‘It’s not you, it’s dating’: Where is modern love going wrong?
It’s more than 10 years since Tinder launched its way into our phones – and our love lives – promising romance at the swipe of a thumb.
Just under five million adults in the UK visited an online dating service (app and websites) last year, according to Ofcom’s Online Nation Report.
But analysts are questioning whether the novelty is starting to wear off, as usage of the 10 biggest apps dropped 16% between 2023 and 2024.
Tinder revolutionised romance as the first dating app in 2012 – and it is still the largest one in Match group’s portfolio. But even it lost more than half a million users in the last year.
“Dating fatigue” appears to dominate the cultural landscape – some 78% of dating app users say they feel “emotionally, mentally, or physically exhausted” by them, according to a 2024 study by Forbes Health, and a 2023 YouGov survey found that 46% of Brits say their dating app experiences have been bad.
I have stayed off the apps entirely, except for one impulsive evening with Hinge – one of the more popular ones among my age group. I’m not sure love can be found through swiping on a screen, and it seems I’m not alone.
So what exactly has gone wrong with finding modern love – and how can we hope to find a connection?
Can we find love by swiping left and right?
Frogs and filters
With 10% of adults visiting a dating site – and almost 4% visiting one daily according to Ofcom – there is no sign they are going anywhere fast, even if numbers are dropping.
Among the newcomers is Cherry.
It categorises users into three “vibes” – casual, go-with-the-flow and meaningful – to match intentions and ensure genuine connections.
There are also coaches available on the app because CEO Jo Mason believes people need to work on themselves before embarking on relationships with others.
Jo Mason is the founder of Cherry
“They’re hiding behind filtered photos, they’re hiding behind a phone, they’re hiding behind something all the time,” Jo says.
The app’s slogan is “kiss fewer frogs”, and the brand ambassador – a frog’s mask – is sitting on the table next to us.
According to a Cherry study, 58% of people dating feel exhausted by the process of swiping and superficial interactions, while 40% say their motivation to meet someone has decreased as a result.
Jo tells me she built Cherry out of “frustration”, adding: “Your options of trying to meet someone are either at the gym, bump into them at the supermarket, or through work, other than that it’s apps.”
Jo’s mascot is a frog, her slogan ‘kiss fewer frogs’
‘Dating just seems to be all admin’
Thursday, an app launched in 2021, operates exclusively one day a week on – you guessed it, Thursdays – to encourage quick decision-making and in-person meetings.
Co-founder George Rawlings and I meet as we head to an over-30s singles event for users of the app in London at The Shard.
“We’re trying to destigmatise that whole thing around speed dating to make it normal,” George tells me.
“Is it awkward?” I ask, letting my intrusive thoughts win.
He laughs. “This is a different way of dating, we have obviously become so reliant on the apps for years but we’re giving people new opportunities to meet people in an ‘IRL’ way’.”
I want to know if these types of event are awkward – George tells me they can be
I still can’t believe how that phrase – in real life – has become an acronym, but at the same time, it is not surprising.
“My resolution for this year is to meet someone organically,” one man tells me at the event.
“[Dating] isn’t as fun as it used to be, now it just seems to be all admin,” another says. A family member told me the same thing that week – going through the apps these days is like reading and responding to emails.
One person likens it to a networking event: “There is an unspoken pressure that everyone is single.”
Attendees at a singles event in The Shard
As I finish speaking to someone, a man approaches me and asks what I am filming.
When I tell him anyone who hasn’t given consent won’t be identified, he looks relieved.
“Phew,” he says, laughing.
“Because my wife will kill me if she finds out I am here.”
So what happens if you ditch the apps?
On the theme of meeting in real life, my friends and I – over 30 and single – decided to go out one evening in London to see the dating scene for ourselves.
Perhaps the future of dating isn’t found in an app but in the world right in front of us.
But we were wrong. We didn’t get approached once.
People are glued to their phones – from texting in the middle of conversations to scrolling through dating apps while sitting across from someone at dinner, it seems we are physically present but mentally elsewhere.
It felt like a brave act just going up to people and talking or asking dating questions.
“I feel a woman should never go look for a man,” one of my friends tells me afterwards. “That is probably why I am still single – because a lot of girls do shoot their shot now, they have the confidence to ask guys out.
