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The following is the opening satirical monologue from The Andrew Klavan Show.

The Washington Post, where Democracy dies in darkness after they drive an ice pick into the back of its neck and toss it into the darkness and leave it there to die, has issued a devastating new poll showing President Bidens approval ratings have fallen to a level that would truly upset him if he were still capable of understanding what a poll is and what numbers are.

The poll shows Bidens approval ratings are now at a mere 36 percent. Whats more, twelve percent of those who approve of Biden are low information voters like journalists and college professors, while 8 percent of them are homeless people who receive their opinions from the demon Azuzu speaking through the fillings in their teeth. Five percent of the Biden supporters were just pranking the pollsters by pretending they knew who Joe Biden is, and the remaining four percent were former Whitney Houston backup singers who now hang out all day on Main and Third in Cincinnati chanting somebody, somebody, somebody who loves me, over and over again, hoping a passerby will put money in their hat so they can afford to get back to New Jersey and vote for Joe Biden.

Seventy-two percent of the people polled thought Biden was too old to be president. Twenty-three percent said no, he was just lying face down in his own drool to get his opponents to underestimate him. And five percent believed the president had passed away last Thursday which made him the politician least likely to ruin the country.

Sixty-three percent of those polled said they would prefer to vote for Donald Trump over Biden. Seventeen percent said they preferred Trump to Biden because Trump could almost speak in complete sentences. Twenty-two percent said Trump was better than Biden because Trump was a reckless bloviating boor who would drive the United States government into a ditch where it would be reduced to flaming rubble, so that was a plus. And sixteen percent said they would vote for Trump because he had assaulted that woman in Bergdorf Goodman after she had written for Saturday Night Live so that left only 247 unfunny writers left unpunished.

Twenty-nine percent of those polled who wanted neither Biden nor Trump said they would vote for Nikki Haley because at least she didnt believe in anything. Fourteen percent said they would vote for RFK Junior because that dude was crazy and if you dropped acid and then played his speeches backwards they would predict who was going to win the next season of Bachelorette. And eleven percent said they would vote for Vivek Ramaswamy because his name was funny and made him sound like a snake charmer and that would be really cool especially if he used a live cobra and then explained how he would reform the Fed while the cobra just wavered in front of him pretending to listen and then suddenly bit him on the face which would be hilarious especially if you were still stoned from listening to RFK.

In other poll results, 92 percent said the country was headed in the wrong direction unless you enjoyed watching that video where the race car careens into the wall and then bursts into flames, in which case the country was right on course. Breaking that result into various groups, fourteen percent of black people said they thought the country was headed in the right direction, but they couldnt be sure because they were pinned down in a crossfire behind a 1978 Dodge Dart. Eighty-two percent of Hispanics said the country was headed in the right direction compared to the country they had just come from. And 52 percent of white people said they were heading in the right direction, namely the direction of Switzerland.

Twenty-seven percent of those polled said the worst problem the country faced was runaway inflation because it meant they couldnt buy as many lottery tickets with their food stamps which gave them a lower chance of winning a loaf of bread. Eighteen percent said the worst problem facing the country was that Don Lemon had been fired and now there was no one left to scream at but their children. And three percent said the worstproblem facing the country was that when their phone rang they thought it was their ex saying she wanted to have breakup sex again but instead it turned out to be some jerkwad asking stupid questions about Joe Biden.

In terms of methodology, the Washington Post said pollsters had developed a system of weighted averages to establish the proper number of Democrats, Republicans and Independents, and then told their boss they had called those people when really they were just making stuff up because they worked for the Washington Post.

Andrew Klavanis the host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire.A popular political satirist and Hollywood screenwriter, Klavan is also an award-winning novelist.His newest novel isA Strange Habit of Mind, book two in the Cameron Winter Mystery series.

