Connect with us

Published

on

In a stunningly brave act of stunningly brave stunning bravery, the entire journalistic staff of the Atlantic has declared that Donald Trump, if re-elected, will become a dictator. No other journalistic outlet has made such a stunningly brave claim except the New York Times, the Washington Post, USA Today, Reuters, the Associated Press, NBC, ABC, CBS, CNN, MSNBC, National Review, Fox News though only in private emails and the New Yorker. And Cosmopolitan. And also Esquire. And that guy who says he used to be a journalist but now just hangs out in Herald Square using his dental fillings to contact Venus where journalists have also declared that Trump will be a dictator, which is an act of stunning bravery for Venutians who are normally a more timid, reticent race of people due to the fact they dont exist sort of like the intelligence of American journalists.

What makes the Atlantics stunningly brave claim that Trump will be a dictator both more stunning and also more brave than the other stunningly brave claims that Trump will be a dictator made by all the other stunningly brave news outlets, is that just before the stunningly brave claim was made by the Atlantic, Atlantic executive editor Adrienne Hysterical actually received a visitation from the Ghost of National Review, warning her in a hollow ghostly moan, Do not dedicate your entire staff to a Never Trump issue or you will become completely irrelevant like me. Miss Hysterical ignored the warning, however, because it came from National Review and no one listens to them anymore. WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show

Atlantic staff journalist Susan Hysterical no relation to Adrienne Hysterical, just another hysterical woman in the news business but anyway, Atlantic staff journalist Susan Hysterical said she was committed to taking the stunningly brave step of predicting Trump would be a dictator, even though some people might call her Hysterical because that was her name, and also because she was hysterical.

Speaking to a room of confused oceanographers who had shown up at the wrong meeting, Miss Hysterical said, If Donald Trump is re-elected, he will move to prosecute his political opponents, silence those who disagree with him on social media, use the FBI to raid the homes of dissenters in the dead of night, and sentence protestors to extraordinarily long terms in prison for misdemeanors clearly incited by federal agents.

The oceanographers, who had come expecting to see the Atlantic, but instead had found only a hysterical journalist named Hysterical, pointed out that Democrats were already doing all those dictatorial things to Trump and his supporters. Miss Hysterical responded, Yes, but thats different because Democrats are good people who can be counted on to sexualize children, demonize whites, degrade blacks, hate Jews and rationalize the unimaginable atrocities of Islamist terrorists in the name of an insane academic ideology, so when they violate every tenet of good American governance, its okay. By the way, this is the Atlantic magazine, not the ocean.

Another Atlantic staffer at the press conference for confused oceanographers was Denarius Hyperventilation, who was also not related to Adrienne Hysterical, though he did identify as a hysterical woman and had even had his testicles removed so he could work in mainstream journalism. Mr. Hyperventilation told the oceanographers, When I stand on the shores of this magazine, looking across the waves to Europe, I am deeply disturbed by the rise of the far right and their phobic opposition to being slaughtered by Islamists. I fear that slaughter-phobia may come to America, if American voters end democracy by practicing democracy.

Meanwhile, in a Fox News town hall with former Sean Hannity Sean Hannity, Donald Trump himself was asked if he planned to become a dictator. Mr. Trump responded, I will absolutely become a dictator. I am sick and tired of writing my own memos, so my staff better learn to take dictation because when I am done dictating, people in both parties will say this is the best dictating that any dictator has ever done, maybe even better than Napoleon, who was dictating in French so who even knows what the hell he was talking about. Also, Ill put all those Democrat bastards in prison where they belong.

* * *

Andrew Klavan is the host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, The House of Love and Death, is now available. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan

This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of The Andrew Klavan Show.

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

Continue Reading

Entertainment

TV presenter Jay Blades appears in court charged with two counts of rape

Published

on

By

TV presenter Jay Blades appears in court charged with two counts of rape

TV presenter Jay Blades has appeared in court charged with two counts of rape.

The 55-year-old appeared via video link at Telford Magistrates’ Court and spoke only to confirm his name, address and date of birth at the six-minute hearing on Wednesday.

Blades, from Claverley in Shropshire, was granted conditional bail to appear at Shrewsbury Crown Court on 10 September.

He was not required to enter pleas during his first appearance.

The presenter found fame on the furniture restoration programme The Repair Shop after he started presenting in 2017.

A furniture restorer, he was the face of the popular BBC show that featured people having their treasured objects repaired and rejuvenated until he stepped back from presenting the programme last year.

