Cheryl Strayed: Tiny Beautiful Things writer on grief, wisdom and her kids reading her books
When Cheryl Strayed was still at college, her mother’s sudden death transformed her life.
She went from being a successful student to a heroin addict.
The grief she experienced, and the story of how she turned such loss around to become a best-selling author, has inspired fans around the world.
But the 54-year-old writer tells Sky News: “I have no interest in being anyone’s guru.”
Best known for her 2012 memoir Wild – an international bestseller adapted into the 2014 film both produced by and starring Reese Witherspoon – Strayed wasn’t always so willing to share her personal experiences with the world.
Laura Dern, Cheryl Strayed and Reese Witherspoon (L-R) at the premiere of Wild in 2014. Pic: AP
She describes her first deeply personal piece of writing, titled Heroin/e, as “a raw, personal essay about my grief, about my foray into drug use, and about the sorrow, the agony, essentially, I was in as a young woman – who didn’t have her mother”.
Published in a magazine called Double Take, she admits her first feeling on seeing her work in print wasn’t pride, but an urge to “go buy every copy of this magazine so nobody reads it”.
However, soon afterwards the magazine contacted her to say they’d received hundreds of letters – a bigger response than ever before – from readers saying they had truly connected with her work.
Strayed says: “That has really made me strong. I’m always afraid to publish personal things about myself. I’m always terrified.
“And yet every single time I’ve been terrified, they’re the times that people say, ‘Thank you for saying that, we needed that to be said. You saved me, you changed me, you helped me’…”
She goes on: “People need to hear the truth because they need to understand they’re not alone.”
Such a transparent approach to her life has won her a legion of fans, but Strayed admits she sometimes needs to take a step back.
“I feel like it is a gift that people feel that, kind of… open and warm towards me… But also, I’ve had to really learn.
“I’ve had to actually take some of the advice I would give to other people, learn how to maintain those boundaries.”
She adds: “I’ve already given you my best thing… The thing that I can give the world is through my writing… I have no interest in being anyone’s guru.
“And so I just try to greet people with gratitude and compassion and love, which I genuinely feel for the people who read my work and love it.”
‘Feeling less alone’
Now, following the success of Wild, another of her works has been adapted for the screen.
Disney+ original Tiny Beautiful Things is based on Strayed’s best-selling collection of essays Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Dear Sugar.
It was compiled from an advice column which she wrote anonymously on The Rumpus, an online literary magazine.
Kathryn Hahn plays a fictionalised version of Cheryl. Pic: Disney+
As much a personal memoir as an advice and self-help tool, Strayed says she began sharing her own personal experiences as part of her Dear Sugar advice in a nod to the many stories that had helped her during her own times of pain.
“When I was in the deep suffering in the years right after my mum died in my twenties, it was books I turned to, collections of poetry and collections of essays, and novels and plays, to see the humanity, to see the universal stories of love and loss and suffering and triumph.
“And all of those things made me feel less alone.”
Wisdom where you’d least expect it
Strayed says she has also learned to gain insights from the most unexpected of places.
“I think the most important thing ever is to stay awake and aware, and alive to wisdom in all of its forms,” she says.
“Sometimes it comes out of the mouth of your six-year-old child. Sometimes it comes from a stranger in the grocery store line.
“Sometimes it comes from a book, sometimes it comes from a therapist. Sometimes it comes from an advice columnist.
“[So it’s important] to stay awake to the fact that wisdom doesn’t come from a single source.”
Starring Kathryn Hahn, Sarah Pidgeon, Quentin Plair, and Tanzyn Crawford, Tiny Beautiful Things follows Clare – who is a fictionalised version of Strayed – as a struggling writer finding success as an advice columnist, while her own life is falling apart.
Sarah Pidgeon (L) in Tiny Beautiful Things. Pic: Disney+
No Hollywood version of grief
Touching on her mother’s death in the show, Strayed says one of the most important things for her was to portray the reality of grief – not a sanitised Hollywood version of it.
“It’s so important to me that we do not tell this false story about grief that gets told over and over again, which is like this idea that if you still experience grief years after somebody has died, that somehow, you’ve been held back and the way to heal is to let it go.
“To me, the way that grief functions is… of course, immediately after somebody has died – that is very often the fiercest, hardest grieving time.
“But you don’t leave that sorrow behind.”
