‘Don’t man up, talk it through’ – men urged to confront mental health problems
It’s a rare thing, a group of men in a room, talking about their mental health. They have all led difficult lives, and they don’t usually talk about it.
They throw a ball around the room to indicate whose turn it is to speak. “When a man talks about his emotions he is often told, ‘don’t be a girl… man up’,” offers one participant, Harry Lambert.
He has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and describes not airing problems as like “allowing a poison to build up inside”.
Harry Lambert has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder
This mentoring weekend, offered by the charity Oak London, is an opportunity for these men to release some of that poison.
Charities warn this time of year can be extra difficult for those struggling with their mental health.
Men are more likely to go missing, sleep rough, and become dependent on drugs and alcohol – all contributing to a higher suicide rate compared to women. It is the most common cause of death for men under 50.
In the room with sofas around the edge, the men – mostly in their 20s – have come from various unstable settings.
Some are referred from probation services, others have been homeless and responded to flyers put out in London hostels offering a retreat to Bristol and a weekend to “escape your everyday surroundings” and “develop your relationship with yourself and others”.
The first section of the session is about recognising the stereotypes of manhood. Participants offer up words for the whiteboard – including dominant, macho, stoic.
Physically, all of them size up more than most to these expectations, but as their tattooed hands write down shortcomings on pieces of paper, the insecurities come to light.
“You make people scared,” one writes.
‘A lot of people don’t show emotion’
This prompts a discussion about how they should respond when someone is visibly scared of them as they walk down the street.
“I feel like if I’ve scared you, I feel like the one thing I don’t want to then do, is approach you and say, like, ‘sorry’.”
The other men agree this wouldn’t work, but all recognise the sense of isolation their physical appearance can create. At the same time, they accept, they often want to look tough.
“A lot of people I know, they don’t show any sort of emotion,” says Shareef Venson, an ex-participant and now helper.
“But you can see that they’re struggling with certain issues. It’s just that they feel like they can’t physically show it.”
Several factors that affect men’s mental health
Benjamin Kuti, a soft-spoken young man, had a difficult childhood, often without his mother present. He has dyspraxia but says many factors can play on his mental health.
Benjamin Kuti says many factors can play on his mental health
“Being unemployed, for example, or even just being isolated. That can just impact your psychological state. It’s a very small, blurred line. I really struggle to create meaningful relationships with people where it’s like, this person actually sees me, or this person actually likes me – for me.”
Wealth, and failing to accumulate it, is another recurring theme.
The handwritten sticky notes are attached to bricks and Shareef stands in the middle while the men pile them into his arms saying the words on the paper: “You scare people”, “you failed in your job”, “you have a low self-esteem”. One of the last ones reads, “you should jump”.
Loaded up with all the notes a mentor asks Shareef: “How would it feel going for a job carrying all those bricks?”
“I wouldn’t apply for anything,” he says.
One of the exercises the men do to tackle their mental health struggles
And so, the lesson is to try to remove them, reject them, pass them back, put them on the floor, share them out, so you carry fewer.
Rare opportunity to talk about struggles
Mental health among men often goes undiagnosed. Only about half of those suffering from a mental health problem seek help. That means they often carry the burden alone.
Jos Lucas, founder of Oak London, says: “Because we’re outside of London, outside of distractions, outside of people having to look over their shoulder every minute… I think it naturally happens, in group discussions, that people do feel that they can trust each other, they can talk about things that they might not otherwise have the opportunity to talk about.”
Jos Lucas, founder of Oak London
Harry, who has self-harmed and struggled with depression and anxiety since the age of 13 says he didn’t get a diagnosis for his personality disorder until he was 19.
He describes his symptoms as “heightened anxiety, heightened depression, major mood swings, manic episodes and extremely depressive episodes, along with things like suicidal thoughts and tendency to things like addiction”.
He is still on the waiting list for therapy. The conversations he has had with other men at the Oak London project have been some of the most open and honest he’s ever had.
‘I can talk openly without being judged’
He said: “A lot of times you talk to your friends and especially with men, you talk to them and say, how are you doing People say ‘Yeah, I’m good,’ and they won’t be good because they think you either don’t care or they think you don’t hear it, or they’re worried that you’re going to judge them.”
