‘I can’t defend what he did’: Why I stayed with my child sex offender husband

Published

2 years ago

December 4, 2023

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Sarah* was a “smug married” woman with a “middle-class, middle-everything life”, before a knock on the door brought her world crashing down.

Early one morning, the day before her son’s birthday, she awoke to find police officers in her bedroom. Her husband was standing there with the police – their “really average” life would never be the same again.

“The first thing I knew, the doorbell was ringing,” she says. Shame-faced, her husband – who was always a stickler for following rules – said he had been arrested.

When she asked him why, he just replied: “Images.”

He was quickly escorted out by officers and taken away for questioning. Hundreds of indecent images of children had been found on his computer, including three Category A – the most serious.

As every corner of their home – cupboards, drawers, the attic and garage – was searched, a panicked Sarah asked the forensic officers if they wanted a cup of tea. Then a detective sat her down in their usually neat living room, and described the illegal images her husband had viewed in such detail it left her wondering if “they wanted to add to the shock value”.

She is still haunted by the memory of her two children crying, while police ransacked their house. “I didn’t really focus on them,” she says, her voice cracking. “In hindsight, I should have been with the children and ignored everything else.”

A working mother in her late-40s, Sarah is neatly dressed and well-spoken. The horror of that moment will never leave her, but she hopes that telling her story might help anyone going through something similar.

She sips a cup of tea, while reflecting on the nightmare that rocked her family’s life several years ago. Police, informally, call this type of arrest “The Knock”.

It is a raid on the home where every electronic and telecommunications device in the property is searched for, scanned on-site or confiscated.

All her photographs of her children from the day they were born to the day of the arrest were lost, Sarah says, because they were stored on the main computer, alongside the child abuse images.

After he was convicted, the judge ordered the computer to be destroyed.

Typically, warrants are executed early in the morning to reduce the chance of an offender destroying possible evidence. But that can make it more likely that children will be home at the time of arrest.

For Sarah, the feeling of being judged was overwhelming. Their house was in a small cul-de-sac and she was certain her neighbours would call and ask what was going on: “It was obvious something big was happening in our house.”

But the phone never rang.

After his initial arrest that day, Sarah’s husband was bailed and returned to the family home. The pair sat down on the sofa and had a long conversation about the future. But a few hours later, social services arrived and told him to pack a bag and go.

“I was in a state of shock, the children were beside themselves. My husband was confused, and quite rightly, in a state of utter shame.”

Months of agonising followed but in the end Sarah decided to support her husband and keep the family together. While she would “never defend” what he did, she says, her children were a “huge factor” in her decision.

Her husband was eventually found guilty of viewing and copying more than 500 indecent images of children, aged 11 to 18. A year after their home was raided, he received a community sentence.

To help her cope, Sarah tried to understand what was going through his mind and what motivated him to look at those images. She also spoke to experts to find out how likely it was he would move from looking at images to offending against children.

She was psychologically tested and questioned by social services and other agencies, as they asked her to justify her choice. Her children also underwent questioning.

At the same time, Sarah says she and the children received no support for the trauma that had been caused to them by her husband’s crime, which new research shows can induce the same level of post-traumatic stress as war-zone combat.

“I felt so isolated,” she says. “They made it clear to me that I was unique in my decision.”

But anecdotally, police say around 50% of people choose to stay with their sex offender partners. “There must be more than me in the UK, that choose to stay as well? But how do you come across those people? Because nobody would ever, ever, talk about it openly,” she says.

In England and Wales, police forces make more than 850 arrests a month for online child sex offences. The majority of suspects are men who can have families living with them at the time of the offence.

Thousands of children every year now have to deal with the vicarious shame and stigma that’s associated with such a crime.

Dr Theresa Redmond, a professor for the eastern region policing institute at Anglia Ruskin University, describes the situation for those affected as a “high risk in terms of self-harm, suicide ideation”, especially once all the other emotional, financial and physical impacts are taken into account.

