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Right now would be a good time to Google the question: Do men menstruate?, if right now you happen to be drunk out of your mind, already wearing a lampshade on your head and quickly running out of other jokes to keep your friends in the hot tub giggling helplessly until you can find some quiet place in which to violently vomit and collapse into unconsciousness. Because as it turns out, if you Google the question, Do men menstruate? the first hilarious response Google will give you is this and this is an exact quote: Having a period is not a feminine thing, and people of all genders menstruate, including non-binary people, agender people and even plenty of men!

Now I know what youre thinking. Youre thinking, Oh Klavan, you raucously rambunctious maestro of merriment, how did you invent this absurd scenario that makes it seem as if one of the most powerful corporations on earth is trying to drag the rest of us into a swirling toilet bowl of mendacity so that well be ultimately flushed into the twisted plumbing of stupidity and spat out into the sewer of cultural lunacy?

But no, I am not making this up. In fact, according to the entire first page of responses on Google, menstruation, the process by which breeding age females who are not pregnant reabsorb their monthly ovum into the lining of their uterus and then expel that lining through their vaginas, can also take place in people who are not female, cant get pregnant, dont produce ova, dont have a uterus and cant expel its lining through their vaginas which they also dont have. What a wonderful font of information Google is for people who dont know the meaning of the word font and arent interested in getting any information!

Now you may think, All right, when Google reports that men can do what they could only do in an alternative universe where words have no meaning and Google is a font of information, perhaps it would be true to say that Google has become a corrupt, politicized lie factory that replaced its original slogan of Dont Be Evil with the new slogan, Oh, what the hell, lets be so Evil that even the word Evil will not be able to contain the Evil that is Google-level Evil. But what about the rest of the response that says menstruation can occur in non-binary people, and agender people, and people with genders other than male and female and unicorns and brobdignags and cooley-booley-oolios and saka-dela-reekios and chuga-booga-naga-dooba-dees and other non-existent creatures I just invented? Wouldnt it be a happier world if every single phantom that populates the fever dreams of woke insipidity could enjoy the same monthly bleeding, cramps, bloating, and irritability that were hitherto reserved only for those women so privileged they get to spend three days a month curled up on the sofa when theyd much rather be rampaging through Google headquarters with a butcher knife cutting out the beating heart of every single mother-jumping moronic son-of-a-b****itch who thinks its cool to say men can menstruate?

And sure, maybe the non-existent creatures of Googles imaginary menagerie, can not only menstruate but are much less annoying than menstruating women because menstruating women have the disadvantage of actually existing when they menstruate, which is no walk in the park, or at least so Im told. Still, you would think a corporation whose only purpose is to give you ready access to honest information so they can steal your personal browsing habits and sell them to other soulless corporate entities would at least create an algorithm that gives you ready access to honest information instead of lying to you about whats between your legs when a simple lowering of your chin will reveal to you that it isnt between your legs and even if, through some act of surgical barbarism, it were between your legs, it wouldnt be.

Now some of you may be thinking, Gee, Klavan, you sound pretty irritable about this. Maybe its your time of the month. And all I can say is: if menstruating is anywhere near as irritating as being lied to by a bunch of flabby-souled corporate jerkwads like the people at Google, Im glad Im a man and can use Duck Duck Go.

Andrew Klavan is the host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire. He is an award-winning novelist, Hollywood screenwriter, and popular satirist. Klavan isthe author of When Christmas Comes and Strange Habit of Mind, the first two novels in the USA Today best-selling Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, The House of Love and Death, releases on October 31, 2023, and is now available forPre-order.

Follow Klavan on Twitter:@andrewklavan

This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of The Andrew Klavan Show.

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

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‘I don’t regret anything,’ smiling ISIS militant on death row tells Sky News

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'I don't regret anything,' smiling ISIS militant on death row tells Sky News

Blindfolded and under armed guard, a captured ISIS fighter is brought before us.

When the blindfold is removed, he doesn’t look surprised to see a camera crew and several counterterrorism officers, one of whom interrogated him when he was first caught.