“Whereas here in Oak London, this is the only place I’ve ever been to where I felt I can go and I can talk openly without being judged, while trying to help other people and help myself.
“It’s okay to be vulnerable. And I think that’s the message that urgently needs to be out there, because there’s so much stigma around how a man needs to be dominant, masculine and stoic, but if you’re an emotional man, a sensitive man, embrace that, that’s okay. And if you feel like you want to talk, talk to someone.”
Back in London, life’s troubles await these young men but addressing them by saying them out loud, and hearing of them in others, may just help.
An asylum seeker has been sentenced to 12 months in prison after sexually assaulting a 14-year-old girl and a woman in Epping.
Hadush Gerberslasie Kebatu had been staying at The Bell Hotel in the Essex town, with the incident fuelling weeks of protests at the site.
The Ethiopian national was found guilty of two counts of sexual assault, attempted sexual assault, inciting a girl to engage in sexual activity and harassment without violence earlier this month.
Kebatu’s lawyer, Molly Dyas, told Chelmsford Magistrates’ Court on Tuesday that he wanted to be deported, calling it his “firm wish” and a view he held “before the trial”.
Under the UK Borders Act 2007, a deportation order must be made where a foreign national has been convicted of an offence and received a custodial sentence of at least 12 months.
Kebatu was living in The Bell Hotel at the time of the incident. Pic: PA
Handing sentence, district judge Christopher Williams said the asylum seeker posed a “significant risk of reoffending”.
He also told the court that Kebatu “couldn’t have anticipated” his offending “would cause such a response from the public”.
“Particularly in Epping,” the judge said, “but also across the UK, resulting in mass demonstrations and fear that children in the UK are not safe.
“It’s evident to me that your shame and remorse isn’t because of the offences you’ve committed but because of the impact they’ve had.”
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Epping hotel asylum seeker jailed
Kebatu bowed his head to the judge before he was led to the cells.
Chelmsford Magistrates’ Court was told Kebatu had tried to kiss the teenager, put his hand on her thigh and brushed her hair after she offered him pizza.
Kebatu, 41, also told the girl and her friend he wanted to have a baby with them and invited them back to the hotel.
The incident happened on 7 July, about a week after he arrived in the UK on a boat.
Read more on asylum:
Migrant hotel critics come face to face with asylum seekers
The key numbers driving the immigration debate
The incident sparked protests in the Essex town and nationwide. Pic: PA
The girl later told police she “froze” and got “really creeped out”, telling him: “No, I’m 14.”
Kebatu was also found guilty of sexually assaulting a woman – putting his hand on her thigh and trying to kiss her – when she tried to intervene after seeing him talking to the girl again the following day.
He denied all the charges but was convicted earlier this month.
Pic: PA
Kebatu knows ‘Epping is in chaos’ over actions
Prosecutor Stuart Cowen, discussing a pre-sentence report, said Kebatu admitted “he didn’t know the UK was so strict, even though he knew the Ethiopian age of consent was 18”.
Kebatu understood that “Epping is in chaos” because of what he did and that he “had got a lot of migrants in trouble,” Mr Cowen said.
He added that the asylum seeker “felt very sad and felt a lot of remorse,” but added: “The word manipulative is used within the report.”
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Pic: PA
Mr Cowen also read statements from both victims, with the 14-year-old girl, who cannot be named for legal reasons, saying she is now “checking over my shoulder” when she is out with friends.
She said she prepared the statement “so that the man who did this to me understands what he has done to me – a 14-year-old girl”.
She continued: “Every time I go out with my friends, I’m checking over my shoulder.
“Wearing a skirt now makes me feel vulnerable and exposed. Seeing the bench [where the sexual assault took place] reminds me of everything that happened.
“I’m aware there have been protests because of what has happened – I’m lucky that I was not in the country when that happened.”
The adult woman who was sexually assaulted by Kebatu and who also cannot be named for legal reasons, said: “Since the incident, I feel both angered and frustrated.
“He [Kebatu] did not even appear to know that what he’s done was wrong.”
