Well, both Joe Biden and Donald Trump have clinched the nomination of their parties to run for re-election, which means historically this will be the longest general election in history between a pair of candidates too old for the job whom no one wants to see run again except those Republican voters who love Donald Trump and those Democrat voters who feel, well, at least Biden is not a goggle-eyed socialist lunatic like every other Democrat but only a senile semi-dead man being used like a ventriloquists dummy by a cabal of goggle-eyed socialist lunatics who hope they can destroy American freedom before anyone realizes theyre holding Biden upright by his shirtsleeves like in Weekend at Bernies although in this case Bernie is the goggle-eyed socialist holding Bernie up because Bernie is Joe and Joe is Bernie.
With a Biden-Trump rematch bearing down on us like a locomotive and America tied to the tracks screaming Help! Help! in a high-pitched voice in the hope some Canadian Mountie will rescue her, which seems unlikely since the Canadians are now a bunch of Left-wing fascists, corporate media outlets are assigning their best journalists to cover the all-important beat of what Trump will do in their hysterical womanish imaginations if hes re-elected.
For instance, CNNs Van Jones, reporting from his womanish imagination, said, If Trump is re-elected, Russian troops will march across western Europe in my womanish imagination until the whole world is as hysterical as I am. Trump will imprison his political opponents and destroy democracy which is why we have to put Trump in prison and let people vote by simply driving by the polling place and shouting Joe Bidens name out the window or what sounds to me like Joe Bidens name even if its Donald Trumps. This is Van Jones, reporting from my womanish imagination.
CNN Chief Executive Solitary McLonesome spoke about the new assignments in a speech to his childhood friend Pooky the Teddy Bear, saying, Listen, Pooky, we have got to go all out covering the Trump atrocities that will occur in our womanish imaginations or well be left behind in reality with a senile corruptocrat president ruining everything, and you know our audience doesnt want reality, Pooky-poo, because you are our audience. WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show
MSNBC has given Joe Scarborough the assignment of reporting on the imaginary bad things Trump will do if re-elected because of Scarboroughs long experience on the womanish imagination beat. NBC News President Idie OLog speaking to an inflatable life-sized El Chapo she keeps hidden in her bedroom closet said Viewers feel they can trust Joe Scarborough because they look into his eyes and see a cavernous darkness where his soul used to be, so they understand he will give them a full report on the terrible things Trump will do in his womanish imagination if re-elected, instead of the horrible truth about whats happening right now, which would just be disturbing, oh mi corazon.
As a model of expert coverage of the womanish imagination beat, journalists around the country are turning to the New York Times, a former newspaper, and their opinion page, known throughout the industry as Knucklehead Row. One shining example of the Timess Pulitzer Prize winning womanish imagination coverage came in a column by Charles Blows entitled, What Trump will do in My Womanish Imagination if he is Re-Elected. The column begins, When I consider the possibility that Trump will be re-elected, I peer into my womanish imagination and see a devastating vision of utter chaos created by journalists shrieking about whats happening in their womanish imaginations. The stories about Donald Trump rampaging through our hysterical daydreams will absolutely destroy our country by causing violent leftists to burn down cities while we pretend they arent because Trump is not doing the horrible things that we pretend he is.
At the Washington Post, leftist womanish imagination reporter Dana Milbank took a more humorous tack in a column and this is a real column called My Month of Living Republicanly. Milbank visited gun shows and Christian outlets where he found stickers and posters with outlandish assertions that distort the truth. Next week, Milbank will uncover outlandish leftist assertions that distort the truth by reading the Washington Post.
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Andrew Klavan is the host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, The House of Love and Death, is now available. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of The Andrew Klavan Show.
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
The Israeli military has said that a ceasefire in Gaza would hold after the truce was seriously tested by an attack that killed two Israeli soldiers and a wave of airstrikes that killed 36 Palestinians.
Aid supplies into the enclave are due to resume on Monday following US pressure, an Israeli security source said, shortly after Israel announced a halt in supplies in response to what it called a “blatant” violation by Hamas of the truce.
A little over a week has passed since the start of the US-proposed ceasefire aimed at ending two years of war.
Israel‘s military said militants fired at troops in areas of Rafah city that are Israeli-controlled, according to agreed-upon ceasefire lines.
The military said Israel responded with airstrikes and artillery, hitting dozens of Hamas targets. It also said its forces struck “terrorists” approaching troops in Beit Lahiya in the north.
Health officials said at least 36 Palestinians were killed across Gaza, including children.
