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Well, both Joe Biden and Donald Trump have clinched the nomination of their parties to run for re-election, which means historically this will be the longest general election in history between a pair of candidates too old for the job whom no one wants to see run again except those Republican voters who love Donald Trump and those Democrat voters who feel, well, at least Biden is not a goggle-eyed socialist lunatic like every other Democrat but only a senile semi-dead man being used like a ventriloquists dummy by a cabal of goggle-eyed socialist lunatics who hope they can destroy American freedom before anyone realizes theyre holding Biden upright by his shirtsleeves like in Weekend at Bernies although in this case Bernie is the goggle-eyed socialist holding Bernie up because Bernie is Joe and Joe is Bernie.

With a Biden-Trump rematch bearing down on us like a locomotive and America tied to the tracks screaming Help! Help! in a high-pitched voice in the hope some Canadian Mountie will rescue her, which seems unlikely since the Canadians are now a bunch of Left-wing fascists, corporate media outlets are assigning their best journalists to cover the all-important beat of what Trump will do in their hysterical womanish imaginations if hes re-elected.

For instance, CNNs Van Jones, reporting from his womanish imagination, said, If Trump is re-elected, Russian troops will march across western Europe in my womanish imagination until the whole world is as hysterical as I am. Trump will imprison his political opponents and destroy democracy which is why we have to put Trump in prison and let people vote by simply driving by the polling place and shouting Joe Bidens name out the window or what sounds to me like Joe Bidens name even if its Donald Trumps. This is Van Jones, reporting from my womanish imagination.

CNN Chief Executive Solitary McLonesome spoke about the new assignments in a speech to his childhood friend Pooky the Teddy Bear, saying, Listen, Pooky, we have got to go all out covering the Trump atrocities that will occur in our womanish imaginations or well be left behind in reality with a senile corruptocrat president ruining everything, and you know our audience doesnt want reality, Pooky-poo, because you are our audience. WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show

MSNBC has given Joe Scarborough the assignment of reporting on the imaginary bad things Trump will do if re-elected because of Scarboroughs long experience on the womanish imagination beat. NBC News President Idie OLog speaking to an inflatable life-sized El Chapo she keeps hidden in her bedroom closet said Viewers feel they can trust Joe Scarborough because they look into his eyes and see a cavernous darkness where his soul used to be, so they understand he will give them a full report on the terrible things Trump will do in his womanish imagination if re-elected, instead of the horrible truth about whats happening right now, which would just be disturbing, oh mi corazon.

As a model of expert coverage of the womanish imagination beat, journalists around the country are turning to the New York Times, a former newspaper, and their opinion page, known throughout the industry as Knucklehead Row. One shining example of the Timess Pulitzer Prize winning womanish imagination coverage came in a column by Charles Blows entitled, What Trump will do in My Womanish Imagination if he is Re-Elected. The column begins, When I consider the possibility that Trump will be re-elected, I peer into my womanish imagination and see a devastating vision of utter chaos created by journalists shrieking about whats happening in their womanish imaginations. The stories about Donald Trump rampaging through our hysterical daydreams will absolutely destroy our country by causing violent leftists to burn down cities while we pretend they arent because Trump is not doing the horrible things that we pretend he is.

At the Washington Post, leftist womanish imagination reporter Dana Milbank took a more humorous tack in a column and this is a real column called My Month of Living Republicanly. Milbank visited gun shows and Christian outlets where he found stickers and posters with outlandish assertions that distort the truth. Next week, Milbank will uncover outlandish leftist assertions that distort the truth by reading the Washington Post.

* * *

Andrew Klavan is the host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, The House of Love and Death, is now available. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan

This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of The Andrew Klavan Show.

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

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Sources: Red Sox deal Devers to Giants in stunner

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Sources: Red Sox deal Devers to Giants in stunner

The San Francisco Giants are acquiring All-Star slugger Rafael Devers from the Boston Red Sox, sources confirmed to ESPN’s Jeff Passan on Sunday evening.

The Giants are sending starter Jordan Hicks and 23-year-old lefty Kyle Harrison, among others, to Boston in exchange, sources said.

Devers, 28, is in just the second season of a 10-year, $313.5 million contract he signed to stay in Boston in January 2023, however his relationship with the team suffered a significant blow after the star third baseman was reportedly blindsided by a move to designated hitter in the spring.

Tensions flared again last month after Devers refused an offer from the team to move him to first base after starting first baseman Triston Casas was ruled out for the season with a knee injury.

It reached a point where Red Sox owner John Henry met with the disgruntled star, making a rare trip to meet the team on the road and smooth things over after Devers’ pointed comments about the request to switch positions again.

Hicks and Harrison give a pitching-starved Red Sox team more depth on their staff while Devers provides a huge boost to a middling Giants offense.

