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The following is the opening satirical monologue from The Andrew Klavan Show.

The Washington Post, where Democracy dies in darkness after they drive an ice pick into the back of its neck and toss it into the darkness and leave it there to die, has issued a devastating new poll showing President Bidens approval ratings have fallen to a level that would truly upset him if he were still capable of understanding what a poll is and what numbers are.

The poll shows Bidens approval ratings are now at a mere 36 percent. Whats more, twelve percent of those who approve of Biden are low information voters like journalists and college professors, while 8 percent of them are homeless people who receive their opinions from the demon Azuzu speaking through the fillings in their teeth. Five percent of the Biden supporters were just pranking the pollsters by pretending they knew who Joe Biden is, and the remaining four percent were former Whitney Houston backup singers who now hang out all day on Main and Third in Cincinnati chanting somebody, somebody, somebody who loves me, over and over again, hoping a passerby will put money in their hat so they can afford to get back to New Jersey and vote for Joe Biden.

Seventy-two percent of the people polled thought Biden was too old to be president. Twenty-three percent said no, he was just lying face down in his own drool to get his opponents to underestimate him. And five percent believed the president had passed away last Thursday which made him the politician least likely to ruin the country.

Sixty-three percent of those polled said they would prefer to vote for Donald Trump over Biden. Seventeen percent said they preferred Trump to Biden because Trump could almost speak in complete sentences. Twenty-two percent said Trump was better than Biden because Trump was a reckless bloviating boor who would drive the United States government into a ditch where it would be reduced to flaming rubble, so that was a plus. And sixteen percent said they would vote for Trump because he had assaulted that woman in Bergdorf Goodman after she had written for Saturday Night Live so that left only 247 unfunny writers left unpunished.

Twenty-nine percent of those polled who wanted neither Biden nor Trump said they would vote for Nikki Haley because at least she didnt believe in anything. Fourteen percent said they would vote for RFK Junior because that dude was crazy and if you dropped acid and then played his speeches backwards they would predict who was going to win the next season of Bachelorette. And eleven percent said they would vote for Vivek Ramaswamy because his name was funny and made him sound like a snake charmer and that would be really cool especially if he used a live cobra and then explained how he would reform the Fed while the cobra just wavered in front of him pretending to listen and then suddenly bit him on the face which would be hilarious especially if you were still stoned from listening to RFK.

In other poll results, 92 percent said the country was headed in the wrong direction unless you enjoyed watching that video where the race car careens into the wall and then bursts into flames, in which case the country was right on course. Breaking that result into various groups, fourteen percent of black people said they thought the country was headed in the right direction, but they couldnt be sure because they were pinned down in a crossfire behind a 1978 Dodge Dart. Eighty-two percent of Hispanics said the country was headed in the right direction compared to the country they had just come from. And 52 percent of white people said they were heading in the right direction, namely the direction of Switzerland.

Twenty-seven percent of those polled said the worst problem the country faced was runaway inflation because it meant they couldnt buy as many lottery tickets with their food stamps which gave them a lower chance of winning a loaf of bread. Eighteen percent said the worst problem facing the country was that Don Lemon had been fired and now there was no one left to scream at but their children. And three percent said the worstproblem facing the country was that when their phone rang they thought it was their ex saying she wanted to have breakup sex again but instead it turned out to be some jerkwad asking stupid questions about Joe Biden.

In terms of methodology, the Washington Post said pollsters had developed a system of weighted averages to establish the proper number of Democrats, Republicans and Independents, and then told their boss they had called those people when really they were just making stuff up because they worked for the Washington Post.

Andrew Klavanis the host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire.A popular political satirist and Hollywood screenwriter, Klavan is also an award-winning novelist.His newest novel isA Strange Habit of Mind, book two in the Cameron Winter Mystery series.

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

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Business

Former Bank of England governor Mark Carney named prime minister of Canada – succeeding Justin Trudeau

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Former Bank of England governor Mark Carney named prime minister of Canada - succeeding Justin Trudeau

Former Bank of England governor Mark Carney has been named Canadian prime minister after winning the Liberal Party leadership in a landslide victory.

Mr Carney, who also used to head up Canada’s central bank, had emerged as the frontrunner as his country was hit with tariffs imposed by President Trump.

He ended up winning 85.9% of the vote.

During his victory speech, he told the crowd: “Donald Trump, as we know, has put unjustified tariffs on what we build, on what we sell and how we make a living.

“He’s attacking Canadian families, workers and businesses and we cannot let him succeed and we won’t.”

