Devastating Washington Post Poll Spells Doom For Biden

Published

2 years ago

May 18, 2023

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The following is the opening satirical monologue from The Andrew Klavan Show.

The Washington Post, where Democracy dies in darkness after they drive an ice pick into the back of its neck and toss it into the darkness and leave it there to die, has issued a devastating new poll showing President Bidens approval ratings have fallen to a level that would truly upset him if he were still capable of understanding what a poll is and what numbers are.

The poll shows Bidens approval ratings are now at a mere 36 percent. Whats more, twelve percent of those who approve of Biden are low information voters like journalists and college professors, while 8 percent of them are homeless people who receive their opinions from the demon Azuzu speaking through the fillings in their teeth. Five percent of the Biden supporters were just pranking the pollsters by pretending they knew who Joe Biden is, and the remaining four percent were former Whitney Houston backup singers who now hang out all day on Main and Third in Cincinnati chanting somebody, somebody, somebody who loves me, over and over again, hoping a passerby will put money in their hat so they can afford to get back to New Jersey and vote for Joe Biden.

Seventy-two percent of the people polled thought Biden was too old to be president. Twenty-three percent said no, he was just lying face down in his own drool to get his opponents to underestimate him. And five percent believed the president had passed away last Thursday which made him the politician least likely to ruin the country.

Sixty-three percent of those polled said they would prefer to vote for Donald Trump over Biden. Seventeen percent said they preferred Trump to Biden because Trump could almost speak in complete sentences. Twenty-two percent said Trump was better than Biden because Trump was a reckless bloviating boor who would drive the United States government into a ditch where it would be reduced to flaming rubble, so that was a plus. And sixteen percent said they would vote for Trump because he had assaulted that woman in Bergdorf Goodman after she had written for Saturday Night Live so that left only 247 unfunny writers left unpunished.

Twenty-nine percent of those polled who wanted neither Biden nor Trump said they would vote for Nikki Haley because at least she didnt believe in anything. Fourteen percent said they would vote for RFK Junior because that dude was crazy and if you dropped acid and then played his speeches backwards they would predict who was going to win the next season of Bachelorette. And eleven percent said they would vote for Vivek Ramaswamy because his name was funny and made him sound like a snake charmer and that would be really cool especially if he used a live cobra and then explained how he would reform the Fed while the cobra just wavered in front of him pretending to listen and then suddenly bit him on the face which would be hilarious especially if you were still stoned from listening to RFK.

In other poll results, 92 percent said the country was headed in the wrong direction unless you enjoyed watching that video where the race car careens into the wall and then bursts into flames, in which case the country was right on course. Breaking that result into various groups, fourteen percent of black people said they thought the country was headed in the right direction, but they couldnt be sure because they were pinned down in a crossfire behind a 1978 Dodge Dart. Eighty-two percent of Hispanics said the country was headed in the right direction compared to the country they had just come from. And 52 percent of white people said they were heading in the right direction, namely the direction of Switzerland.

Twenty-seven percent of those polled said the worst problem the country faced was runaway inflation because it meant they couldnt buy as many lottery tickets with their food stamps which gave them a lower chance of winning a loaf of bread. Eighteen percent said the worst problem facing the country was that Don Lemon had been fired and now there was no one left to scream at but their children. And three percent said the worstproblem facing the country was that when their phone rang they thought it was their ex saying she wanted to have breakup sex again but instead it turned out to be some jerkwad asking stupid questions about Joe Biden.

In terms of methodology, the Washington Post said pollsters had developed a system of weighted averages to establish the proper number of Democrats, Republicans and Independents, and then told their boss they had called those people when really they were just making stuff up because they worked for the Washington Post.

Andrew Klavanis the host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire.A popular political satirist and Hollywood screenwriter, Klavan is also an award-winning novelist.His newest novel isA Strange Habit of Mind, book two in the Cameron Winter Mystery series.