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She says she has learned a valuable lesson about loss: “Grief is part of who I am. And it is both a very painful, hard thing that I wish didn’t happen to me and one of the greatest gifts of my life. And I will carry it always.
“I can carry it in a burdensome way that holds me back, that causes me pain, that forces me to be destructive, or do things that heavy weights can sometimes do.
“Or I can carry it like the basket of riches that it is…”
She goes on: “If you really want to honour that person you love so much, make something beautiful of that ugliness of that loss.”
And what do her children think?
A mother herself, she admits her children, son Carver, 18, and daughter Bobbi, 17, have yet to read any of her work.
So, does she ever worry about them learning so much about their mother’s life from her books?
On the contrary, Strayed says it’s the cherry on the cake: “It makes me feel happy that when they’re ready to know their mum on a deeper level, there’s a bunch of crazy stuff I wrote.”
Tiny Beautiful Things is streaming now on Disney+ in the UK, and on Hulu in the US.
Entertainment
Dance artist Moby on the destructive force of fame – and why he’s content being that ‘weird old guy’
He is the man behind the biggest-selling electronica record of all time, but the success of Moby’s album Play came with some unwanted side effects.
His fifth record, the album charted at 33 upon its release in the UK in May 1999, and fell out of the Top 40 after just a week. But despite the lacklustre initial response, Play started to pick up steam, slowly climbing the chart until it reached number one in April 2000.
It stayed there for five weeks and remained in the Top 40 until March 2001, re-entering the Top 100 several times over the next few years.
While Moby had experienced success with Go, the breakthrough 1991 single from his self-titled debut album, Play was next level. Even if you don’t know the album, you’ll know at least some of the songs – Porcelain, Why Does My Heart Feel So Bad?, Honey, and Natural Blues. The record was ubiquitous and fame hard to escape.
Pic: Adam Warzawa/EPA/Shutterstock
“I think fame and fortune are, probably, empirically two of the most destructive forces on the planet,” he says, speaking from his home in Los Angeles. “I mean, if fame and fortune fixed things, Kurt Cobain and Amy Winehouse would still be making records.
“I guess it’s a very easy system to buy into, especially in a place like… in New York, in Los Angeles, in these big cities that are driven by ostentation and consumption and the need for external validation. It’s hard to resist those temptations. But then… you look at the consequences of that.
“I’d rather try and live a rational life and not necessarily let other people’s concerns dictate what my concerns should be.”
Now sober and with a few years between him and those heady days of peak fame, in recent years Moby has been doing something few established stars in his position would do – giving his compositions away for free.
“I have a house, I have a car, I have some hoodies, I have food in the fridge, I don’t really need anything more,” he insists. “To live and work in a way where I’m not driven by money, why not use that as an opportunity?”
Selfless selfishness or selfish selflessness
Pic: Wael Hamzeh/EPA/Shutterstock
Over a decade ago, the musician came up with the quietly radical idea of making a free music licensing platform, MobyGratis. The idea was simple and rather exciting, he admits – to allow anyone unrestricted access to hundreds of his compositions to use them however they wish. From film scores to remixes, whatever.
“It’s either selfless selfishness or selfish selflessness, meaning I’m giving these things away but the benefit to me is I get to see what people do with it,” he says.
“There are a lot of things about the current digital media climate that are terrifying and baffling and confusing, but one of the things I love is the egalitarian nature of it.”
The idea of giving his music away for free runs somewhat contrary to the AI copyright battle many artists are currently speaking out over, with the likes of Ed Sheeran and Damon Albarn calling for greater protections in law to prevent artificial intelligence software from scraping their work to learn from it.
Remix culture and creative processes
“I completely appreciate and respect the concerns that other people have,” says Moby. “I think they’re incredibly valid… but for me personally, I don’t know. Maybe it’s naive and stupid of me, but I kind of just ignore it.
“I put this music out there and you sort of hope for the best, which probably is completely dim-witted of me. Part of remix culture is seeing how people reinterpret your work; sometimes it’s mediocre, sometimes it is bad, but sometimes it is so inspired, and I can actually learn a lot from other creative processes.”
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The dance artist also takes issue with how the act of giving and compassion more generally has come to be seen, and references Elon Musk‘s comments on Joe Rogan’s podcast in April, when the billionaire said: “We’ve got civilizational suicidal empathy going on.”
Moby says that while “we live in this world of fear, selfishness, desperation and viciousness”, he supports “anything that is a rejection of the manosphere… anything that rejects Elon and the idea that empathy is a weakness and reminds people that life can be simple and decent.”
