Connect with us

Published

on

Whenever November comes along, American political observers turn their minds to the upcoming elections because they cant just sit in the corner sobbing all the time, its unseemly.

As things stand now, Democrats are fearful that their election chances may suffer somewhat from the fact that their policies have led to two major wars, surrendered our borders to Mexican cartels, and turned our salaries to dust that was blown away on the winds of inflation into a vast expanse of insubstantial nothingness that used to be our rent and groceries. As DNC Chairman Mao Tse Jihad told CNN anchorwoman Vladimir Jihad no relation Were concerned that our disastrous policies may have alienated some of our core voters, like dead people, unassigned social security numbers, and bicycle riders with bags filled with mail-in votes from former residents who moved away years ago and are now voting in other states. Without those constituencies were not sure well be able to garner enough self-righteous white women who dont know anything but feel good when they vote for us for no discernible reason.

To counter the actual effects of their policies, Democrats are hoping to fashion an electoral majority out of voters who stick their ice cream cones into their foreheads because theyre too stupid to find their mouths. Political consultants are experimenting with slogans that appeal to the Democrat base like, Vote Democrat. The Country is still standing. Help us finish the job. Or Extreme Maga Republicans want to stop you from slaughtering your unborn children, but we wont let them, because were evil, like you.

Consultants are also hoping Joe Bidens primary campaign will help lift local candidates. Theyve already filmed one candid campaign commercial in which Biden looks directly into the camera and speaks off the cuff with great sincerity, saying, Im Joe Biden. Hebda meena babba-dabba-loo norvis catumin, then he falls on his face. In another commercial, the president is shown gazing off into the distance with a waving American flag superimposed over his image as he speaks in voiceover saying, My fellow Americans, where am I? And why is that transparent flag waving on my face? And where am I? If those commercials dont test well, the campaign may simply go with a bold slogan like: Joe Biden. Theres absolutely no proof hes doing what hes doing.

On the Republican side, middle-of-the-road GOP consultants and other nostalgic onanists are desperately trying to make Nikki Haley into a thing so she can use a win in the Iowa caucuses as a launchpad to hosting a late night talk show on OAN. These strategists are hoping that Florida governor Ron DeSantis will leave the race so Nikki can combine his 16% support with her 16% support which would add up to 16% support since her 16% support is completely imaginary. Haleys campaign slogan would be, Nikki Haley! Lets just pretend this whole Trump thing never happened.

More realistic Republicans are looking at frontrunner Donald Trump and trying to find ways to expand his support beyond those voters who can stand him. One strategy is to have GOP operatives pose as Democrat protestors at Trump rallies, only instead of calling Trump literally Hitler, theyll call him literally Hamas, since it means exactly the same thing except Democrats would then vote for him.

Strategists are also preparing for the likelihood that Trump may be convicted in one of the many trials charging him with being simultaneously obnoxious and right about everything. If Trump should win the election and be forced to run his presidency from prison, advisors are hoping he might use his reality TV expertise to stage crowd pleasing events like a riot between the Black Vanguard and the Aryan Brotherhood in which the survivor becomes his chief of staff. This would be an improvement over Trumps former chiefs of staff, because at least prison gang members dont rat on you. Such events would be interspersed with commercials in which prisoners who have dirt on the Clintons are put in solitary confinement on 24-hour-suicide watch yet still somehow manage to hang themselves with Giza Dream Sheets made with 100% long staple cotton. Use code Dont Mess With Hillary for a 40% chance of disappearing without a trace.

Andrew Klavan is the host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire. He is an award-winning novelist, Hollywood screenwriter, and popular satirist. Klavan isthe author of When Christmas Comes and When Christmas Comes the first two novels in the USA Today best-selling Cameron Winter Mystery series.

The third installment, The House of Love and Death, is now available!

Follow Klavan on Twitter:@andrewklavan

This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of The Andrew Klavan Show.

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

Continue Reading

Sports

Hamlin, awaiting son’s birth, wins at Michigan

Published

on

By

Hamlin, awaiting son's birth, wins at Michigan

BROOKLYN, Mich. – Denny Hamlin is pulling off quite a juggling act.

Hamlin outlasted the competition at Michigan International Speedway for his third NASCAR Cup Series victory of the season and 57th of his career, juggling his roles as a driver, expectant father and co-owner of a racing team that’s suing NASCAR.

