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Right now would be a good time to Google the question: Do men menstruate?, if right now you happen to be drunk out of your mind, already wearing a lampshade on your head and quickly running out of other jokes to keep your friends in the hot tub giggling helplessly until you can find some quiet place in which to violently vomit and collapse into unconsciousness. Because as it turns out, if you Google the question, Do men menstruate? the first hilarious response Google will give you is this and this is an exact quote: Having a period is not a feminine thing, and people of all genders menstruate, including non-binary people, agender people and even plenty of men!

Now I know what youre thinking. Youre thinking, Oh Klavan, you raucously rambunctious maestro of merriment, how did you invent this absurd scenario that makes it seem as if one of the most powerful corporations on earth is trying to drag the rest of us into a swirling toilet bowl of mendacity so that well be ultimately flushed into the twisted plumbing of stupidity and spat out into the sewer of cultural lunacy?

But no, I am not making this up. In fact, according to the entire first page of responses on Google, menstruation, the process by which breeding age females who are not pregnant reabsorb their monthly ovum into the lining of their uterus and then expel that lining through their vaginas, can also take place in people who are not female, cant get pregnant, dont produce ova, dont have a uterus and cant expel its lining through their vaginas which they also dont have. What a wonderful font of information Google is for people who dont know the meaning of the word font and arent interested in getting any information!

Now you may think, All right, when Google reports that men can do what they could only do in an alternative universe where words have no meaning and Google is a font of information, perhaps it would be true to say that Google has become a corrupt, politicized lie factory that replaced its original slogan of Dont Be Evil with the new slogan, Oh, what the hell, lets be so Evil that even the word Evil will not be able to contain the Evil that is Google-level Evil. But what about the rest of the response that says menstruation can occur in non-binary people, and agender people, and people with genders other than male and female and unicorns and brobdignags and cooley-booley-oolios and saka-dela-reekios and chuga-booga-naga-dooba-dees and other non-existent creatures I just invented? Wouldnt it be a happier world if every single phantom that populates the fever dreams of woke insipidity could enjoy the same monthly bleeding, cramps, bloating, and irritability that were hitherto reserved only for those women so privileged they get to spend three days a month curled up on the sofa when theyd much rather be rampaging through Google headquarters with a butcher knife cutting out the beating heart of every single mother-jumping moronic son-of-a-b****itch who thinks its cool to say men can menstruate?

And sure, maybe the non-existent creatures of Googles imaginary menagerie, can not only menstruate but are much less annoying than menstruating women because menstruating women have the disadvantage of actually existing when they menstruate, which is no walk in the park, or at least so Im told. Still, you would think a corporation whose only purpose is to give you ready access to honest information so they can steal your personal browsing habits and sell them to other soulless corporate entities would at least create an algorithm that gives you ready access to honest information instead of lying to you about whats between your legs when a simple lowering of your chin will reveal to you that it isnt between your legs and even if, through some act of surgical barbarism, it were between your legs, it wouldnt be.

Now some of you may be thinking, Gee, Klavan, you sound pretty irritable about this. Maybe its your time of the month. And all I can say is: if menstruating is anywhere near as irritating as being lied to by a bunch of flabby-souled corporate jerkwads like the people at Google, Im glad Im a man and can use Duck Duck Go.

Andrew Klavan is the host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire. He is an award-winning novelist, Hollywood screenwriter, and popular satirist. Klavan isthe author of When Christmas Comes and Strange Habit of Mind, the first two novels in the USA Today best-selling Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, The House of Love and Death, releases on October 31, 2023, and is now available forPre-order.

Follow Klavan on Twitter:@andrewklavan

This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of The Andrew Klavan Show.

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

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Sir Keir Starmer could be ousted as PM within months, two senior Labour MPs tell Sky News

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Sir Keir Starmer could be ousted as PM within months, two senior Labour MPs tell Sky News

Two senior Labour MPs have suggested the prime minister may have to go within months if the government continues to perform poorly.

Sky News’ deputy political editor Sam Coates said his sources – a member of the government and a prominent politician – have “put Sir Keir Starmer on notice”.

Both warned that, if Labour performs badly in next May’s elections across Wales, Scotland and London, it could mark the end of his time in Downing Street.

Coates added: “The level of unhappiness and despair in parts of the Labour Party is so striking that right now, on the first anniversary, I am hearing from ministers in government that Starmer might have to go in months.”

Reform UK is surging in the polls in Wales, while Labour faces a threat from left-wing parties such as the Greens in London.

It comes as the prime minister made it clear that Rachel Reeves has his “complete support” as chancellor and remains integral to his project, Sky News’s political editor Beth Rigby understands.

