‘I can’t defend what he did’: Why I stayed with my child sex offender husband

Published

1 year ago

December 4, 2023

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Sarah* was a “smug married” woman with a “middle-class, middle-everything life”, before a knock on the door brought her world crashing down.

Early one morning, the day before her son’s birthday, she awoke to find police officers in her bedroom. Her husband was standing there with the police – their “really average” life would never be the same again.

“The first thing I knew, the doorbell was ringing,” she says. Shame-faced, her husband – who was always a stickler for following rules – said he had been arrested.

When she asked him why, he just replied: “Images.”

He was quickly escorted out by officers and taken away for questioning. Hundreds of indecent images of children had been found on his computer, including three Category A – the most serious.

As every corner of their home – cupboards, drawers, the attic and garage – was searched, a panicked Sarah asked the forensic officers if they wanted a cup of tea. Then a detective sat her down in their usually neat living room, and described the illegal images her husband had viewed in such detail it left her wondering if “they wanted to add to the shock value”.

She is still haunted by the memory of her two children crying, while police ransacked their house. “I didn’t really focus on them,” she says, her voice cracking. “In hindsight, I should have been with the children and ignored everything else.”

A working mother in her late-40s, Sarah is neatly dressed and well-spoken. The horror of that moment will never leave her, but she hopes that telling her story might help anyone going through something similar.

She sips a cup of tea, while reflecting on the nightmare that rocked her family’s life several years ago. Police, informally, call this type of arrest “The Knock”.

It is a raid on the home where every electronic and telecommunications device in the property is searched for, scanned on-site or confiscated.

All her photographs of her children from the day they were born to the day of the arrest were lost, Sarah says, because they were stored on the main computer, alongside the child abuse images.

After he was convicted, the judge ordered the computer to be destroyed.

Typically, warrants are executed early in the morning to reduce the chance of an offender destroying possible evidence. But that can make it more likely that children will be home at the time of arrest.

For Sarah, the feeling of being judged was overwhelming. Their house was in a small cul-de-sac and she was certain her neighbours would call and ask what was going on: “It was obvious something big was happening in our house.”

But the phone never rang.

After his initial arrest that day, Sarah’s husband was bailed and returned to the family home. The pair sat down on the sofa and had a long conversation about the future. But a few hours later, social services arrived and told him to pack a bag and go.

“I was in a state of shock, the children were beside themselves. My husband was confused, and quite rightly, in a state of utter shame.”

Months of agonising followed but in the end Sarah decided to support her husband and keep the family together. While she would “never defend” what he did, she says, her children were a “huge factor” in her decision.

Her husband was eventually found guilty of viewing and copying more than 500 indecent images of children, aged 11 to 18. A year after their home was raided, he received a community sentence.

To help her cope, Sarah tried to understand what was going through his mind and what motivated him to look at those images. She also spoke to experts to find out how likely it was he would move from looking at images to offending against children.

She was psychologically tested and questioned by social services and other agencies, as they asked her to justify her choice. Her children also underwent questioning.

At the same time, Sarah says she and the children received no support for the trauma that had been caused to them by her husband’s crime, which new research shows can induce the same level of post-traumatic stress as war-zone combat.

“I felt so isolated,” she says. “They made it clear to me that I was unique in my decision.”

But anecdotally, police say around 50% of people choose to stay with their sex offender partners. “There must be more than me in the UK, that choose to stay as well? But how do you come across those people? Because nobody would ever, ever, talk about it openly,” she says.

In England and Wales, police forces make more than 850 arrests a month for online child sex offences. The majority of suspects are men who can have families living with them at the time of the offence.

Thousands of children every year now have to deal with the vicarious shame and stigma that’s associated with such a crime.

Dr Theresa Redmond, a professor for the eastern region policing institute at Anglia Ruskin University, describes the situation for those affected as a “high risk in terms of self-harm, suicide ideation”, especially once all the other emotional, financial and physical impacts are taken into account.

Many families, like Sarah’s, move home and put their children in different schools to avoid being targeted once the crime becomes known. But – whether or not partners choose to stay with the offender – there is no mandatory support for families.

“The police left some leaflets with my husband,” Sarah tells me, “for support for him.” For her and the children, she says, “There was nothing.”

Now, her family are trying to make a new start.

But the reality is wherever they go the shadow of her husband’s crime will always follow them: “If we go to a doctor’s appointment, it is on the file. If we go to the paediatrician, it’s on the file. The school, it’s on the file.”

Every time the doorbell rings, she feels a sense of dread. “I don’t answer the door anymore.”

She also harbours fears for the future implications of her choice to stay. Her children say they love their father and have forgiven him but she is worried about what happens when they grow up.

