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In a stunningly brave act of stunningly brave stunning bravery, the entire journalistic staff of the Atlantic has declared that Donald Trump, if re-elected, will become a dictator. No other journalistic outlet has made such a stunningly brave claim except the New York Times, the Washington Post, USA Today, Reuters, the Associated Press, NBC, ABC, CBS, CNN, MSNBC, National Review, Fox News though only in private emails and the New Yorker. And Cosmopolitan. And also Esquire. And that guy who says he used to be a journalist but now just hangs out in Herald Square using his dental fillings to contact Venus where journalists have also declared that Trump will be a dictator, which is an act of stunning bravery for Venutians who are normally a more timid, reticent race of people due to the fact they dont exist sort of like the intelligence of American journalists.

What makes the Atlantics stunningly brave claim that Trump will be a dictator both more stunning and also more brave than the other stunningly brave claims that Trump will be a dictator made by all the other stunningly brave news outlets, is that just before the stunningly brave claim was made by the Atlantic, Atlantic executive editor Adrienne Hysterical actually received a visitation from the Ghost of National Review, warning her in a hollow ghostly moan, Do not dedicate your entire staff to a Never Trump issue or you will become completely irrelevant like me. Miss Hysterical ignored the warning, however, because it came from National Review and no one listens to them anymore. WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show

Atlantic staff journalist Susan Hysterical no relation to Adrienne Hysterical, just another hysterical woman in the news business but anyway, Atlantic staff journalist Susan Hysterical said she was committed to taking the stunningly brave step of predicting Trump would be a dictator, even though some people might call her Hysterical because that was her name, and also because she was hysterical.

Speaking to a room of confused oceanographers who had shown up at the wrong meeting, Miss Hysterical said, If Donald Trump is re-elected, he will move to prosecute his political opponents, silence those who disagree with him on social media, use the FBI to raid the homes of dissenters in the dead of night, and sentence protestors to extraordinarily long terms in prison for misdemeanors clearly incited by federal agents.

The oceanographers, who had come expecting to see the Atlantic, but instead had found only a hysterical journalist named Hysterical, pointed out that Democrats were already doing all those dictatorial things to Trump and his supporters. Miss Hysterical responded, Yes, but thats different because Democrats are good people who can be counted on to sexualize children, demonize whites, degrade blacks, hate Jews and rationalize the unimaginable atrocities of Islamist terrorists in the name of an insane academic ideology, so when they violate every tenet of good American governance, its okay. By the way, this is the Atlantic magazine, not the ocean.

Another Atlantic staffer at the press conference for confused oceanographers was Denarius Hyperventilation, who was also not related to Adrienne Hysterical, though he did identify as a hysterical woman and had even had his testicles removed so he could work in mainstream journalism. Mr. Hyperventilation told the oceanographers, When I stand on the shores of this magazine, looking across the waves to Europe, I am deeply disturbed by the rise of the far right and their phobic opposition to being slaughtered by Islamists. I fear that slaughter-phobia may come to America, if American voters end democracy by practicing democracy.

Meanwhile, in a Fox News town hall with former Sean Hannity Sean Hannity, Donald Trump himself was asked if he planned to become a dictator. Mr. Trump responded, I will absolutely become a dictator. I am sick and tired of writing my own memos, so my staff better learn to take dictation because when I am done dictating, people in both parties will say this is the best dictating that any dictator has ever done, maybe even better than Napoleon, who was dictating in French so who even knows what the hell he was talking about. Also, Ill put all those Democrat bastards in prison where they belong.

* * *

Andrew Klavan is the host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, The House of Love and Death, is now available. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan

This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of The Andrew Klavan Show.

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

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UK

VE Day: Veterans to join King for tea party as Keir Starmer praises ‘selfless dedication’

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VE Day: Veterans to join King for tea party as Keir Starmer praises 'selfless dedication'

Veterans are set to join the King for a VE Day tea party today as the prime minister has paid tribute to the “selfless dedication” of the war generation.

Among them will be a 99-year-old who took part in the D-Day landings and a 100-year-old woman who worked in the Special Operations Executive, known as Churchill’s Secret Army.

