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Whenever November comes along, American political observers turn their minds to the upcoming elections because they cant just sit in the corner sobbing all the time, its unseemly.

As things stand now, Democrats are fearful that their election chances may suffer somewhat from the fact that their policies have led to two major wars, surrendered our borders to Mexican cartels, and turned our salaries to dust that was blown away on the winds of inflation into a vast expanse of insubstantial nothingness that used to be our rent and groceries. As DNC Chairman Mao Tse Jihad told CNN anchorwoman Vladimir Jihad no relation Were concerned that our disastrous policies may have alienated some of our core voters, like dead people, unassigned social security numbers, and bicycle riders with bags filled with mail-in votes from former residents who moved away years ago and are now voting in other states. Without those constituencies were not sure well be able to garner enough self-righteous white women who dont know anything but feel good when they vote for us for no discernible reason.

To counter the actual effects of their policies, Democrats are hoping to fashion an electoral majority out of voters who stick their ice cream cones into their foreheads because theyre too stupid to find their mouths. Political consultants are experimenting with slogans that appeal to the Democrat base like, Vote Democrat. The Country is still standing. Help us finish the job. Or Extreme Maga Republicans want to stop you from slaughtering your unborn children, but we wont let them, because were evil, like you.

Consultants are also hoping Joe Bidens primary campaign will help lift local candidates. Theyve already filmed one candid campaign commercial in which Biden looks directly into the camera and speaks off the cuff with great sincerity, saying, Im Joe Biden. Hebda meena babba-dabba-loo norvis catumin, then he falls on his face. In another commercial, the president is shown gazing off into the distance with a waving American flag superimposed over his image as he speaks in voiceover saying, My fellow Americans, where am I? And why is that transparent flag waving on my face? And where am I? If those commercials dont test well, the campaign may simply go with a bold slogan like: Joe Biden. Theres absolutely no proof hes doing what hes doing.

On the Republican side, middle-of-the-road GOP consultants and other nostalgic onanists are desperately trying to make Nikki Haley into a thing so she can use a win in the Iowa caucuses as a launchpad to hosting a late night talk show on OAN. These strategists are hoping that Florida governor Ron DeSantis will leave the race so Nikki can combine his 16% support with her 16% support which would add up to 16% support since her 16% support is completely imaginary. Haleys campaign slogan would be, Nikki Haley! Lets just pretend this whole Trump thing never happened.

More realistic Republicans are looking at frontrunner Donald Trump and trying to find ways to expand his support beyond those voters who can stand him. One strategy is to have GOP operatives pose as Democrat protestors at Trump rallies, only instead of calling Trump literally Hitler, theyll call him literally Hamas, since it means exactly the same thing except Democrats would then vote for him.

Strategists are also preparing for the likelihood that Trump may be convicted in one of the many trials charging him with being simultaneously obnoxious and right about everything. If Trump should win the election and be forced to run his presidency from prison, advisors are hoping he might use his reality TV expertise to stage crowd pleasing events like a riot between the Black Vanguard and the Aryan Brotherhood in which the survivor becomes his chief of staff. This would be an improvement over Trumps former chiefs of staff, because at least prison gang members dont rat on you. Such events would be interspersed with commercials in which prisoners who have dirt on the Clintons are put in solitary confinement on 24-hour-suicide watch yet still somehow manage to hang themselves with Giza Dream Sheets made with 100% long staple cotton. Use code Dont Mess With Hillary for a 40% chance of disappearing without a trace.

Andrew Klavan is the host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire. He is an award-winning novelist, Hollywood screenwriter, and popular satirist. Klavan isthe author of When Christmas Comes and When Christmas Comes the first two novels in the USA Today best-selling Cameron Winter Mystery series.

The third installment, The House of Love and Death, is now available!

Follow Klavan on Twitter:@andrewklavan

This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of The Andrew Klavan Show.

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

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Israeli soldier describes arbitrary killing of civilians in Gaza

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Israeli soldier describes arbitrary killing of civilians in Gaza

An Israeli reservist who served three tours of duty in Gaza has told Sky News in a rare on-camera interview that his unit was often ordered to shoot anyone entering areas soldiers defined as no-go zones, regardless of whether they posed a threat, a practice he says left civilians dead where they fell.

“We have a territory that we are in, and the commands are: everyone that comes inside needs to die,” he said. “If they’re inside, they’re dangerous you need to kill them. No matter who it is,” he said.