The 24-year-old militant is on death row in Somalia awaiting execution by firing squad, having been accused of being an ISIS commander, as well as a sniper and a member of a two-man bomb squad.

We’ve been given extremely rare access to speak to him and another ISIS recruit in a secure location in Puntland, the semi-autonomous region of northern Somalia where the terror group has been seizing territory and ruling over terrified communities.

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US and Somali commanders say ISIS is running its global headquarters in Puntland’s caves, financing its activities worldwide.

Muthar Hamid Qaayid is from Yemen and came to Somalia via a sea route where we’ve witnessed how challenging it is to halt the flow of militant travellers.

He insists he wasn’t an active participant in the two-man bomb squad – and seems entirely unbothered about the situation he now finds himself in.

“I didn’t press the button,” he says. “I just looked. The other man made the bomb and set it off. I didn’t come here to kill Muslims.”

His partner blew himself up as he was planting the bomb in Bosaso city centre and realised he had been discovered.

Officers believe he detonated it prematurely.

The man in front of us was injured, and we are told he had incriminating bomb-making equipment with him.

I ask him if he has regrets about his involvement and joining the militant group.

“I don’t regret anything,” he says, smiling. “Even if you take me out of the room now and execute me, I don’t regret anything.” Again, another smile.

“If they shoot me or hang me, I don’t mind. In the end, I don’t care.”

Tellingly, he says his family does not like ISIS. “If they found me here, they’d be upset,” he says.

Despite persistent questions, he doesn’t shift much. “I’m not thinking,” he insists. “There’s nothing. I’m just waiting for death.”

The ISIS militant speaks to Sky's Alex Crawford
Image:
The ISIS militant speaks to Sky’s Alex Crawford

I ask if he’d heard of people being killed by the bombs he’s accused of planting.

“Yes, but they don’t kill all people,” he insists.

But what about killing anyone, I suggest, slightly puzzled.

“They don’t kill everyone,” he continues. There’s a pause. “Only infidels”.

Infidels is a term many recruits use to describe those who simply don’t agree with their strict interpretation of Sharia – that can include Muslims as well as other religions.

Officials show us multiple foreign passports recovered from ISIS cave hideouts in Puntland and from those they’ve captured or killed.

Passports seized from ISIS hideouts and fighters
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Passports seized from ISIS hideouts and fighters

There are passports for whole families from South Africa, including children, as well as ones from Germany, Saudi Arabia, Venezuela, and Bahrain.

There are also handfuls of IDs which show European faces.

Since a Puntland army offensive was launched last December, just five of the 600 ISIS fighters killed have been Somalis, says Mohamed Abdirahman Dhabancad, Puntland’s political affairs representative.

‘The main target was to rule the world’

The second prisoner brought before us is from Morocco and is much more talkative.

Usman Bukukar Bin Fuad insists he was duped by ISIS and says he only travelled to Somalia because he’d heard he could make money.

Usman Bukukar Bin Fuad claims he only dug caves for ISIS
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Usman Bukukar Bin Fuad claims he only dug caves for ISIS

“Instead, I ended up digging caves,” he says. “It was difficult to escape but when they told me to put on a suicide vest to kill Puntland forces, I said this is not what you told me I would be doing – and I escaped.”

He says he was given a weapon but never used it – a claim not believed by his captors.

“I never joined any fight,” he insists. “I had my weapon [AK47] but I just did normal duties taking supplies from location to location and following orders.”

He says he met the ISIS leader in Somalia, Abdul Qadir Mumin, several times.

“He used to visit all the ISIS camps and encourage them to fight.”

“And he’d reassure us all about going to heaven,” he adds.

It seems to lend credence to the belief that Mumin is still alive and operating – up until a few months ago anyway.

He says he was given training in sniping (which he didn’t finish) and map reading, which was interrupted when the Puntland military offensive began.

He says he travelled over from Ethiopia with six Moroccans, before meeting an Algerian recruit.

