There are days left until Christmas and once again, despite promising yourself you wouldn’t let your festive responsibilities creep up on you this time, you’ve left everything to the last minute.
No presents bought, turkey unordered – few things are as stressful as finding yourself unprepared for the big day.
But perhaps help has never been easier to come by. After all, if AI really is going to take all our jobs, then surely it should handle the pressure of Christmas planning?
In case you find yourself with the love and respect of your friends and family on the line, I decided to lean on some of the internet’s top AI tools to see if they could help salvage the big day at short notice.
Present ideas
ChatGPT was my choice for present ideas, concentrating on my immediate family.
Setting the budget at £50 a person, I told it my dad loves Arsenal, golf, and gadgets; mum enjoys cooking, cats, and arts and crafts; and my sister is obsessed with Taylor Swift.
For dad, it recommended Arsenal merch like a scarf, mug, or keychain, golf accessories like “a new set of golf balls, golf gloves or a golf towel”, or a “cool gadget” like a smartphone stand for his desk.
Rather dull suggestions, and “cool” is doing a lot of heavy lifting, but nothing offensive. I could work with it.
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For mum, how about some “quality cooking utensils or gadgets”? Maybe a sketchbook or knitting materials? Or how about finding her a “cute cat-themed apron or a cat-shaped cutting board”?
And for the ultimate Swiftie, I was told to consider her latest album or concert tickets “if she has a tour coming up”.
Taytay tickets for £50? Not in your wildest dreams.
When and where to buy
Sticking with ChatGPT, I asked for some shopping tips.
It didn’t get off to a great start, suggesting I indulge in Black Friday sales weeks after they’d finished.
But it said “many retailers have pre-Christmas sales and promotions in early to mid-December” too, and some “may offer last-minute discounts as Christmas approaches”.
“Consider shopping during off-peak hours or days to avoid crowds,” it added, and check online delivery times.
In terms of retailers, ChatGPT recommended Amazon, Etsy, Not On The High Street, Sports Direct and H&M, and encouraged exploring local book and craft shops.
Department stores like John Lewis and M&S were also proposed.
Personalised cards
Given my complete lack of creative talent, I thought AI might have the perfect chance to shine by making some personalised cards.
I used popular image generators Stable Diffusion and DALL-E 3.
For my sister, I asked Stable Diffusion to “design me a Christmas card cover featuring Taylor Swift holding up a boom box outside a girl’s bedroom window on a snowy evening singing ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You'”.
These tools are known to struggle with hands and fingers and while this fake Taylor’s left hand looks OK, her right hand… not so much.
There’s also an unsettling nutcracker quality to her agape jaw.
I used DALL-E 3 to make a card for my nan.
I asked it for a one “featuring an elderly lady making her way through a big box of chocolates, and while watching ballroom dancing” (it refused to acknowledge Strictly).
It certainly took the “big” requirement very seriously.
And for maximum efficiency, I asked both to have a go at an Arsenal card I could send to a few friends.
“Design me a Christmas card cover featuring Arsenal players Gabriel Jesus, Bukayo Saka, and Martin Odegaard in Arsenal-themed Christmas jumpers delivering presents to Mikel Arteta outside the Emirates Stadium,” I wrote.
Who’s who is anyone’s guess – and DALL-E 3 made a rather embarrassing typo.
We’ll have three meat eaters and two vegetarians to look after, and – given this is all very last minute – I told it no supermarket for miles had any turkeys left.
I also asked for a recipe for some Christmas gingerbread biscuits.
BARD’S GINGERBREAD RECIPE – THE INGREDIENTS
350g plain flour
One teaspoon bicarbonate of soda
Two teaspoons ground ginger
One teaspoon ground cinnamon
125g butter, cut into cubes
175g dark muscovado sugar
75g golden syrup
One egg, lightly beaten
Royal icing, for decorating (optional)
Suggested appetisers were butternut squash soup and mini quiches with bacon, cheddar, and caramelised onions.
For the main, it was either herb-roasted rack of lamb with roasted root vegetables or stuffed portobello mushrooms filled with quinoa, roasted veg, and herbs.
Sides were to be shared: mashed potatoes with roasted garlic and thyme (mash with Christmas dinner?!), sauteed Brussels sprouts with bacon, and cranberry sauce.
And it’s sticky toffee pudding for dessert.
BARD’S GINGERBREAD RECIPE – THE INSTRUCTIONS
Preheat the oven to 180C (160C fan) and line two baking trays with parchment paper
In a large bowl, whisk together the flour, bicarbonate of soda, ginger, and cinnamon
Rub in the butter until the mixture resembles coarse crumbs
Stir in the sugar, golden syrup, and egg until a dough forms
Wrap the dough in plastic wrap and chill in the refrigerator for at least 30 minutes
On a lightly floured surface, roll out the dough to a thickness of about 5mm
Cut out shapes using gingerbread cutters or other cookie cutters
Place the biscuits on the prepared baking trays and bake for 10-12 minutes, or until golden brown
Allow the biscuits to cool on the baking trays for a few minutes before transferring them to a wire rack to cool completely
Fun and games
Some games to play at the dinner table was my next request.