“I even see girls getting on one knee.”
Charlene Douglas, a relationship expert, specialising in psychodynamic counselling, who is a regular guest on the TV show Married At First Sight, admits then “men don’t always know where they fit in” when it comes to modern dating.
“To wait for a guy to approach us, I think it is a bit…1950s,” she says.
“I think in 2025, we can say hi to a guy or we can just strike up a conversation. We’re good at talking, us women, right?”
Charlene Douglas, a relationship expert, has worked on Married At First Sight
From online to artificial
It’s clear the emotional toll of online dating is becoming harder to ignore – so it comes as no surprise that some daters are turning to AI chatbots to help them respond to messages from strangers.
One woman, who wanted to remain anonymous, told me that she even inputs messages from men she is speaking to into ChatGPT because it offers reassurance and clarity when she feels in doubt.
Rather than speaking to friends about relationships, AI can suggest possible interpretations in a “non-biased” and “simplified” way, she says.
“I over analyse things a lot anyway. So ChatGPT just simplifies it for me.”
Apps such as Replika and Blush are designed to provide AI companions for emotional support, and in some cases, even mimic romantic or intimate human relationships.
It’s been reported that loneliness can be as damaging to health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day, according to the World Health Organisation – but is AI just a sticking plaster on a larger problem?
Read more:
My AI girlfriend saved my marriage
Can AI help with dating app success?
AI is having an increasing role in dating
Do people know what they want?
Milly has created a Singles’ Society group on Instagram where she posts daily affirmations. Her videos have reached millions of people – including me.
“I felt so alone in this whole dating world,” she says.
“I was honestly so surprised that everyone else was having similar experiences.”
She plans to start events, including speed dating.
But Milly has a theory when it comes to the problem with modern dating – “It all comes down to people not knowing what they want.”
Milly G, content creator, built the Single’s Society on Instagram
Relationship expert Charlene thinks the answer is more education in school.
“Young people try and work out how to do relationships themselves based on what they have seen at home and what they have seen around them,” she says. “But they don’t really always know how to have healthy relationships.”
So, despite the dating fatigue, I doubt dating apps are going anywhere, with new versions cropping up every day. And for some people, they can work.
Alex met her girlfriend Molly unexpectedly on one of the more popular apps, Hinge – they are now celebrating three years together: “We are currently in the flat we bought together, so I think you could say it is going quite well.”
Molly adds: “I think it’s quite good we had the option of online dating – I don’t think our paths would have crossed otherwise.”
Alex agrees: “With online dating, you get so many people, it almost feels like a numbers game, but it really does give you the opportunity to meet so many people that you wouldn’t otherwise.
“There are people out there – there are fabulous people out there, and you will find your person one day.”
UK
Teenager living in ‘continuous pain’ after surgeon Dr Yaser Jabbar carried out ‘inappropriate’ operations
A 15-year-old boy who was operated on twice by a now unlicensed Great Ormond Street surgeon is living with “continuous” pain.
Finias Sandu has been told by an independent review the procedures he underwent on both his legs were “unacceptable” and “inappropriate” for his age.
The teenager from Essex was born with a condition that causes curved bones in his legs.
Aged seven, a reconstructive procedure was carried out on Finias’s left leg, lengthening the limb by 3.5cm.
A few years later, the same operation was carried out on his right leg which involved wearing an invasive and heavy metal frame for months.
He has now been told by independent experts these procedures should not have taken place and concerns have been raised over a lack of imaging being taken prior to the operations.
Yaser Jabbar rescinded his UK medical licence last year. Pic: LinkedIn
His doctor at London’s prestigious Great Ormond Street Hospital was former consultant orthopaedic surgeon Yaser Jabbar. Sky News has spoken to others he treated.
Mr Jabbar also did not arrange for updated scans or for relevant X-rays to be conducted ahead of the procedures.
The surgeries have been found to have caused Finias “harm” and left him in constant pain.
“The pain is there every day, every day I’m continuously in pain,” he told Sky News.
“It’s not something really sharp, although it does get to a certain point where it hurts quite a lot, but it’s always there. It just doesn’t leave, it’s a companion to me, just always there.”