She looked visibly upset during Prime Minister’s Questions, with a spokesperson claiming she had been affected by a “personal matter”.

A day earlier, Sir Keir’s controversial welfare bill was passed despite a sizeable rebellion from Labour MPs, with major U-turns meaning a new £5bn black hole has appeared in the country’s finances.

One senior figure told Rigby that the pair were as “as close politically” as any chancellor and prime minister have ever been.

“She is going absolutely nowhere,” they added.

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Welfare vote ‘a blow to the prime minister’

Ms Reeves’s tears sent markets spiralling, with the value of the pound and long-term government bonds falling sharply.

Later in the day Sir Keir, said Ms Reeves will be chancellor for a “very long time to come”.

The prime minister said it was “absolutely wrong” to suggest her tearful appearance in the Commons related to the welfare U-turn.

“It’s got nothing to do with politics, nothing to do with what’s happened this week. It was a personal matter for her,” he said while speaking to the BBC’s podcast Political Thinking with Nick Robinson.

“I’m not going to intrude on her privacy by talking to you about that. It is a personal matter.”

Read more from Sky News:
Just 25% of public think Starmer will win next election
Analysis: Emotional Reeves a reminder of tough decisions ahead

Asked if she will remain in post, he said: “She will be chancellor by the time this is broadcast, she will be chancellor for a very long time to come, because this project that we’ve been working on to change the Labour party, to win the election, change the country, that is a project which the chancellor and I’ve been working on together.”

He said Ms Reeves has done a “fantastic job” and added: “She and I work together, we think together. In the past, there have been examples – I won’t give any specific – of chancellors and prime ministers who weren’t in lockstep. We’re in lockstep.”

Wes Streeting, the health secretary, also offered a strong defence for the prime minister and chancellor.

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Health Secretary: Reeves is ‘resilient’

He told Sky News this morning that Sir Keir has been “consistently underestimated” and was “of course” safe as prime minister.

And he said Ms Reeves was a “tough character” who was ” resilient” and “here to stay”.

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Greater Manchester Police investigating grooming cases with more than 700 victims

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Greater Manchester Police investigating grooming cases with more than 700 victims

Despite making “significant improvements”, Greater Manchester Police (GMP) has lost the “trust and confidence” of some victims of grooming gangs, according to a report by the police watchdog.

Michelle Skeer, His Majesty’s Inspector of Constabulary, said that since 2019, when GMP started to review its non-recent child sexual exploitation investigations, “the force has improved its understanding and approach to investigating allegations of child criminal and sexual exploitation”.

The document, published today, said police have live investigations into “multi-victim, multi-offender” child sexual exploitation inquiries, involving 714 victims and survivors, and 1,099 suspects.

Grooming gangs scandal timeline

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‘Our chance for justice’

But despite recording improvements, a report by His Majesty’s Inspectorate of Constabulary and Fire & Rescue Services (HMICFRS) also identified:

• Various training gaps within the investigation team
• Lack of consistency in evaluating case files between social care, health and police
• Failures to initially support victims meant they had “lost trust and confidence” in police

The report was commissioned by the Mayor of Greater Manchester Andy Burnham in 2024 to evaluate whether police, councils and health services can protect children from sexual exploitation in the future.

More on Andy Burnham

Its release comes days after Sir Keir Starmer announced he was launching a new national inquiry into grooming gangs after previously arguing one was not necessary,

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Starmer to launch new grooming gang inquiry

The findings were issued as the final part of the CSE (child sexual exploitation) Assurance Review process which started in 2017. The first three reports examined non-recent child sexual exploitation in Manchester, Oldham and Rochdale.

Mr Skeer said that the force has been trying to improve its service to those who have experienced sexual exploitation, but previous failings have badly affected trust in GMP.

He said: “For some, trust and confidence in the police had been lost, and the force would not be able to rectify their experiences.

“It is vital that improvements are led by victims’ experiences, and if they do come forward, they are supported, protected and taken seriously.”

A recent report by Baroness Casey found a significant over-representation of Asian men who are suspects in grooming gangs in Greater Manchester, adding though authorities are in “denial” more needs to be done to understand why this is the case.

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Teen caught in child sex exploitation

Inspectors also said there were “training gaps” in some investigation teams and issues with data sharing, with local councils sometimes not willing to provide detectives with information, leading to “significant delays in investigations” into grooming gangs.

It cites problems with intelligence provided by Manchester City Council, which took months to arrive and “was so heavily redacted that some pages contained only a few words”, the report said.

Read more from Sky News:
Analysis: Badenoch’s grooming gangs outrage
Grooming survivor wants apology from Starmer

GMP is the only force in the country to set up a dedicated team to investigate grooming gangs. Called the Child Sexual Exploitation Major Investigation Team (CSE MIT) it has about 100 staff and a ringfenced budget.

