In the latest irrelevant political news, President and Venal Houseplant Joe Biden did not attend this weeks U.N. Climate Crisis Conference because hes been dead for six months and the whole climate thing is crap anyway. Making the announcement to what was either the White House Press Corps or a collection of animatronic Pirates of the Caribbean purchased at the Disney asset fire sale, presidential spokeswoman Karine Jean Identity Hire said, Speaking as a black lesbian woman, I want to assure you that this is a president who would be fully engaged in this important issue if he were fully engaged and this were an important issue. As it is, the pressing business of pulling the rug out from under our allies in Ukraine and Israel is commanding what would be all of his attention if he were paying attention, speaking as a black lesbian woman. The press corps responded by drunkenly chasing slave girls around the deck of a burning ship and repeatedly saying, Arrrr as usual.
The late houseplants failure to show up at the U.N. Conference was greeted with anger by climate activists and other suckers. Mentally ill Swedish Girl Greta Thunberg took time off from calling for the slaughter of Jews to protest the presidents irrelevant inaction in an impassioned speech delivered to a gathering of her hallucinations. Thunberg said, Im very disappointed in the presidents remains. He must address this completely invented issue quickly before it develops into a totally imaginary crisis. The world is rapidly growing hotter or colder or whatever its supposed to be doing, and if this continues or stops or whatever its supposed to do next, we will soon be forced to find some other reason to be hysterical and hand over all our freedoms to faceless international bureaucrats or any of the other magical creatures who appear when I go off my meds.
The anger over the lamented presidents failure to show up for the U.N.s urgent gathering of corrupt and sinister grifters is only one of many rifts beginning to appear in the Democrat Party. Polls now show that younger Democrats are becoming disillusioned with the administration because they feel Biden just doesnt hate Jews enough. The leader of Harvards Young Democrat Society, Adolf Jihad, speaking at a riot hosted by the universitys debate club, said, We denounce the presidents support of genocide because he refuses to join Hamas in their stated mission to exterminate the Jewish people so, okay, maybe we dont exactly know what the word genocide means, but then, were Ivy Leaguers so total ignorance has never stopped us from holding insane opinions with absolute self-certainty. WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show
Karine Jean Identity Hire sought to reassure the Nazi Harvard group, saying Speaking as a black lesbian woman, I want to assure the Hitlerian half of the Democrat party, that the vocal support for Jews the president would be expressing if he were still with us will always be backed 100% by clandestine and insidious actions meant to undermine Israeli security and strengthen an Iranian nation bent on eradicating first the Jews and then the rest of us, speaking as a black lesbian woman who is speaking for a black homosexual man who is speaking to Anthony Blinken who is secretly running the government.
Some Democrats fear that the divisions in their party could lower their chances of winning the next election because Biden is now so unpopular that even the mules may cast their packets of forged votes for someone else. But the fact is, the Republican Party is divided as well. Some Republicans, for instance, intend to vote for Donald Trump while others would prefer to shine a magic enlargement ray on Trump and blow him up to the size of Godzilla so he can crush Democrat cities beneath his enormous feet and then devour their inhabitants. Still other Republicans would like to vote for Trump first and then enlarge him so he can unleash his atomic heat ray breath and warm the planet until the rapidly decaying Biden is forced to go to the U.N. climate conference and stink the place up.
The Republicans hope these internal conflicts about Trump will be resolved in the next debate between Nikki Haley and Ron DeSantis.
* * *
Andrew Klavan is the host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, The House of Love and Death, is now available!Follow him on X: @andrewklavan
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of The Andrew Klavan Show.
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
YouTuber-turned-boxer Jake Paul has defeated one of the greatest-ever fighters, former heavyweight world champion Mike Tyson, who’s more than twice his age.
The bout was won on a unanimous points decision at the AT&T Stadium in Arlington, Texas – home of the Dallas Cowboys and the biggest NFL stadium in the US.
The fight was already controversial but then arguably failed to live up to the hype. Boos were heard from the crowd in the final two rounds, after a perceived lack of action.
Boxing careers compared
This was not Paul’s first professional fight. The 27-year-old American YouTube star made his debut in 2020 with his most high-profile clash against Tyson Fury’s brother Tommy Fury last year, which he lost by a split decision.
The so-called “Problem Child” has since defeated former UFC contender Nate Diaz, professional boxer Andre August, former Gold Gloves champion Ryan Bourland and most recently MMA fighter Mike Perry.
In contrast, “Iron Mike” Tyson, 58, was ranked among the best heavyweight boxers of all time.
More on Jake Paul
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During his career, he knocked out 44 opponents – retiring from professional boxing in 2005 after defeat against Kevin McBride.
He returned to the ring in 2020 for a bout against fellow boxing icon Roy Jones, which ended in an unofficial draw.
