‘I can’t defend what he did’: Why I stayed with my child sex offender husband

Published

1 year ago

December 4, 2023

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Sarah* was a “smug married” woman with a “middle-class, middle-everything life”, before a knock on the door brought her world crashing down.

Early one morning, the day before her son’s birthday, she awoke to find police officers in her bedroom. Her husband was standing there with the police – their “really average” life would never be the same again.

“The first thing I knew, the doorbell was ringing,” she says. Shame-faced, her husband – who was always a stickler for following rules – said he had been arrested.

When she asked him why, he just replied: “Images.”

He was quickly escorted out by officers and taken away for questioning. Hundreds of indecent images of children had been found on his computer, including three Category A – the most serious.

As every corner of their home – cupboards, drawers, the attic and garage – was searched, a panicked Sarah asked the forensic officers if they wanted a cup of tea. Then a detective sat her down in their usually neat living room, and described the illegal images her husband had viewed in such detail it left her wondering if “they wanted to add to the shock value”.

She is still haunted by the memory of her two children crying, while police ransacked their house. “I didn’t really focus on them,” she says, her voice cracking. “In hindsight, I should have been with the children and ignored everything else.”

A working mother in her late-40s, Sarah is neatly dressed and well-spoken. The horror of that moment will never leave her, but she hopes that telling her story might help anyone going through something similar.

She sips a cup of tea, while reflecting on the nightmare that rocked her family’s life several years ago. Police, informally, call this type of arrest “The Knock”.

It is a raid on the home where every electronic and telecommunications device in the property is searched for, scanned on-site or confiscated.

All her photographs of her children from the day they were born to the day of the arrest were lost, Sarah says, because they were stored on the main computer, alongside the child abuse images.

After he was convicted, the judge ordered the computer to be destroyed.

Typically, warrants are executed early in the morning to reduce the chance of an offender destroying possible evidence. But that can make it more likely that children will be home at the time of arrest.

For Sarah, the feeling of being judged was overwhelming. Their house was in a small cul-de-sac and she was certain her neighbours would call and ask what was going on: “It was obvious something big was happening in our house.”

But the phone never rang.

After his initial arrest that day, Sarah’s husband was bailed and returned to the family home. The pair sat down on the sofa and had a long conversation about the future. But a few hours later, social services arrived and told him to pack a bag and go.

“I was in a state of shock, the children were beside themselves. My husband was confused, and quite rightly, in a state of utter shame.”

Months of agonising followed but in the end Sarah decided to support her husband and keep the family together. While she would “never defend” what he did, she says, her children were a “huge factor” in her decision.

Her husband was eventually found guilty of viewing and copying more than 500 indecent images of children, aged 11 to 18. A year after their home was raided, he received a community sentence.

To help her cope, Sarah tried to understand what was going through his mind and what motivated him to look at those images. She also spoke to experts to find out how likely it was he would move from looking at images to offending against children.

She was psychologically tested and questioned by social services and other agencies, as they asked her to justify her choice. Her children also underwent questioning.

At the same time, Sarah says she and the children received no support for the trauma that had been caused to them by her husband’s crime, which new research shows can induce the same level of post-traumatic stress as war-zone combat.

“I felt so isolated,” she says. “They made it clear to me that I was unique in my decision.”

But anecdotally, police say around 50% of people choose to stay with their sex offender partners. “There must be more than me in the UK, that choose to stay as well? But how do you come across those people? Because nobody would ever, ever, talk about it openly,” she says.

In England and Wales, police forces make more than 850 arrests a month for online child sex offences. The majority of suspects are men who can have families living with them at the time of the offence.

Thousands of children every year now have to deal with the vicarious shame and stigma that’s associated with such a crime.

Dr Theresa Redmond, a professor for the eastern region policing institute at Anglia Ruskin University, describes the situation for those affected as a “high risk in terms of self-harm, suicide ideation”, especially once all the other emotional, financial and physical impacts are taken into account.

Many families, like Sarah’s, move home and put their children in different schools to avoid being targeted once the crime becomes known. But – whether or not partners choose to stay with the offender – there is no mandatory support for families.

“The police left some leaflets with my husband,” Sarah tells me, “for support for him.” For her and the children, she says, “There was nothing.”

Now, her family are trying to make a new start.

But the reality is wherever they go the shadow of her husband’s crime will always follow them: “If we go to a doctor’s appointment, it is on the file. If we go to the paediatrician, it’s on the file. The school, it’s on the file.”