Fellow militants in the ISIS mountain stronghold were from countries including Tunisia, Libya, Tanzania, Kenya, Turkey, Argentina, Bangladesh, Sweden, and Iraq.

“The main target or focus was to rule the world,” he says. “Starting with this region as one of the gates to the world, then Ethiopia and the rest of the world.

“I heard so much talk about sending ISIS fighters to Bosaso, Ethiopia or Yemen. Sending people to other parts of the world and ruling the world was all part of the plan.”

The captives’ information has added to the belief that Puntland and Somalia is just the tip of a huge ISIS problem which is spreading and is able to cause terror in a range of ways.

Alex Crawford reports from Somalia with specialist producer Chris Cunningham and Richie Mockler. Photography by Chris Cunningham

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Israel begins first stages of Gaza City takeover operation – as UK condemns settlement plan

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Israel begins first stages of Gaza City takeover operation - as UK condemns settlement plan

Israel has said it has begun the first stages of its takeover of Gaza City – as the UK condemned the approval of plans for a new West Bank settlement.

Brigadier General Effie Defrin, Israel’s military spokesperson, said on Wednesday that “IDF forces are holding the outskirts of Gaza City” after preliminary operations to take the entire area.

An estimated 60,000 reserve soldiers have also been called up to help seize Gaza’s biggest urban centre, but will not report for duty until September, according to a military official.

Israeli troops are already operating in the Zeitoun neighbourhood of Gaza City, and the Jabaliya refugee camp in northern Gaza.

Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s war cabinet approved the plans last month, which include an eventual full security takeover of all of Gaza, despite growing international criticism that it will likely lead to the displacement of many more Palestinians.

He is said to have sped up the timeline for taking control of Hamas strongholds after both sides clashed near Khan Younis, south of Gaza City, on Wednesday.

Israel claims it will help any civilians evacuate before any assault begins.

Smoke rises in Gaza City after Israeli strikes. Pic: Reuters
Image:
Smoke rises in Gaza City after Israeli strikes. Pic: Reuters

Pic: Reuters
Image:
Pic: Reuters

Ceasefire proposal being considered

Israeli officials said they are also considering a new ceasefire proposal put forward by Qatar and Egypt.

The deal, which involves a 60-day ceasefire and the release of some of the remaining Israeli hostages and Palestinian prisoners, has already been accepted by Hamas.

Thousands of Israeli civilians have called for the government to accept a ceasefire and reverse its decision to take over Gaza City, but Mr Netanyahu is thought to be under pressure from some far-right members of his coalition to reject the deal and continue to pursue the annexation of the territory.

Relatives and supporters of hostages held by Hamas protest in Israel. Pic: AP
Image:
Relatives and supporters of hostages held by Hamas protest in Israel. Pic: AP

West Bank settlement plan approved

One of those is Bezalel Smotrich, Israel’s finance minister, who announced on Wednesday that a controversial plan for a settlement project in the occupied West Bank had been approved after they received the final go-ahead from Israel’s higher planning committee.

Mr Smotrich, an ultranationalist in the ruling right-wing coalition, said in a statement that the government was delivering with the settlement what it had promised for years: “The Palestinian state is being erased from the table, not with slogans but with actions.”

He said last week that the settlement would “finally bury the idea of a Palestinian state, because there is nothing to recognise and no one to recognise”.

Israeli Finance Minister Bezalel Smotrich shows the planned settlement on a map. Pic: Reuters/Ronen Zvulun
Image:
Israeli Finance Minister Bezalel Smotrich shows the planned settlement on a map. Pic: Reuters/Ronen Zvulun

‘A stake through the heart of two-state solution’

British Foreign Secretary David Lammy condemned the plan, saying it “would divide a Palestinian state in two”.

In a post on the X social media platform, Mr Lammy called the settlement in the West Bank “a flagrant breach of international law”, which “critically undermines the two-state solution”, and urged the Israeli government to reverse the decision.

