‘Don’t man up, talk it through’ – men urged to confront mental health problems
It’s a rare thing, a group of men in a room, talking about their mental health. They have all led difficult lives, and they don’t usually talk about it.
They throw a ball around the room to indicate whose turn it is to speak. “When a man talks about his emotions he is often told, ‘don’t be a girl… man up’,” offers one participant, Harry Lambert.
He has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and describes not airing problems as like “allowing a poison to build up inside”.
Harry Lambert has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder
This mentoring weekend, offered by the charity Oak London, is an opportunity for these men to release some of that poison.
Charities warn this time of year can be extra difficult for those struggling with their mental health.
Men are more likely to go missing, sleep rough, and become dependent on drugs and alcohol – all contributing to a higher suicide rate compared to women. It is the most common cause of death for men under 50.
In the room with sofas around the edge, the men – mostly in their 20s – have come from various unstable settings.
Some are referred from probation services, others have been homeless and responded to flyers put out in London hostels offering a retreat to Bristol and a weekend to “escape your everyday surroundings” and “develop your relationship with yourself and others”.
The first section of the session is about recognising the stereotypes of manhood. Participants offer up words for the whiteboard – including dominant, macho, stoic.
Physically, all of them size up more than most to these expectations, but as their tattooed hands write down shortcomings on pieces of paper, the insecurities come to light.
“You make people scared,” one writes.
‘A lot of people don’t show emotion’
This prompts a discussion about how they should respond when someone is visibly scared of them as they walk down the street.
“I feel like if I’ve scared you, I feel like the one thing I don’t want to then do, is approach you and say, like, ‘sorry’.”
The other men agree this wouldn’t work, but all recognise the sense of isolation their physical appearance can create. At the same time, they accept, they often want to look tough.
“A lot of people I know, they don’t show any sort of emotion,” says Shareef Venson, an ex-participant and now helper.
“But you can see that they’re struggling with certain issues. It’s just that they feel like they can’t physically show it.”
Several factors that affect men’s mental health
Benjamin Kuti, a soft-spoken young man, had a difficult childhood, often without his mother present. He has dyspraxia but says many factors can play on his mental health.
Benjamin Kuti says many factors can play on his mental health
“Being unemployed, for example, or even just being isolated. That can just impact your psychological state. It’s a very small, blurred line. I really struggle to create meaningful relationships with people where it’s like, this person actually sees me, or this person actually likes me – for me.”
Wealth, and failing to accumulate it, is another recurring theme.
The handwritten sticky notes are attached to bricks and Shareef stands in the middle while the men pile them into his arms saying the words on the paper: “You scare people”, “you failed in your job”, “you have a low self-esteem”. One of the last ones reads, “you should jump”.
Loaded up with all the notes a mentor asks Shareef: “How would it feel going for a job carrying all those bricks?”
“I wouldn’t apply for anything,” he says.
One of the exercises the men do to tackle their mental health struggles
And so, the lesson is to try to remove them, reject them, pass them back, put them on the floor, share them out, so you carry fewer.
Rare opportunity to talk about struggles
Mental health among men often goes undiagnosed. Only about half of those suffering from a mental health problem seek help. That means they often carry the burden alone.
Jos Lucas, founder of Oak London, says: “Because we’re outside of London, outside of distractions, outside of people having to look over their shoulder every minute… I think it naturally happens, in group discussions, that people do feel that they can trust each other, they can talk about things that they might not otherwise have the opportunity to talk about.”
Jos Lucas, founder of Oak London
Harry, who has self-harmed and struggled with depression and anxiety since the age of 13 says he didn’t get a diagnosis for his personality disorder until he was 19.
He describes his symptoms as “heightened anxiety, heightened depression, major mood swings, manic episodes and extremely depressive episodes, along with things like suicidal thoughts and tendency to things like addiction”.
He is still on the waiting list for therapy. The conversations he has had with other men at the Oak London project have been some of the most open and honest he’s ever had.
‘I can talk openly without being judged’
He said: “A lot of times you talk to your friends and especially with men, you talk to them and say, how are you doing People say ‘Yeah, I’m good,’ and they won’t be good because they think you either don’t care or they think you don’t hear it, or they’re worried that you’re going to judge them.”