Image: An injured child is carried to Nasser Hospital after an airstrike in Khan Younis, Gaza. Pic: AP
One airstrike hit a former school sheltering displaced families in the area of Nuseirat, killing four people, according to Al Awda Hospital, which received the casualties.
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Another hit a tent in the Muwasi area of Khan Younis in the south, killing at least four people, including a woman and two children, according to Nasser Hospital.
Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu directed the military to take “strong action” against any ceasefire violations but did not threaten to return to war.
The armed wing of Hamas continued to accuse Israel of multiple ceasefire violations, but said it remained committed to the ceasefire agreement.
It said communication with its remaining units in Rafah had been cut off for months, adding “we are not responsible for any incidents occurring in those areas”.
Image: Children were injured and some were killed in Sunday’s strikes, local health officials say. Pic: AP
In a statement on social media on Sunday evening, the IDF said it had “begun the renewed enforcement of the ceasefire, in line with the terms of the agreement”.
“The IDF will continue to uphold the ceasefire agreement and will respond firmly to any violation of it,” it added.
An Israeli source told Sky News: “The bottom line is that we’re done responding. We are now back to where we were this morning before their attack.”
Fearing the truce may collapse, some Palestinians, many of whom have lacked sufficient food for months, rushed to buy goods from the main market in Nuseirat.
Further south in Khan Younis, other families fled their homes and shelters after airstrikes hit nearby.
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4:39
Ceasefire faces toughest test
The new ceasefire began on 10 October, but for days the Israeli government and Hamas have been trading accusations of ceasefire violations.
A senior Egyptian official involved in the ceasefire negotiations said “round-the-clock” contacts were under way to de-escalate the situation.
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Israel on Saturday pressed Hamas to returning the remains of all 28 dead hostages as promised under the ceasefire, saying the Rafah border crossing between Gaza and Egypt would stay closed “until further notice”.
Hamas says it has no reason to keep the bodies of the remaining hostages, but that it needs special equipment recover corpses buried under rubble.
A Hamas delegation led by chief negotiator Khalil al Hayya has arrived in Cairo to follow up the implementation of the ceasefire deal with mediators and other Palestinian groups.
The next stages are expected to focus on disarming Hamas, Israeli withdrawal from additional areas it controls in Gaza, and future governance of the devastated territory.
The US plan proposes the establishment of an internationally-backed authority.
GAINESVILLE, Fla. — Florida fired coach Billy Napier on Sunday, a day after an error-filled win against Mississippi State that included more head-scratching calls and offensive lulls like those that marked much of his four-year run with the Gators.
Athletic director Scott Stricklin made the move following a 23-21 victory that improved the Gators’ record to 3-4 but looked as if it was going to be a gut-wrenching loss until defensive tackle Michai Boireau picked off a pass with 21 seconds left and the Bulldogs near field goal range.
The game-sealing takeaway energized The Swamp, but the home crowd quickly turned on Napier and booed him as he sprinted off the field. Stricklin had seen enough and pulled the plug on a run that most of the Florida faithful thought lasted longer than it should have.
Florida owes Napier roughly $21 million, with half of that buyout due within 30 days. The rest will be spread over three annual installments beginning next summer, meaning that, since the Gators are still paying former coach Dan Mullen, they will be paying three head coaches for the second time in seven years once they hire Napier’s replacement; they did the same with Will Muschamp, Jim McElwain and Mullen in 2018.
Napier went 22-23 in four seasons at Florida, including 12-16 in SEC play. He was 5-17 against ranked opponents, including 0-14 away from home, and declined to give up his playcalling role despite calls to do so.
Equally damning: His 3-12 mark against rivals Florida State, Georgia, LSU, Miami and Tennessee includes the fewest wins by a Florida coach in such games since the late 1930s.
Napier is the first full-time coach at Florida to finish his tenure with a losing record since Raymond Wolf (1946 to ’49).
“Making this decision during the open date provides our team valuable time to regroup, refocus, and prepare for the challenges ahead. The timing also allows us to conduct a thoughtful, thorough, and well-informed search for our next head coach. We remain fully committed to utilizing every resource available to identify the right leader to guide Gators Football into the future,” Stricklin said in a statement.
“I will conduct the search with a high degree of confidentiality to protect the privacy of those involved. The search will focus on the hiring of an elite football coach who will embody the standard we have at the University of Florida, and we will continue to provide all of the necessary resources for that coach, his staff and the players to be successful.”
Receivers coach Billy Gonzales was named interim for Florida’s remaining five games, beginning against rival Georgia (6-1, 4-1 Southeastern Conference) on Nov. 1 in Jacksonville. The Gators (3-4, 2-2) have an off week to regroup from the chaos that often comes with a coaching change.