Mr Carney said Canada would keep retaliatory tariffs until “the Americans show us respect”.

Mr Trump’s tariffs against Canada and his talk of making the country America’s 51st state have infuriated Canadians.

More on Canada

The American national anthem has been repeatedly booed at NHL and NBA games.

“Think about it. If they succeeded, they would destroy our way of life… America is a melting pot. Canada is a mosaic,” Mr Carney added.

“America is not Canada. Canada will never ever be part of America in any way, shape or form.”

An easy pick for his party – but now he must win over Canada


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Diana Magnay

International correspondent

@DiMagnaySky

Mark Carney had no problem convincing the Liberal Party he was the best man for the job. 85.9% of the vote speaks for itself. Now he must convince the country.

After unparalleled experience as central bank governor, both of Canada and of the UK, albeit at different times, he has the economic wherewithal to fortify the economy against the battering Donald Trump seems intent on dealing it.

He has made it very clear he is ready for the fight to come. “In trade, as in hockey, we will win!” he told his fellow liberals to wild applause. “We’re strongest when we are united,” he told the country on X.

His conservative rivals had what seemed like an unbeatable lead in the polls until just a few short weeks ago, but Trump’s trade tariffs have rallied Canadians behind the flag and their government.

That gives Mr Carney momentum ahead of a general election that will likely come sooner rather than later. Now he must exercise the political genius to capitalise on that.

The 59-year-old will replace Justin Trudeau, who has served as prime minister since 2015.

Mr Trudeau announced he was stepping down in January after facing calls to quit from a chorus of his own MPs.

The 53-year-old’s popularity had declined as food and house prices rose. He will stay in post until Mr Carney is sworn in.

Mr Carney will soon have to decide when to call a general election – a vote must take place on or before 20 October.

In 2013, he became the first non-UK citizen to run the Bank of England since it was founded in 1694.

His appointment came after Canada recovered from the 2008 financial crisis faster than many other countries.

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‘You can’t take our country or our game’

Read more:
Trudeau steps down with his popularity in shreds
Canadian PM criticises Trump over tariffs

During leadership debates, Mr Carney argued he was the only person prepared to handle Trump.

“I know how to manage crises,” he said.

“In a situation like this, you need experience in terms of crisis management, you need negotiating skills.”

The surge in Canadian nationalism has bolstered the Liberal Party’s chances in a parliamentary election.

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World

How Donald Trump has upended millions of lives in his first 50 days in office

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How Donald Trump has upended millions of lives in his first 50 days in office

In just 50 days, Donald Trump has upended our world. He has ripped up rules, attacked allies and sided with enemies.

A country we thought for decades had our backs is no longer a reliable partner.

We travelled thousands of miles to ask what that means for our lives and millions of others – from the sweltering backstreets of Africa to the frozen wastes of Greenland and Finland’s tense border with Russia.

Donald Trumps supporters at home and abroad see him as the disruptor-in-chief who will bring peace and prosperity, putting America first.

But to many others we found he threatens chaos and a far darker future.

While Mr Trump may be challenging convention and bringing fresh thinking, his critics say he is moving too fast and erratically. His first 50 days in office, they claim, have weakened America’s place in the world and that will be exploited by rivals.

Trump 50: Kenya

Risk of resurgent epidemics in Kenya

We went first to Kenya. The focus in the West may have been on Mr Trump and Russia but in the developing world, it’s the end of US aid that is grabbing the headlines.

On the frontlines of Africa’s war on HIV we heard Mr Trump’s actions being compared to an act of “biological warfare”.

Even among allies and admirers of the American president, there is deep unease and fear about what could come next, most of all the risk of resurgent epidemics of diseases like HIV, TB, malaria, ebola, and polio.

A street in one of Kenya's poorest neighbourhoods in Nairobi
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A street in one of Kenya’s poorest neighbourhoods in Nairobi

In one of Kenya’s poorest neighbourhoods in Nairobi, we joined health workers on their rounds, down sewage-filled alleyways into cramped, overcrowded buildings.

In a one-room home, we met a young mother who is dependent on American aid. Anne is HIV positive and needs daily medication and nutritional support for both herself and her one-year-old son. She is terrified for their future because of the cut in US aid.

Anne, who is HIV positive, with her young child
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Anne, who is HIV positive, with her young child

An alleyway of one-room homes in Nairobi
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An alleyway of one-room homes in Nairobi

“I’m so worried,” she told us, “because if it carries on like this the medication could run out. When the medicine is not there, the protector of my body is not there, so anything can just pass through me.”

