility like two pigeons fighting for half a discarded baloney sandwich.

The game didn’t disappoint.

USC led 14-7, Nebraska charged back to take a 17-14 lead, USC scored to jump ahead by a point, then found the end zone again on a 2-yard Maiava TD run with 2:45 to play.

The game was in Holgorsen’s hands from there.

After being fired despite what he had called “an impossible buyout” at Houston last year, Holgorsen had largely disappeared from the public eye, focusing instead on the finer things in life. But Saturday was like the montage scene in any ’80s movie where the down-and-out character resolves to get his life together, showers, shaves and puts on a new suit, emerging like a conquering hero. Only Holgorsen didn’t shower or shave and may have been wearing a Nebraska hoodie that Mike Riley left in a desk drawer 10 years ago after splilling some spaghetti on it.

But there was still a little Holgo magic left, and Dylan Raiola and the Huskers marched to the USC 14 with 5 seconds to play and a chance to tie the game.

But we know how this story ends. It always ends this way for the Huskers.

USC prevailed 28-20. Nebraska has now lost 38 one-possession games since the start of the 2017 season — 10 more than any other Power 4 school. After getting to win No. 5 in each of the past two seasons, it has subsequently lost a combined eight straight, seven of them by one-possession.

Dante’s ninth circle of hell is called “treachery.” Then there are like 14 more he didn’t write about, one of which involves being really into downloading bootleg Nickelback live shows, and then you finally reach something approaching where Nebraska fans are at right now.

Leonard, Irish roll

In 2014, Notre Dame and the ACC entered into a scheduling agreement in which the Irish promised five matchups per year against the conference in exchange for a home for their non-football programs. Since then, Notre Dame has effectively been Biff from “Back to the Future” to the ACC’s McFly family. They roll into the house unannounced, raid the fridge and eat Wake Forest’s leftover chicken and then take Georgia Tech’s car without asking.

And so it was that the Irish throttled Virginia 35-14 on Saturday behind Riley Leonard‘s three touchdown throws. Jeremiyah Love ran for 137 and the defense picked off Anthony Colandrea three times. Notre Dame finishes 5-0 against the ACC, the sixth time in 11 years the Irish have gone undefeated against the conference in the regular season. Overall, Notre Dame is 50-9 in the regular season against the ACC since 2014, including a 9-0 record as a full member in 2020, and somewhere Jack Swarbrick is inviting his buddies to crash at John Swofford’s beach house for the entire summer again.

The rigging was set, the masts were raised, ye old Navy set sail for a win. But before it had reached shore, the Green Wave climbed all aboard, and plundered its gold and its gin.

Yo ho, yo ho, to the league championship game they go.

If Tulane ain’t the best on all seven seas, certainly it’s tops on at least five. And before it was done, it had won 35 to none, keeping their playoff hopes still alive.

Yo ho, yo ho, to the league championship game they go.

He threw for two scores and ran for one more, Darian Mensah did everything right. The corners and pass blockers, put Navy in Davy Jones locker, now the Wave turn attention to the Army Black Knights.

Yo ho, yo ho, to the league championship game they go.

The steely men of fair Tulane, a right fine crew be they. They fight and they tussle, they’re all brawn and muscle, and they’ll earn their way back to the SEC one day.

Yo ho, yo ho, to the league championship game they go.

Lobos rally for win

A month into the season, Bronco Mendenhall’s New Mexico team was 0-4 and appeared destined for a lost season amid a massive rebuild that included turning over more than half the scholarship roster this past offseason.

After Week 12, the Lobos are 5-6, and just secured their first win over a ranked foe in 21 years, toppling No. 18 Washington State 38-35.

New Mexico’s Devon Dampier and Wazzu’s John Mateer put on an absolute clinic at QB throughout the game.

Mateer accounted for 443 yards and five touchdowns, including a 37-yard bullet to Kyle Williams that gave Washington State a four-point lead with 3:12 to play. Dampier answered with 366 yards and three touchdowns of his own, including a 1-yard scamper with 21 seconds to play that secured the biggest win for New Mexico since toppling a ranked Utah team in 2003.

New Mexico now needs only a Week 14 win over Hawai’i to secure bowl eligibility.

Mateer, meanwhile, will remain college football’s most interesting man. This was his fourth game with four passing TDs and one rushing score of the season — the most by any QB since 2018, all while also doing battle with the Joker to keep the citizens of Gotham safe.

