In the latest irrelevant political news, President and Venal Houseplant Joe Biden did not attend this weeks U.N. Climate Crisis Conference because hes been dead for six months and the whole climate thing is crap anyway. Making the announcement to what was either the White House Press Corps or a collection of animatronic Pirates of the Caribbean purchased at the Disney asset fire sale, presidential spokeswoman Karine Jean Identity Hire said, Speaking as a black lesbian woman, I want to assure you that this is a president who would be fully engaged in this important issue if he were fully engaged and this were an important issue. As it is, the pressing business of pulling the rug out from under our allies in Ukraine and Israel is commanding what would be all of his attention if he were paying attention, speaking as a black lesbian woman. The press corps responded by drunkenly chasing slave girls around the deck of a burning ship and repeatedly saying, Arrrr as usual.
The late houseplants failure to show up at the U.N. Conference was greeted with anger by climate activists and other suckers. Mentally ill Swedish Girl Greta Thunberg took time off from calling for the slaughter of Jews to protest the presidents irrelevant inaction in an impassioned speech delivered to a gathering of her hallucinations. Thunberg said, Im very disappointed in the presidents remains. He must address this completely invented issue quickly before it develops into a totally imaginary crisis. The world is rapidly growing hotter or colder or whatever its supposed to be doing, and if this continues or stops or whatever its supposed to do next, we will soon be forced to find some other reason to be hysterical and hand over all our freedoms to faceless international bureaucrats or any of the other magical creatures who appear when I go off my meds.
The anger over the lamented presidents failure to show up for the U.N.s urgent gathering of corrupt and sinister grifters is only one of many rifts beginning to appear in the Democrat Party. Polls now show that younger Democrats are becoming disillusioned with the administration because they feel Biden just doesnt hate Jews enough. The leader of Harvards Young Democrat Society, Adolf Jihad, speaking at a riot hosted by the universitys debate club, said, We denounce the presidents support of genocide because he refuses to join Hamas in their stated mission to exterminate the Jewish people so, okay, maybe we dont exactly know what the word genocide means, but then, were Ivy Leaguers so total ignorance has never stopped us from holding insane opinions with absolute self-certainty. WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show
Karine Jean Identity Hire sought to reassure the Nazi Harvard group, saying Speaking as a black lesbian woman, I want to assure the Hitlerian half of the Democrat party, that the vocal support for Jews the president would be expressing if he were still with us will always be backed 100% by clandestine and insidious actions meant to undermine Israeli security and strengthen an Iranian nation bent on eradicating first the Jews and then the rest of us, speaking as a black lesbian woman who is speaking for a black homosexual man who is speaking to Anthony Blinken who is secretly running the government.
Some Democrats fear that the divisions in their party could lower their chances of winning the next election because Biden is now so unpopular that even the mules may cast their packets of forged votes for someone else. But the fact is, the Republican Party is divided as well. Some Republicans, for instance, intend to vote for Donald Trump while others would prefer to shine a magic enlargement ray on Trump and blow him up to the size of Godzilla so he can crush Democrat cities beneath his enormous feet and then devour their inhabitants. Still other Republicans would like to vote for Trump first and then enlarge him so he can unleash his atomic heat ray breath and warm the planet until the rapidly decaying Biden is forced to go to the U.N. climate conference and stink the place up.
The Republicans hope these internal conflicts about Trump will be resolved in the next debate between Nikki Haley and Ron DeSantis.
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Andrew Klavan is the host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, The House of Love and Death, is now available!Follow him on X: @andrewklavan
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of The Andrew Klavan Show.
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
A two-way shootout for WH Smith’s high street chain will take place this spring as the 233-year-old retailer’s brand prepares to disappear from towns across Britain.
Sky News has learnt that Alteri and Modella Capital, both of which specialise in buying troubled retailers, are now the only two remaining parties in talks with WH Smith and its advisers about a potential deal.
Doug Putman, the owner of HMV and widely tipped as a logical bidder for the chain, is no longer in talks with bankers at Greenhill, although he could yet try to pitch a new offer before the auction concludes, according to insiders.
Alteri, which owns Bensons for Beds and had a disastrous spell in control of Missguided, the fashion brand, and Modella, which recently bought The Original Factory Shop and also owns Hobbycraft, would be expected to conduct major surgery on WH Smith’s high street business if they took control.