Devers has more than 200 career home runs to his name and has a .894 OPS for Boston this season.

The deal was first reported by Fansided.

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Ohtani’s pitching return might be coming soon

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Ohtani's pitching return might be coming soon

Shohei Ohtani‘s pitching debut for the Los Angeles Dodgers might be quickly approaching.

Manager Dave Roberts told reporters Sunday that Ohtani would throw another simulated game in the coming days that could “potentially” be his last one, and a source told ESPN’s Buster Olney that Ohtani should join the Dodgers’ rotation “sooner rather than later,” potentially within the week.

Ohtani took a big step forward during his most recent simulated game at Petco Park on Tuesday, throwing 44 pitches over the course of three innings against a couple of lower-level minor league players. Ohtani’s fastball reached the mid- to upper-90s, and he exhibited good command of his off-speed pitches in what amounted to his third time facing hitters. Afterward, Roberts said there was a “north of zero” chance Ohtani could join the rotation before the All-Star break.

Because of his two-way designation, the Dodgers can carry Ohtani as an extra pitcher, which means he can throw two to three innings and have someone pitch after him as a piggyback starter. At this point, it seems that is the Dodgers’ plan.

The Dodgers’ pitching staff has again been plagued by injury, with 14 pitchers on the injured list, including four starting pitchers the team was heavily counting on for 2025 — Blake Snell, Tony Gonsolin, Roki Sasaki and Tyler Glasnow.

If Ohtani returns in July — the likely outcome at this point — he will be 22 months removed from a second repair of his ulnar collateral ligament.

The update isn’t as optimistic for Sasaki. He paused his throwing program and is set for a lengthy layoff. Sasaki has not pitched in a game since May 9 and is not part of the team’s long-term pitching plans this season.

“I think that’s what the mindset should be,” Roberts said. “Being thrust into this environment certainly was a big undertaking for him, and now you layer in the health part and the fact he’s a starting pitcher, knowing what the build-up [required to return] entails … I think that’s the prudent way to go about it.”

Sasaki, 23, went 1-1 with a 4.72 ERA in eight starts after joining the Dodgers from the Pacific League’s Chuba Lotte Marines, averaging less than 4⅓ innings per start. He walked 22 and struck out 24 in 34⅓ innings, and his fastball averaged 95.7 mph, down 3-4 mph from his average in Japan.

Roberts said Sasaki was pain free when he resumed throwing in early June, but the pitcher was shut down after feeling discomfort this past week. Sasaki recently received a cortisone injection in the shoulder; Roberts said no further scans are planned.

“I don’t think it’s pain,” Roberts said. “I don’t know if it’s discomfort, if it’s tightness, if he’s just not feeling strong, whatever the adjective you want to use. That’s more of a question for Roki, as far as the sensation he’s feeling.

“He’s just not feeling like he can ramp it up, and we’re not going to push him to do something he doesn’t feel good about right now.”

The Associated Press contributed to this report.

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Judge 1-for-12 as NY swept: Got to swing at strikes

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Judge 1-for-12 as NY swept: Got to swing at strikes

BOSTON — Aaron Judge blamed himself for swinging at pitches outside the strike zone as the New York Yankees were swept in a three-game series against the Boston Red Sox.

“You got to swing at strikes,” Judge said after going 1-for-12 in the series, which Boston completed with a 2-0 victory on Sunday.

Judge struck out three or more times in three straight games for only the third time in his major league career.

“That usually helps any hitter when you swing at strikes,” Judge added. “Definitely some pitches off the edge or off the edge in, you know, taking some hacks just trying to make something happen.”

Judge had a tying solo homer in the opener Friday night but struck out nine times as the Yankees were swept in a series for the first time this season.

New York scored only four runs in the three games, matching its fewest in a three-game series at Fenway Park, on June 20-22, 1916 and on Sept. 28-30, 1922.

“It’s very hard,” Red Sox manager Alex Cora said of facing Judge. “He’s so good at what he does. We used our fastballs in the right spots, we got some swing and misses.”

“Throughout the years we’ve been aggressive with him,” Cora added. “Sometimes he gets us, sometimes we do a good job with that. It’s always fun to compete against the best, and, to me, he’s the best in the business right now.”

Judge’s major league-leading average dipped to .378.

“I don’t think much of it,” teammate Ben Rice said. “If I could have that guy hitting every single at-bat even if he’s not at his best, I would do it. I’m sure he’ll bounce back. He’ll be all right.”

Judge faced Garrett Whitlock with two on in the eighth Sunday and bounced into an inning-ending double play.

“He’s one of the greatest hitters in the world,” Whitlock said. “It’s special to watch him play and everything. We tried to execute and had some execution this weekend.”

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