In October 2024, the force told inspectors there were 59 live multi-victim, multi-offender child sexual exploitation investigations, of which 13 were being managed by the CSE MIT.

The report adds: “The force fully accepts that it made mistakes in the past.

“It has taken positive and effective steps to learn from these mistakes and improve how it investigates recent and non-recent child sexual exploitation.”

Separately, the Baird Inquiry published in July 2024 found officers at GMP were abusing their power – making unlawful arrests, unlawful and demeaning strip searches, sometimes treating victims as perpetrators, and traumatising those who have suffered sexual abuse or domestic violence.

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Wes Streeting defends chancellor and PM ahead of ‘seismic’ 10-year plan for NHS

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Wes Streeting defends chancellor and PM ahead of 'seismic' 10-year plan for NHS

The health secretary has offered a strong defence of the prime minister and chancellor – ahead of Sir Keir Starmer setting out his 10-year vision for the NHS.

PM ‘might have to go in months’ – politics latest

Wes Streeting dismissed suggestions the prime minister could be forced out in months following the toughest week of his premiership yet, and described Rachel Reeves as “resilient” and would “bounce back” following her tearful appearance in the Commons on Wednesday.

Overnight, two senior sources – a member of the government and a prominent politician – told Sky News’ deputy political editor Sam Coates that they had “put Sir Keir Starmer on notice”.

The health secretary, who was speaking as Sir Keir prepares to set out his 10-year vision for the NHS, said the prime minister had been “consistently underestimated”.

Asked by Kamali Melbourne on Sky News Breakfast whether Sir Keir was “safe”, Mr Streeting said: “Of course.

“Keir Starmer has been consistently underestimated. I wonder when people will learn.

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Reeves has ‘complete support’

“They said he couldn’t win the Labour leadership, but he did. They said he couldn’t change the Labour Party, but he did.

“They said he couldn’t take the Labour Party from its worst defeat since the 1930s to election victory last year. And he did and now the cynics say he can’t change the country, but he will.”

As for Ms Reeves – whose tearful appearance in the Commons spooked markets after the prime minister initially failed to back her, Mr Streeting said the chancellor was a “tough character” who was “resilient and she will bounce back”.

The health secretary declined to expand on why Ms Reeves was in the chamber at all yesterday, repeating that it was a personal matter.

“Rachel Reeves as chancellor is here to stay,” he continued.

“We need her to get the economy from strength to strength, to make sure that family finances are in better health than we were when we came into office.”

Speculation about the futures of the two most senior members of the government threaten to overshadow the announcement today, which the government says is “one of the most seismic shifts” in the health service’s history.

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Why has Starmer axed NHS England?

Sir Keir will pledge three main facets of the plan: moving care into the community, digitising the NHS, and a focus on sickness prevention.

The prime minister will announce neighbourhood health services will be rolled out across England to improve access to the NHS and to shift care out of overstrained hospitals.

Sir Keir has already promised thousands more GPs will be trained, and to end the 8am “scramble” for an appointment.

He also previously said his government will bring the NHS into the digital age, with “groundbreaking” new tools to support GPs rolled out over the next two years – including AI to take notes, draft letters and enter data.

And he will promise new contracts that will encourage and allow GP practices to cover a wider geographical area, so small practices will get more support.

Unite, one of the UK’s largest healthcare unions, welcomed the plan cautiously but said staff need to be the focus to ensure people are better looked after.

Read more:
Hundreds of NHS quangos to be axed

How pilot scheme from Brazil is helping NHS

‘Reform or die’

Sir Keir said: “The NHS should be there for everyone, whenever they need it.

“But we inherited a health system in crisis, addicted to a sticking plaster approach, and unable to face up to the challenges we face now, let alone in the future.

“That ends now. Because it’s reform or die.”

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Do you want AI listening in on chats with your doctor?

Neighbourhood health services

The newly announced neighbourhood health services will provide “pioneering teams” in local communities, so patients can more conveniently access a full range of healthcare services close to home.

Local areas will be encouraged to trial innovative schemes like community outreach door-to-door to detect early signs of illness and reduce pressure on GPs and A&E.

The aim is to eventually have new health centres open 12 hours a day, six days a week to offer GP services as well as diagnostics, post-operative care and rehab.

They will also offer services like debt advice, employment support, stop smoking help or weight management.

More NHS dentists

Dentists will also be part of the plan, with dental care professionals part of the neighbourhood teams.

Dental “therapists” will carry out check-ups, treatments and referrals, while dental nurses could give education and advice to parents or work with schools and community groups.

Newly qualified dentists will be required to practice in the NHS for a minimum period, which they have said will be three years.

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