Director general of the Royal British Legion, Mark Atkinson, said the charity was “proud” to be taking a place “at the heart of these national celebrations and commemorations” on the 80th anniversary of the end of the Second World War.

He said it would be “one of our last opportunities as a nation to pay tribute to those veterans still with us today”.

Evacuees from World War Two and veterans who were still in active conflict after VE Day are among the other guests set to attend the tea party, which will take place in the presence of the King and other members of the Royal Family.

The Royal Family will watch a millitary procession and flypast on Monday. File pic: PA
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The Royal Family will watch a military procession and flypast on Monday. File pic: PA

At 12pm, the Royal Family will observe a military procession, followed by a flypast.

It will be the first major VE Day anniversary without any of the royals who stood on the balcony of Buckingham Palace on the day victory in Europe was declared, after the death of the late Queen Elizabeth II in 2022.

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‘Not just for Britain’

The celebrations come as Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer praised veterans for their “selfless dedication” and thanked them for a “debt that can never fully be repaid” in an open letter ahead of VE Day.

He said the stories which will be heard this week from those who fought in the Second World War would be a reminder that the victory “was not just for Britain” but was also “a victory for good against the assembled forces of hatred, tyranny and evil”.

Sir Keir said the WW2 veterans “represent the best of who we are” and that without their service “the freedom, peace and joy that these celebrations embody, would not be possible”.

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VE Day veteran tells Sky News what the atmosphere was like when WWII was finally declared over in Europe

Personnel from NATO allies the US, France and Germany will be among those taking part in the procession in London.

The commemorations will begin with the words of Sir Winston Churchill‘s 1945 victory speech, spoken by actor Timothy Spall.

Thousands of people are expected to line the streets of the capital to witness the celebrations.

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Codebreaker’s ‘special’ encounter with Churchill

Read more:
What’s happening to mark the 80th anniversary of VE Day?
When and where to watch VE Day flypast
Augmented reality brings to life the stories of VE Day 80 years on

On the anniversary itself on Thursday, marking exactly 80 years since the Allies formally accepted Germany’s surrender, a service of commemoration will be held at Westminster Abbey, to include a national two minutes’ silence.

Pubs across England and Wales, which usually close at 11pm, will also stay open for an extra two hours to allow punters more time to celebrate.

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Sports

Logano gets 1st win this season in OT at Texas

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Logano gets 1st win this season in OT at Texas

FORT WORTH, Texas — Reigning NASCAR Cup champion Joey Logano overcame a lot to get his first victory this season.

It came a week after Team Penske teammate Austin Cindric‘s win at Talladega, where Logano had a fifth-place finish that became 39th after a postrace inspection found an issue with the spoiler on his No. 22 Ford. There was also Logano’s expletive-laden rant on the radio toward his teammate in the middle of that race that the two smoothed out during the week. Oh, and he started 27th at Texas after a bad qualifying effort on the 1½-mile track.

But Logano surged ahead on the restart in overtime Sunday to win in the 11th race this year. He led only seven of the 271 laps, four more than scheduled.

“After what happened last week, to be able to rebound and come right back, it’s a total ’22’ way of doing things. So proud of the team,” Logano said.

On the final restart after the 12th caution, Logano was on the inside of his other teammate, Ryan Blaney. But Logano pulled away on the backstretch and stayed easily in front for the final 1½ laps, while Ross Chastain then passed Blaney to finish second ahead of him.

“Just slowly, methodically,” Logano said of his progression to the front. “Just kept grinding, a couple here and a couple there and eventually get a win here.”

Logano got his 37th career victory, getting the lead for the first time on Lap 264. He went low to complete a pass of Michael McDowell.

“I mean, there’s always a story next week, right?” Logano said. “So I told my wife last week before we left, I said, ‘Watch me go win this one.’ It’s just how we do stuff.”

On a caution with 47 laps left, McDowell took only two tires and moved up 15 spots to second. He ended up leading 19 laps, but got loose a few laps after getting passed by Logano and crashed to bring out the caution that sent the race to overtime. He finished 26th.