“If they have children and tell their partners what happened, will they then decide that my husband and I aren’t appropriate to get involved with their children?” she says, sounding fearful.

“I’ll never escape the choice I made.”

*Names have been changed

Anyone feeling emotionally distressed or suicidal can call Samaritans for help on 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org in the UK. In the US, call the Samaritans branch in your area or 1 (800) 273-TALK

UK

UK has no plans for conscription – but future decisions will respond to ‘new reality’, says minister

Published

4 hours ago

March 9, 2025

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UK has no plans for conscription - but future decisions will respond to 'new reality', says minister

The UK is not considering introducing conscription to ready the country for a potential war – but decisions may be needed in the future to respond to the “new reality” we are now living in, a minister has told Sky News.

In an interview with Trevor Phillips, Latvian President Edgars Rinkeviks has urged European countries to follow his country’s lead and “absolutely” introduce conscription, conceding the continent is “quite weak” militarily.

Politics latest: Calls for European nations to reintroduce conscription

Asked if the UK government is considering introducing the measure to boost the armed forces, Cabinet Office minister Pat McFadden said it is important the UK does not find itself operating under “old assumptions” – and that it may be “decisions are needed in the future that respond to a new reality”.

He told Sunday Morning with Trevor Phillips: “We are not considering conscription, but of course we have announced a major increase in defence expenditure.

“We do have to recognise that the world has changed. The phrase ‘step up’ is used a lot. Europe does have to step up in terms of its own defence.

“President Trump isn’t actually the first president to say that, but he said it more loudly and with more force than his predecessors – so, I think we have got to recognise that moment.”

‘UK cannot cling to old assumptions’

He added: “When the world is changing as fast as it is, it’s important that we don’t cling on to old assumptions.

“I think the prime minister has played a tremendous role in recent weeks in responding to that situation and explaining it to the public.

“That is why the decision on increasing defence expenditure was needed.

“It may be why other decisions are needed in the future that respond to a new reality, and that we don’t find ourselves caught operating under the same assumption as we used to in the past when the situation has changed.”

‘Battlefield is changing’

Sir Keir Starmer has promised to increase defence spending to 2.5% of GDP but has not set out when this will be achieved. Ministers say a defence review to be published this spring will set out a “roadmap” to it.

The number is much lower than the US president has demanded NATO members spend on defence, with Mr Trump saying they should all be spending 5% – an amount last seen during the Cold War.

Asked if the “new reality” involved a bigger army, Mr McFadden said ministers were waiting for the conclusion of the review.

But he added: “One thing is for sure, you would not spend money today on the same things as you would 10 years ago.

“The experience of the three years of the war in Ukraine has shown just how fast the battlefield is changing in terms of cyber, drones, the use of intelligence.”

History of conscription in UK

In the UK, military conscription has existed for two periods in modern times.

The first was from 1916 to 1920 following the outbreak of the First World War in 1914, due to the dwindling number of volunteers for military service.

Lord Kitchener’s campaign – promoted by his famous “Your Country Needs You” poster – had encouraged more than one million men to enlist by January 1915. But this was not enough.

In January 1916, after much debate, the Military Service Act was passed. This imposed conscription on all single men aged between 18 and 41, but exempted the medically unfit, clergymen, teachers and certain classes of industrial worker.

Conscientious objectors – men who objected to fighting on moral grounds – were also exempt, and were given civilian jobs or non-fighting roles at the front.

Conscription was not applied to Ireland because of the 1916 Easter Rising, although many Irishmen volunteered to fight.

A second Act passed in May 1916 extended conscription to married men, and in 1918, during the last months of the war, the age limit was raised to 51.

Conscription was extended until 1920 to allow the army to deal with continuing trouble spots in the Empire and parts of Europe.

In the run-up to the Second World War, plans for limited conscription applying to single men aged between 20 and 22 were given parliamentary approval in the Military Training Act in May 1939. This required men to undertake six months’ military training.

When Britain declared war against Germany on 3 September 1939, the National Service (Armed Forces) Act imposed conscription on all males aged between 18 and 41.

Those medically unfit were exempt, as were others in key industries and jobs such as baking, farming, medicine, and engineering, while conscientious objectors had to appear before a tribunal to argue their reasons for refusing to join up.

In December 1941, a second National Service Act was approved, making all unmarried women and all childless widows between the ages of 20 and 30 liable to call-up.

The last conscription term ended in 1960, although many soldiers chose to continue in the service beyond 1963.

The Conservatives’ first policy announcement of last year’s general election campaign was that the party would introduce a new form of mandatory National Service for 18-year-olds.

