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The following is the opening satirical monologue from The Andrew Klavan Show.

The Washington Post, where Democracy dies in darkness after they drive an ice pick into the back of its neck and toss it into the darkness and leave it there to die, has issued a devastating new poll showing President Bidens approval ratings have fallen to a level that would truly upset him if he were still capable of understanding what a poll is and what numbers are.

The poll shows Bidens approval ratings are now at a mere 36 percent. Whats more, twelve percent of those who approve of Biden are low information voters like journalists and college professors, while 8 percent of them are homeless people who receive their opinions from the demon Azuzu speaking through the fillings in their teeth. Five percent of the Biden supporters were just pranking the pollsters by pretending they knew who Joe Biden is, and the remaining four percent were former Whitney Houston backup singers who now hang out all day on Main and Third in Cincinnati chanting somebody, somebody, somebody who loves me, over and over again, hoping a passerby will put money in their hat so they can afford to get back to New Jersey and vote for Joe Biden.

Seventy-two percent of the people polled thought Biden was too old to be president. Twenty-three percent said no, he was just lying face down in his own drool to get his opponents to underestimate him. And five percent believed the president had passed away last Thursday which made him the politician least likely to ruin the country.

Sixty-three percent of those polled said they would prefer to vote for Donald Trump over Biden. Seventeen percent said they preferred Trump to Biden because Trump could almost speak in complete sentences. Twenty-two percent said Trump was better than Biden because Trump was a reckless bloviating boor who would drive the United States government into a ditch where it would be reduced to flaming rubble, so that was a plus. And sixteen percent said they would vote for Trump because he had assaulted that woman in Bergdorf Goodman after she had written for Saturday Night Live so that left only 247 unfunny writers left unpunished.

Twenty-nine percent of those polled who wanted neither Biden nor Trump said they would vote for Nikki Haley because at least she didnt believe in anything. Fourteen percent said they would vote for RFK Junior because that dude was crazy and if you dropped acid and then played his speeches backwards they would predict who was going to win the next season of Bachelorette. And eleven percent said they would vote for Vivek Ramaswamy because his name was funny and made him sound like a snake charmer and that would be really cool especially if he used a live cobra and then explained how he would reform the Fed while the cobra just wavered in front of him pretending to listen and then suddenly bit him on the face which would be hilarious especially if you were still stoned from listening to RFK.

In other poll results, 92 percent said the country was headed in the wrong direction unless you enjoyed watching that video where the race car careens into the wall and then bursts into flames, in which case the country was right on course. Breaking that result into various groups, fourteen percent of black people said they thought the country was headed in the right direction, but they couldnt be sure because they were pinned down in a crossfire behind a 1978 Dodge Dart. Eighty-two percent of Hispanics said the country was headed in the right direction compared to the country they had just come from. And 52 percent of white people said they were heading in the right direction, namely the direction of Switzerland.

Twenty-seven percent of those polled said the worst problem the country faced was runaway inflation because it meant they couldnt buy as many lottery tickets with their food stamps which gave them a lower chance of winning a loaf of bread. Eighteen percent said the worst problem facing the country was that Don Lemon had been fired and now there was no one left to scream at but their children. And three percent said the worstproblem facing the country was that when their phone rang they thought it was their ex saying she wanted to have breakup sex again but instead it turned out to be some jerkwad asking stupid questions about Joe Biden.

In terms of methodology, the Washington Post said pollsters had developed a system of weighted averages to establish the proper number of Democrats, Republicans and Independents, and then told their boss they had called those people when really they were just making stuff up because they worked for the Washington Post.

Andrew Klavanis the host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire.A popular political satirist and Hollywood screenwriter, Klavan is also an award-winning novelist.His newest novel isA Strange Habit of Mind, book two in the Cameron Winter Mystery series.

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

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‘Gritty’ McBain secures 5-year deal from Mammoth

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'Gritty' McBain secures 5-year deal from Mammoth

SALT LAKE CITY — The Utah Mammoth re-signed center Jack McBain to a five-year contract worth $21.25 million on Monday.

McBain will count $4.25 million against the salary cap through the 2029-30 NHL season, which was announced a little more than 24 hours since the team elected salary arbitration with the restricted free agent forward.

“He is a big, strong, physical player who competes hard on a nightly basis and brings a gritty toughness to our group,” general manager Bill Armstrong said. “Jack is an important part of the championship-caliber team we are building, and we look forward to having him back on our roster for the foreseeable future.”

McBain, 25, is coming off setting a career high with 27 points and playing all 82 games. He was one of six players to skate in every game of the organization’s first season in Salt Lake City.

“Jack’s versatility as a player, his care for his teammates and his demonstrated willingness to do whatever it takes to win, are all critical elements to our future team success,” president of hockey operations Chris Armstrong said.

McBain has 82 points in 241 games with the franchise, which moved to Utah from Arizona. Since debuting in April 2022, he ranks third in the league with 832 hits.

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Johnson, 2-time Cup winner with Lightning, retires

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Johnson, 2-time Cup winner with Lightning, retires

Tyler Johnson has announced his retirement after playing 13 NHL seasons and winning the Stanley Cup twice with the Tampa Bay Lightning.

Johnson called it a career in a lengthy message posted on social media Monday. Johnson had battled injuries in recent years and is set to turn 35 on July 29.

“As a short kid from a small town, I saw my chances of playing in the NHL as very slim,” Johnson wrote on Instagram. “But my family — my parents, Ken and Debbie, and my grandparents — believed in me when doubt clouded my mind. Their unwavering faith turned that dream into reality.”

Listed at 5-foot-8 and 191 pounds, Johnson won at just about ever level, capturing the Western Hockey League and Memorial Cup championships in 2008 with his hometown Spokane Chiefs and the Calder Cup championship with Norfolk of the American Hockey League in 2012.

The NHL brought more success, as he skated in 863 regular-season and playoff games since debuting in the league in 2013, putting up 498 points. Johnson was part of the Lightning’s core when they reached the final in 2015 and helped them hoist the Cup back to back in 2020 and ’21.

Johnson finished with Chicago, playing three seasons with the Blackhawks, and Boston, signing with the Bruins early last season following his training camp tryout.

“After a lifetime devoted to hockey, I’m ready for what’s next,” Johnson said. “This moment is bittersweet, but I leave the game with no regrets.”

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‘Workhorse’ York nets five-year deal from Flyers

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'Workhorse' York nets five-year deal from Flyers

Cam York and the Philadelphia Flyers agreed to terms Monday on a five-year contract worth $25.75 million, with re-signing the restricted free agent defenseman completing perhaps the team’s last important piece of offseason business.

York, 25, will count $5.15 million against the salary cap through the 2029-30 NHL season. That price could turn out to be a bargain with the upper limit rising from $88 million this past season to $113.5 million by 2027-28.

“Cam has been a workhorse for our team over the last few seasons,” general manager Danny Briere said. “We’re excited by his development and look forward to his continued growth and emergence as a young leader within our group.”

The Flyers are trying to shift from rebuilding to contending, and York was the final player on the roster without a contract. They acquired Trevor Zegras in a trade from Anaheim last month and signed fellow center Christian Dvorak and backup goaltender Dan Vladar on the first day of free agency.

York, the 14th pick in the 2019 draft, has skated nearly 21 minutes a game so far in his pro career, all with Philadelphia. He has 77 points in 235 games for the Flyers, who have not made the playoffs since 2020.

“I believe in this team, and I love the direction we are heading,” York said. “I couldn’t be more excited to continue this journey and build something special together.”

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