Many families, like Sarah’s, move home and put their children in different schools to avoid being targeted once the crime becomes known. But – whether or not partners choose to stay with the offender – there is no mandatory support for families.

“The police left some leaflets with my husband,” Sarah tells me, “for support for him.” For her and the children, she says, “There was nothing.”

Now, her family are trying to make a new start.

But the reality is wherever they go the shadow of her husband’s crime will always follow them: “If we go to a doctor’s appointment, it is on the file. If we go to the paediatrician, it’s on the file. The school, it’s on the file.”

Every time the doorbell rings, she feels a sense of dread. “I don’t answer the door anymore.”

She also harbours fears for the future implications of her choice to stay. Her children say they love their father and have forgiven him but she is worried about what happens when they grow up.

“If they have children and tell their partners what happened, will they then decide that my husband and I aren’t appropriate to get involved with their children?” she says, sounding fearful.

“I’ll never escape the choice I made.”

*Names have been changed

Anyone feeling emotionally distressed or suicidal can call Samaritans for help on 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org in the UK. In the US, call the Samaritans branch in your area or 1 (800) 273-TALK

UK

Sir Keir Starmer could be ousted as PM within months, two senior Labour MPs tell Sky News

Published

4 hours ago

July 3, 2025

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Sir Keir Starmer could be ousted as PM within months, two senior Labour MPs tell Sky News

Two senior Labour MPs have suggested the prime minister may have to go within months if the government continues to perform poorly.

Sky News’ deputy political editor Sam Coates said his sources – a member of the government and a prominent politician – have “put Sir Keir Starmer on notice”.

Both warned that, if Labour performs badly in next May’s elections across Wales, Scotland and London, it could mark the end of his time in Downing Street.

Coates added: “The level of unhappiness and despair in parts of the Labour Party is so striking that right now, on the first anniversary, I am hearing from ministers in government that Starmer might have to go in months.”

Reform UK is surging in the polls in Wales, while Labour faces a threat from left-wing parties such as the Greens in London.

It comes as the prime minister made it clear that Rachel Reeves has his “complete support” as chancellor and remains integral to his project, Sky News’s political editor Beth Rigby understands.

She looked visibly upset during Prime Minister’s Questions, with a spokesperson claiming she had been affected by a “personal matter”.

A day earlier, Sir Keir’s controversial welfare bill was passed despite a sizeable rebellion from Labour MPs, with major U-turns meaning a new £5bn black hole has appeared in the country’s finances.

One senior figure told Rigby that the pair were as “as close politically” as any chancellor and prime minister have ever been.

“She is going absolutely nowhere,” they added.

Ms Reeves’s tears sent markets spiralling, with the value of the pound and long-term government bonds falling sharply.

Later in the day Sir Keir, said Ms Reeves will be chancellor for a “very long time to come”.

The prime minister said it was “absolutely wrong” to suggest her tearful appearance in the Commons related to the welfare U-turn.

“It’s got nothing to do with politics, nothing to do with what’s happened this week. It was a personal matter for her,” he said while speaking to the BBC’s podcast Political Thinking with Nick Robinson.

“I’m not going to intrude on her privacy by talking to you about that. It is a personal matter.”

Asked if she will remain in post, he said: “She will be chancellor by the time this is broadcast, she will be chancellor for a very long time to come, because this project that we’ve been working on to change the Labour party, to win the election, change the country, that is a project which the chancellor and I’ve been working on together.”

He said Ms Reeves has done a “fantastic job” and added: “She and I work together, we think together. In the past, there have been examples – I won’t give any specific – of chancellors and prime ministers who weren’t in lockstep. We’re in lockstep.”

Wes Streeting, the health secretary, also offered a strong defence for the prime minister and chancellor.

He told Sky News this morning that Sir Keir has been “consistently underestimated” and was “of course” safe as prime minister.

