‘I can’t defend what he did’: Why I stayed with my child sex offender husband

Published

2 years ago

December 4, 2023

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Sarah* was a “smug married” woman with a “middle-class, middle-everything life”, before a knock on the door brought her world crashing down.

Early one morning, the day before her son’s birthday, she awoke to find police officers in her bedroom. Her husband was standing there with the police – their “really average” life would never be the same again.

“The first thing I knew, the doorbell was ringing,” she says. Shame-faced, her husband – who was always a stickler for following rules – said he had been arrested.

When she asked him why, he just replied: “Images.”

He was quickly escorted out by officers and taken away for questioning. Hundreds of indecent images of children had been found on his computer, including three Category A – the most serious.

As every corner of their home – cupboards, drawers, the attic and garage – was searched, a panicked Sarah asked the forensic officers if they wanted a cup of tea. Then a detective sat her down in their usually neat living room, and described the illegal images her husband had viewed in such detail it left her wondering if “they wanted to add to the shock value”.

She is still haunted by the memory of her two children crying, while police ransacked their house. “I didn’t really focus on them,” she says, her voice cracking. “In hindsight, I should have been with the children and ignored everything else.”

A working mother in her late-40s, Sarah is neatly dressed and well-spoken. The horror of that moment will never leave her, but she hopes that telling her story might help anyone going through something similar.

She sips a cup of tea, while reflecting on the nightmare that rocked her family’s life several years ago. Police, informally, call this type of arrest “The Knock”.

It is a raid on the home where every electronic and telecommunications device in the property is searched for, scanned on-site or confiscated.

All her photographs of her children from the day they were born to the day of the arrest were lost, Sarah says, because they were stored on the main computer, alongside the child abuse images.

After he was convicted, the judge ordered the computer to be destroyed.

Typically, warrants are executed early in the morning to reduce the chance of an offender destroying possible evidence. But that can make it more likely that children will be home at the time of arrest.

For Sarah, the feeling of being judged was overwhelming. Their house was in a small cul-de-sac and she was certain her neighbours would call and ask what was going on: “It was obvious something big was happening in our house.”

But the phone never rang.

After his initial arrest that day, Sarah’s husband was bailed and returned to the family home. The pair sat down on the sofa and had a long conversation about the future. But a few hours later, social services arrived and told him to pack a bag and go.

“I was in a state of shock, the children were beside themselves. My husband was confused, and quite rightly, in a state of utter shame.”

Months of agonising followed but in the end Sarah decided to support her husband and keep the family together. While she would “never defend” what he did, she says, her children were a “huge factor” in her decision.

Her husband was eventually found guilty of viewing and copying more than 500 indecent images of children, aged 11 to 18. A year after their home was raided, he received a community sentence.

To help her cope, Sarah tried to understand what was going through his mind and what motivated him to look at those images. She also spoke to experts to find out how likely it was he would move from looking at images to offending against children.

She was psychologically tested and questioned by social services and other agencies, as they asked her to justify her choice. Her children also underwent questioning.

At the same time, Sarah says she and the children received no support for the trauma that had been caused to them by her husband’s crime, which new research shows can induce the same level of post-traumatic stress as war-zone combat.

“I felt so isolated,” she says. “They made it clear to me that I was unique in my decision.”

But anecdotally, police say around 50% of people choose to stay with their sex offender partners. “There must be more than me in the UK, that choose to stay as well? But how do you come across those people? Because nobody would ever, ever, talk about it openly,” she says.

In England and Wales, police forces make more than 850 arrests a month for online child sex offences. The majority of suspects are men who can have families living with them at the time of the offence.

Thousands of children every year now have to deal with the vicarious shame and stigma that’s associated with such a crime.

Dr Theresa Redmond, a professor for the eastern region policing institute at Anglia Ruskin University, describes the situation for those affected as a “high risk in terms of self-harm, suicide ideation”, especially once all the other emotional, financial and physical impacts are taken into account.

Many families, like Sarah’s, move home and put their children in different schools to avoid being targeted once the crime becomes known. But – whether or not partners choose to stay with the offender – there is no mandatory support for families.

“The police left some leaflets with my husband,” Sarah tells me, “for support for him.” For her and the children, she says, “There was nothing.”

Now, her family are trying to make a new start.

But the reality is wherever they go the shadow of her husband’s crime will always follow them: “If we go to a doctor’s appointment, it is on the file. If we go to the paediatrician, it’s on the file. The school, it’s on the file.”

Every time the doorbell rings, she feels a sense of dread. “I don’t answer the door anymore.”