“We were giving it everything we had there to try to keep track position,” McDowell said. “Joey got a run there, and I tried to block it. I went as far as I think you could probably go. When Blaney slid in front of me, it just took the air off of it and I just lost the back of it. I still had the fight in me, but I probably should have conceded at that point.”

Odds and Ends

William Byron, Kyle Larson, Denny Hamlin and Chase Elliott remained the top four in season points. … Elliott left Texas last spring with his first victory after 42 races and 18 months without one. He hasn’t won since, and now has another long winless drought — this one 38 races and nearly 13 months after finishing 16th. … A crew member for Christopher Bell crawled in through the passenger side of the No. 20 Joe Gibbs Racing Toyota and was fully in the car to reconnect an air hose to the driver’s helmet during a caution in the second stage. It took two stops during that caution, and twice climbing into the car, to resolve the issue.

Fiery end to Hamlin streak

Hamlin had finished on the lead lap in 21 consecutive races, but a fiery finish on Lap 75 ended that streak that had matched the eighth longest in NASCAR history. He was the first car out of the race.

After the No. 11 Joe Gibbs Racing Toyota lost power, something blew up when Hamlin recycled the engine. Flames were coming from under the car and it was engulfed in smoke when it rolled to a stop on the inside of the track, and Hamlin climbed out unharmed.

Youngest pole sitter

Carson Hocevar, the 22-year-old driver who is McDowell’s teammate with Spire Motorsports, was the youngest pole sitter in Texas. He led only the first 22 laps of the race, losing it while pitting during the first caution. He finished 24th after a late accident.

Stage cautions

Both in-race stages finished under caution. Cindric won Stage 1 after Hamlin’s issues, and Kyle Larson took the second after a yellow flag came out because of debris on the track after the right rear tire on Chris Buescher‘s car came apart.

Larson got his 68th overall stage win and his sixth at Texas, with both marks being records. He has won a stage in each of the past five Cup races at Texas, starting in his 2021 win there.

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US

Trump calls for reopening of Alcatraz to house ‘most ruthless and violent offenders’

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Trump calls for reopening of Alcatraz to house 'most ruthless and violent offenders'

US President Donald Trump has called for the reopening of notorious prison Alcatraz.

In a post on his social media site Truth Social, Mr Trump said America had been “plagued by vicious, violent, and repeat criminal offenders”.

He added that when the United States was “a more serious nation” it “did not hesitate to lock up the most dangerous criminals”.

“That is why, today, I am directing the Bureau of Prisons, together with the Department of Justice, FBI, and Homeland Security, to reopen a substantially enlarged and rebuilt Alcatraz, to house America’s most ruthless and violent offenders,” he wrote.

Mr Trump said the reopening of the San Francisco prison would “serve as a symbol of law, order, and justice”.

The US president’s latest policy announcement comes after he fired national security adviser Mike Waltz last week in the first major change to his administration.

US President Donald Trump. Pic: AP
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US President Donald Trump speaking to reporters on Sunday. Pic: AP

Alcatraz was infamously inescapable and in the 29 years it was open, 36 men attempted 14 separate escapes, according to the FBI.

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Nearly all of them were caught or did not survive the attempt at escaping.

The prison housed some of America’s most notorious criminals, including Al Capone and George Kelly.

It has also been the subject of a number of films, including The Rock, starring Sean Connery and Nicolas Cage.

Alcatraz Island. File pic: AP
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Alcatraz Island. File pic: AP

Alcatraz Island, which is surrounded by strong ocean currents and cold Pacific waters, is now a major tourist site, operated by the National Park Service.

The prison’s closure in 1963 was attributed to crumbling infrastructure and high repair costs.

A spokesperson for the Bureau of Prisons said it would “comply with all presidential orders”.

The Bureau of Prisons currently has 16 high-security prisons, including its maximum-security facility in Florence, Colorado, and a facility in Terre Haute, Indiana, which is home to the federal death chamber.

The United States’ federal law enforcement agency has been the subject of increased scrutiny in recent years after Jeffrey Epstein‘s suicide at a federal jail in New York City in 2019.

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