Like A Swirling Toilet Bowl Of Mendacity, Woke Search Engine Says Men Can Menstruate

Published

1 year ago

September 14, 2023

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Right now would be a good time to Google the question: Do men menstruate?, if right now you happen to be drunk out of your mind, already wearing a lampshade on your head and quickly running out of other jokes to keep your friends in the hot tub giggling helplessly until you can find some quiet place in which to violently vomit and collapse into unconsciousness. Because as it turns out, if you Google the question, Do men menstruate? the first hilarious response Google will give you is this and this is an exact quote: Having a period is not a feminine thing, and people of all genders menstruate, including non-binary people, agender people and even plenty of men!

Now I know what youre thinking. Youre thinking, Oh Klavan, you raucously rambunctious maestro of merriment, how did you invent this absurd scenario that makes it seem as if one of the most powerful corporations on earth is trying to drag the rest of us into a swirling toilet bowl of mendacity so that well be ultimately flushed into the twisted plumbing of stupidity and spat out into the sewer of cultural lunacy?

But no, I am not making this up. In fact, according to the entire first page of responses on Google, menstruation, the process by which breeding age females who are not pregnant reabsorb their monthly ovum into the lining of their uterus and then expel that lining through their vaginas, can also take place in people who are not female, cant get pregnant, dont produce ova, dont have a uterus and cant expel its lining through their vaginas which they also dont have. What a wonderful font of information Google is for people who dont know the meaning of the word font and arent interested in getting any information!

Now you may think, All right, when Google reports that men can do what they could only do in an alternative universe where words have no meaning and Google is a font of information, perhaps it would be true to say that Google has become a corrupt, politicized lie factory that replaced its original slogan of Dont Be Evil with the new slogan, Oh, what the hell, lets be so Evil that even the word Evil will not be able to contain the Evil that is Google-level Evil. But what about the rest of the response that says menstruation can occur in non-binary people, and agender people, and people with genders other than male and female and unicorns and brobdignags and cooley-booley-oolios and saka-dela-reekios and chuga-booga-naga-dooba-dees and other non-existent creatures I just invented? Wouldnt it be a happier world if every single phantom that populates the fever dreams of woke insipidity could enjoy the same monthly bleeding, cramps, bloating, and irritability that were hitherto reserved only for those women so privileged they get to spend three days a month curled up on the sofa when theyd much rather be rampaging through Google headquarters with a butcher knife cutting out the beating heart of every single mother-jumping moronic son-of-a-b****itch who thinks its cool to say men can menstruate?

And sure, maybe the non-existent creatures of Googles imaginary menagerie, can not only menstruate but are much less annoying than menstruating women because menstruating women have the disadvantage of actually existing when they menstruate, which is no walk in the park, or at least so Im told. Still, you would think a corporation whose only purpose is to give you ready access to honest information so they can steal your personal browsing habits and sell them to other soulless corporate entities would at least create an algorithm that gives you ready access to honest information instead of lying to you about whats between your legs when a simple lowering of your chin will reveal to you that it isnt between your legs and even if, through some act of surgical barbarism, it were between your legs, it wouldnt be.

Now some of you may be thinking, Gee, Klavan, you sound pretty irritable about this. Maybe its your time of the month. And all I can say is: if menstruating is anywhere near as irritating as being lied to by a bunch of flabby-souled corporate jerkwads like the people at Google, Im glad Im a man and can use Duck Duck Go.

Andrew Klavan is the host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire. He is an award-winning novelist, Hollywood screenwriter, and popular satirist. Klavan isthe author of When Christmas Comes and Strange Habit of Mind, the first two novels in the USA Today best-selling Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, The House of Love and Death, releases on October 31, 2023, and is now available forPre-order.

Follow Klavan on Twitter:@andrewklavan

This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of The Andrew Klavan Show.