‘We had no warning’

Kenya received $850m (£658m) in aid a year and that has now been abruptly severed. A US Supreme Court decision against the Trump administration may restore some of that but there is complete uncertainty about what happens next.

Martha, a healthcare manager in Nairobi, spelled out what is at stake: “We had no warning. We could not prepare the households. It was so sudden.

Martha, a healthcare manager in Nairobi
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Martha, a healthcare manager in Nairobi

“We expect more death. We expect more children to die before the age of five. We expect more death for children living with HIV and it is going to be bad,” Martha said, adding that more than 20,000 children who use her organisation’s services will be affected.

90% of all US aid contracts cut

The Trump administration says the aid has been only been suspended for 90 days pending a review. But in reality, many key programmes appear to have been shut down completely.

After a 45-minute flight west of Nairobi to Kisumu, we saw what is happening away from big cities. The impact seemed just as severe.

At one provincial hospital US Agency for International Development (USAID) signs were everywhere but on doors that are now shut. It had been a hub for patients to receive their treatment but that’s now in doubt.

A health worker delivering medication in Kisumu
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A health worker delivering medication in Kisumu

Kisumu, Kenya
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Kisumu, Kenya

Staff told us there were just two months of supplies left for some medication, and less than a month for others, because there have been no more deliveries.

Patients were stockpiling drugs, said doctors, panicking for the future.

‘Biological warfare’

The US-supplied ammunition for Africa’s war against HIV, malaria, TB and other diseases is running out. It has taken decades and billions to bring them under control. The fear is of a return to epidemics not seen for years.

A sign thanking the American people in the hospital in Kisumu
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A sign thanking the American people in the hospital in Kisumu

Deliveries of medication supplied by USAID in the Kisumu hospital
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Deliveries of medication supplied by USAID in the Kisumu hospital

Eric Okioma is HIV positive and runs a charity helping others with the disease in Kisumu.

“When you look at it from a public health aspect, that’s biological warfare that’s the way I’m seeing it because from a human rights perspective, he did the wrong thing – he should not have taken it abruptly.”

Eric Okioma, who runs a charity helping others HIV in Kisumu
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Eric Okioma, who runs a charity helping others HIV in Kisumu

Mr Trump is popular among many in Kenya. His conservative stance on issues like gender and sexuality resonates in this predominantly Christian country.

But even among admirers and supporters there is deep unease about his aid cut.

Peter Gunday, a father and churchgoer, told us he agreed Kenya should be less dependent on US aid and encouraged to provide for itself – but Mr Trump’s action had been too sudden.

“He wants to make America great again… [but give an] olive branch to us even if it is only for some time.”

Peter Gunday, a churchgoer in Kisumu
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Peter Gunday, a churchgoer in Kisumu

The aid cut threatens lives and America’s standing in the world. The US has used aid to wield soft power and influence.

Read more:
US aid crisis leaves South Africans living with HIV in turmoil
What is USAID?

America in retreat

Its superpower rival China prefers building. They have lent billions for massive infrastructure projects like the new railway from Nairobi to the coast through the heart of the city’s safari park.

For Beijing it’s all leverage, applied ruthlessly to increase access to Africa’s abundant natural resources.

One of the new Chinese-built roads in Kenya
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One of the new Chinese-built roads in Kenya

Under Trump, America is unilaterally deserting that battle for power and influence. Its values and interests will inevitably suffer. Not so much America first but America in retreat.

Trump 50: Finland

Finland prepares for Russian aggression

Closer to home, it is America’s shift on security causing the greatest concern. We flew thousands of miles north to one of NATO‘s newest member countries that sits on a border with Russia.

What did people in Finland make of what Mr Trump is doing to the Western alliance they have only just joined?

We filmed with Finland‘s military on the border with Russia that was closed because of the war in Ukraine.

On Finland's border with Russia
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On Finland’s border with Russia

In sparsely populated woods, locals report sightings of Russian drones, we were told. And there has been a surge in recruits to the border guard because of the international situation.

One of them, Aku Jaeske, told us he had joined up “for the defence of our own country”.

Aku Jaeske
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Aku Jaeske

He said: “I think most of us, I think, are here because of that. It’s really hard if we have a 1,300 and something kilometre border with Russia – it’s pretty long – we have to have good men there.”

‘Bring it on’, says one Finn

What did he make of Mr Trump and what he saw on the news?

