Well, both Joe Biden and Donald Trump have clinched the nomination of their parties to run for re-election, which means historically this will be the longest general election in history between a pair of candidates too old for the job whom no one wants to see run again except those Republican voters who love Donald Trump and those Democrat voters who feel, well, at least Biden is not a goggle-eyed socialist lunatic like every other Democrat but only a senile semi-dead man being used like a ventriloquists dummy by a cabal of goggle-eyed socialist lunatics who hope they can destroy American freedom before anyone realizes theyre holding Biden upright by his shirtsleeves like in Weekend at Bernies although in this case Bernie is the goggle-eyed socialist holding Bernie up because Bernie is Joe and Joe is Bernie.
With a Biden-Trump rematch bearing down on us like a locomotive and America tied to the tracks screaming Help! Help! in a high-pitched voice in the hope some Canadian Mountie will rescue her, which seems unlikely since the Canadians are now a bunch of Left-wing fascists, corporate media outlets are assigning their best journalists to cover the all-important beat of what Trump will do in their hysterical womanish imaginations if hes re-elected.
For instance, CNNs Van Jones, reporting from his womanish imagination, said, If Trump is re-elected, Russian troops will march across western Europe in my womanish imagination until the whole world is as hysterical as I am. Trump will imprison his political opponents and destroy democracy which is why we have to put Trump in prison and let people vote by simply driving by the polling place and shouting Joe Bidens name out the window or what sounds to me like Joe Bidens name even if its Donald Trumps. This is Van Jones, reporting from my womanish imagination.
CNN Chief Executive Solitary McLonesome spoke about the new assignments in a speech to his childhood friend Pooky the Teddy Bear, saying, Listen, Pooky, we have got to go all out covering the Trump atrocities that will occur in our womanish imaginations or well be left behind in reality with a senile corruptocrat president ruining everything, and you know our audience doesnt want reality, Pooky-poo, because you are our audience. WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show
MSNBC has given Joe Scarborough the assignment of reporting on the imaginary bad things Trump will do if re-elected because of Scarboroughs long experience on the womanish imagination beat. NBC News President Idie OLog speaking to an inflatable life-sized El Chapo she keeps hidden in her bedroom closet said Viewers feel they can trust Joe Scarborough because they look into his eyes and see a cavernous darkness where his soul used to be, so they understand he will give them a full report on the terrible things Trump will do in his womanish imagination if re-elected, instead of the horrible truth about whats happening right now, which would just be disturbing, oh mi corazon.
As a model of expert coverage of the womanish imagination beat, journalists around the country are turning to the New York Times, a former newspaper, and their opinion page, known throughout the industry as Knucklehead Row. One shining example of the Timess Pulitzer Prize winning womanish imagination coverage came in a column by Charles Blows entitled, What Trump will do in My Womanish Imagination if he is Re-Elected. The column begins, When I consider the possibility that Trump will be re-elected, I peer into my womanish imagination and see a devastating vision of utter chaos created by journalists shrieking about whats happening in their womanish imaginations. The stories about Donald Trump rampaging through our hysterical daydreams will absolutely destroy our country by causing violent leftists to burn down cities while we pretend they arent because Trump is not doing the horrible things that we pretend he is.
At the Washington Post, leftist womanish imagination reporter Dana Milbank took a more humorous tack in a column and this is a real column called My Month of Living Republicanly. Milbank visited gun shows and Christian outlets where he found stickers and posters with outlandish assertions that distort the truth. Next week, Milbank will uncover outlandish leftist assertions that distort the truth by reading the Washington Post.
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Andrew Klavan is the host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, The House of Love and Death, is now available. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of The Andrew Klavan Show.
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
In 1990s and early 2000s New York, Sean “Diddy” Combs was the person to be seen with.
Now on trial in Manhattan, his hair grey, his beard grown, it’s hard to imagine that he was “the Pied Piper… of the most elite level of partying of that time” – but that’s how Amy DuBois Barnett describes him.
She was the first Black-American woman to run a major mainstream magazine in the US, and based in Manhattan at a time when hip hop was at its zenith.
“Urban culture really ran the city,” she says. “That’s where so much of the money was… you had all the finance bros trying to get into Puffy (Combs) parties, all the fashion executives trying to get into Puffy parties.”