Bard recommended Two Truths And A Lie, I Spy, The Name Game, Heads Up, and Scattergories.
Heads Up even came with a cheeky link to the app on the Google Play Store.
“The most important thing is to have fun and enjoy the time with your family and friends,” it added.
Bard, you are hopelessly naive.
CHATGPT’S SUGGESTED CHRISTMAS WATCHLIST
It’s a Wonderful Life (1946)
A Christmas Carol (1984)
Home Alone (1990)
Elf (2003)
The Polar Express (2004)
The Grinch (2000)
Love Actually (2003)
The Holiday (2006)
Festive tunes
Given one of the big talking points of the year has been the threat AI poses to the arts, I thought I’d explore whether Mariah Carey has anything to worry about by requesting a new Christmas song.
Lyrics were written by ChatGPT, which I asked for a song about the role AI could play at Christmas.
AN AI CHRISTMAS BALLAD
In a world of lights and snow, where the holiday spirits grow,
There’s a tale of tech and cheer, a Christmas story we hold dear.
Underneath the mistletoe, where joy and wonder freely flow,
A new companion joins the scene, it’s AI, the festive dream.
Oh, AI Christmas, bright and smart,
Spreading joy in every part.
Bytes of love and lines of code,
In this season, we all download.
Santa’s sleigh now with a twist, guided by algorithms’ bliss,
AI elves in the workshop sing, crafting toys that dreams will bring.
Through the web, a virtual tree, ornaments in binary glee,
Lights of data softly hum, a carol in the cyber drum.
Oh, AI Christmas, bright and smart,
Spreading joy in every part.
Bytes of love and lines of code,
In this season, we all download.
Machine learning in the air, predicting wishes everywhere,
Naughty or nice, it understands, with circuits spun by nimble hands.
The warmth of ones and zeros glow, in this techy festive show,
A silicon heart, so pure and true, Christmas miracles it can do.
Family calls across the globe, through video calls, we share the strobe,
AI, a virtual friend so dear, bringing those we love so near.
In every pixel, love extends, transcending where the circuit bends,
A Christmas hug in binary, connecting hearts so seamlessly.
Oh, AI Christmas, bright and smart,
Spreading joy in every part.
Bytes of love and lines of code,
In this season, we all download.
So in this yuletide, let us find, in AI’s embrace, peace of mind,
A Christmas future, bright and new, where technology and love break through.
In the glow of screens agleam, Merry Christmas, in the digital dream.
I don’t know about you, but I think Mariah’s job is definitely safe.
To be fair, ChatGPT is a fan.
Asked for some songs to build a Christmas playlist, she came out top of the pile, with Wham, Bobby Helms, Jose Feliciano, and Dean Martin rounding out its favourite five.
Consumer rights group Which? is suing Apple for £3bn over the way it deploys the iCloud.
If the lawsuit succeeds, around 40 million Apple customers in the UK could be entitled to a payout.
The lawsuit claims Apple, which controls iOS operating systems, has breached UK competition law by giving its iCloud storage preferential treatment, effectively “trapping” customers with Apple devices into using it.
It also claims the company overcharged those customers by stifling competition.
The rights group alleges Apple encouraged users to sign up to iCloud for storage of photos, videos and other data while simultaneously making it difficult to use alternative providers.
Which? says Apple doesn’t allow customers to store or back-up all of their phone’s data with a third-party provider, arguing this violates competition law.
The consumer rights group says once iOS users have signed up to iCloud, they then have to pay for the service once their photos, notes, messages and other data go over the free 5GB limit.
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“By bringing this claim, Which? is showing big corporations like Apple that they cannot rip off UK consumers without facing repercussions,” said Which?’s chief executive Anabel Hoult.
“Taking this legal action means we can help consumers to get the redress that they are owed, deter similar behaviour in the future and create a better, more competitive market.”
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Apple ‘rejects’ claims and will defend itself
Apple “rejects” the idea its customers are tied to using iCloud and told Sky News it would “vigorously” defend itself.
“Apple believes in providing our customers with choices,” a spokesperson said.
“Our users are not required to use iCloud, and many rely on a wide range of third-party alternatives for data storage. In addition, we work hard to make data transfer as easy as possible – whether it’s to iCloud or another service.
“We reject any suggestion that our iCloud practices are anti-competitive and will vigorously defend against any legal claim otherwise.”
It also said nearly half of its customers don’t use iCloud and its pricing is inline with other cloud storage providers.
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How much could UK Apple customers receive if lawsuit succeeds?
The lawsuit will represent all UK Apple customers that have used iCloud services since 1 October 2015 – any that don’t want to be included will need to opt out.
However, if consumers live abroad but are otherwise eligible – for example because they lived in UK and used the iCloud but then moved away – they can also opt in.
The consumer rights group estimates that individual consumers could be owed an average of £70, depending on how long they have been paying for the services during that period.