Week 12 vibe shifts

Each week, the Top 25 endures major shake-ups that transform the college football landscape. But there are more subtle changes every Saturday, too, and we capture those here.

Trending down: Noon kickoffs

Ohio State fans are frustrated with so many noon kickoffs this year, noting that only farmers and nerds wake up before 11 a.m. As it turned out Saturday, it was Northwestern who was still asleep at kickoff.

Northwestern somehow held the ball for 32 minutes but managed just 251 yards, spending most of its time on offense working out the details of this year’s team Secret Santa program. Thankfully, the game was played at Wrigley Field, and the Cubs’ bullpen coughed up 31 points in the middle quarters, with Carnell Tate starring. He hauled in four catches for 52 yards and two touchdowns.

Northwestern is the sixth opponent this season Ohio State has held to single digits. Only Oregon has topped 20 against the Buckeyes.

Trending up: Narrow Texas wins

Quinn Ewers tossed two touchdown passes — including a 1-yarder with 9:05 to play that effectively sealed a 20-10 win over Arkansas — but he averaged just 5.5 yards per pass, and the Horns had just 315 yards of total offense, their second-lowest production in a game, trailing only the loss to Georgia.

Texas has now played three bowl-eligible teams this season, and the results have been pretty meh. The Horns were stampeded by Georgia, escaped Vanderbilt by 3 and now struggled offensively against Arkansas in a 10-point win.

The answer here is clear: more Arch Manning. Play him at receiver. Have him provide pre-drive inspiration by reenacting famous motivational scenes from movies such as “Braveheart” or “Weekend at Bernie’s,” have him challenge Bevo to a foot race at halftime. Whatever it takes to get more Arch on the field, Texas needs to make it happen.

Trending up: ACC irony

SMU held off Boston College 38-28 to move to 6-0 in ACC play, all but assuring the Mustangs of a trip to the ACC championship game in their first season in the league. Kevin Jennings threw for 298 yards and three touchdowns, and Brashard Smith ran for 120 yards and a score.

It’s worth noting as SMU moves toward a conference title game appearance, that the only reason it’s in the ACC is because NC State changed its vote to approve expansion last year. NC State, in its 72nd season in the ACC, has never played in the ACC championship game, though it has heard it’s not that great anyway. Plus, it had plans, like catching up on the new season of “Only Murders in the Building.” And maybe a Home Depot trip. And it’s just nice to have a staycation after a busy football season. Really, don’t worry about NC State. It’s doing just fine, and it definitely didn’t just DoorDash six pints of Jeni’s ice cream.

Trending up: The smell at the Brown residence

LeQuint Allen ran for 109 yards and two touchdowns, Kyle McCord threw for 323 yards and a score, and both will be getting a nice gift basket from Fran Brown’s wife this week after they lifted Syracuse to a 33-25 win over Cal.

Brown will presumably wait to shower until the team returns to Syracuse, so everyone on the plane can still enjoy the smell of victory.

On the flip side, Cal lost its fifth one-possession game of the season — one that would’ve had the Bears bowl eligible — and Cal coach Justin Wilcox decided he’s boycotting cutting his toe nails, he’ll be blasting Smash Mouth’s “I’m a Believer” cover on repeat at practice and he won’t be throwing away that old tuna sandwich that has been in the office refrigerator until the Bears get win No. 6. Honestly, he had forgotten about the sandwich weeks ago, so this was really just a convenient excuse.

Trending down: Hot seats

Florida already announced Billy Napier would be back next year, and after Saturday’s 49-35 win over West Virginia, Baylor decided Dave Aranda will also be back for 2024.

If Sam Pittman survives at Arkansas, too, it’ll be a remarkable turn for coaches who entered the season on the hottest of seats, and will allow boosters to use all that money typically reserved for buyouts on something more useful, such as building a water slide on the moon.

Aranda now has Baylor set for a bowl game, too, after winning four straight. Baylor’s offense, in particular, has been a revelation, topping 38 in each of the past four.

Meanwhile at Auburn, boosters have scheduled a meeting at their secret hideout behind the Jimmy John’s, and are just going type in Bobby Petrino’s cell number but won’t press send until at least halftime of the Iron Bowl.

Trending up: Big man TDs

Southern demolished Arkansas-Pine Bluff 31-9 on Saturday, and senior defensive tackle Willie Miles delivered a play for the ages in the process.