She also harbours fears for the future implications of her choice to stay. Her children say they love their father and have forgiven him but she is worried about what happens when they grow up.

“If they have children and tell their partners what happened, will they then decide that my husband and I aren’t appropriate to get involved with their children?” she says, sounding fearful.

“I’ll never escape the choice I made.”

*Names have been changed

Anyone feeling emotionally distressed or suicidal can call Samaritans for help on 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org in the UK. In the US, call the Samaritans branch in your area or 1 (800) 273-TALK

UK

Royal Navy intercepts Russian warship and tanker

Published

2 hours ago

November 23, 2025

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Royal Navy intercepts Russian warship and tanker

A Royal Navy patrol ship has intercepted two Russian vessels off the UK coast, the Ministry of Defence has said.

It comes after Defence Secretary John Healey announced last Wednesday that lasers from Russian spy ship the Yantar were directed at RAF pilots tracking it, in an attempt to disrupt the monitoring.

The MoD said on Sunday that in a “round-the-clock shadowing operation”, the Royal Navy ship HMS Severn has intercepted Russian warship RFN Stoikiy and tanker Yelnya off the UK coast in the past fortnight.

The Russian vessels sailed through the Dover Strait and westward through the English Channel, the MoD said.

HMS Severn later handed over monitoring duties to a NATO ally off the coast of Brittany, France, it said, but continued to watch from a distance and remained ready to respond to any unexpected activity.

The ministry added that the UK’s armed forces are on patrol “from the English Channel to the High North” amid increased Russian activity threatening UK waters.

Last week, Russia accused the British government of “provocative statements” after the defence secretary warned the Yantar was nearing the UK.

At a news conference in Downing Street on Wednesday, Mr Healey said the spy ship was on the edge of British waters north of Scotland, having entered wider UK waters over the last few weeks.

He said it was the second time this year the Yantar had been deployed off the UK coast and he claimed it was “designed for gathering intelligence and mapping our undersea cables”.

Mr Healey said the ship had “directed lasers” at pilots of a P-8 surveillance aircraft monitoring its activities – a Russian action he deemed “deeply dangerous”.

In a clear message to Russian President Vladimir Putin, the defence secretary said: “We see you. We know what you are doing. And we are ready.”

The ministry said while tracking the Yantar, Royal Navy frigate HMS Somerset and other civilian ships in the area “experienced GPS jamming in a further demonstration of unprofessional behaviour, intended to be disruptive and a nuisance”.

Russia’s UK embassy dismissed the accusations and insisted the Yantar is a research ship in international waters.

The defence secretary also repeated government plans to increase defence spending and work with NATO allies to bolster European security.

And he stressed how plans to buy weapons and build arms factories will create jobs and economic growth.

A report by a group of MPs, also released on Wednesday, underlined the scale of the challenge the UK faces.

It accused the government of lacking a national plan to defend itself from attack.

The Defence Select Committee also warned that Mr Healey, the prime minister and the rest of the cabinet are moving at a “glacial” pace to fix the issue and are failing to launch a “national conversation on defence and security” – something Sir Keir Starmer had promised last year.

The UK has seen a 30% increase in Russian vessels threatening UK waters in the past two years, according to the MoD.

But the ministry maintained the UK has a wide range of military options at its disposal to keep UK waters safe.

Three RAF P-8 Poseidon aircraft have deployed to Keflavik Air Base in Iceland in the largest overseas deployment of the RAF P-8 fleet so far, the MoD said.

They are conducting surveillance operations as part of NATO’s collective defence, patrolling for Russian ships and submarines in the North Atlantic and Arctic.

The operations come just weeks after HMS Duncan tracked the movements of Russian destroyer Vice Admiral Kulakov, and frigate HMS Iron Duke was dispatched to monitor Russian Kilo-class submarine Novorossiysk.

UK

Ban on Maccabi Tel Aviv fans for Aston Villa game ‘based on false hooligan claims’

Published

2 hours ago

November 23, 2025

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Ban on Maccabi Tel Aviv fans for Aston Villa game 'based on false hooligan claims'

West Midlands Police has defended the ban on Maccabi Tel Aviv fans attending an Aston Villa match after it was claimed that false intelligence was used.

Supporters of the Israeli club were barred from the Europa League fixture at Villa Park on 6 November.

West Midlands Police chief superintendent Tom Joyce told Sky News before the game that a “section” of Maccabi’s fanbase engaged in “quite significant levels of hooliganism”.