“The tackle box is full,” Hamlin said Sunday. “There’s all kinds of stuff going on.”

Hamlin, in the No. 11 Toyota, went low to pass William Byron on the 197th of 200 laps and pulled away from the pack to win by more than a second over Chris Buescher.

“Just worked over the guys one by one, giving them different looks,” he said.

Ty Gibbs finished third, matching a season best, followed by Bubba Wallace and Kyle Larson.

The 44-year-old Hamlin was prepared to leave his team to join his fiancée, Jordan Fish, who is due to give birth to their third child, a boy. If she was in labor by Lap 50 or sooner at Michigan, he was prepared to leave the track.

Hamlin said he would skip next week’s race in Mexico City if necessary to witness the birth.

To add something else to Hamlin’s plate, he is also co-owner of 23XI Racing with Michael Jordan, which is involved in a lawsuit against NASCAR.

He drives for Joe Gibbs Racing, which hadn’t won at Michigan in a decade.

“I think it’s the most underrated track that we go to,” said Hamlin, who has won three times on the 2-mile oval.

Hamlin became JGR’s winningest driver, surpassing Kyle Busch‘s 56 victories, and the 10th driver in NASCAR history to win after his 700th start.

“It feels good because I’m going to hate it when I’m not at the level I’m at now,” he said. “I will certainly retire very quicky after that.”

Hamlin’s team set him up with enough fuel to win while many drivers, including Byron, ran out of gas late in the race.

“It really stings,” said Byron, the points leader, who was a season-worst 28th. “We just burned more (fuel) and not able to do much about that.”

Hamlin, meanwhile, wasn’t on empty until his celebratory burnout was cut short.

Pole-sitter Chase Briscoe was out front until Byron passed him on Lap 12. Buescher pulled ahead on Lap 36 and stayed up front to win his first stage this season.

Ryan Blaney and Chase Elliott took turns with the lead before a crash involving Alex Bowman brought out the red flag on Lap 67.

Byron took the lead again after a restart on Lap 78 as part of his strong start and surged to the front again to win the second stage.

Carson Hocevar took the lead on Lap 152 and was informed soon thereafter that he didn’t have enough fuel to finish, but that became moot because a flat tire forced him into the pits with 18 laps to go.

Hocevar faded to a 29th-place finish, a week after he was second to match a career best at Nashville, where he created a buzz with an aggressive move that knocked Ricky Stenhouse Jr. out of the race.

Rough times for Bowman

Bowman hit a wall with the front end of his No. 48 Chevrolet as part of a multi-car crash in his latest setback.

“That hurt a lot,” he said after passing a medical evaluation. “That was probably top of the board on hits I’ve taken.”

Bowman, who drives for Hendrick Motorsports, came to Michigan 12th in points and will leave lower in the standings. He has finished 27th or worse in seven of his last nine starts and didn’t finish for a third time during the tough stretch.

Reddick rallies

Defending race champion Tyler Reddick qualified 12th, but started last in the 36-car field because of unapproved adjustments and rallied to finish 13th.

Up next

NASCAR shifts to Mexico City for its first points-paying international race in modern history on June 15.

Continue Reading

Sports

Skenes pitches another gem, again without win

Published

on

By

Skenes pitches another gem, again without win

PITTSBURGH — Paul Skenes is in a routine.

Pitch deep into a game. Allow a single run, if that. Walk away without a win.

That didn’t change Sunday. The 23-year-old Pittsburgh Pirates ace worked 7⅔ innings against the Philadelphia Phillies, giving up one unearned run on two hits with seven strikeouts and one walk. He was pulled with the game tied 1-all.

Skenes remained 4-6 in his sophomore season despite lowering his ERA to 1.88, second best in the National League behind the New York MetsKodai Senga (1.59).

This time, he didn’t mind the no-decision. Pittsburgh won 2-1, completing a three-game sweep and handing Philadelphia its fifth straight loss.

“I think we’ve been playing pretty good ball for a little bit now and either haven’t come out with [wins] or lost by a run or something like that in a few games,” Skenes said. “I’ve been happy with the baseball we’ve been playing. It’s nice to finally get some wins out of it, too. It’s easy to go on a losing streak, too, so we’ve just got to keep going.”

Skenes threw 97 pitches (62 strikes). He got through the first two batters of the eighth on four pitches before manager Don Kelly signaled for rookie right-hander Braxton Ashcraft, who entered as fans’ booing over the decision subsided.