Speaking anonymously, the soldier said troops killed civilians arbitrarily. He described the rules of engagement as unclear, with orders to open fire shifting constantly depending on the commander.

The soldier is a reservist in the Israel Defence Force’s 252nd Division. He was posted twice to the Netzarim corridor; a narrow strip of land cut through central Gaza early in the war, running from the sea to the Israeli border. It was designed to split the territory and allow Israeli forces to have greater control from inside the Strip.

He said that when his unit was stationed on the edge of a civilian area, soldiers slept in a house belonging to displaced Palestinians and marked an invisible boundary around it that defined a no-go zone for Gazans.

“In one of the houses that we had been in, we had the big territory. This was the closest to the citizens’ neighbourhood, with people inside. And there’s an imaginary line that they tell us all the Gazan people know it, and that they know they are not allowed to pass it,” he said. “But how can they know?”

People who crossed into this area were most often shot, he said.

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“It was like pretty much everyone that comes into the territory, and it might be like a teenager riding his bicycle,” he said.

IDF whistleblower
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The soldier is seen in Gaza. Photos are courtesy of the interviewed soldier, who requested anonymity

The soldier described a prevailing belief among troops that all Gazans were terrorists, even when they were clearly unarmed civilians. This perception, he said, was not challenged and was often endorsed by commanders.

“They don’t really talk to you about civilians that may come to your place. Like I was in the Netzarim road, and they say if someone comes here, it means that he knows he shouldn’t be there, and if he still comes, it means he’s a terrorist,” he said.

“This is what they tell you. But I don’t really think it’s true. It’s just poor people, civilians that don’t really have too many choices.”

He said the rules of engagement shifted constantly, leaving civilians at the mercy of commanders’ discretion.

“They might be shot, they might be captured,” he said. “It really depends on the day, the mood of the commander.”

He recalled an occasion of a man crossing the boundary and being shot. When another man came later to the body, he too was shot.

Later the soldiers decided to capture people who approached the body. Hours after that, the order changed again, shoot everyone on sight who crosses the “imaginary line”.

IDF whistleblower
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The Israeli soldier during his on-camera interview with Sky News

At another time, his unit was positioned near the Shujaiya area of Gaza City. He described Palestinians scavenging scrap metal and solar panels from a building inside the so-called no-go zone.

“For sure, no terrorists there,” he said. “Every commander can choose for himself what he does. So it’s kind of like the Wild West. So, some commanders can really decide to do war crimes and bad things and don’t face the consequences of that.”

The soldier said many of his comrades believed there were no innocents in Gaza, citing the Hamas-led 7 October attack that killed around 1,200 people and saw 250 taken hostage. Dozens of hostages have since been freed or rescued by Israeli forces, while about 50 remain in captivity, including roughly 30 Israel believes are dead.

He recalled soldiers openly discussing the killings.

“They’d say: ‘Yeah, but these people didn’t do anything to prevent October 7, and they probably had fun when this was happening to us. So they deserve to die’.”

He added: “People don’t feel mercy for them.”

“I think a lot of them really felt like they were doing something good,” he said. “I think the core of it, that in their mind, these people aren’t innocent.”

IDF whistleblower
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The IDF soldier during one of his three tours in Gaza

In Israel, it is rare for soldiers to publicly criticise the IDF, which is seen as a unifying institution and a rite of passage for Jewish Israelis. Military service shapes identity and social standing, and those who speak out risk being ostracised.

The soldier said he did not want to be identified because he feared being branded a traitor or shunned by his community.

Still, he felt compelled to speak out.

“I kind of feel like I took part in something bad, and I need to counter it with something good that I do, by speaking out, because I am very troubled about what I took and still am taking part of, as a soldier and citizen in this country,” he said

“I think the war is… a very bad thing that is happening to us, and to the Palestinians, and I think it needs to be over,” he said.

He added: “I think in Israeli community, it’s very hard to criticise itself and its army. A lot of people don’t understand what they are agreeing to. They think the war needs to happen, and we need to bring the hostages back, but they don’t understand the consequences.

“I think a lot of people, if they knew exactly what’s happening, it wouldn’t go down very well for them, and they wouldn’t agree with it. I hope that by speaking of it, it can change how things are being done.”

IDF whistleblower
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The soldier is a reservist in the Israel Defence Force’s 252nd Division

We put the allegations of arbitrary killings in the Netzarim corridor to the Israeli military.

