Whenever November comes along, American political observers turn their minds to the upcoming elections because they cant just sit in the corner sobbing all the time, its unseemly.
As things stand now, Democrats are fearful that their election chances may suffer somewhat from the fact that their policies have led to two major wars, surrendered our borders to Mexican cartels, and turned our salaries to dust that was blown away on the winds of inflation into a vast expanse of insubstantial nothingness that used to be our rent and groceries. As DNC Chairman Mao Tse Jihad told CNN anchorwoman Vladimir Jihad no relation Were concerned that our disastrous policies may have alienated some of our core voters, like dead people, unassigned social security numbers, and bicycle riders with bags filled with mail-in votes from former residents who moved away years ago and are now voting in other states. Without those constituencies were not sure well be able to garner enough self-righteous white women who dont know anything but feel good when they vote for us for no discernible reason.
To counter the actual effects of their policies, Democrats are hoping to fashion an electoral majority out of voters who stick their ice cream cones into their foreheads because theyre too stupid to find their mouths. Political consultants are experimenting with slogans that appeal to the Democrat base like, Vote Democrat. The Country is still standing. Help us finish the job. Or Extreme Maga Republicans want to stop you from slaughtering your unborn children, but we wont let them, because were evil, like you.
Consultants are also hoping Joe Bidens primary campaign will help lift local candidates. Theyve already filmed one candid campaign commercial in which Biden looks directly into the camera and speaks off the cuff with great sincerity, saying, Im Joe Biden. Hebda meena babba-dabba-loo norvis catumin, then he falls on his face. In another commercial, the president is shown gazing off into the distance with a waving American flag superimposed over his image as he speaks in voiceover saying, My fellow Americans, where am I? And why is that transparent flag waving on my face? And where am I? If those commercials dont test well, the campaign may simply go with a bold slogan like: Joe Biden. Theres absolutely no proof hes doing what hes doing.
On the Republican side, middle-of-the-road GOP consultants and other nostalgic onanists are desperately trying to make Nikki Haley into a thing so she can use a win in the Iowa caucuses as a launchpad to hosting a late night talk show on OAN. These strategists are hoping that Florida governor Ron DeSantis will leave the race so Nikki can combine his 16% support with her 16% support which would add up to 16% support since her 16% support is completely imaginary. Haleys campaign slogan would be, Nikki Haley! Lets just pretend this whole Trump thing never happened.
More realistic Republicans are looking at frontrunner Donald Trump and trying to find ways to expand his support beyond those voters who can stand him. One strategy is to have GOP operatives pose as Democrat protestors at Trump rallies, only instead of calling Trump literally Hitler, theyll call him literally Hamas, since it means exactly the same thing except Democrats would then vote for him.
Strategists are also preparing for the likelihood that Trump may be convicted in one of the many trials charging him with being simultaneously obnoxious and right about everything. If Trump should win the election and be forced to run his presidency from prison, advisors are hoping he might use his reality TV expertise to stage crowd pleasing events like a riot between the Black Vanguard and the Aryan Brotherhood in which the survivor becomes his chief of staff. This would be an improvement over Trumps former chiefs of staff, because at least prison gang members dont rat on you. Such events would be interspersed with commercials in which prisoners who have dirt on the Clintons are put in solitary confinement on 24-hour-suicide watch yet still somehow manage to hang themselves with Giza Dream Sheets made with 100% long staple cotton. Use code Dont Mess With Hillary for a 40% chance of disappearing without a trace.
Andrew Klavan is the host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire. He is an award-winning novelist, Hollywood screenwriter, and popular satirist. Klavan isthe author of When Christmas Comes and When Christmas Comes the first two novels in the USA Today best-selling Cameron Winter Mystery series.
The third installment, The House of Love and Death, is now available!
Follow Klavan on Twitter:@andrewklavan
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of The Andrew Klavan Show.
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
Volodymyr Zelenskyy has said the Ukrainian people “are truly thankful” for US support, hours after talks with Donald Trump descended into a row at the White House.
In a lengthy social media post, Mr Zelenskyy said: “I always begin with words of gratitude from our nation to the American nation”.
The Ukrainian president insisted the US-Ukraine relationship “is more than just two leaders” but it was “crucial” for his country to have Mr Trump’s support.
He added: “American people helped save our people. Humans and human rights come first. We’re truly thankful. We want only strong relations with America, and I really hope we will have them.”
X
This content is provided by X, which may be using cookies and other technologies.
To show you this content, we need your permission to use cookies.
You can use the buttons below to amend your preferences to enable X cookies or to allow those cookies just once.
You can change your settings at any time via the Privacy Options.
Unfortunately we have been unable to verify if you have consented to X cookies.
To view this content you can use the button below to allow X cookies for this session only.
Mr Zelenskyy will meet Sir Keir Starmer in Downing Street on Saturday afternoon after his plane landed at Stansted Airport.
It comes ahead of a major summit hosted by the UK prime minister on Sunday, where more than a dozen European and EU leaders including Mr Zelenskyy will meet to discuss the Ukraine war and security.
Please use Chrome browser for a more accessible video player
0:28
Zelenskyy’s plane lands in UK
The Ukrainian president had travelled to Washington DC to attempt to secure a ceasefire agreement after three years of war with Russia and a possible mineral deal with the US.
The meeting descended into a shouting match in front of cameras and journalists.
Please use Chrome browser for a more accessible video player
10:47
Watch Trump and Zelenskyy clash
Mr Vance told Mr Zelenskyy: “I think it’s disrespectful for you to come to the Oval Office to try to litigate this in front of the American media.