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

Entertainment

FKA Twigs opens ‘self-healing’ exhibition The Eleven at Sotheby’s

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37 mins ago

September 14, 2024

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FKA Twigs opens 'self-healing' exhibition The Eleven at Sotheby's

FKA Twigs says her latest work – a live performance piece at Sotheby’s – is part of her “huge and healing journey” over the last few years, in which she’s learned “how to use and live in my body again”.

The 36-year-old singer and actress opened her first major exhibition on Saturday, the day after her third album – Eusexua – dropped.

It’s a decade since the Cheltenham-born star – real name Tahliah Barnett – released LP1, and a world away from her first professional gigs as a backing dancer for stars including Kylie Minogue and Jessie J.

Described as “a physical and artistic quest for self-healing”, The Eleven comprises a rotating group of 11 “movers”, cycling through 11 ritualised motions that each last 11 minutes and are designed to improve your life.

Each addresses an issue with modern living, including our relationship with technology, simplifying our lives and self-awareness.

For example, if you’re suffering from screen addiction, the first part of a ritual might demand rubbing your hand when you discover that instead of being in the moment you are itching to check Instagram on your phone.

Or if you’ve got personal traits you want to fix, you might “take two hours out on a Saturday to think, ‘Oh, why do I get angry when I stand in a queue in Sainsbury’s?’ You know it’s not because of the queue”.

She tells Sky News she choreographed the project to “create a sense of calm, and to just gain more control over my life so that I can concentrate on the things of beautiful and wild and free and not get bogged down with all of the noise”.

Twigs, who studied opera and ballet from a young age, will take part in some performances, which will also feature a revolving cast of “special guests”.

It’s not only a first for Twigs, but also for Sotheby’s, as the first piece of live performance art in the London gallery’s 280-year history.

‘I’m a wild-rooted, earthy woman’

Twigs cites Madonna, Tracey Emin (her pen pal as a teen) and Serbian conceptual artist Marina Abramovic as three of her muses, adding: “In the last two years, as I am a grown-up now, I’ve really looked to these women just to encourage me to keep going and get my message out there.”

Twigs explains: “There have been so many women that have just created something so much bigger than themselves, and they haven’t given up, and they’ve kept on going and they’ve ignored the naysayers.”

Her work is also inspired by her own life, rich pickings for the star who says: “I feel like I could get 10 albums just out of my life and from [ages] 16 to 18 if I just sat down and really thought about it.”

She says she only wore a certain shade of blue in the year she was writing the album (“a worn Japanese blue” according to the star) and created “a modular wardrobe” along with collaborator Yaz XL to sit alongside the project and “take the stress of looking good out of your life”.

One thing Twigs is clear hasn’t inspired the exhibition’s message is the California wellness trends so popular with celebrities and millionaires.

She says: “I’m half Jamaican from a single-parent working-class family. So, I don’t really know of those Californian things too much. I’ve just made it from my life experience and I’m a wild-rooted, earthy woman.”

The exhibition includes intimate photographs and Polaroids taken by Twigs’s partner, photographer Jordan Hemingway, who she lives with in east London.

‘It’s about touching, slapping and holding yourself’

Twigs says rather than seeing the images as revealing, she sees them as “true”, adding: “I don’t really see my body in that way. Revealing or not revealing, I’d probably feel more awkward in an outfit I didn’t like, you know?“

The star goes on: “Over the past few years, I’ve been on a huge healing journey and, have had to learn how to use and how to live in my body again.”

She says one message of the show is shrugging off body hang-ups: “It’s about touching yourself and slapping yourself and holding yourself and moving in a way that just gets rid of all inhibitions.

“It’s about realising that we’re in our vessels and we can take control of them… Express ourselves. It’s raw and it’s wild and it’s ugly. And in that way, it’s perfect.”

It’s been a challenging few years for the singer, filing papers to sue her former partner Shia LaBeouf over alleged abuse four years ago, next month will see the case finally come to court in LA.