“We felt like [Skenes] was done,” Kelly said. “He emptied the tank there that inning. Just felt like it was an opportunity to go to Ashcraft in that moment.

“Unbelievable. What can you say [about Skenes]? Just continued to fill up the strike zone, elite stuff. At the beginning, really sharp. Kind of in the middle, looked like it got it away from him. That’s just what he’s shown, that he’s able to dial it back in and just dominate the strike zone. He was unbelievable again today.”

Ashcraft picked up his first win in the majors after Andrew McCutchen hit a go-ahead, broken-bat single in the eighth.

The 25-year-old started with a walk of Brandon Marsh but recovered by getting Rafael Marchan to ground out to second. Returning for the ninth, he forced Alec Bohm into a game-ending double play as rain began to pour.

“It means a lot after somebody puts up a really good outing,” Ashcraft said. “[Skenes] has done that consistently this year. It means a lot to us, as a team, to be able to go out and get him that win. He didn’t get the win. I got the win. But, I mean, he got it just as much as I did.”

It was nothing out of the ordinary. Skenes gave up one run on three hits with eight strikeouts in eight innings against the Houston Astros on Tuesday in his previous outing, but the Pirates lost 3-0.

Skenes is 1-4 in his past eight starts, even though he has given up just five runs in 42⅓ innings over his past six. Pittsburgh has averaged 3.35 runs in his 14 starts and he is 0-2 in three games where he has gone into the eighth, despite allowing three runs total (two earned).

Cristopher Sanchez nearly matched Skenes on Sunday, giving up two runs and striking out nine in seven innings.

Dueling with another starter is fine with Skenes, but he doesn’t mind the alternative.

“It’s fun,” Skenes said. “Pitching in 10-0 games is fun, too.”

Continue Reading

Sports

Royals’ Caglianone goes 4-for-4 after slow start

Published

on

By

Royals' Caglianone goes 4-for-4 after slow start

CHICAGO — So much for that slow start for Jac Caglianone.

The sweet-swinging slugger went 4-for-4 on Sunday, helping the Kansas City Royals to a 7-5 victory over the Chicago White Sox. The perfect afternoon at the plate arrived after he went 2-for-21 in his first five games in the major leagues.

“A huge thanks to all the guys out here in the locker room,” Caglianone said. “They were very supportive through it all. Hitting balls hard, not really much to show for it. Thankfully, they found some grass today.”

Caglianone lined a single to center in the first inning. He doubled in the fourth, recording a 113.6 mph exit velocity on his drive into the gap in right-center. He singled again in the sixth and in the eighth.

“Jac’s had 20 at-bats, and he’s squared a bunch of balls up in those 20,” manager Matt Quatraro said. “Today he got rewarded for it.”

Caglianone, 22, was selected by Kansas City with the No. 6 pick in the 2024 amateur draft out of the University of Florida. The outfielder/first baseman batted .322 with 15 homers and 56 RBIs over two minor league stops before he was promoted by the Royals last week.

Caglianone made his major league debut Tuesday at St. Louis and went 0-for-5 in a 10-7 victory over the Cardinals. He hit a drive to right-center in his first at-bat, but center fielder Victor Scott II made a running catch just steps away from the outfield wall.

He got his first two hits when he doubled in a run in the opener of a doubleheader against St. Louis on Thursday and singled against the White Sox on Saturday.

“I can’t wait to see what that guy’s going to do in the big leagues,” catcher Salvador Perez said. “He’s one of the best. That’s a big dude, too, so I think he’s going to do well.”

Caglianone, listed at 6-foot-5 and 250 pounds, is being helped along by Perez and the rest of the Royals. Shortstop Bobby Witt Jr. has been trying to give him a new rule every day.

On Saturday, it was “Have two of everything,” Caglianone said.

“When you go and travel, so you can just kind of have a bag ready,” he continued. “I never thought of that. It’s more off-the-field stuff than it is on the field.”

Caglianone could make his home debut as soon as Tuesday night, when the Royals host the New York Yankees in the opener of a three-game series.

“I’m super fired up. I think I’m more excited for that than I was for the actual debut itself,” he said. “I have a lot of family and friends coming to that, so I’m excited to see them, and I’m excited to see all the fans at [Kauffman Stadium].”

Continue Reading

Trending