“I think it’s crazy when you turn your TV on today, you can’t know what is really happening.”

The war with Ukraine and Russia’s belligerence has sparked a boom in shooting, with hundreds of new ranges opening up in Finland to meet demand.

In a range outside Helsinki, one shooting enthusiast Jerkri told us what he thought was behind its growing popularity.

Jerkri says shooting has become popular in Finland because 'people are noticing maybe [they are] to take care of themselves'
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Jerkri says shooting has become popular in Finland because ‘people are noticing maybe [they are] to take care of themselves’

Inside one of Finland's growing number of shooting ranges
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Inside one of Finland’s growing number of shooting ranges

“The situation in Ukraine and people are noticing that maybe [they are] having to take care of themselves… think about it.”

Amateur shooters go through their paces, crisscrossing an open range at speed firing at targets dotted around the room. Patrick said he was worried by the direction of events.

“But if it did come to it… bring it on,” he said.

Patrick says 'bring it on' in response to a question on having to use his shooting skills in the future
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Patrick says ‘bring it on’ in response to a question on having to use his shooting skills in the future

In a service station, Finland’s most popular tabloid had the headline, “Trump’s 10 gifts to Putin.”

Finns were once a byword for peace-loving neutrality. They are arming up now, and watching Mr Trump’s overtures to the Kremlin warily.

Finland after all is where Mr Trump stood next to Russian President Vladimir Putin during his first term in office and infamously said he would believe him over the word of US spy agencies.

US may be deserting the West

The Finns know from their history a belligerent Russia cannot be trusted.

In Europe, the US is not just withdrawing under Donald Trump, who says the US cannot prioritise the continent’s security any longer. It looks like it may be changing sides deserting the West entirely: Cutting off aid and intelligence to Ukraine while it is pummelled by Russian rockets and drones; branding Ukraine’s leader – and not the tyrant of Moscow – a dictator; attacking close allies with tariffs; resetting relations with Russia while it continues to invade a part of Europe.

Trump 50: Greenland

‘Trump is ridiculous’, Greenlanders say

And threatening to take over its neighbours. Our journey ended in Greenland, top of the list of Mr Trump’s planned acquisitions.

Most people we spoke to were genuinely worried by him.

Nuuk, the capital of Greenland
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Nuuk, the capital of Greenland

Nuuk, the capital of Greenland

Students Aviana and Julie told us Mr Trump’s antics were alarming.

“That’s very scary actually – it seems he’s more with Russia than Ukraine. I’m really scared.”

Students Aviana and Julie said they were scared by Trump's actions
Image:
Students Aviana and Julie said they were scared by Trump’s actions

Another passerby said Mr Trump had no right to make a play for their homeland. They said: “I think it’s ridiculous that he thinks he can just take our land. We don’t have the resources to fight against the USA.”

Jurgen Boassen has become a well-known figure for having opposing views – he is outspokenly pro-Trump.

Jurgen Boassen, who is pro-Trump and is paid by MAGA groups to promote 'cultural ties' between Greenland and the US
Image:
Jurgen Boassen, who is pro-Trump and is paid by MAGA groups to promote ‘cultural ties’ between Greenland and the US

“I think he is a great man who wants to have peace in the world,” he told us.

‘Europe is failing’

He admits he is paid by MAGA groups in America to promote “cultural ties” and believes Greenland will gradually come around to the idea of becoming closer to America.

Ice caps in Greenland
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Ice caps in Greenland

“I don’t care because they will realise I’m doing the good thing for Greenland. Europe is failing, Britain, Sweden, Belgium, Holland even Germany,” he said.

Wherever we travelled people seemed in shock. America used to believe helping others was good for America – keeping the peace in Europe, saving lives, or protecting the sovereignty of neighbours.

Read more:
Why does Trump want Greenland?
85% of Greenlanders oppose joining US, poll finds

The fear is under President Trump it is just out for itself. The idea Mr Trump could carve up the world into spheres of influence with other authoritarian leaders seems plausible. If that is the case, lesser nations like Greenland may have plenty to fear.

From what we were told on our journey, Donald Trump’s America First foreign policy risks the lives of millions, the security and sovereignty of allies, and America’s own place in the world while potentially strengthening its enemies.

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Politics

BBVA gets regulatory nod to offer Bitcoin and Ether trading in Spain

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BBVA gets regulatory nod to offer Bitcoin and Ether trading in Spain

Spain’s second-largest lender will allow its clients to buy, sell and manage cryptocurrencies on its mobile banking app.

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