Twigs says the 38-year-old Hollywood star physically and emotionally abused her during their year-long relationship.

LaBeouf has denied the claims but apologised for the hurt he has caused.

‘Sistah Space feels like home’

With one in four women suffering domestic abuse during their lifetime, it’s a reality Twigs feels needs to be addressed.

As an ambassador for Sistah Space, a UK charity supporting African and Caribbean heritage women affected by domestic and sexual abuse, Twigs says she has found strength from the “strong women” around her.

Twigs explains: “I think that domestic violence and interpersonal relationship violence is a really misunderstood subject, and I think it can be even more complicated when you’re of colour and from different cultures.

“Sistah Space is an amazing organisation that helps support women and survivors, find their voice again, find their feet again after going through something really horrific. Sistah Space feels like home to me.

“I spoke to Ngosi [Fulani, the founder of Sistah Space] today on the way here, actually. And all of these incredibly strong women really inspired me to make this work and to keep going and to have tenacity and strength and all of these things to carry on and fight through in my own journey.”

Eusexua

The exhibition ties in with Twigs’s new album Eusexua – a “Twigism” coined by the star summing up that lightbulb moment when things just click.

With a new album out, a film out in the UK next month (the reboot of cult classic The Crow opposite Swedish actor Bill Skarsgard) and filming another, plus this exhibition, there’s no denying it’s an exciting year for the star.

But with her feet firmly on the ground, Twigs is just happy to be sharing her work with the world.

She sums up: “I feel like I’ve always kept myself very busy and I really love what I do and I love expressing myself and I love the arts and I’m just really grateful for all the opportunities to get them out there into the world.”

The Eleven is at Sotheby’s in London from Saturday 14 to Thursday 26 September and is free to view.

FKA Twig’s third studio album, Eusexua, is out now.

Sports

Judge clubs grand slam for 52nd HR, halts drought

Published

37 mins ago

September 14, 2024

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Judge clubs grand slam for 52nd HR, halts drought

Jorge Castillo, ESPN Staff WriterSep 13, 2024, 10:15 PM ET
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NEW YORK — Aaron Judge ended the longest home run drought of his major league career in the loudest way possible Friday night.

With the New York Yankees facing a three-run deficit against the Boston Red Sox in the seventh inning, Judge clubbed a go-ahead grand slam for his major-league-leading 52nd home run of the season. The swat unleashed thunderous delirium at Yankee Stadium. MVP chants prompted Judge to emerge for a curtain call.

The blast was Judge’s eighth career grand slam. He had gone 16 games, 60 at-bats and 75 plate appearances since last homering on Aug. 25 against the Colorado Rockies.

The anticipation for the possibility began building earlier in the inning.

Red Sox right-hander Justin Slaten began the bottom of the seventh with full counts to Anthony Volpe and Alex Verdugo. Both times he walked the batter. Gleyber Torres followed with a single to score Volpe from second base for the Yankees’ first run of the night.

Red Sox manager Alex Cora then replaced Slaten with left-hander Cam Booser, who had to figure out how to deal with Juan Soto and Judge, the most productive offensive duo in baseball.

Booser chose to pitch around Soto, walking him on four pitches way out of the strike zone down and away to load the bases. With each ball, the decibel level reached a new height. By the fourth one, Yankee Stadium was in a frenzy. Soto flipped his bat. Judge strolled to the plate. Booser was in trouble.

Booser fell behind Judge with a cutter in the dirt and a fastball that appeared to be in the strike zone. Forced to attack Judge, Booser grooved a 96 mph fastball down the middle to Judge, who pounced and didn’t miss it.

The score held as the Yankees beat the Red Sox 5-4.

Politics

Keir Starmer talks up US-UK relationship – but questions remain over Ukraine’s use of long-range missiles

Published

37 mins ago

September 14, 2024

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Keir Starmer talks up US-UK relationship - but questions remain over Ukraine's use of long-range missiles

Sir Keir Starmer has talked up the US-UK relationship after a White House meeting with Joe Biden, but questions remain over Ukraine’s use of long-range missiles.