Read more:
Girl who had leg amputated suffered harm during surgeon’s care
Child, 11, in wheelchair after surgeon’s operations
Hospital accused of ‘covering up’ concerns about suspended surgeon
Finias’s surgery pictures
Care of over 700 patients being assessed
Mr Jabbar rescinded his UK medical licence in January last year after working at Great Ormond Street between 2017 and 2022.
The care of his 700-plus patients is being assessed, with some facing corrective surgery, among them Finias.
“Trusting somebody is hard to do, knowing what they have done to me physically and emotionally, you know, it’s just too much to comprehend for me,” he said.
“It wasn’t something just physically, like my leg pain and everything else. It was emotionally, because I put my trust in that specific doctor. My parents and I don’t really understand the more scientific terms, we just went by what he said.”
Doctors refused to treat Finias because of his surgeries
Finias and his family relocated to their native Romania soon after the reconstructive frame was removed from his right leg in the summer of 2021.
The pain worsened and they sought advice from doctors in Romania, who refused to treat Finias because of the impact of his surgeries.
Dozens of families seeking legal claims
His mother Cornelia Sandu is “furious” and feels her trust in the hospital has been shattered. They are now among dozens of families seeking legal claims.
Cyrus Plaza from Hudgell Solicitors is representing the family. He said: “In cases where it has been identified that harm was caused, we want to see Great Ormond Street Hospital agreeing to pay interim payments of compensation for the children, so that if they need therapy or treatment now, they can access it.”
Finias is accessing therapy and mental health support as he prepares for corrective surgery later in the year.
A spokesperson for Great Ormond Street Hospital told Sky News: “We are deeply sorry to Finias and his family, and all the patients and families who have been impacted.
“We want every patient and family who comes to our hospital to feel safe and cared for. We will always discuss concerns families may have and, where they submit claims, we will work to ensure the legal process can be resolved as quickly as possible.”
Finias with his mother and sister
Service not ‘safe for patients’
Sky News has attempted to contact Mr Jabbar.
An external review into the wider orthopaedic department at the hospital began in September 2022.
It was commissioned after the Royal College of Surgeons warned the hospital’s lower limb reconstruction service was not “safe for patients or adequate to meet demand”.
The investigation is expected to be completed by the end of the year.
Sir Keir Starmer has said closer ties with the EU will be good for the UK’s jobs, bills and borders ahead of a summit where he could announce a deal with the bloc.
The government is set to host EU leaders in London on Monday as part of its efforts to “reset” relations post-Brexit.
A deal granting the UK access to a major EU defence fund could be on the table, according to reports – but disagreements over a youth mobility scheme and fishing rights could prove to be a stumbling block.
The prime minister has appeared to signal a youth mobility deal could be possible, telling The Times that while freedom of movement is a “red line”, youth mobility does not come under this.
His comment comes after Kaja Kallas, the EU’s high representative for foreign affairs, said on Friday work on a defence deal was progressing but “we’re not there yet”.
Sir Keir met European Commission president Ursula von der Leyen later that day while at a summit in Albania.
Ursula von der Leyen and Sir Keir had a brief meeting earlier this week. Pic: PA
If agreed, the deal will be the third in two weeks, following trade agreements with India and the US.
Sir Keir said: “First India, then the United States – in the last two weeks alone that’s jobs saved, faster growth and wages rising.
“More money in the pockets of British working people, achieved through striking deals not striking poses.
“Tomorrow, we take another step forward, with yet more benefits for the United Kingdom as the result of a strengthened partnership with the European Union.”
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Humza Yousaf hits out at Starmer’s ‘dog whistle’ stance on immigration
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Conservative leader Kemi Badenoch has said she is “worried” about what the PM might have negotiated.
Ms Badenoch – who has promised to rip up the deal with the EU if it breaches her red lines on Brexit – said: “Labour should have used this review of our EU trade deal to secure new wins for Britain, such as an EU-wide agreement on Brits using e-gates on the continent.
“Instead, it sounds like we’re giving away our fishing quotas, becoming a rule-taker from Brussels once again and getting free movement by the back door. This isn’t a reset, it’s a surrender.”
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