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In the latest irrelevant political news, President and Venal Houseplant Joe Biden did not attend this weeks U.N. Climate Crisis Conference because hes been dead for six months and the whole climate thing is crap anyway. Making the announcement to what was either the White House Press Corps or a collection of animatronic Pirates of the Caribbean purchased at the Disney asset fire sale, presidential spokeswoman Karine Jean Identity Hire said, Speaking as a black lesbian woman, I want to assure you that this is a president who would be fully engaged in this important issue if he were fully engaged and this were an important issue. As it is, the pressing business of pulling the rug out from under our allies in Ukraine and Israel is commanding what would be all of his attention if he were paying attention, speaking as a black lesbian woman. The press corps responded by drunkenly chasing slave girls around the deck of a burning ship and repeatedly saying, Arrrr as usual.

The late houseplants failure to show up at the U.N. Conference was greeted with anger by climate activists and other suckers. Mentally ill Swedish Girl Greta Thunberg took time off from calling for the slaughter of Jews to protest the presidents irrelevant inaction in an impassioned speech delivered to a gathering of her hallucinations. Thunberg said, Im very disappointed in the presidents remains. He must address this completely invented issue quickly before it develops into a totally imaginary crisis. The world is rapidly growing hotter or colder or whatever its supposed to be doing, and if this continues or stops or whatever its supposed to do next, we will soon be forced to find some other reason to be hysterical and hand over all our freedoms to faceless international bureaucrats or any of the other magical creatures who appear when I go off my meds.

The anger over the lamented presidents failure to show up for the U.N.s urgent gathering of corrupt and sinister grifters is only one of many rifts beginning to appear in the Democrat Party. Polls now show that younger Democrats are becoming disillusioned with the administration because they feel Biden just doesnt hate Jews enough. The leader of Harvards Young Democrat Society, Adolf Jihad, speaking at a riot hosted by the universitys debate club, said, We denounce the presidents support of genocide because he refuses to join Hamas in their stated mission to exterminate the Jewish people so, okay, maybe we dont exactly know what the word genocide means, but then, were Ivy Leaguers so total ignorance has never stopped us from holding insane opinions with absolute self-certainty. WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show

Karine Jean Identity Hire sought to reassure the Nazi Harvard group, saying Speaking as a black lesbian woman, I want to assure the Hitlerian half of the Democrat party, that the vocal support for Jews the president would be expressing if he were still with us will always be backed 100% by clandestine and insidious actions meant to undermine Israeli security and strengthen an Iranian nation bent on eradicating first the Jews and then the rest of us, speaking as a black lesbian woman who is speaking for a black homosexual man who is speaking to Anthony Blinken who is secretly running the government.

Some Democrats fear that the divisions in their party could lower their chances of winning the next election because Biden is now so unpopular that even the mules may cast their packets of forged votes for someone else. But the fact is, the Republican Party is divided as well. Some Republicans, for instance, intend to vote for Donald Trump while others would prefer to shine a magic enlargement ray on Trump and blow him up to the size of Godzilla so he can crush Democrat cities beneath his enormous feet and then devour their inhabitants. Still other Republicans would like to vote for Trump first and then enlarge him so he can unleash his atomic heat ray breath and warm the planet until the rapidly decaying Biden is forced to go to the U.N. climate conference and stink the place up.

The Republicans hope these internal conflicts about Trump will be resolved in the next debate between Nikki Haley and Ron DeSantis.

* * *

Andrew Klavan is the host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, The House of Love and Death, is now available!Follow him on X: @andrewklavan

This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of The Andrew Klavan Show.

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

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Pakistan allocates 2,000MW power for Bitcoin mining and AI centers

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Pakistan allocates 2,000MW power for Bitcoin mining and AI centers

Pakistan allocates 2,000MW power for Bitcoin mining and AI centers

Pakistan has allocated 2,000 megawatts of surplus electricity exclusively for Bitcoin mining and artificial intelligence centers.

The move is part of a broader digital transformation plan spearheaded by the Pakistan Crypto Council and backed by the Ministry of Finance, according to a May 25 report by local news outlet 24NewsHD TV Channel.

In the first phase, the government plans to channel excess power into AI infrastructure and crypto mining operations. Finance Minister Muhammad Aurangzeb said the decision is expected to attract billions in foreign investment while generating high-tech employment across the country.

The initiative’s second phase will introduce access to renewable energy for mining operations, aiming to balance growth with environmental responsibility.

Related: Trump-backed World Liberty Financial partners with Pakistan Crypto Council

Pakistan unveils tax incentives to attract investors

Per the report, interest from international Bitcoin (BTC) miners and AI firms has already picked up. Officials confirmed that multiple foreign delegations have visited Pakistan in recent months to explore potential partnerships.

To further incentivize investment, the Ministry of Finance announced a package of tax incentives for AI centers and duty exemptions for Bitcoin miners.

Bilal Bin Saqib, CEO of Pakistan’s Crypto Council, reportedly welcomed the development, calling it a “turning point” for the country’s digital economy.

Saqib claimed that with clear regulations and a transparent framework, Pakistan could emerge as a significant player in the global crypto and AI sectors.

Saqib first proposed using the country’s runoff energy to fuel Bitcoin mining at the Crypto Council’s inaugural meeting on March 21.

The meeting included lawmakers, the Bank of Pakistan’s governor, the chairman of Pakistan’s Securities and Exchange Commission (SECP), and the federal information technology secretary.

Related: Pakistan proposes compliance-based crypto regulatory framework — Report

Pakistan creates Digital Asset Authority

On May 21, Pakistan’s Ministry of Finance endorsed the creation of a dedicated body to regulate blockchain-based financial infrastructure in the country.