Miles, who according to Southern’s media guide checks in at 5-foot-9 and a gentlemanly 350 pounds, picked up a loose ball after a DJ Stevenson fumble, and set his sights on the end zone. A Golden Lions lineman appeared to have him corralled at the 5, but Miles had ice water in his veins. He pulled loose from the tackle attempt, spun, gathered his balance, and sprinted for the end zone — running through the back and around to the sideline where his teammate wisely opted against lifting him into the air “Dirty Dancing” style.

This was a fitting highlight in what was Miles’ final home game at Southern.

Trending up: Air mail

At the Utah High School state championships Saturday, a fight for the football happened after a football was dropped from a helicopter hovering over the field.

Though in the long run it did not actually replace the coin toss, it should be implemented as such immediately at all levels of football. However, some schools may not have easy access to a helicopter, so we would also accept wrestling a bear for possession of the football, a wing-eating contest, a breakdancing competition, a series of “Yo Mama” jokes or, if absolutely necessary and only for Ivy League games, a race to see which team can solve the equation from “Good Will Hunting” first.

Trending up: Classy coaches

A week ago, Kennesaw State fired its only coach in program history, Brian Bohannon. First, the school said he resigned. He denied it, and the school relented.

If he’s angry at his former employer though, he’s sure not taking it out on his players.

Kennesaw State played one of its better games in Bohannon’s absence on the sideline, falling to Sam Houston 23-17 in overtime. But what’ll be remembered by most Owls fans is their former coach making a classy gesture in the aftermath of a brutal week. Either that or his moving van has been stuck in traffic on I-75 since Monday.

Heisman five

It’s really a three-man race for the Heisman now, unless you want to count offensive Travis Hunter and defensive Travis Hunter as separate players, in which case he’s going to need to buy another suit for the ceremony.

1. Colorado WR/CB Travis Hunter

Hunter Week 12 touchdown count: 1 scored, 1 allowed.

He should be ashamed of himself, giving up a touchdown like that. It’s the type of performance that would get one of Deion Sanders’ kids docked three spots on his child ranking list.

2. Boise State RB Ashton Jeanty

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Ashton Jeanty seals Boise State’s win with 3rd TD of the night

Ashton Jeanty is the first player to record 26 rushing touchdowns in his first 10 games of a season since Ricky Williams in 1998.

Boise State fell behind San José State 14-0 before somebody remembered to wake Jeanty up and tell him to go smash things. He finished the Broncos’ 42-21 win with 32 carries for 159 yards and three touchdowns, putting Jeanty now just 107 rushing yards shy of 2,000 on the season. Jeanty has also eclipsed 30 carries in five straight games, just the third player of the playoff era to do so.

3. Miami QB Cam Ward

The Hurricanes were off Saturday, giving Ward more time to stew over the loss to Georgia Tech. He has called Brent Key’s house 23 times already this week to ask if his refrigerator is running.

4. Oregon QB Dillon Gabriel

Any chance of Gabriel making a real run at the Heisman probably evaporated Saturday in Madison, as he failed to throw a touchdown pass and the Ducks’ offense struggled. Only a home game against Washington and the Big Ten title game remain before voting commences. The good news is, after 23 seasons of college football, Gabriel will still be a favorite to take home a lifetime achievement award.

5. Penn State TE Tyler Warren

In Saturday’s 49-10 win over Purdue, Warren had eight catches for 127 yards and a touchdown and three carries for 63 yards and a score. All season, he has been Penn State’s do-it-all guy, so long as “all” doesn’t also include beating Ohio State. He’s the first Big Ten non-QB to account for at least 10 touchdowns in a season — at least one each passing, rushing and receiving — since 2017, when another Nittany Lion, Saquon Barkley, did it.

Under-the-radar play of the week

Liberty‘s kicker was pretty, pretty … pretty good in overtime of Saturday’s 35-34 win over UMass.

Normally, UMass is an easy win, but this one seemed destined to go down like a dry scone. UMass jumped out to a 20-7 halftime lead, with the majority of Liberty’s offense coming from pity points. Losing to UMass, of course, is one of the most humiliating things a man can experience along with trying on pants.

But the Flames pulled the old chat-and-cut in the second half, tying the game at 28 with 3:49 to play and forcing overtime. UMass scored first in OT, but kicker Jacob Lurie, who we assume doesn’t respect wood, missed his PAT try. Liberty then matched the touchdown and sent Colin Karhu in to win the game with the extra point — and to stare down the legend, Larry David.