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‘Someone’s getting put to sleep’
Earlier this week, Paul said he believed the bout would not go the distance. “No, someone’s getting put to sleep,” he said. “It’s going to be a war, and we’re both heavy hitters. It’s not going the full 16 minutes.”
Tyson was more reflective: “I’ve been through so many ups and downs since my last fight with Kevin McBride,” he said.
“I’ve been in rehab. I’ve been in prison, been locked up. Never in a million years did I believe I’d be doing this.”
Several states would not allow the bout to go ahead, and the Texas Athletic Commission only agreed to the fight if there were changes, due to Tyson’s age.
It limited the contest to eight rounds lasting a maximum of two minutes instead of three. Both boxers were also required to wear heavier gloves, designed to lessen the force of punches.
The fight was initially scheduled for 20 July, but was postponed when Tyson suffered an ulcer flareup.
Taylor defends title
Meanwhile, among the undercard fights, Irish boxer Katie Taylor successfully defended her super lightweight world title against Puerto Rico’s Amanda Serrano.
But it was tight. Taylor claimed the rematch 95-94 for all three judges in an epic battle.
The bout came two and a half years after the pair fought at Madison Square Garden, which Taylor won on a split decision.
Bout suffered from buffering
Earlier in the evening thousands of Netflix users in the US reported problems seeing the coverage, with some posting on social media about buffering.
At one point, more than 98,000 people had reported issues according to Downdetector, which tracks outages.
This breaking news story is being updated and more details will be published shortly.
Please refresh the page for the fullest version.
You can receive Breaking News alerts on a smartphone or tablet via theSky News App. You can also follow@SkyNews on X or subscribe to ourYouTube channel to keep up with the latest news.
YouTuber-turned-boxer Jake Paul has defeated one of the greatest-ever fighters, former heavyweight world champion Mike Tyson, who’s more than twice his age.
The bout was won on a unanimous points decision at the AT&T Stadium in Arlington, Texas – home of the Dallas Cowboys and the biggest NFL stadium in the US.
The fight was already controversial but then arguably failed to live up to the hype. Boos were heard from the crowd in the final two rounds, after a perceived lack of action.
Boxing careers compared
This was not Paul’s first professional fight. The 27-year-old American YouTube star made his debut in 2020 with his most high-profile clash against Tyson Fury’s brother Tommy Fury last year, which he lost by a split decision.
The so-called “Problem Child” has since defeated former UFC contender Nate Diaz, professional boxer Andre August, former Gold Gloves champion Ryan Bourland and most recently MMA fighter Mike Perry.
In contrast, “Iron Mike” Tyson, 58, was ranked among the best heavyweight boxers of all time.
More on Jake Paul
Related Topics:
During his career, he knocked out 44 opponents – retiring from professional boxing in 2005 after defeat against Kevin McBride.
He returned to the ring in 2020 for a bout against fellow boxing icon Roy Jones, which ended in an unofficial draw.
Advertisement
‘Someone’s getting put to sleep’
Earlier this week, Paul said he believed the bout would not go the distance. “No, someone’s getting put to sleep,” he said. “It’s going to be a war, and we’re both heavy hitters. It’s not going the full 16 minutes.”
Tyson was more reflective: “I’ve been through so many ups and downs since my last fight with Kevin McBride,” he said.
“I’ve been in rehab. I’ve been in prison, been locked up. Never in a million years did I believe I’d be doing this.”
Several states would not allow the bout to go ahead, and the Texas Athletic Commission only agreed to the fight if there were changes, due to Tyson’s age.
It limited the contest to eight rounds lasting a maximum of two minutes instead of three. Both boxers were also required to wear heavier gloves, designed to lessen the force of punches.
The fight was initially scheduled for 20 July, but was postponed when Tyson suffered an ulcer flareup.
Taylor defends title
Meanwhile, among the undercard fights, Irish boxer Katie Taylor successfully defended her super lightweight world title against Puerto Rico’s Amanda Serrano.
But it was tight. Taylor claimed the rematch 95-94 for all three judges in an epic battle.
The bout came two and a half years after the pair fought at Madison Square Garden, which Taylor won on a split decision.
Bout suffered from buffering
Earlier in the evening thousands of Netflix users in the US reported problems seeing the coverage, with some posting on social media about buffering.
At one point, more than 98,000 people had reported issues according to Downdetector, which tracks outages.
This breaking news story is being updated and more details will be published shortly.
Please refresh the page for the fullest version.
You can receive Breaking News alerts on a smartphone or tablet via theSky News App. You can also follow@SkyNews on X or subscribe to ourYouTube channel to keep up with the latest news.
According to a court filing, Elon Musk said that the proposed initial coin offering (ICO) “would simply result in a massive loss of credibility for OpenAI.”