Asked if the Tories still stood by the plan which was in their manifesto, shadow home secretary Chris Philp told Sunday Morning with Trevor Phillips: “We are obviously not going to write our manifesto now, so I am not going to recommit to things in the previous manifesto.

“We’ll need to do the thinking properly. I am not going to speculate four years ahead of the election.

“I don’t think it was really exactly conscription that was being proposed, it was a National Citizen Service which is a bit different.

“The idea of getting younger people to do voluntary work and perform useful tasks is not a bad idea.”

Last year, Britain’s former top NATO commander told Sky News it was time to “think the unthinkable” and consider introducing conscription.

General Sir Richard Sherriff, ex-deputy supreme allied commander of the military organisation, said: “I think we need to get over many of the cultural hang-ups and assumptions, and frankly think the unthinkable.

“I think we need to go further and look carefully at conscription.”

UK

Police recover body in search for suspect in Valentine’s Day pub shooting

Published

10 hours ago

March 9, 2025

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Police recover body in search for suspect in Valentine's Day pub shooting

Police searching for the suspect in the Kent pub shooting on Valentine’s Day have recovered a body from the River Thames.

Lisa Smith, 43, was killed after she was shot outside The Three Horseshoes in Knockholt on the evening of Friday 14 February.

Later that night, the suspect, named as Edvard Smith, was believed to have fallen into the Thames from the Queen Elizabeth II Bridge which crosses the river at Dartford 17 miles away.

Around that time, the suspect’s car containing a handgun was found abandoned on the bridge and a man was seen on the wrong side of the barrier.

About a week after the shooting, Kent Police said they believed Edvard Smith had died after falling into the water.

The force has now said a body was found in the Thames near Rainham in Essex on Friday afternoon. It has not been formally identified but the suspect’s family have been told of the development.

Edvard Smith was known to Ms Smith and there had been no prior contact between the police and the victim or suspect.

‘So much commotion’

Following the shooting, the landlady of The Three Horseshoes, Michelle Thomas, told Sky News she heard two loud bangs that she initially “thought were fireworks” on the night of the attack.

She said there was “so much commotion – screaming, shouting, crying” and the shooting had left the community in “absolute shock”.

She said Ms Smith, from Slough, had been to the pub before, “mostly in the summer” but “wasn’t a regular”.

Ms Thomas also said about 30 people were at the pub for dinner, while 20 more were in the bar as the incident unfolded just after 7pm.

Kent Police said on Saturday: “A body has been recovered by police from the River Thames, which is being linked to a murder investigation in Knockholt.

“On Friday 14 February 2025, Lisa Smith, 43, was killed after she was shot outside a pub in Main Road. The suspect was known to Lisa and later that evening officers found his car abandoned on the Queen Elizabeth II Bridge. Enquiries established he had fallen into the water below.

“At around 3.45pm on Friday 7 March, a body was located near Rainham, Essex. Formal identification has not yet taken place; however, the man’s family have been informed.”

UK

UK weather: Warm weekend brings 20C temperatures – hotter than Spain and Italy

Published

10 hours ago

March 9, 2025

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UK weather: Warm weekend brings 20C temperatures - hotter than Spain and Italy

Parts of the UK are expected to be hotter than the Balearic Islands, Costa del Sol and the Amalfi Coast this weekend.

The country is set to reach the highest temperatures of the year so far, with central England heating up to 20C on Sunday.

Saturday is also set to reach temperatures in the high teens, with East Anglia, northwest England, the north Midlands and North Wales hitting 18-19C, the Met Office said.

Those temperatures are believed to be above average for this time of year.

Get the latest forecast for your area here

Craig Snell, a meteorologist at the Met Office, said there are a “few exceptions” to the “fine and sunny” weekend weather, including areas in the far north of Scotland, but those areas will still be generally dry and sunny.

Meanwhile, popular holiday destinations in Europe are expected to record cooler temperatures.

A high of 15C is forecast this weekend for Marbella on the south coast of Spain, a maximum of 17C is expected in Ibiza, and 18C is forecast for Sorrento on Italy’s Amalfi Coast.

Sky News meteorologist Chris England said the warm weekend is not expected to last, with conditions “cooling off from the North on Sunday night and through Monday”.

A spell of rain will move south across the country early next week, bringing the return of a few wintry showers in the North and North East.

“While there is uncertainty in the extent of rain and wintry showers through the middle of next week, there is higher confidence that below average temperatures will continue through the week, bringing a very different feel to the mild weather over the weekend,” deputy chief meteorologist Chris Bulmer said.

Temperatures will drop back below average across the UK from Tuesday, according to the Met Office.

Rural spots in Scotland could plummet as low as -4C, with maximum daytime temperatures typically between 5-8C.