A definitive deal could be announced at the time of WH Smith’s interim results in April.
Sky News revealed in January that WH Smith’s London-listed holding company was looking to offload the high street business, which comprises more than 500 shops.
If completed, the deal would leave WH Smith as a company focused on its more lucrative travel retail operation in airports, railway stations and hospitals, which comprises about 1,200 stores globally.
A sale of its high street arm would mark a watershed moment for the UK high street, which first saw the appearance of the name in 1792.
The business, which specialises in selling items such as greeting cards and stationery, employs about 5,000 people across the country.
Russian special forces crept through a disused gas pipeline for several miles to launch a surprise attack on Ukrainian soldiers in the Kursk region, Ukraine’s military and pro-Moscow war bloggers have said.
Footage circulating on the Telegram app claims to show the elite soldiers crouching as they make their way through the darkness of the pipe to the town of Sudzha.
Some can be heard cursing in Russian and complaining about the commanders who sent them on the mission.
One of the soldiers is heard saying: “F*****g hell, where the f*** are we, boys?”
Another says: “Where does the pipe go? To Sudzha, for f**** sake, that’s f***ing crazy.”
Later in the clip a soldier is heard saying: “We’ll get there of course, but indignantly, because we’re f*****g sick of the f*****g command.”
He later adds: “They took our f*****g assault rifles too.”
Two of the soldiers are seen smoking cigarettes while a separate image shared on Telegram shows an operative wearing a gas mask.
Image: The footage shows soldiers creeping through the pipeline
Image: Soldiers are seen smoking cigarettes
The special forces soldiers walked around nine miles (15km) through the pipeline which Moscow had until recently used to send gas to Europe, according to Telegram posts by Ukrainian-born pro-Kremlin blogger Yuri Podolyaka.
In the footage, the soldiers suggest the mission requires them to walk seven miles through the pipe.
Mr Podolyaka says some of them spent several days in the pipeline before striking Ukrainian units from the rear near Sudzha.
The operation formed part of efforts by Russia to recapture areas of Kursk which were seized by thousands of Ukrainian soldiers in a shock offensive in August last year.
Another pro-Russian war blogger, who uses the alias Two Majors, said a major battle is under way in Sudzha after Moscow’s special forces crept through the pipe.
Meanwhile, Ukraine’s general staff confirmed on Saturday that Russian soldiers had used the pipeline in an attempt to gain a foothold, but airborne assault forces promptly detected them, and they responded with rocket, artillery and drone attacks that destroyed Moscow’s units.
“The enemy’s losses in Sudzha are very high,” the general staff reported.
Image: A close-up image of one of the soldiers in the pipeline
Image: The soldiers crept through the tunnel for several miles
It comes as Ukraine’s Air Assault Forces shared a video on Telegram on Saturday which it claims shows Kyiv’s forces repelling Russian forces in Kursk with airstrikes.
Sky News has not independently verified the footage.
Months after Kyiv’s forces seized parts of Kursk, Ukrainian soldiers are weary and bloodied by relentless assaults of more than 50,000 Russian troops, including some from Moscow’s ally North Korea.
Tens of thousands of Ukrainian soldiers run the risk of being encircled, open-source maps of the battlefield showed on Friday.
Meanwhile, Russia’s defence ministry said this morning that it had captured a settlement in Kursk and another in Ukraine’s Sumy region.
Russia also launched heavy aerial attacks overnight on Ukraine into Saturday – with at least 22 people killed, including 11 in the frontline town of Dobropilla in Ukraine’sembattled eastern Donetsk region.
The attacks come after the US paused military aid and the sharing of intelligencewith Ukraine this month after a meeting between US President Donald Trump and Mr Zelenskyy descended into a confrontation in front of the world’s media.
The Trump administration’s stance on Ukraine and apparent favouring of Moscow has sparked concern among European leaders.
Meanwhile, Russian officials have been criticised after presenting mothers of soldiers killed in Ukraine with gifts of meat grinders on International Women’s Day.
Russia is often accused of throwing its troops into a “meat grinder” with little regard for their lives.
The local branch of government in the northwestern Russian town of Polyarniye Zori defended itself against the backlash, saying critics were making “callous and provocative interpretations” of the gifts.