In a statement, the IDF said it “operates in strict accordance with its rules of engagement and international law, taking feasible precautions to mitigate civilian harm”.

“The IDF operates against military targets and objectives, and does not target civilians or civilian objects,” the statement continued.

The Israeli military added that “reports and complaints regarding the violation of international law by the IDF are transferred to the relevant authorities responsible for examining exceptional incidents that occurred during the war”.

On the specific allegations raised by the soldier interviewed, the IDF said it could not address them directly because “the necessary details were not provided to address the case mentioned in the query. Should additional information be received, it will be thoroughly examined.”

Read more:
What is the possible Gaza hostage and ceasefire deal?
Two security workers injured at Gaza aid site, group says
The man acting as backchannel for Hamas in US negotiations

The statement also mentioned the steps the military says it takes to minimise civilian casualties, including issuing evacuation warnings and advising people to temporarily leave areas of intense fighting.

“The areas designated for evacuation in the Gaza Strip are updated as needed. The IDF continuously informs the civilian population of any changes,” it said.

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At least 82 dead in Texas floods as search continues for 10 missing girls

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At least 82 dead in Texas floods as search continues for 10 missing girls

At least 82 people have died in flash flooding in Texas as the search continues for dozens still missing.

At least 41 people remain missing, including at least 10 girls and one councillor still unaccounted for from Camp Mystic in Kerr County, a Christian summer camp for girls along the Guadalupe River.

At Camp Mystic at least 27 people died, the camp confirmed in a statement to Sky’s US partner NBC News. It said it is working with local and state officials to try to locate those who remain missing.

“This tragedy has devastated us and our entire community. Our hearts are broken alongside the families that are enduring this tragedy, and we share their hope and prayers,” Camp Mystic added.

A man reacts while stopping on the road alongside Camp Mystic. Pic: AP/Julio Cortez
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A man helping with the search for missing campers reacts while stopping on the road near Camp Mystic. Pic: AP/Julio Cortez

Rescue workers are seen on land and a boat as they search for missing people near Camp Mystic. Pic: AP/Julio Cortez
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Rescue workers are seen on land and a boat as they search for missing people near Camp Mystic. Pic: AP/Julio Cortez

A person removes bedding from sleeping quarters at Camp Mystic. Pic: AP/Julio Cortez
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A person removes bedding from sleeping quarters at Camp Mystic. Pic: AP/Julio Cortez

The director of the camp, Dick Eastland, was among those killed in the floods. He died trying to save the campers “he so loved and cared for”, his grandson George said on social media.

Water burst from the banks of the Guadalupe River and began sweeping into Kerr County and other areas around 4am local time on Friday, killing at least 68 people, including at least 28 children and 40 adults.

In nearby Kendall County, two people have died. At least six people were killed in Travis County, while at least four people died in Burnet County. In both Williamson and Tom Green counties, at least one person has died.

More on Texas

US President Donald Trump has signed a “major disaster declaration” for Kerr County to ensure that rescuers get the resources they need.

Read more:
The victims and people missing that have been named so far
Generations of Texas elite in mourning over Camp Mystic tragedy

Why did deadly Texas floods catch people by surprise?

A map showing the Guadalupe River in Kerr County, which burst from heavy rain and caused flash flooding
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A map showing the Guadalupe River in Kerr County, which burst from heavy rain and caused flash flooding

Vehicles ride through a flooded road, following flash flooding, in Hunt, Texas. Pic: Reuters/Marco Bello
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Vehicles ride through a flooded road, following flash flooding, in Hunt, Texas. Pic: Reuters/Marco Bello

Officials ride a boat as they arrive to assist with a recovery effort at Camp Mystic. Pic: AP/Julio Cortez
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Officials ride a boat as they arrive to assist with a recovery effort at Camp Mystic. Pic: AP/Julio Cortez

Rescue crews have already saved hundreds of people and would work around the clock to find those still unaccounted for, Texas governor Greg Abbott pledged, adding that there were at least 41 people confirmed to be missing.

Mr Abbott asked relatives of people who may have been camping in Kerr County to contact local authorities, as it was difficult to know just who is missing due to the number of people who may have been camping in the area unofficially.

“There are people who are missing who are not on the ‘known confirmed missing’ because we do not know who they are,” he said at a news conference last night.

Meanwhile, police are collecting DNA from family members to help identify those who have died in the floods.