The prime minister travelled to Washington this week to meet with President Biden to discuss the wars in Ukraine and Gaza – among other issues.

Speaking before the “long and productive” meeting held in the White House on Friday, Sir Keir said the two countries were “strategically aligned” in their attempts to resolve the war.

Afterwards, he skirted around questions regarding Ukraine’s use of long-range missiles, saying: “We’ve had a long and productive discussion on a number of problems, including Ukraine, as you’d expect, the Middle East, and the Indo-Pacific, talking strategically about tactical decisions.

“This isn’t about a particular decision but we’ll obviously pick up again in UNGA (UN General Assembly) in just a few days’ time with a wider group of individuals, but this was a really important invitation from the president to have this level of discussion about those critical issues.”

Ukraine war latest: Putin threatens NATO with ‘war’

Decisions loom for Ukraine’s key Western allies as Volodymyr Zelenskyy has recently increased pressure on them to permit his forces to use long-range missiles to strike inside Russian territory.

However, despite repeated calls for a decision, the West has so far resisted green-lighting the use of the missiles.

Two US officials familiar with the discussions said they believed that Sir Keir was seeking US approval to let Ukraine use British Storm Shadow missiles for expanded strikes into Russia, according to Reuters news agency.

They added that they believed Mr Biden would be amenable.

The president’s approval would be needed because Storm Shadow components are made in the US.

But when speaking to journalists after the meeting, Sir Keir was repeatedly pressed on the long-range missile question but evaded giving a firm decision.

“This wasn’t a meeting about a particular capability. That wasn’t why we got our heads down today,” he said.

The US has been concerned that any step could lead to an escalation in the conflict and has moved cautiously so far, however, there have been reports in recent days that Mr Biden might shift his administration’s policy.

It wasn’t much, but it’s a start

There wasn’t much to say at the end, but it’s a start.

Both sides in these discussions had spent some time playing down expectations and the Americans were insistent their stance wasn’t changing on Ukraine and long-range missiles.

“Nothing to see here” seemed to be the message.

Only, there clearly was – a glance at the headlines gave that the lie.

It’s not every day a Russian president threatens war with the West.

The UK and US were discussing a change in strategy because they must – anything less would be a dereliction of duty for two leaders pledging a commitment to Ukraine’s fight.

Just ask Kyiv’s president Volodymyr Zelenskyy.

Following the meeting, Sir Keir Starmer said they’d talked tactics and strategy.

It will have had missiles, range, and Russian territory at the heart of it.

That is the material change in strategy demanded by Ukraine and supported widely among its backers.

A plan discussed by both sides of the special relationship will now be floated to other, allied nations in an effort to build a coordinated coalition behind a change in strategy.

And they’ll do it against the clock.

There is the unpredictability of the war itself in Ukraine and no less certainty surrounding the political battle at home.

A Trump victory in November’s US election would change the picture – here and there.

Vladimir Putin previously threatened the West, warning that allowing Ukraine to use long-range missiles to strike inside Russian territory would put Moscow “at war” with NATO.

Speaking to Russian state television, he insisted the decision would “significantly change” the nature of the war.

He added: “This will be their direct participation, and this, of course, will significantly change the very essence, the very nature of the conflict.

“This will mean that NATO countries, US, European countries are at war with Russia.

“If this is so, then, bearing in mind the change in the very essence of this conflict, we will make appropriate decisions based on the threats that will be created for us.”

When asked about the threats, Mr Biden brushed them aside, saying: “I don’t think much about Vladimir Putin.”

There remains some scepticism within the US over the impact that allowing Kyiv to unleash long-range missiles would have.

US officials, according to Reuters, have pointed out that Ukraine already has the capability to strike into Russia using drones, and while US missiles would enhance that they are too costly and limited in number to change the overall picture.