“Whereas here in Oak London, this is the only place I’ve ever been to where I felt I can go and I can talk openly without being judged, while trying to help other people and help myself.
“It’s okay to be vulnerable. And I think that’s the message that urgently needs to be out there, because there’s so much stigma around how a man needs to be dominant, masculine and stoic, but if you’re an emotional man, a sensitive man, embrace that, that’s okay. And if you feel like you want to talk, talk to someone.”
Back in London, life’s troubles await these young men but addressing them by saying them out loud, and hearing of them in others, may just help.
An amber warning for snow and ice, with the risk of freezing rain, covers most of Wales and central England until midday on Sunday.
Freezing rain, which makes up what are commonly known as ice storms in North America, is a rarity in the UK because the conditions for it are quite specific, according to the Met Office.
But what is it and how is it different to snow?
Freezing rain is rainfall that has become “supercooled” as it falls from the sky.
Up to 30cm of snow expected in parts of UK – follow live
It starts when snow, ice, sleet or hail high up in the atmosphere melts into rain when it falls through the layers of warmer air below.
If the rain then passes through a sub-zero layer of air just above the ground, it can remain liquid and instead become “supercooled”. This is the key to freezing rain.
Supercooled water will freeze on impact – forming a clear layer of ice on cold surfaces such as trees, roads and power lines.
Why is it dangerous?
It’s once it hits the surface and turns to ice that it can pose a real threat.
The ice is very clear, often referred to as black ice, because it is so difficult to see, making it treacherous for pedestrians and drivers.
Freezing rain on a car. Pic: iStock
Sky News meteorologist Kirsty McCabe explains: “The supercooled rain hits the ground and freezes instantly on impact, and that creates a thin layer of ice, also known as glaze, and it’s clear, so you can’t see the ice, which makes it really treacherous.”
If it hits power lines or tree branches, depending on how much rain there has been, the weight of the ice can cause them to break off because they can’t support the weight.
It can also make it difficult to open your car door if there is enough of it.
Get the five-day forecast where you are
Where is it expected to fall?
From 6pm on Saturday to midday on Sunday an amber warning for snow and ice, with the risk of freezing rain, covers most of Wales and central England, including the Midlands and Liverpool and Manchester in the North West.
But McCabe says it’s Wales where people should be particularly wary of freezing rain.
What precautions should people take?
The best thing people can do is take extra care when travelling. As it is so hard to see, it’s difficult to judge just how icy road surfaces are.
The RAC says freezing rain is arguably the most treacherous of all conditions for motorists.
They urge people not to drive unless necessary, but say those who do need to should check they have plenty of fuel and oil and check their tyre treads.
They also encourage drivers to make sure their lights are working and check they have screenwash.
UK
King deeply saddened by death of Briton in New Orleans attack – as reports say victim is stepson of ex-royal nanny
The King is deeply saddened by the death of a British man who was killed in the attack in New Orleans on New Year’s Day – amid reports he was the stepson of an ex-royal nanny.
Edward Pettifer, from Chelsea, west London, was fatally injured in the tragedy, the Metropolitan Police confirmed.
Sky News understands the King was made aware of Mr Pettifer’s death through official channels, was deeply saddened, and has been in touch with the family to share personal condolences.
The 31-year-old’s family said they were “devastated” by his death.
“He was a wonderful son, brother, grandson, nephew and a friend to so many,” the family said in a statement.
“We will all miss him terribly. Our thoughts are with the other families who have lost their family members due to this terrible attack. We request that we can grieve the loss of Ed as a family in private.”
New Orleans’ coroner said the preliminary cause of death for Mr Pettifer was blunt force injuries.
Emergency crews at the scene of the attack. Pic: AP
FBI agents at the scene. Pic: Reuters
Fourteen people were killed and dozens injured when 42-year-old army veteran Shamsud-Din Jabbar’s rented truck rammed into people in New Orleans’ famous Bourbon Street in the early hours of New Year’s Day.
Jabbar was killed in a shootout with police.
The Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) said the attack was “premeditated” and an “evil” act of terrorism, and added Jabbar was “100% inspired by ISIS”, also known as Islamic State.
An IS flag was attached to the pick-up truck that was driven down Bourbon Street
The preliminary cause of death for all the victims was blunt force injuries, according to the New Orleans coroner.
The coroner has identified most of those killed in the attack, with efforts continuing to identify the final female victim.
• Edward Pettifer, 31, from Chelsea, west London
• Andrew Dauphin, 26, from Montgomery, Alabama
• Kareem Badawi, 23, from Baton Rouge, Louisiana
• Brandon Taylor, 43, from Harvey, Louisiana
• Hubert Gauthreaux, 21, from Gretna, Louisiana
• Matthew Tenedorio, 25, from Picayune, Mississippi
• Ni’Kyra Dedeaux, 18, from Gulfport, Mississippi
• Nicole Perez, 27, from Metairie, Louisiana
• Reggie Hunter, 37, from Prairieville, Louisiana
• Martin Bech, 27, from New York City, New York
• Terrence Kennedy, 63, from New Orleans, Louisiana
• Elliot Wilkinson, 40, from Slidell, Louisiana
• William DiMaio, 25, from Holmdel, New Jersey
Some of the victims of the New Orleans attack, clockwise from top left: Reggie Hunter, Martin ‘Tiger’ Bech, Nicole Perez and Matthew Tenedorio
William DiMaio (left) and Terrence Kennedy
Read more:
What we know about suspect
British man, aspiring nurse and Princeton University football player among victims
Did New Orleans authorities fail the victims of the New Year terror attack?
An Islamic State (IS) flag, weapons, and what appeared to be an improvised explosive device (IED) were found in the vehicle used in the attack, the FBI said.
The suspect posted five videos on social media before the rampage in support of IS, the agency added.
In his first clip, Jabbar said he was planning to harm his own family and friends, but was concerned headlines would not focus on the “war between the believers and disbelievers”, said Christopher Raia, deputy assistant director of the FBI’s counter-terrorism division.
Jabbar also joined IS “before this summer”, and provided a will, the FBI chief said.
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The half-brother of the attack suspect said ‘this wasn’t the man I knew’
In an interview with a Texas-based TV station, owned by Sky News’ partner network NBC News, Jabbar’s younger half-brother said he was thinking about all those impacted by the attack.
Abdur-Rahim Jabbar said: “This is a tragedy. We’re all grieving about this.”
The suspect was a Muslim, with his sibling adding: “This wasn’t the man I knew. This wasn’t the father, the son that I knew.
“And that also, this isn’t any representation of Islam or Muslims or the Muslim community.”
Stargazers spied an unusual sight on Friday night, as Venus appeared beside a crescent moon.
The planet could be seen with the naked eye in locations lucky enough to have clear skies and incredible pictures show it seemingly shining.
Venus is often called the Morning or Evening Star, as it can easily be mistaken for a bright star.
The view from Sieversdorf, Germany. Pic: AP
The Moon and Venus straddle a cross on top of Quebec Baptist Church in Ellaville, Georgia. Pic: Reuters
January looks set to be a good month for stargazers and astronomers, as numerous celestial phenomena will be visible across the coming weeks.
The Quadrantid meteor shower is at its peak this weekend and visible until 12 January.
Venus – seen here from Georgia, USA – didn’t appear as bright when viewed from the States. Pic: Reuters
On 16 January, there’s a strong chance you’ll be able to see Mars as the red planet will be in “opposition”, meaning Earth will be directly between it and the sun.
Just under a week later, on 21 January, you could see five planets – Saturn, Venus, Uranus, Jupiter and Mars – in the night sky after 9pm, according to the Royal Observatory Greenwich.
More from Sky News:
NASA spacecraft survives approach to the sun
Stranded astronauts send message from space
Four of the planets should be visible to the naked eye, but seeing Uranus will require a telescope or very dark skies.
Anyone hoping to spot celestial phenomena is advised to find a stargazing spot away from light pollution and to allow at least 15 minutes for your eyes to adjust to the darkness.
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