Jettisoning Napier will temporarily quell a frustrated fanbase, but the group won’t truly be satisfied until the Gators hire someone with a proven track record at college football’s highest level.
Napier sealed his fate against the Bulldogs. He dialed up a QB rollout on a third-and-1 play in the waning minutes that led to a punt and gave Mississippi State a chance down the stretch. He also called a QB keeper on a third-and-7 play earlier in the game, botched the final possession before halftime and was flagged for having 12 men on the field during a 2-point try.
It was a fitting end for a coach who often looked in over his head in the powerhouse SEC. Between repeated penalties, game organization issues, clock management miscues and running an offensive scheme that was as predictable as it was pedestrian, Napier stuck around longer than many thought he deserved.
Stricklin gave the coach a public vote of confidence shortly before the Gators won their final four games of 2024. They hoped to carry that momentum into Napier’s fourth season, but quarterback DJ Lagway was out close to eight months recovering from injuries — and it showed.
Lagway looked mostly lost in the pocket as Florida struggled to move the ball. Suddenly, the two-time Sun Belt Conference coach of the year, who gained fame at his previous stop by saying “scared money don’t make money,” seemed afraid to get the ball down the field the way Lagway did with such ease as a freshman.
Most outsiders saw this ending coming. Although Napier accomplished plenty while helping the program navigate name, image and likeness compensation and revenue sharing, he churned through assistants while failing to find much consistency on either side of the ball.
“The standards and expectations for Gators football are to win championships — not simply to compete. We exist to win, and will not settle for less. UF has never been more invested in the success of this football program — elite facilities, robust NIL opportunities and comprehensive support for our student athletes and staff — than we are today,” Strickland said.
“The University of Florida is a destination — a place where people come to achieve excellence. With our resources, passionate fan base, and unwavering commitment, we are determined to return Gators football to championship form. I understand and accept the responsibility to deliver a football program that reflects the greatness of this university and I thank Gator Nation for their continued support as we begin this next chapter together.”
Florida hired Napier in 2021 after he went 40-12 in four seasons as Louisiana’s coach.
The Associated Press and ESPN Research contributed to this report.
Vanderbilt is a top-10 team in college football for the first time since 1947 in an Associated Press Top 25 poll that got a nearly complete makeover Sunday after a weekend during which nine ranked teams lost.
Ohio State was the only team to hold its spot, remaining No. 1 for an eighth straight week after shutting outWisconsin 34-0 on the road.
Beyond the Buckeyes, significant revision was required with four top-10 teams losing in the same week for a third time this season. Nine Top 25 losing teams were the most since Week 5 in 2022, when 10 went down, according to Sportradar. Four of the losses this week were to unranked opponents.
The Buckeyes received 60 first-place votes, 10 more than a week ago. No. 2 Indianapulled away from Michigan State, improved its program-record ranking by one spot and received the other six first-place votes.
Ohio State’s 10 straight appearances in the top five is the longest active streak.
Texas A&M‘s one-rung promotion to No. 3 gives the Aggies their highest ranking since 1995. No. 4 Alabama has its highest ranking of the season and No. 5 Georgia returned to the top five after a three-week absence.
Georgia’s 140th consecutive week in the poll is the second-longest active streak to Alabama’s 287.
Louisville makes its season debut in the Top 25. The No. 19 Cardinals, whose only loss was by three points to Virginia on Oct. 4, were 0-18 all time against top-10 teams in true road games before knocking off the Hurricanes.
At No. 16, Virginia’s ranking is its highest since 2007.
Vanderbilt rallied from its loss at Alabama two weeks ago with a 31-24 win over then-No. 10 LSU. The Commodores earned a seven-spot promotion for their first win over the Tigers since 1990. At 6-1, Vandy is off to its best start since 1950, with two wins over ranked opponents.
Vanderbilt’s top-10 ranking is its fifth in program history. The others were in 1937 (once), 1941 (once) and 1947 (twice).
No. 3 Texas A&M (7-0) at No. 20 LSU (5-2): The home team has won the past eight meetings. LSU’s Garrett Nussmeier threw three second-half interceptions and Marcel Reed came off the bench to run for three TDs in the Aggies’ 38-23 win last season.
No. 8 Mississippi (6-1) at No. 13 Oklahoma (6-1): This will be only their third all-time meeting. The Rebels recorded nine sacks in a 26-14 win last season.
No. 15 Missouri (6-1) at No. 10 Vanderbilt (6-1): Vandy kicker Brock Taylor has made 17 consecutive field goal attempts since missing a 31-yarder that gave the Tigers a 30-27 double-overtime win last season.