“You should be thanking the President [Trump] for trying to bring an end to this conflict.”
Image: Mr Zelenskyy and Mr Trump clash. Pics: Reuters
‘You’re gambling with World War Three’
The Ukrainian president tried to object but Mr Trump spoke over him and told him: “You’re gambling with the lives of millions of people.
“You’re gambling with World War Three, and what you’re doing is very disrespectful to the country, this country that’s backed you far more than a lot of people say they should have.”
Mr Zelenskyy defended himself and his country, openly challenging Mr Trump on his softer approach to Vladimir Putin and urging him to make “no compromises with a killer”.
Tonight’s BRIT Awards are shaping up to be a big night for female British artists, including Charli XCX and Dua Lipa.
The ceremony, which is taking place at London’s O2 Arena, will see artists who are currently dominating the charts come together to celebrate the best in popular music.
Leading nominations with five nods is Charli XCX, whose sixth album Brat was a viral hit last year.
Dua Lipa closely follows with four nominations – along with 2024 rising star winners The Last Dinner Party, and 2023 Mercury Prize winners Ezra Collective.
It will be his first time at the helm in four years, but fifth in total, after taking on the role for four consecutive years from 2018 to 2021.
Image: Host Jack Whitehall. Pic: John Marshall/JMEnternational
There are 16 categories for awards this year, including the big one – album of the year.
In the running for this is Charli XCX – BRAT, The Cure – Songs Of A Lost World, Dua Lipa – Radical Optimism, Ezra Collective – Dance, No One’s Watching and The Last Dinner Party – Prelude to Ecstasy.
Other awards up for grabs include: Artist of the year, group of the year, best new artist, song of the year, international artist of the year, international group of the year, international song of the year, alternative rock act, hip-hop/grime/rap act, dance act, pop act and R&B act.
Last year’s ceremony saw singer-songwriter Raye dominating, with a record number of six wins including a clean sweep of the big three; best artist, best song and best album.
This year, the trophy that winners will pick up on the night has been designed by artist Gabriel Moses.
Image: This year’s Brit Award trophy designed by Gabriel Moses. Pic: Brit Awards
Who is nominated?
Before the awards have even begun, Charli XCX has been announced as the winner of this year’s songwriter of the year award.
Also recognised is her longtime collaborator AG Cook, winning BRITs producer of the year, reflecting the combined impact he and Charli XCX have had on music over the last 12 months.
The singer – whose real name is Charlotte Aitchison – could still pick up another five awards tonight including: pop act, dance act, song of the year, artist of the year and album of the year.
Behind Charli XCX, this year also sees The Beatles pick up a nomination for the song Now And Then.
Please use Chrome browser for a more accessible video player
1:01
The Brits go brat: 2025 nominations revealed
The Cure are also back with three nominations – following the release of their 14th album, Songs Of A Lost World, in 2024.
International artists such as Beyonce, Billie Eilish, Taylor Swift, Benson Boone, Chappell Roan and Kendrick Lamar have also all got nods, as well as homegrown talent such as Central Cee, Fred again.., Sam Fender and former Little Mix star JADE.
Image: Dua Lipa is nominated for four awards. Pic: Oscar Douglas
Sabrina Carpenter will become the first international artist to receive the global success award after breaking records in the UK charts.
The pop star held the top spot on the Official UK Charts for a combined 21 weeks in 2024, the first artist to do so in 71 years.
Image: Sabrina Carpenter at the Grammys. Pic: AP/Chris Pizzello
Her mega-hits Taste, Please Please Please and Espresso held the top three spots simultaneously, making her the first female artist to do so.
Already named as this year’s rising star is British singer-songwriter Myles Smith, whose single Stargazing became one of the UK’s biggest hits of 2024.
You can read the full list of nominations ahead of tonight, right here.
Image: The Cure. Pic: Andy Vella
Who is performing?
Taking to the stage at this year’s ceremony is a mix of UK and US artists including Sam Fender, JADE, Teddy Swims and Myles Smith.
Off the back of winning the award for global success, Sabrina Carpenter, will also treat audiences to a performance.
It comes after Carpenter’s slapstick comedy mashup performance at the Grammy’s was dubbed “iconic” by fans.
Image: The Last Dinner Party will take to the stage to perform. Pic: Brit Awards
It is the first year American artists Shaboozey, known for A Bar Song (Tipsy) and Teddy Swims, known for Lose Control, will also perform at the awards.
“I’m beyond grateful and humbled to not only be nominated for a BRIT Award but to take the stage,” Shaboozey said.
“This past year has been huge for me with my records getting love from all over the world and now I can celebrate with my friends and fans in London.”
Image: Myles Smith is this year’s Brit Awards rising star winner. Pic: JM Enternational
Meanwhile, JADE, whose real name is Jade Thirlwall, said she “manifested” performing at the BRITs every day since the release of her debut solo single Angel Of My Dreams last year.
The singer already has three BRIT Awards to her name, winning best British single for Shout Out To My Ex, video of the year for Woman Like Me and best British group with Little Mix, but is nominated this year as a solo artist in the song of the year and pop act categories.
Image: Former Little Mix star JADE. Pic: Flore Barbay
Also performing on the night are Lola Young – who is nominated for best pop act – and The Last Dinner Party, who won the BRITs rising star award last year.
How to watch
Live coverage of the BRITs will start on ITV and ITVX from 8.15pm tonight.
You can also follow along with all the latest from the red carpet and ceremony on Sky News and our dedicated live blog.
For those outside the UK, the show is available to watch internationally on the BRITs YouTube channel.