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Liberty hits winning extra point despite Larry David scoreboard distraction

Quinton Cooley rushes in for a 5-yard Liberty touchdown and hit the winning extra point despite a Larry David distraction on the videoboard.

From there, the scoreboard flickered to the actual final score — 35-34 Liberty — which feels offensive. They could’ve at least lied to UMass. A lie is a gesture, it’s a courtesy, it’s a little respect. This was very disrespectful.

Under-the-radar game of the week

Louisville technically joined the ACC in 2014, but it wasn’t until Saturday that the Cardinals truly hit the type of rock bottom misery the ACC foists upon all who approach it.

Louisville, which figured to win easily since it has many Cardinals, whereas Stanford is just one Cardinal, cruised early and led by two touchdowns in the fourth quarter. But Stanford scored on a 25-yard touchdown pass with 45 seconds left to tie the game at 35, forced a Louisville turnover on downs after the Cards ran seven plays in just 35 seconds and Stanford got the ball back with 10 seconds to play at its own 45. That should’ve meant overtime, but Louisville committed an unsportsmanlike penalty, setting up Stanford for a 57-yard field goal try. Quincy Riley then was flagged for being offsides, shaving another 5 yards off the kick, and Emmet Kenney delivered from 52 yards out for the win.

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Emmet Kenney’s 52-yard FG gives Stanford the upset over Louisville

Emmet Kenney’s kick is true as his 52-yard field goal seals an upset victory for Stanford over Louisville.

With one minute to play in the game, ESPN gave Louisville a 90% win probability. With 15 seconds left it was still a coin flip. And with no time left on the clock, it was a full-on #goacc for the ages.

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Science

Cosmic Survey Reveals Surge of Black Holes in Dwarf Galaxies

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November 17, 2024

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Cosmic Survey Reveals Surge of Black Holes in Dwarf Galaxies

A recent cosmic census has revealed an unexpected threefold rise in active black holes within dwarf galaxies, creating the most extensive database of intermediate-mass black holes recorded to date. This survey, conducted with the Dark Energy Spectroscopic Instrument (DESI) at the Mayall Telescope in Arizona, identified over 2,500 black holes in dwarf galaxies—more than triple the previously estimated number. Led by University of Utah astronomer Ragadeepika Pucha, the research team discovered that around 2 per cent of the nearly 115,000 surveyed dwarf galaxies contain black holes actively consuming matter. Previously, only 0.5 per cent of these galaxies were believed to host such black holes.

Unveiling Middleweight Black Holes in the Cosmos

The survey has also increased the number of intermediate-mass black hole candidates—those with masses between 100 and one million times that of the sun. With almost 300 new middleweight candidates identified, the known population has quadrupled from just 70. These findings are important for understanding black hole evolution, as middleweight black holes are seen as a bridge between stellar-mass black holes, formed from collapsing stars, and supermassive black holes, which are often found at the centres of larger galaxies. According to Pucha, this newly documented group of black holes offers clues into how early black holes may have evolved through gradual cosmic mergers.

Insights into Galaxy and Black Hole Co-Evolution

The unprecedented increase in detected black holes brings fresh opportunities to study the connection between galaxies and the black holes within them. As Dr Stéphanie Juneau from NOIRLab, a co-author of the study, remarks, the discovery raises fundamental questions about the evolution of galaxies and their black holes. It remains unclear whether galaxies formed first, subsequently creating black holes, or if black holes seeded galaxy growth.

Future of Cosmic Exploration with DESI

DESI’s findings open new chapters in understanding galactic evolution. Expected to release more detailed findings in 2025, the DESI project has already mapped 1.5 million galaxies, creating a vast 3D map that enables astronomers to probe dimmer galaxies that previously eluded detailed study. Astrophysicist Mallory Molina of Vanderbilt University, though not directly involved in the study, noted the transformative impact of the data, highlighting DESI’s ability to detect numerous black holes, even with basic observational tools, suggesting the potential for further discoveries.

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Politics

‘DOGE’ could increase economic freedom in US — Coinbase CEO 

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November 17, 2024

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‘DOGE’ could increase economic freedom in US — Coinbase CEO 

After Elon Musk announced the government agency with the same acronym as Dogecoin’s ticker, the crypto token soared to a yearly high of $0.39.

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