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

World

Migrants locked up in notorious El Salvador jail released in Venezuela-US prisoner swap

Published

17 mins ago

July 20, 2025

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Migrants locked up in notorious El Salvador jail released in Venezuela-US prisoner swap

On Friday, Paola Paiva waited in a hotel near Caracas airport, nervous but giddy with excitement to be reunited with her brother, finally.

For five months, Arturo Suarez has been detained in a notorious prison in El Salvador.

“I am going to wait for my brother to call me,” she told Sky News, “and after giving him a hug, I want to just listen to him, listen to his voice. Let him talk and tell us his story.”

Suarez was one of the more than 250 Venezuelan migrants who had been living in America but were arrested in immigration raids by the Trump administration and sent to El Salvador, a showpiece act in the president’s promise to deport millions of migrants.

Most of the men had never even been to El Salvador before. Their detention has been controversial because the White House claims the men are all part of the dangerous Tren de Aragua gang but has provided little evidence to support this assertion.

The only evidence Paola had that Suarez was still alive was a picture of him published on a news website showing the inside of the maximum security CECOT jail.

He is one of dozens of men with their hands and feet cuffed, heads shaved and bodies shackled together.

Now he is returning to his home country, one of the bargaining chips in a deal that saw the release of ten Americans and US permanent residents who had been seized by the Venezuelan authorities.

Paola had tried to go to the airport to greet her brother as he disembarked a charter plane bringing the men back from El Salvador but authorities told her to wait at a nearby hotel.

“They told us they are taking them all to a hotel to rest,” she said.

“But I managed to get someone to give my phone number on a piece of paper to my brother, so I am expecting his call tomorrow, as soon as he can access a phone.

“We heard they are going to perform some medical exams on them and check their criminal records,” she added. “I’m not afraid; I’m not worried since my brother has a clean record.

“I am so happy. I knew this day would happen, and that it would be unexpected, that no one was going to notify us. I knew it was going to be a total surprise.”

The Trump administration had paid the El Salvador government, led by President Nayib Bukele, millions of dollars to imprison the men.

Homeland security secretary Kristi Noem visited CECOT last month, posing in front of prisoners for a photo opportunity.

But Cristosal, an international human rights group based in El Salvador, says it has “documented systematic physical beatings, torture, intentional denial of access to food, water, clothing, health care,” inside the prison.

A video which was seemingly filmed aboard the charter flight bringing the Venezuelan migrants back to Caracas shows Arturo briefly talking about his experience inside.

He looks physically well but speaks into the camera and says: “We were four months with no communication, no phone calls, kidnapped, we didn’t know what (the) day was, not even the time.

“We were beat up at breakfast, lunch and dinner,” he continues.

Sky News interviewed Arturo Suarez‘s brother Nelson near his home in the US in April, weeks after Arturo – an aspiring singer – had been arrested by immigration and customs enforcement (ICE) agents while filming a music video inside a house.

Nelson said he believed Arturo’s only crime was “being Venezuelan and having tattoos.” He showed me documents that indicate Arturo has no criminal record in Venezuela, Chile, Colombia or the United States, the four countries he has lived in.

Now Nelson is delighted Arturo is being released – but worries for his future.

“The only thing that casts a shadow in such a moment of joy is that bit of anger when I think that all the governments involved are going to use my brother’s story, and the others on that flight, as political gain,” he said.

“Each of them will tell a different story, making themselves the heroes, when the reality is that many innocent people suffered unfairly and unnecessarily, and many families will remain separated after this incident due to politics, immigration and fear.”

World

Ha Long Bay: At least 34 dead after tourist boat capsizes in Vietnam

Published

17 mins ago

July 20, 2025

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Ha Long Bay: At least 34 dead after tourist boat capsizes in Vietnam

At least 34 people have died after a tourist boat capsized in Vietnam, according to state media reports.

The Wonder Sea boat was reportedly carrying 53 people, including five crew members, when it capsized due to strong winds in Ha Long Bay on Saturday.