A military helicopter flies by over the Guadalupe River after a flash flood swept through the area. Pic: AP/Julio Cortez
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A military helicopter flies by over the Guadalupe River after a flash flood swept through the area. Pic: AP/Julio Cortez

A vehicle rests against vegetation near a cabin, following flash flooding, in Hunt, Texas. Pic: Reuters/Marco Bello
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A vehicle rests against vegetation near a cabin, following flash flooding, in Hunt, Texas. Pic: Reuters/Marco Bello

Colonel Freeman Martin, from the Texas Department of Public Safety, said there are several “unidentified” people at funeral homes, both adults and children.

The DNA collected from relatives was flown to the University of North Texas in Dallas.

“We will have rapid DNA in hours, not days, to get some closure and information back to those families,” Colonel Freeman Martin said.

He also said the death toll is certain to rise over the next few days.

A vehicle pulled from the water after the deadly flooding in Kerrville, Texas. Pic: Reuters/Sergio Flores
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A vehicle pulled from the water after the deadly flooding in Kerrville, Texas. Pic: Reuters/Sergio Flores

Rescuers paddle an inflatable boat as they search along a waterway following flash flooding, in Kerrville. Pic: Reuters/Marco Bello
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Rescuers paddle an inflatable boat as they search along a waterway following flash flooding, in Kerrville. Pic: Reuters/Marco Bello

This comes as Mr Abbott indicated that the danger wasn’t over yet either, as additional rounds of heavy rains lasting into Tuesday could produce more “rapid flash flooding events”, especially in places already saturated.

The governor urged drivers to be “extraordinarily cautious” for the next 48 hours due to the potential floods, as some people across Texas died when they were swept away in vehicles.

“Rising water on roads can occur very rapidly. You may think you can drive through it, only to find out when you’re in there that it is too late and you are getting swept away,” he said.

“You don’t need to get from point A to point B if you are going to risk your life,” he added, telling people to “turn around, don’t drown”.

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2025 MLB All-Star rosters: Biggest snubs and other takeaways

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2025 MLB All-Star rosters: Biggest snubs and other takeaways

The initial 2025 MLB All-Star Game rosters are out, the product of the collaborative process between fans, players and the league. How did this annual confab do?

We already know that injuries will prevent some of these selectees from appearing in Atlanta, and replacement choices will be announced in the coming days. By the end of this post-selection period, we’ll wind up with something like 70 to 75 All-Stars for this season.

These first-draft rosters contain 65 players, the odd number stemming from the decision to send Clayton Kershaw to the festivities as a “Legend” pick. First reaction: Baseball’s newest member of the 3,000 strikeout club has earned everything he gets.

Now, on to the nitpicking.


American League

Biggest oversight: Joe Ryan, Minnesota Twins

The Twins’ lone representative on the initial rosters is outfielder Byron Buxton, a worthy selection. Ryan (8-4, 2.76 ERA) fell into a group of similar performers including Kansas City’s Kris Bubic and the Texas duo of Jacob deGrom and Nathan Eovaldi. Bubic and deGrom made it, which is great, and Bubic in particular is quite a story.

But Ryan and Eovaldi didn’t make it, and both were probably a little more deserving that Seattle’s Bryan Woo, whose superficial numbers (8-4, 2.77) are very close to Ryan’s. But Woo plays in a more friendly pitching park, and the under-the-hood metrics favor Ryan.

The main takeaway: If this is the biggest discrepancy, the process worked well.

Second-biggest oversight: Many-way tie between several hitters

The every-team-gets-a-player rule, along with positional requirements, always knocks out worthy performers from teams with multiple candidates. Thus, a few picks on the position side might have gone differently.

The Rays are playing so well they probably deserve more than one player. Their most deserving pick made it — infielder Jonathan Aranda — along with veteran second baseman Brandon Lowe. Infielders such as J.P. Crawford (Seattle), Isaac Paredes (Houston) and Zach McKinstry (Detroit) had good cases to make it ahead of Lowe, whose power numbers (19 homers, 54 RBIs) swayed the players.

While acknowledging that Gunnar Henderson has had a disappointing season, I still think he deserved to be the Orioles’ default pick instead of Ryan O’Hearn. But the latter was selected as the AL’s starting DH by the fans, and Baltimore doesn’t deserve two players. It’s a great story that O’Hearn will be a first-time All-Star just a couple of weeks before his 32nd birthday.