Every time the doorbell rings, she feels a sense of dread. “I don’t answer the door anymore.”

She also harbours fears for the future implications of her choice to stay. Her children say they love their father and have forgiven him but she is worried about what happens when they grow up.

“If they have children and tell their partners what happened, will they then decide that my husband and I aren’t appropriate to get involved with their children?” she says, sounding fearful.

“I’ll never escape the choice I made.”

*Names have been changed

Anyone feeling emotionally distressed or suicidal can call Samaritans for help on 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org in the UK. In the US, call the Samaritans branch in your area or 1 (800) 273-TALK

UK

Manchester United legend Denis Law dies aged 84

Published

4 hours ago

January 17, 2025

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Manchester United legend Denis Law dies aged 84

Former Manchester United and Scotland footballer Denis Law has died, at the age of 84.

In a statement, his family said: “It is with a heavy heart that we tell you our father Denis Law has sadly passed away. He fought a tough battle, but finally, he is now at peace.

“We would like to thank everyone who contributed to his wellbeing and care, past and much more recently.

“We know how much people supported and loved him and that love was always appreciated and made the difference.”

The Aberdeen-born footballer previously announced in August 2021 that he had been diagnosed with dementia.

A prolific striker, Law scored 237 goals in 404 appearances for Manchester United, for whom he signed for a then-British record transfer fee in 1962.

He is the only man to have two statues dedicated to him at Old Trafford – one on the Stretford End concourse, the other as part of the United Trinity statue overlooking the stadium’s forecourt beside fellow great George Best and Sir Bobby Charlton.

The only Scottish player to have won the Ballon d’Or award, in 1964, he was also part of United’s triumphant campaign in the 1968 European Cup – in which they became the first English club to ever win the competition.

In a statement, the club said: “Everyone at Manchester United is mourning the loss of Denis Law, the King of the Stretford End, who has passed away, aged 84.

“He will always be celebrated as one of the club’s greatest and most beloved players.

“The ultimate goalscorer, his flair, spirit and love for the game made him the hero of a generation. Our deepest condolences go out to Denis’s family and many friends. His memory will live on forever more.”

Wayne Rooney, former United captain and the club’s all-time record goalscorer, described Law as a “legend”.

“Thoughts with all Denis’s family and friends,” he said in an online post.

Another former United captain, Gary Neville, said: “A great footballer and a great man. It’s a privilege and an honour to have spent time in your company. The King of the Stretford End.”

A tribute from the Scotland national team said Law was “a true great”.

“We will not see his likes again,” it said.

Law also played for Huddersfield Town, Manchester City, and Italian club Torino during his club career, and made 55 appearances for Scotland, scoring 30 goals for his country.

Manchester City said in a post on X: “The whole of Manchester, including everyone at City, is mourning with you. Rest in peace, Denis.”

UK

FTSE 100 closes at record high

Published

5 hours ago

January 17, 2025

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The UK’s benchmark stock index has reached another record high.

The FTSE 100 index of most valuable companies on the London Stock Exchange closed at 8,505.69, breaking the record set last May.

It had already broken its intraday high at 8532.58 on Friday afternoon, meaning it reached a high not seen before during trading hours.

Money blog: Major boost for mortgage holders

The weakened pound has boosted many of the 100 companies forming the top-flight index.

Why is this happening?

Most are not based in the UK, so a less valuable pound means their sterling-priced shares are cheaper to buy for people using other currencies, typically US dollars.

This makes the shares better value, prompting more to be bought. This greater demand has brought up the prices and the FTSE 100.

The pound has been hovering below $1.22 for much of Friday. It’s steadily fallen from being worth $1.34 in late September.

Also spurring the new record are market expectations for more interest rate cuts in 2025, something which would make borrowing cheaper and likely kickstart spending.

What is the FTSE 100?

The index is made up of many mining and international oil and gas companies, as well as household name UK banks and supermarkets.

Familiar to a UK audience are lenders such as Barclays, Natwest, HSBC and Lloyds and supermarket chains Tesco, Marks & Spencer and Sainsbury’s.

Other well-known names include Rolls-Royce, Unilever, easyJet, BT Group and Next.

FTSE stands for Financial Times Stock Exchange.

If a company’s share price drops significantly it can slip outside of the FTSE 100 and into the larger and more UK-based FTSE 250 index.

The inverse works for the FTSE 250 companies, the 101st to 250th most valuable firms on the London Stock Exchange. If their share price rises significantly they could move into the FTSE 100.