According to The Sunday Times, West Midlands Police claimed in a confidential dossier that when Maccabi played Ajax in Amsterdam last year, Israeli fans threw “innocent members of the public into the river”, and added that between 500 and 600 supporters had “intentionally targeted Muslim communities”.

The report also said 5,000 Dutch police officers had been deployed in response.

However, the Netherlands’ national police force has questioned the claims, reportedly describing information cited by its British officers as “not true” and in some instances obviously inaccurate.

Sebastiaan Meijer, a spokesman for the Amsterdam division, told The Sunday Times that he was “surprised” by allegations in the West Midlands Police report, which had linked 200 travelling supporters to the Israel Defence Forces (IDF).

Mr Meijer denied that his force had such intelligence, adding that the claim was meaningless given the country had a policy of conscription.

Also, Mr Meijer said that Amsterdam’s force “does not recognise” the claim in the British report, attributed to Dutch law enforcement, that Israelis were “highly organised, skilled fighters with a serious desire and will to fight with police and opposing groups”.

The Dutch police added that the only known case of a fan being in the river appeared to involve a Maccabi supporter. While being filmed, he was told he could leave the water on the condition that he said “Free Palestine”.

In an interview with Sky News before the game, West Midlands Police referenced disorder when Maccabi played Ajax in Amsterdam last November.

Mr Joyce said ahead of the Villa Park match: “We’ve had examples where a section of Maccabi fans were targeting people not involved in football matches, and certainly we had an incident in Amsterdam last year which has informed some of our decision-making.

“So it is exclusively a decision we made on the basis of the behaviour of a sub-section of Maccabi fans, but all the reaction that could occur obviously formed part of that as well.”

Maccabi’s visit to Birmingham came amid heightened tensions due to Israel’s war on Hamas in Gaza.

A safety advisory group (SAG) recommended that Maccabi fans should be banned from attending the fixture on the advice of the police. The ban drew criticism, and Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer said it was the “wrong decision”.

West Midland Police’s statement in full

Following The Sunday Times report, West Midlands Police stood by its “information and intelligence”, adding that the “Maccabi Fanatics… posed a credible threat to safety”.

In a statement to Sky News, the force said: “West Midlands Police’s evaluation was based primarily on information and intelligence and had public safety at its heart.

“We assessed the fixture between Ajax and Maccabi Tel Aviv in Amsterdam as having involved significant public disorder.

“We met with Dutch police on 1 October, where information relating to that 2024 fixture was shared with us.

“Informed by information and intelligence, we concluded that Maccabi Tel Aviv supporters – specifically the subgroup known as the Maccabi Fanatics – posed a credible threat to public safety.

“The submission made to the SAG safety advisory group was based on information and intelligence which helped shape understanding of the risks.

“West Midlands Police commissioned a peer review, which was conducted by UKFPU [United Kingdom Policing Unit], the NPCC [National Police Chiefs’ Council] and subject matter experts.

“This review, carried out on 20 October, fully endorsed the force’s approach and decision-making.

“We are satisfied that the policing strategy and operational plan was effective, proportionate, and maintained the city’s reputation as a safe and welcoming place for everyone.”

Sky News has approached Dutch police for comment.

UK

Titanic couple’s pocket watch sells for record £1.78m

Published

2 hours ago

November 23, 2025

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Titanic couple's pocket watch sells for record £1.78m

A gold pocket watch that belonged to an elderly couple who drowned as the Titanic sunk has sold for a record-breaking £1.78m at auction.

The 18-carat Jules Jurgensen engraved watch was owned by first class passenger Isidor Straus, who died when the ship sank in April 1912.

He and his wife Ida were portrayed in the film Titanic as a couple who held each other as the ship went down.

When he was offered a seat on a lifeboat due to his age, he replied that he would not go before other men.

His wife refused to leave him, and the couple were last seen alive sitting on deckchairs, facing fate by each other’s side.

They were among very few first class passengers to perish in the disaster.

The watch was recovered from Mr Straus’s body along with other personal items and returned to his family.

It had been a present for his 43rd birthday in 1888 – the same year he became a partner in the New York department store, Macy’s.

The watch, which had remained in the couple’s family, was sold at Henry Aldridge & Son Auctioneers in Devizes, Wiltshire.

The £1.78m for the item is the highest amount ever paid for Titanic memorabilia, according to the company.

A letter written by Mrs Straus on Titanic stationery and posted while onboard the ship fetched £100,000.

The previous record was set last year when another gold pocket watch presented to the captain of a boat that rescued over 700 passengers from the liner sold for £1.56m.