And while he was welcomed by the highest echelons of the arts and entertainment world, she says: “He was never known for being a calm kind of individual.”
Image: Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs in New York in July 2004. Pic: AP
Combs was “very dismissive” with her, and she admits: “Puff never particularly liked me that much.”
But DuBois Barnett would often get invited to his parties because she was able to feature his up-and-coming artists in her magazines.
From editor-in-chief of Ebony magazine, she’d go on to become the editor-in-chief of Honey and Teen People magazines, and then deputy editor of Harper’s Bazaar.
She says the man she met at those parties “lacked warmth” and seemed “complicated”.
“When he walked in the room, all of the energy changed. Puffy had his trusted individuals around him… immediately the area around him would become kind of crowded with everybody vying for his attention,” she says.
“I think that was also partially why he didn’t particularly like me because I wasn’t really vying for his attention.
“He really reserved that attention for the people that he was either attracted to… or the people that he thought were important enough to his business success.”
Image: Amy DuBois Barnett (right) with publisher Desiree Rogers at an event for Ebony magazine
She says it was common knowledge that he wasn’t someone to cross due to “rumours… of what he could do”.
“There were a lot of people within journalism, within media, within other industries that were afraid of his influence and also afraid of his temper,” she adds.
“When things at parties would not go his way or somebody didn’t bring him something quickly enough, or… the conversation wasn’t going his way… he would just kind of snap and he was just not afraid to yell at whoever was there.
“There was not a lot of boundaries in his communication, let’s just put it that way.”
Image: Combs on the red carpet at the height of his success
But she says it was a time when a tremendous amount of misogyny was running throughout music, things that in today’s culture would certainly give pause for thought.
“So many things happened to me, everything from getting groped at parties to getting locked in a limousine with music executives and having him refuse to let me out until I did whatever he thought I was going to do, which I didn’t.”
She insists: “We didn’t have the vocabulary to understand the degree to which it was problematic… it was a thread that ran throughout the culture.”
Image: Getting off a private jet during his heyday
Star-studded parties were the ultimate invite
At the time, a ticket to one of Combs’s star-studded “white parties” was the ultimate invite.
She admits: “It was like nothing you’ve ever seen before… the dress code was very strict.
“No beige, no ecru, absolutely white, you would literally be turned away if your outfit was wrong. Puffy did not sort of tolerate people in his parties that didn’t look ‘grown and sexy’ as it were.”
She says people would mingle by the poolside listening to the best DJs in the world, while topless models posed dressed as mermaids and waiters handed out weed brownies from silver platters.
“It was every boldface name you could possibly imagine, just this gorgeous crowd.”
Image: At an event with model Naomi Campbell
Behind the glamour, prosecutors now allege there was a man capable of sexual abuse and violence, and a serious abuse of power. Criminal charges which he’s already pleaded not guilty to and strenuously denies.
Without question, Combs had the golden touch. Expanding his music career into business enterprises that in 2022 reportedly took his net worth to around £1bn. For decades his success story was celebrated.
“I think that in the black community, there is a feeling that if a black man is successful you don’t want to bring him down because there are not that many… these are cultural forces that are rooted in the systemic racism that’s present in the United States… but I think that these were part of what potentially protected Puffy against people speaking out.”
Couple became ‘isolated and very unhappy’
While Combs had amassed a small fortune over the course of two decades which she encountered him, the former magazine editor says his behaviour had markedly changed from the first party she went to, to her last.
“The last was a post-Grammys party, in 2017 or 2018, and just the vibe was very different. He was really kind of isolated in a corner with Cassie, you know, looking very unhappy.”
Image: Diddy and Cassie together on the red carpet
For around 10 years, Combs had a relationship with the singer Cassie Ventura which ended in 2018.
Once over she filed a lawsuit that both parties eventually settled alleging she was trafficked, raped, drugged and beaten by the rapper on many occasions – which he denied. Last week she made similar claims in court.
Image: A court sketch of Cassie giving evidence against Combs in court this week. Pic: Reuters
Image: A court sketch of Combs listening to evidence from his former partner Cassie. Pic: Reuters
“Cassie looked very glassy-eyed and there was a sadness about her energy. Whatever was happening between the two of them, I mean, it didn’t feel positive,” says DuBois Barnett.
“They were sort of holed up in the corner for almost the entire night… it did feel very different from the kind of jubilant of energy that he projected in his earlier incarnations.”