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

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Deion eyes QBs, not ceremony, in CU spring game

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Deion eyes QBs, not ceremony, in CU spring game

BOULDER, Colo. — Deion Sanders didn’t get a chance to fully enjoy the moment as his son, Shedeur, and his just-like-a-son, Travis Hunter, had their jerseys retired Saturday before the spring game.

The Colorado coach had too many other obligations — checking out his new QBs, watching special teams and making sure the product was entertaining for a national television audience tuning in.

He was appreciative of the moment, though, even if the jersey retirement has rankled some former Colorado players and fans.

“I looked in both of their eyes — I know [Shedeur and Travis] were pleased, they were thankful, and they were proud,” Deion Sanders said. “That means a lot to me.

“The time frame, nobody’s going to be happy with. Somebody’s always going have something to say. But the way we are right now, we are a now generation. … those guys deserve what they deserve right now. So I’m proud of them.”

It was one of the last times that Hunter and Shedeur Sanders will team up on the turf at Folsom Field. Standing at midfield, they watched their retired jersey numbers — No. 2 for Sanders, No. 12 for Hunter — unveiled on the east face of the stadium.

This kicked off a busy week for Hunter, the Heisman Trophy winner, and Sanders, the Johnny Unitas Award winner as college football’s top QB. Both are expected to be high draft picks when the NFL draft starts on Thursday.

Once the retired ceremony concluded, the Buffaloes got down to the business of football.

Namely, finding a successor for Shedeur Sanders.

It figures to be a two-QB race between Kaidon Salter, a transfer from Liberty, and Julian “JuJu” Lewis, the five-star recruit who arrived on campus last fall to get an early start.

Lewis was the first to take the field and there were early jitters. He mixed the pass with the run, which will be a familiar sight as Colorado emphasizes the ground game this season now that the younger Sanders is gone. The Buffaloes brought in Hall of Famer Marshall Faulk as the running backs coach to provide a spark.

“He’s still a young man,” Deion Sanders said of Lewis. “We don’t care about the age and the stage, though.”

Salter showed a veteran’s poise when it was his turn. The dual-threat QB threw for 56 TDs at Liberty and ran for 21 scores.

“I fell in love with the offense,” Salter said of why he chose Colorado. “We have a fully loaded staff here that knows what it takes to get to the next level.”

Shedeur Sanders sauntered along the sideline, taking in the action of his heirs apparent, Lewis and Salter. Looking on as well was Hunter.

Sanders and Hunter became the fifth and sixth players in Colorado’s 135-year history to have their jerseys retired.

At halftime, the Buffaloes announced the late coach Bill McCartney would be honored next season with a statue. McCartney, who led the program to its only football national championship in 1990, died in January at 84.

Deion Sanders said he only wishes the tribute came earlier.

“Why are we waiting? Wouldn’t (McCartney) have wanted him to see (it), to be involved in it, to feel it, to feel the love, the respect, the appreciation? Why’d we wait?” asked Sanders, who plans to honor McCartney next fall by donning a similar hat and jacket as the Hall of Fame coach used to wear. “Everything we get is right now. We want something, we order it off Amazon — right now. We’re not a … waiting generation no more. That’s over. That’s a wrap on that. Everybody in here is impatient. You download stuff right now, putting it out as I speak. Let’s stop.

“I’m sad because I wanted him to see that. He can’t see that.”

Bring on Syracuse?

The attendance was announced at 20,430 fans, which was down from the previous two spring games. Sanders thinks the NCAA nixing a plan to play Syracuse hurt ticket sales. Still, he wants to see more seats filled.

“We do have a tremendous fan base, but we need a little more support when it comes to whatever we do inside the stadium,” Sanders said. “We should be packing it like it’s a game.”

Walk-on honored

Walk-on safety Ben Finneseth was awarded a scholarship by Sanders.

“As soon as I put my head in his shoulder, I said, ‘Thank you for believing in me.’ Because he’s believed in me since Day 1,” Finneseth said. “I can’t thank everyone enough for giving me the opportunity.”

Information from The Associated Press was used in this report.