Read more from Sky News:
Backlash over police vans with facial recognition
New questions for driving theory tests

Blades was also the presenter of the BBC’s Money For Nothing until 2020 and took part in Celebrity Masterchef, Celebrity Bake Off, and Comic Relief.

Continue Reading

Sports

OU’s Mateer denies gambling, was ‘inside joke’

Published

on

By

OU's Mateer denies gambling, was 'inside joke'

Oklahoma starting quarterback John Mateer, after screenshots of past references to “sports gambling” on his Venmo account surfaced online Monday, denied ever being involved with gambling, saying Tuesday it was instead “inside jokes” with his friends.

School officials became aware of the screenshots late Monday night and are looking into the situation, a source told ESPN’s Pete Thamel.

“The allegations that I once participated in sports gambling are false,” Mateer posted to X on Tuesday. “My previous Venmo descriptions did not accurately portray the transactions in question but were instead inside jokes between me and my friends.

“I have never bet on sports. I understand the seriousness of the matter but recognize that, taken out of context, those Venmo descriptions suggest otherwise. I can assure my teammates, coaches, and officials at the NCAA that I have not engaged in any sports gambling.”

Screenshots posted online Monday night showed Mateer allegedly twice included “sports gambling” in memos for transactions on Nov. 20, 2022, while he was a freshman at Washington State. Both transactions were allegedly made to a Venmo account for Richard Roaten, believed to be a teammate at Washington State at the time.

College athletes are prohibited from betting on any sport offered by the NCAA, with penalties up to loss of eligibility.

OU Athletics issued a statement saying it “takes any allegations of gambling seriously and works closely with the NCAA in any situation of concern.” The school said its “unaware of any NCAA investigation and has no reason to believe there is one pending.”

Mateer, the No. 1 overall player in ESPN’s portal rankings, transferred to Oklahoma from Washington State this offseason. He passed for 3,139 yards and 29 touchdowns last season, his third with the Cougars.

Oklahoma is ranked 18th in the first Associated Press Top 25 poll. The Sooners open their season at home Aug. 30 against Illinois State.

Continue Reading

Sports

Kreul intentions: Five-star DE picks Sooners

Published

on

By

Kreul intentions: Five-star DE picks Sooners

Oklahoma secured its most significant commitment yet in the 2026 recruiting cycle on Tuesday when defensive end Jake Kreul, No. 22 in the 2026 ESPN 300, announced his pledge to the Sooners on “The Pat McAfee Show.”

Kreul, a 6-foot-3, 235-pound edge rusher from Florida’s IMG Academy, entered August as the lone remaining uncommitted among the 23 five-star prospects in ESPN’s prospect rankings for the 2026 cycle. He chose Oklahoma over Ole Miss and Texas following a slate of official visits this spring that included trips to all three finalists as well as Colorado, Florida and Ohio State.

Kreul lands with the Sooners as the 16th overall pledge and only the third ESPN 300 commit in Oklahoma coach Brent Venables’ 2026 recruiting class following the program’s 6-7 finish to the 2024 season. Kreul now stands as the top-ranked member of Venables’ latest class alongside fellow top-300 pledges in No. 5 dual-threat quarterback Bowe Bentley (No. 168 overall) and wide receiver Daniel Odom (No. 258). If Kreul ultimately signs later this year, it will represent Oklahoma’s fourth consecutive cycle with at least one five-star addition dating to the 2023 class.

Kruel took part in the 2025 Under Armour All-America Game earlier this year and will enter his senior season at IMG Academy this fall. One of the most polished defensive prospects in the 2026 class, he closed his junior campaign in 2025 with 39 tackles, 11 hurries and 6 sacks.

Oklahoma joined the likes of Florida and Ole Miss among the first major programs to prominently enter the mix for Kreul’s commitment nearly two years ago. Kreul told ESPN last month that his relationships with Sooners defensive line assistants Todd Bates and Miguel Chavis, along with Venables’ background of nearly two decades as a defensive coordinator were driving factors in his heavy interest in Oklahoma.

“The opportunity to play for a defensive-minded head coach and one of the best minds in the sport in coach Venables is something you may not get at every school,” Kreul said. “That piece is something that’s been very present for me throughout in terms of building my relationship with Oklahoma.”

Kreul now stands as the seventh defender bound for Oklahoma in 2026 and a cornerstone member of the Sooners’ latest class. Along the defensive line, Oklahoma also holds pledges from three-star defensive tackle Brian Harris and defensive ends Matthew Nelson and Daniel Norman.

Continue Reading

Trending