The family of a grooming victim say they are “angry” and “heartbroken” that prosecutors didn’t see a video of her police interview during their investigations.
Jodie Sheeran, then 15, was allegedly taken to a hotel and raped in November 2004.
She’s believed to have been groomed by young men of Pakistani heritage for a year beforehand. Jodie’s son, Jayden, was born nine months later.
A man was charged, but the case was dropped a day before the trial was meant to start in 2005.
Her father, David, said they were told it was because Jodie had a “reckless lifestyle” and was “an unreliable witness”, but that they never received a formal reason.
In July, he told Sky’s The UK Tonight with Sarah-Jane Mee he thinks police “bottled it” because they were worried about being called racist.
Jodie died in November 2022 from an alcohol-related death.
It’s now emerged the Crown Prosecution Service (CPS) didn’t view the video of Jodie’s police interview as it “was not shared with us” and they didn’t know at the time that it still existed.
Instead, they only had a transcript of what she told officers.
It’s unclear exactly why this happened, but Staffordshire Police said the footage was available in 2019, when the CPS and police reviewed the case, and in 2023, when the investigation was opened again.
Jodie Sheeran with her mother Angela
“I don’t know if I’ve been misled [or] it was an accident,” Jodie’s mother, Angela, told Sky News’ Sarah-Jane Mee.
“To suddenly say evidence has been there all along – and I’ve got every single letter, every email to tell me they haven’t got the evidence any more… and then it’s emerged Staffordshire Police did have the evidence after all – it was shocking really.”
The CPS watched the video last month and said the transcript is an accurate representation of what Jodie says on the tape.
However, it hasn’t changed their view that there’s no realistic prospect of conviction – and won’t be taking any further action.
Jodie’s father David (right, with Jayden) says it seems police and CPS ‘didn’t know what one another were doing’
Jodie’s father told Sky News he believes it shows the police and CPS “didn’t know what one another were doing – and it makes you so angry”.
“I feel like they’ve gotten away with it,” added Jodie’s son Jayden. “It’s years on now – I’m grateful they’ve found the evidence but what are they doing about it?”
‘I’ll keep fighting until I get justice’
Angela said it shows that other families in a similar situation shouldn’t “take no for an answer” from police or the CPS.
“Since losing a child, nothing else matters, so I’m not going anywhere,” she said.
“So I will keep fighting and fighting and fighting until I get justice for Jodie – and hopefully justice for probably thousands of other victims out there as well.”
Angela says she will ‘keep fighting until I get justice for Jodie’
A national inquiry into grooming gangs was announced in June after a series of cases uncovered sexual abuse of mainly white girls by men of predominately Pakistani heritage had taken place in a number of towns and cities.
A Staffordshire Police spokesperson said their thoughts remain with Jodie’s family and that a “significant amount of work has been undertaken reviewing this case several times”.
They said the interview video was “available to the Senior Investigating Officers in 2019 and 2023” and a “comprehensive contemporaneous written record” of it was given to the CPS on both occasions.
The statement added: “In August 2025, a copy of the recording was provided to the CPS who conducted due diligence to ensure the contemporaneous written record of Jodie’s ABE interview, that they reviewed in 2019 and 2023, was an accurate account of the video recording. They have confirmed this is the case.”
Read more:
Telford child abuse victims speak out
What we know about grooming gangs, from the data
The women who blew whistle on Rotherham
Jodie died in November 2022
Police said the case had been submitted for a further evidential review.
“Should any new evidence come to light, it will be referred to the CPS for their consideration,” the spokesperson added.
The CPS said: “We carried out reviews of our decision-making in this case in 2019 and 2023 using records provided by Staffordshire Police – both these reviews found that there was not enough evidence to charge the suspect with rape.
“While we requested all available records, Jodie’s video interview from 2005 was not shared with us, we were not informed that it had been retained, and it was only made available to our prosecutors recently after further requests.
“Having cross-referenced the video with detailed accounts of it previously available to us, we have determined that the conclusions we reached in our previous reviews still stand.”
:: Watch the full interview on The UK Tonight with Sarah-Jane Mee from 8pm on Tuesday
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