Other thoughts

• The default White Sox selection is rookie starter Shane Smith, a Rule 5 pick from Milwaukee last winter. Smith is my lowest-rated player on the AL squad, but he has been consistently solid. Adrian Houser, an in-season pickup, has been great for Chicago and has arguably produced more value than Smith. But I like honoring the rookie who has been there the whole campaign.

• The Athletics’ Jacob Wilson was elected as a starter and is easily the most deserving player from that squad. I’m not sure I see a second pick there, but Brent Rooker made it as a DH. Rooker has been fine, but his spot could have gone to one of the overlooked hitters already mentioned, or perhaps Kansas City’s Maikel Garcia.

• Houston’s Jeremy Pena is a deserving choice and arguably should be the AL’s starter at shortstop instead of Wilson. Alas, he’s on the injured list, and though reports say he might soon resume baseball activities, it’s likely Pena will be replaced. Any of the above-mentioned overlooked hitters will do.

• As for the starters, the fans do a great job nowadays. I disagreed with them on a couple of spots, though. I would have gone with a keystone combo of Jazz Chisholm Jr. and Pena rather than Gleyber Torres and Wilson, but I’d have them all on the team. And I would have definitely started Buxton over Javier Baez in the outfield.


National League

Biggest oversight: Juan Soto, New York Mets

Not sure how this happens, but I’m guessing Soto is a victim of his own standards. Yes, he signed a contract for an unfathomable amount of money, and so far, he hasn’t reinvented the game as a member of the Mets. He has just been lower-end Juan Soto, which is still one of the best players in the sport. His OBP is, as ever, north of .400, he leads the league in walks and it sure seems as if Pete Alonso has very much enjoyed hitting behind him.

The All-Star Game was invented for players like Soto, and though you might leave out someone like him if he is having a truly poor season, that’s not the case here. It is kind of amazing that he didn’t make it, while MacKenzie Gore and James Wood — both part of the trade that sent Soto from Washington to San Diego — did. They deserve it, and you can make a strong argument that a third player the Nats picked up in the trade — CJ Abrams — does as well. But Soto deserves it too.

Finally, the Marlins’ most-deserving pick is outfielder Kyle Stowers, who indeed ended up as their default selection. But he probably ended up with Soto’s slot.

Second-biggest oversight: Andy Pages, Los Angeles Dodgers

It’s hard to overlook anyone on the Dodgers, but somehow Pages slipped through the cracks despite his fantastic all-around first half for the defending champs.

It was just a numbers game. I’ve got five NL outfielders rated ahead of Pages, and all but Soto made it, so no additional quibbles there. The fans voted in Ronald Acuna Jr. to start at his home ballpark. Having Acuna there in front of the fans in Atlanta makes sense. But he has played only half of the first half.

Other thoughts

• The shortstop position is loaded in the NL, but the only pure shortstops to make it were starter Francisco Lindor and Elly De La Cruz. Both are good selections, but the Phillies’ Trea Turner has been just as outstanding. Abrams and Arizona’s Geraldo Perdomo are also deserving. The position has been so good that the player with the most career value currently playing shortstop in the NL — Mookie Betts — barely merits a mention. Betts has had a subpar half, but who will be surprised if he’s topping this list by the end of the season?

• Both leagues had three pitching staff slots given to relievers. The group in the AL (Aroldis Chapman, Josh Hader and Andres Munoz) was much more clear-cut than the one in the NL, which ended up with the Giants’ Randy Rodriguez, the Mets’ Edwin Diaz and the Padres’ Jason Adam. It made sense to honor someone from San Diego’s dominant bullpen, and you could have flipped a coin to pick between Adam and Adrian Morejon.

• Picking these rosters while meeting all the requirements and needs for teams and positions is hard. I don’t have any real issue with the pitchers selected for the NL. One of them is Atlanta’s Chris Sale, who is on the IL and will have to be replaced. My pick would be Philadelphia’s Cristopher Sanchez (7-2, 2.68 ERA).

• And for the starting position players, Alonso should have gotten the nod over Freddie Freeman at first base, though it will be great to see Freeman’s reception when he takes the field in Atlanta. For that matter, the Cubs’ Michael Busch has had a better first half than Freeman at this point, though that became true only in the past few days, thanks to his explosion at Wrigley Field. I would have gone with Turner at short, but it’s close. And I’d have started Wood in place of Acuna.

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