For Combs, his freedom depends on how these next few weeks go. His representatives claim he is the victim of “a reckless media circus”, saying he categorically denies he sexually abused anyone and wants to prove his innocence.
In particular, they say, he looks forward to establishing the “truth… based on evidence, not speculation”.
TORONTO — A three-goal second period broke open a tight game, quieted a raucous crowd at Scotiabank Arena, and powered the Florida Panthers past the Toronto Maple Leafs6-1 in Game 7 of this Eastern Conference semifinal series on Sunday night.
Though it wasn’t the typical marquee names you see on the Florida scoresheet, Seth Jones, Anton Lundell and Jonah Gadjovich combined for those tallies, giving the Stanley Cup-champion Panthers a 3-0 lead headed into the third period. It was plenty of room for Florida to shut the door in the third period and seal a berth in the Eastern Conference finals for the third consecutive season. Florida will take on the Carolina Hurricanes in Round 3 beginning Tuesday.
The Maple Leafs, 2-0 winners in Game 6 Friday night in Sunrise, Florida, could not find enough time and space to operate in the Panthers’ zone. With 10 minutes left in regulation, Toronto had just 14 shots on net, with its season on the line, as boos rained down from the capacity crowd.
Eetu Luostarinen and Sam Reinhart chipped in with third-period goals for Florida, giving the champions a 5-1 lead after Toronto’s Max Domi scored at 2:07 of the final frame to briefly give the home team hope. Florida’s Brad Marchand added an empty-net goal to conclude the scoring.
“We’re excited about the opportunity,” Marchand said during the game broadcast on SportsNet. “We’re having fun, enjoying the moment, that’s all you can do. You don’t get a second chance at these opportunities. You just have to embrace and enjoy it.”
Goaltender Joseph Woll, who authored the shutout in Sunrise on Friday, struggled at home, looking out of position on several Florida goals. Anthony Stolarz, Toronto’s regular starter who had been sidelined since Game 1 with an undisclosed injury, was active and on the bench as Toronto’s backup for Game 7, but he was not called upon.
Florida goaltender Sergei Bobrovsky was much sharper on the other end of the ice, allowing only Domi’s goal off a wrist shot on a clean entry into the zone. Bobrovsky, who has started every postseason game for the Panthers this season, was playing in his first Game 7 since he led the Panthers to the Stanley Cup last June with a victory over the Edmonton Oilers in the series’ last game.
Jones, in his first season with Florida and seeking his first shot at the Stanley Cup, opened the scoring with his third goal of the postseason.
“I’m just happy with the situation I’m in,” Jones said on TNT’s postgame show. “Hopefully, my game can grow, and I’m just trying to bring what I can to the table with this team. I’m playing with a lot of great players, and these guys know what it takes to win.”
The game was delayed in the second period, just before Florida’s goal-scoring spree, after referee Chris Rooney, widely considered to be one of the top officials in the NHL, was bloodied and had to leave. The longtime referee was hit by an inadvertent stick to the face.
The play happened 13 seconds into the second period, when Florida’s Niko Mikkola was jousting for the puck and his stick went into Rooney’s face. Rooney skated off with some assistance and with a towel covering much of his face as he was brought to the locker room area for further evaluation and treatment.
The NHL has stand-by officials at playoff games, and Garrett Rank took over as one of the two referees following Rooney’s injury, joining a crew that also included referee Jean Hebert and linespersons Devin Berg and Jonny Murray.
TORONTO — Referee Chris Rooney, widely considered to be one of the top officials in the NHL, was bloodied and had to leave Game 7 of the Florida Panthers–Toronto Maple Leafs playoff matchup Sunday night after taking an inadvertent stick above one of his eyes.
The play happened 13 seconds into the second period of the Panthers’ 6-1 win when Florida’s Niko Mikkola was jousting for the puck and his stick hit Rooney’s face.
The game was stopped for several minutes and a stretcher was brought onto the ice, but Rooney skated off with some assistance and with a towel covering much of his face as he was brought to the locker room area for further evaluation and treatment.
Rooney got stitches and was ruled out for the remainder of the game.
The NHL has standby officials at playoff games, and Garrett Rank took over as one of the two referees following Rooney’s injury, joining a crew that also included referee Jean Hebert and linesmen Devin Berg and Jonny Murray.