The Pakistan Digital Assets Authority (PDAA) will serve as a regulatory body to oversee licensing and regulating exchanges, custodians, wallets, tokenized platforms, stablecoins, and decentralized finance applications.

The PDAA will also be tasked with tokenizing national assets and government debt, facilitating monetization of Pakistan’s surplus electricity through regulated Bitcoin mining, and helping startups build blockchain-based solutions at scale.

Pakistan ranked highly in Chainalysis’ 2024 crypto adoption index, coming in ninth, mainly due to strong retail adoption and transactions at centralized services.

Pakistan allocates 2,000MW power for Bitcoin mining and AI centers
Pakistan ranked highly in Chainalysis’ 2024 crypto adoption index, coming in 9th. Source: Chainalysis

Data from Statista also shows Pakistan’s crypto market is “experiencing rapid growth,” estimating the number of crypto users to amount to over 27 million by 2025, out of a population of 247 million.

Magazine: Bitcoin bears eye $69K, CZ denies WLF ‘fixer’ rumors: Hodler’s Digest, May 18 – 24

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Crypto investor charged with kidnapping, torturing an Italian for passwords

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Crypto investor charged with kidnapping, torturing an Italian for passwords

Crypto investor charged with kidnapping, torturing an Italian for passwords

A Manhattan crypto investor is facing serious charges after allegedly kidnapping and torturing an Italian man in a disturbing bid to extract access to digital assets.

John Woeltz, 37, was arraigned on Saturday in Manhattan criminal court following his arrest on Friday. He stands accused of holding a 28-year-old Italian man captive for weeks inside a luxury townhouse in Soho, reportedly rented for $30,000 per month.

According to police reports cited by The New York Times, the victim arrived in the US on May 6 and was allegedly abducted by Woeltz and an accomplice.

The attackers are said to have stolen the man’s passport and electronic devices before demanding the password to his Bitcoin (BTC) wallet. When he refused, the suspects allegedly subjected him to prolonged physical abuse.

Crypto investor charged with kidnapping, torturing an Italian for passwords
Source: Mario Nawfal

Related: Violent crypto robberies on the rise: Six attacks that targeted investors

Crypto victim beaten, electroshocked

The victim described being beaten, shocked with electricity, assaulted with a firearm and even dangled from the upper floors of the five-story building.

He also told police that Woeltz used a saw to cut his leg and forced him to smoke crack cocaine. Threats were also reportedly made against his family.

Photographic evidence found inside the property, including Polaroids, appears to support claims of sustained abuse. The victim managed to escape on Friday and alert authorities, leading to Woeltz’s arrest.

Woeltz was charged with four felony counts, including kidnapping for ransom, and entered a plea of not guilty. Judge Eric Schumacher ordered him to be held without bail. He is expected back in court on May 28.

A 24-year-old woman was also taken into custody on Friday in connection with the incident. However, she was seen walking freely in New York the next day, and no charges against her were found in the court’s online database.

Authorities have yet to clarify the relationship between the suspect and the victim or whether any cryptocurrency was ultimately stolen.

Related: Crypto crime goes industrial as gangs launch coins, launder billions — UN

Crypto executives turn to bodyguards

Executives and investors in the crypto industry are increasingly seeking personal security services as kidnapping and ransom cases surge, especially in France.

On May 18, Amsterdam-based private firm Infinite Risks International reported a rise in requests for bodyguards and long-term protection contracts from high-profile figures in the space.

French authorities have responded by introducing enhanced protections for crypto entrepreneurs and their families, including security briefings and priority access to police assistance.

This comes amid a recent surge in kidnappings and ransom attempts. David Balland, the co-founder of hardware wallet company Ledger, was kidnapped in January 2025 and held for ransom for several days before being rescued by French police.

In May 2024, the father of an unnamed crypto entrepreneur was freed from a ransom attempt after French law enforcement officials raided the location in a Paris suburb where the individual was being held hostage by organized criminals.

Magazine: Bitcoiner sex trap extortion? BTS firm’s blockchain disaster: Asia Express

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Gail’s backer plots rare move with bid for steak chain Flat Iron

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Gail's backer plots rare move with bid for steak chain Flat Iron

A backer of Gail’s bakeries is in advanced talks to acquire Flat Iron, one of Britain’s fastest-growing steak restaurant chains.

Sky News has learnt that McWin Capital Partners, which specialises in investments across the “food ecosystem”, has teamed up with TriSpan, another private equity investor, to buy a large stake in Flat Iron.

Restaurant industry sources said McWin would probably take the largest economic interest in Flat Iron if the deal completes.

They added that the two buyers were in exclusive discussions, with a deal possible in approximately a month’s time.

The valuation attached to Flat Iron was unclear on Sunday.

Flat Iron launched in 2012 in London’s Shoreditch and now has roughly 20 sites open.

The chain is solidly profitable, with its latest accounts showing underlying profits of £5.7m in the year to the end of August.

It already has private equity backing in the form of Piper, a leading investor in consumer brands, which injected £10m into the business in 2017.

Flat Iron was founded by Charlie Carroll, who retains an interest in it, but the company is now run by former Byron restaurant boss Tom Byng.

Houlihan Lokey, the investment bank, has been advising Flat Iron on the process.

McWin has reportedly been in talks to take full control of Gail’s while TriSpan’s portfolio has included restaurant operators such as the Vietnamese chain Pho and Rosa’s, a Thai food chain.

A spokesman for McWin declined to comment.

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