Apple is facing a similar lawsuit in the US, where the US Department of Justice is accusing the company of locking down its iPhone ecosystem to build a monopoly.
Apple said the lawsuit is “wrong on the facts and the law” and that it will vigorously defend against it.
And in December last year, a judge declared Google’s Android app store a monopoly in a case brought by a private gaming company.
“Now that five companies control the whole of the internet economy, there’s a real need for people to fight back and to really put pressure on the government,” William Fitzgerald, from tech campaigning organisation The Worker Agency, told Sky News.
“That’s why we have governments; to hold corporations accountable, to actually enforce laws.”
The jobs of more than half of the workforce at the DIY chain Homebase are at risk after the retailer’s owners called in administrators following a failed attempt at a sale.
Sky News reported earlier on Wednesday that around 1,500 people were set to keep their roles as 75 of the 130 stores were set to be snapped up by the saviour of Wilko in a so-called pre-pack deal.
The Range, also a general merchandise specialist, was confirmed as the buyer later in the day.
Teneo, which is handling the process, is understood to have been working to find a buyer for as many of the chain’s sites as possible.
Teneo said in a statement on Wednesday afternoon that up to 70 stores were confirmed to be included in the deal – saving up to 1,600 jobs out of 3,600.
It leaves 2,000 jobs at risk.
Forty-nine other stores will continue to trade while alternative offers are explored.
Sources told Sky’s City editor Mark Kleinman that there had been many expressions of interest in the remaining stores, despite the gloom being felt across the retail sector over the higher tax take demanded in the budget.
The sector has warned of higher inflation and job losses arising from the measures, which include increased employer national insurance contributions and minimum wage levels.
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The pre-pack deal – which typically allows a buyer to cherry-pick the assets it wants – brings to an end a six-year ownership of Homebase by Hilco, the retail restructuring specialist.
Teneo had initially been attempting to find a buyer for the whole Homebase business.
The partial sale comprises all those stores in the Republic of Ireland and the Homebase brand and its e-commerce business.
The Range is part of CDS Superstores, which is controlled by the businessman Chris Dawson – nicknamed “the Del Boy billionaire” because of the distinctive number plate on his Rolls-Royce Wraith.
Last year, it paid £7m to buy the brand and intellectual property assets of Wilko, which had collapsed into administration.
Since then, Mr Dawson has opened a string of new Wilko outlets.
P&O Ferries spent more than £47m summarily sacking hundreds of seafarers in 2022, helping it cut losses by more than £125m and putting it on a path to profitability, according to accounts due to be published in the coming days.
The dismissal of 786 mainly British seafarers, and their replacement with largely non-European agency staff earning as little as £4.87 an hour, was hugely controversial, drawing criticism from across the political spectrum and threats of a consumer boycott.
The controversy was rekindled last month when Sky News revealed that DP World, P&O‘s Dubai-based parent, considered withdrawing a £1bn investment at its London Gateway port following criticism of P&O by the Transport Secretary Louise Haigh.
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Chancellor quizzed over P&O ferries
P&O has always maintained the restructuring was necessary to allow it to compete with its rivals on cross-Channel routes, and prevent a total collapse of the company with the loss of more than 2,000 jobs.
In financial statements for P&O Holdings, filed 11 months late and seen by Sky News, the company says the restructuring cost £47.4m including legal fees and consultants, allowing it to cut the overall wage and salary bill by £21.3m.
In a note accompanying the accounts submitted to Companies House, P&O’s directors describe the restructuring as part of a “transformational journey” that will help it return to recording a profit before tax this year.
“The business has been on a transformational journey as it has recovered from the challenges of the global pandemic, Brexit and the impact of disruption caused by the change in the crewing model,” the directors say.
“The group believes that the transformational actions that commenced in 2022 and continue through into 2024 will equip the business to grow profitably when demand rises in the coming years.”
The accounts reveal the financial distress in which P&O found itself in 2022.
Having recorded losses of £375m the previous year as it struggled to recover from the pandemic-era decline in passenger numbers and post-Brexit complications, it was in breach of its covenants to external lenders underwriting the construction of new hybrid cross-Channel ferries.
Despite the restructuring costs, revenue increased by £83.3m to £918m in the financial year, but the company still recorded a loss of £249m and was reliant on loans totalling £365m from parent company DP World to remain a going concern.
An additional £70m was made available this year, with 4.5% interest rolled up and not requiring any repayment until 2028 at the earliest.
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The financial statements also reveal that P&O was forced to sell one of the new cross-Channel ferries to a French subsidiary to pay off an external financing loan of £76.9m, and then lease the vessel back from its ultimate owner.
In a statement, P&O Ferries said: “Our 2022 financial accounts show the challenges faced by the business at that time, and why the business needed to transform into a competitive operator with a sustainable long-term future.
“P&O Ferries has taken steps to adjust to new market conditions, matching our capacity to demand, and adopting a more flexible operating model that enables us to better serve our customers.”