It happened at roughly 2pm local time (7am GMT). Rescue teams have found 11 survivors and recovered 34 bodies, eight of them children, the state-run Vietnam News Agency said, citing local authorities.

The People’s Army Newspaper, which cited local border guards, said authorities have not yet confirmed details about the tourists, including their nationalities, as the rescue operation continues.

Most of the passengers were tourists, including about 20 children, from the country’s capital city, Hanoi, the newspaper said.

The incident comes shortly after the arrival of Storm Wipha in the South China Sea, bringing strong winds, heavy rain and lightning to the area.

The named storm is the third typhoon to hit the South China Sea this year, and is expected to make landfall along the northern coast of Vietnam early next week.

Disruptions linked to the storm have also had an impact on air travel, according to Noi Bai Airport.

The airport reported that nine incoming flights were diverted to other airports, while three outgoing flights were temporarily grounded due to adverse weather conditions.

The winds brought by Storm Wipha reached up to 63mph (101kmph) and gusts of up to 68mph (126kmph) as it passed south of Taiwan on Saturday, according to the island’s Central News Agency.

Ha Long Bay is around 125mi (200km) north east of Hanoi and attracts tens of thousands of visitors each year.

Of those who visit Ha Long Bay, many choose to take overnight boat tours to further explore the area.

World

Gaza: More than 30 people killed ‘as Israeli troops open fire towards Palestinians waiting for aid’

Published

17 mins ago

July 20, 2025

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Gaza: More than 30 people killed 'as Israeli troops open fire towards Palestinians waiting for aid'

More than 30 people have been killed after Israeli troops opened fire towards crowds of Palestinians waiting for aid, according to witnesses and hospital officials.

The deaths occurred near distribution hubs operated by the US-Israeli-backed Gaza Humanitarian Foundation (GHF), which began distributing food packages in Gaza at the end of May, after Israel eased its 11-week blockade of aid into the territory.

At least 32 people were killed on Saturday, according to the Hamas-run Gaza health ministry, while a further 100 people were injured, according to local reports.

Most of the deaths came as Palestinians massed in the Teina area, around 3km (2 miles) away from a GHF aid distribution centre east of the city of Khan Younis.

Mahmoud Mokeimar said he was walking with crowds of people – mostly young men – towards the food hub when troops fired warning shots as the crowd advanced, before opening fire towards the marching people.

“It was a massacre… the occupation opened fire at us indiscriminately,” he said.

Akram Aker said troops fired machine guns mounted on tanks and drones.

“They encircled us and started firing directly at us,” he said.

The Nasser Hospital in Khan Younis said it received 25 bodies, along with dozens of wounded.

Seven other people, including one woman, were killed in the Shakoush area, hundreds of yards north of another GHF hub in Gaza’s southernmost city of Rafah, the hospital said.

The army and GHF did not immediately comment on Saturday’s violence.

The GFH, which has four distribution centres, three of which are in the southern Gaza Strip, says it has distributed millions of meals to hungry Palestinians.

But local health officials and witnesses say hundreds of people have been killed by Israeli army fire as they try to reach the distribution hubs.

The GHF, which employs private armed guards, says there have been no deadly shootings at its sites, though this week, 20 people were killed at one of its locations, most of them in a stampede.

The group accused Hamas agitators of causing a panic, but gave no evidence to back the claim.

The army, which is not at the sites but secures them from a distance, says it only fires warning shots if crowds get too close to its forces.

The 21-month war in Gaza was triggered when Hamas militants stormed into southern Israel on 7 October 2023, killing 1,200 people and taking 250 others hostage.

An Israeli military offensive has killed more than 58,000 Palestinians, according to the Gaza health ministry, while Gaza’s more than two million Palestinians are living through a catastrophic humanitarian crisis.

Israel and Hamas have been holding ceasefire talks in Qatar in recent weeks, but international mediators say there have been no breakthroughs.

US President Donald Trump said another 10 hostages will be released from Gaza shortly, without providing details.