The UN also condemned the decision, with spokesperson Stephane Dujarric saying that it “will drive a stake through the heart of the two-state solution”.

Read more:
Inside the conflict forcing Palestinians from their homes
The city where what was law now has no place in reality

David Lammy called the new West Bank settlement "a flagrant breach of international law". File pic: Reuters
Image:
David Lammy called the new West Bank settlement “a flagrant breach of international law”. File pic: Reuters

Where is the settlement?

The settlement is set to be built in E1, an open tract of land east of Jerusalem, and includes around 3,500 apartments to expand the existing settlement of Maale Adumim.

E1 has been eyed for Israeli development for more than two decades, but plans were halted due to pressure from the US during previous administrations.

A two-state solution to the decades-old Israeli-Palestinian conflict would see a Palestinian state in East Jerusalem, the West Bank and Gaza existing side by side with Israel.

A view of part of the Israeli settlement of Maale Adumim. Pic: Reuters/Ronen Zvulun
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A view of part of the Israeli settlement of Maale Adumim. Pic: Reuters/Ronen Zvulun

Today, an estimated 700,000 Israeli settlers live in the West Bank and East Jerusalem. There is also a growing movement of Israelis wanting to build settlements in Gaza.

Settlers make up around 5% of Israel’s population and 15% of the West Bank’s population, according to data from Peace Now.

Settlements are illegal under international law and have been condemned by the UN. They are, however, authorised by the Israeli government.

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Europe tried to starve Putin’s war machine with sanctions – but something else has happened

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Europe tried to starve Putin's war machine with sanctions - but something else has happened

Why is Donald Trump threatening to impose sanctions, or tariffs, or maybe both, on India in relation to the Ukraine war?

The short answer is that India has established itself as one of the single most important customers for one of the single most important products made in Russia: crude oil. You only have to glance at the data on Russian fossil fuel exports to see what I mean.

Nor is it just India. China has raised its imports of Russian fossil fuels by 44% since the imposition of sanctions.

Back before the invasion of Ukraine in 2022, by far and away the biggest recipient of Russian energy exports was Europe.

Then Europe imposed sanctions on various different Russian products, most notably oil. The idea was to starve Vladimir Putin of the revenues he is using to fund the Russian war machine.

Instead, something else happened: those Russian tankers which previously delivered oil to Europe instead started sending it to Indian oil refineries. The Middle Eastern oil tankers that had previously served those Russian refineries began sending their oil to Europe. Nothing, fundamentally, really changed.

And while Europeans are no longer taking direct shipments of Russian oil, they are taking plenty of shipments of oil products – from diesel and petrol to kerosene – made from Russian oil in Indian refineries.

In the face of this, Europe and its G7 allies have subsequently begun to try to prevent those tankers from taking Russian oil at all.

A price cap was imposed on legitimate shipping companies, limiting the amount of revenue Russia could derive from its exports. That, in turn, created another step-shift: Russia began to build up its own “shadow fleet” of tankers which it used to carry on sending oil to India and China.

Suspected 'shadow fleet' ship the Eventin was seized in March by German authorities. Pic: AP
Image:
Suspected ‘shadow fleet’ ship the Eventin was seized in March by German authorities. Pic: AP

And so, in the latest episode of sanctions “whack-a-mole”, the G7 has begun to implement a separate round of bans on that shadow fleet.

Now, the point is not that any of these measures were pointless. Each has made a marginal difference in clamping down on Russia and limiting its revenues. But the whole exercise has proved far harder than expected.

Read more from Sky News:
Key moments revealing Putin’s hold on Trump
Trump sets red line on Ukraine peace deal support

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All of which is why Donald Trump is now talking about raising tariffs or imposing sanctions on India. He has discussed imposing secondary sanctions on countries continuing to do business with Russia.

For all that he is being painted as one of Vladimir Putin’s closest allies, in reality, these are dramatic economic levers that even Joe Biden stopped short of pulling.

The question is whether they do indeed get activated – and what happens next in the game of sanctions “whack-a-mole”.

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