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Missouri State safety dies in possible gun mishap

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Missouri State safety dies in possible gun mishap

Missouri State senior football player Todric McGee died early Saturday from what police believe was a “possible accidental self-inflicted gunshot wound.”

A spokesperson for the Springfield (Missouri) Police Department said they found McGee at his residence while performing a wellness check Friday morning. He was transported to a hospital, where he died from his injuries.

He was 21.

“Our football family is in shock and in mourning at the loss of Todric,” Bears head football coach Ryan Beard said in a statement. “We ask everyone to please respect the privacy of his family and our MoState football team at this time as we begin the healing process. Join us in praying for Todric and the people who loved him.”

McGee, a fifth-year senior, started each of the past two seasons for the Bears. He earned All-Missouri Valley Football Conference honors in 2023.

“This tragedy has shaken our football program to the core, and we want them to know we are here to support them in every way possible at this extremely difficult time,” athletic director Patrick Ransdell said in the school’s statement.

The investigation into McGee’s death is ongoing, police said.

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U-M’s Underwood has up-and-down spring game

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U-M's Underwood has up-and-down spring game

Michigan quarterback Bryce Underwood showed glimpses of the growing pains he will experience as a freshman and flashes of the promise that made him the nation’s top-rated high school football recruit in the Wolverines’ spring game Saturday.

Underwood was 12 of 26 for 187 yards with a scrimmage-ending, 88-yard pass to tight end Jalen Hoffman on a reverse flea-flicker in a 17-0 win for the Blue over the Maize.

He also recovered his fumble, had a pair of delay-of-game penalties, several errant throws – high and wide – and some dropped. Underwood lost 12 yards on two sacks and gained 17 yards on three runs.

“He did well,” coach Sherrone Moore said. “Made some really, good throws and had some things we need to clean up and get better at.”

As the Wolverines wrapped up spring football in front of about 40,000 fans at the Big House, all eyes were on Underwood and he has become comfortable with that.

“It’s just the pressure that came with my arm,” Underwood told The Detroit News earlier this spring. “I can’t stop that.”

Underwood was sacked on his first snap and his first completion went for a loss. He did throw some darts, usually in the flat, and was quick enough to escape collapsed pockets to pick up yardage with his feet.

Underwood is expected to compete with sophomore Jadyn Davis and Fresno State transfer Mikey Keene for playing time ahead of the season-opening game on Aug. 30 at home against Fresno State.

“It’s a battle,” Moore said. “It’s going to go all the way to fall camp.”

Underwood is motivated to start and kick off a legacy-building career with lofty goals.

“A couple of Heismans and at least one natty,” Underwood said last month in an interview on the Rich Eisen Show.

Underwood knows there will be people doubting he can live up to the hype.

‘He’s just a freshman. He won’t be good enough,'” Underwood said. “I might keep that chip my whole three years.”

He attended at Belleville High School, which is about 15 miles east of Ann Arbor, and flipped his commitment to Michigan after telling LSU coaches last year he intended to play there.

Tom Brady, a former Wolverine and seven-time Super Bowl winner, talked with Underwood during the school’s recruitment via FaceTime and Oracle founder Larry Ellison, one of the world’s richest people, also connected with him.

Jay Underwood told the Wall Street Journal that his son is expected to make more than $15 million at Michigan, but that doesn’t guarantee he will take the first snap next fall.

“He wants to earn everything,” Moore has said. “He doesn’t want to be given anything.”

Hoffman said Underwood has simply blended in with his teammates.

“He’s really humble, like not a big head, ego, nothing like that,” he said. “Comes into work and every day, he wants to get better every day. He’s not riding off his success in high school. He’s really trying to be one of those top players in college football.”

Underwood participated in practices with the team before it beat Alabama in a bowl game, enrolled in classes in January and gained a lot experience in 14 private practices before a public scrimmage.

“Football is football,” he told MLive.com. “School is a little bit more overwhelming now.”

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