He jokes: “I’m definitely becoming like the weird old guy that you’ll see in the mountains, sort of like not making eye contact and mumbling about chemtrails or something.”
This is a man who is aware his approach to fame, fortune and giving stuff away is somewhat out-of-keeping with the times we’re living in – but the thing is, Moby doesn’t seem to care.
Entertainment
Lawyer for Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs claims there was ‘mutual violence’ between him and ex-girlfriend
A lawyer representing Sean “Diddy” Combs has told a court there was “mutual” domestic violence between him and his ex-girlfriend Casandra ‘Cassie’ Ventura.
Marc Agnifilo made the claim as he outlined some of the music star’s defence case ahead of the full opening of his trial next week.
Combs has pleaded not guilty to one count of racketeering conspiracy, two counts of sex trafficking and two counts of
transportation for prostitution. If convicted, he faces up to life in prison.
Ms Ventura is expected to testify as a star witness for the prosecution during the trial in New York. The final stage of jury selection is due to be held on Monday morning.
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Why is Sean Combs on trial?
Mr Agnifilo told the court on Friday that the defence would “take the position that there was mutual violence” during the pair’s relationship and called on the judge to allow evidence related to this.
The lawyer said Combs‘s legal team intended to argue that “there was hitting on both sides, behaviour on both sides” that constituted violence.
He added: “It is relevant in terms of the coercive aspects, we are admitting domestic violence.”
A court sketch showing Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs (right) as he listens to his lawyer Marc Agnifilo addressing the court. Pic: Reuters
Ms Ventura’s lawyers declined to comment on the allegations.
US District Judge Arun Subramanian said he would rule on whether to allow the evidence on Monday.
Combs, 55, was present in the court on Friday.
He has been held in custody in Brooklyn since his arrest last September.
Prosecutors allege that Combs used his business empire for two decades to lure women with promises of romantic relationships or financial support, then violently coerced them to take part in days-long, drug-fuelled sexual performances known as “Freak Offs”.
Read more:
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Sean Combs: A timeline of allegations
Combs’s lawyers say prosecutors are improperly seeking to criminalise his “swinger lifestyle”. They have suggested they will attack the credibility of alleged victims in the case by claiming their allegations are financially motivated.
The trial is expected to last around eight weeks.
Entertainment
Harvey Weinstein accuser says film mogul ‘took her soul’ during alleged sexual assault
An ex-model has tearfully told a court that being sexually assaulted by Harvey Weinstein when she was 16 was the most “horrifying thing I ever experienced” to that point.
Warning: This article contains references to sexual assault
Kaja Sokola told the film producer’s retrial that he ordered her to remove her blouse, put his hand in her underwear, and made her touch his genitals.
She said he’d stared at her in the mirror with “black and scary” eyes and told her to stay quiet about the alleged assault in a Manhattan hotel in 2002.
Ms Sokola told the New York court that Weinstein had dropped names such as Penelope Cruz and Gwyneth Paltrow, and said he could help fulfil her Hollywood dream.
“I’d never been in a situation like this,” said Polish-born Ms Sokola. “I felt stupid and ashamed and like it’s my fault for putting myself in this position.”
Weinstein denies sexually assaulting anyone and is back in court for a retrial after his conviction was overturned last year.
Read more: Weinstein is back in court – but what has happened to the #MeToo movement since 2017?
Weinstein denies the allegations. Pic: Reuters
The 73-year-old is not charged over the alleged sexual assault because it happened too long ago to bring criminal charges.
However, he is facing charges over an incident four years later when he’s said to have forced Ms Sokola to perform oral sex on him.
Prosecutors claim it happened after Weinstein arranged for her to be an extra in a film.
“My soul was removed from me,” she told the court of the alleged 2006 assault, describing how she tried to push Weinstein away but that he held her down.
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Ms Sokola – who’s waived her right to anonymity – is the second of three women to testify and the only one who wasn’t part of the first trial in 2020.
Miriam Haley testified previously in the retrial. Pic: AP
Miriam Haley last week told the court that Weinstein forced oral sex on her in 2006. The other accuser, Jessica Mann, is yet to appear.
Claims against the film mogul were a major driver for the #MeToo movement against sexual harassment and abuse in 2017.
Weinstein’s lawyers allege the women consented to sexual activity in the hope of getting film and TV work and that they stayed in contact with him for a while afterwards.
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