A good close for markets

It’s a good end of the week for markets, entirely reversing the rise in borrowing costs that plagued Chancellor Rachel Reeves for the past ten days.

Fears of long-lasting high borrowing costs drove speculation she would have to cut spending to meet self-imposed fiscal rules to balance the budget and bring down debt by 2030.

Long-term government borrowing had reached a high not seen since 1998 while the benchmark 10-year cost of government borrowing, as measured by 10-year gilt yields, was at levels last seen around the 2008 financial crisis.

The gilt yield is effectively the interest rate investors demand to lend money to the UK government.

Only the pound has yet to recover the losses incurred during the market turbulence. Without that dropped price, however, the FTSE 100 record may not have happened.

Also acting to reduce sterling value is the chance of more interest rates. Currencies tend to weaken when interest rates are cut.

UK

Nazi-obsessed terrorist Callum Parslow jailed after trying to murder asylum seeker at Worcestershire hotel

Published

5 hours ago

January 17, 2025

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Nazi-obsessed terrorist Callum Parslow jailed after trying to murder asylum seeker at Worcestershire hotel

A Nazi-obsessed man has been jailed for attempted murder after he stabbed an asylum seeker in a terrorist attack.

Callum Parslow was handed a life sentence and will serve a minimum of 22 years and eight months in prison after he knifed the man at a Worcestershire hotel on 2 April last year, as a “protest” against small boat crossings.

The victim, Nahom Hagos, from Eritrea, said it was a “miracle” he survived after being stabbed in the chest and hand.

Parslow, 32, has Hitler’s signature tattooed on his arm and used a £770 knife he had bought online to attack Mr Hagos when he was eating in the conservatory of the Pear Tree Inn at Hindlip.

During sentencing, the judge, Mr Justice Dove, told Parslow: “You committed a vicious and unprovoked assault on a complete stranger Nahom Hagos who suffered devastating injuries as a result of your violence.”

The judge also said Parslow, from Worcester, was “motivated by your adoption of a far-right neo-Nazi mindset which fuelled your warped, violent and racist views”, and added: “This was undoubtedly a terrorist attack.”

He was found guilty of attempted murder in October last year.

Leicester Crown Court heard at the time that Mr Hagos, who used to live at the hotel, was visiting a friend and was stabbed after Parslow asked him for directions to the toilet.

CCTV from the scene showed Mr Hagos fleeing to a car park and being chased by Parslow. He was able to run back into the main reception area, where the hotel manager locked the front door.

Parslow later re-entered through another door apparently searching for further victims, the court heard.

The hotel manager and a builder used a van to take Mr Hagos to hospital in Worcester, as they felt he was losing too much blood, where he was found to have an 8cm-long wound which had not penetrated any of his vital organs.

After trying to kill Mr Hagos, Parslow ran towards a canal and was spotted with what appeared to be blood on his hands.

Officers found blood containing a DNA profile matching that of the victim on the blade of the knife abandoned by Parslow.

Failed manifesto post

After the stabbing and as police closed in, Parslow tried to post a “terrorist manifesto” on X, tagging Tommy Robinson and politicians including Nigel Farage, Suella Braverman and Sir Keir Starmer.

He wrote that he “just did my duty to England” and had tried to “exterminate” Mr Hagos. However, it failed to send as he copied in too many people.

Others on his list included Laurence Fox, Lee Anderson, Boris Johnson, Donald Trump and various news organisations.

Nazi memorabilia at bedsit

During the trial last October, the court heard an axe, metal baseball bat and a second knife were found at Parslow’s bedsit in Bromyard Terrace in Worcester.

Police also discovered a swastika armband, a Nazi-era medallion and copies of Hitler’s book Mein Kampf.

Jurors were also told Parslow had Hitler’s signature tattooed on his arm “in order to demonstrate his affiliation to the ideals of the leader of the German Nazi party”.

He also pleaded guilty to an unconnected sexual offence and two charges of sending electronic communications with intent to cause distress and anxiety at the time.

‘The pain feels unbearable’

Mr Hagos told the court in an impact statement he continues to feel “excruciating pain” in his hand after the attack by Parslow.

Read out by the prosecution on Friday, he said: “The pain is unbearable and keeps me awake all night long.

“The pain feels like an electric shock going through my hand and I now have insomnia.”

He then said he had been “living and pursuing a happy life before the incident,” but added: “I feel lonely and don’t feel safe on the street.

“My life has been turned upside down.”