And he said Ms Reeves was a “tough character” who was ” resilient” and “here to stay”.

UK

Greater Manchester Police investigating grooming cases with more than 700 victims

Published

4 hours ago

July 3, 2025

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Greater Manchester Police investigating grooming cases with more than 700 victims

Despite making “significant improvements”, Greater Manchester Police (GMP) has lost the “trust and confidence” of some victims of grooming gangs, according to a report by the police watchdog.

Michelle Skeer, His Majesty’s Inspector of Constabulary, said that since 2019, when GMP started to review its non-recent child sexual exploitation investigations, “the force has improved its understanding and approach to investigating allegations of child criminal and sexual exploitation”.

The document, published today, said police have live investigations into “multi-victim, multi-offender” child sexual exploitation inquiries, involving 714 victims and survivors, and 1,099 suspects.

Grooming gangs scandal timeline

But despite recording improvements, a report by His Majesty’s Inspectorate of Constabulary and Fire & Rescue Services (HMICFRS) also identified:

• Various training gaps within the investigation team
• Lack of consistency in evaluating case files between social care, health and police
• Failures to initially support victims meant they had “lost trust and confidence” in police

The report was commissioned by the Mayor of Greater Manchester Andy Burnham in 2024 to evaluate whether police, councils and health services can protect children from sexual exploitation in the future.

Its release comes days after Sir Keir Starmer announced he was launching a new national inquiry into grooming gangs after previously arguing one was not necessary,

The findings were issued as the final part of the CSE (child sexual exploitation) Assurance Review process which started in 2017. The first three reports examined non-recent child sexual exploitation in Manchester, Oldham and Rochdale.

Mr Skeer said that the force has been trying to improve its service to those who have experienced sexual exploitation, but previous failings have badly affected trust in GMP.

He said: “For some, trust and confidence in the police had been lost, and the force would not be able to rectify their experiences.

“It is vital that improvements are led by victims’ experiences, and if they do come forward, they are supported, protected and taken seriously.”

A recent report by Baroness Casey found a significant over-representation of Asian men who are suspects in grooming gangs in Greater Manchester, adding though authorities are in “denial” more needs to be done to understand why this is the case.

Inspectors also said there were “training gaps” in some investigation teams and issues with data sharing, with local councils sometimes not willing to provide detectives with information, leading to “significant delays in investigations” into grooming gangs.

It cites problems with intelligence provided by Manchester City Council, which took months to arrive and “was so heavily redacted that some pages contained only a few words”, the report said.

GMP is the only force in the country to set up a dedicated team to investigate grooming gangs. Called the Child Sexual Exploitation Major Investigation Team (CSE MIT) it has about 100 staff and a ringfenced budget.

In October 2024, the force told inspectors there were 59 live multi-victim, multi-offender child sexual exploitation investigations, of which 13 were being managed by the CSE MIT.

The report adds: “The force fully accepts that it made mistakes in the past.

“It has taken positive and effective steps to learn from these mistakes and improve how it investigates recent and non-recent child sexual exploitation.”

Separately, the Baird Inquiry published in July 2024 found officers at GMP were abusing their power – making unlawful arrests, unlawful and demeaning strip searches, sometimes treating victims as perpetrators, and traumatising those who have suffered sexual abuse or domestic violence.

UK

Wes Streeting defends chancellor and PM ahead of ‘seismic’ 10-year plan for NHS

Published

4 hours ago

July 3, 2025

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Wes Streeting defends chancellor and PM ahead of 'seismic' 10-year plan for NHS

The health secretary has offered a strong defence of the prime minister and chancellor – ahead of Sir Keir Starmer setting out his 10-year vision for the NHS.

PM ‘might have to go in months’ – politics latest

Wes Streeting dismissed suggestions the prime minister could be forced out in months following the toughest week of his premiership yet, and described Rachel Reeves as “resilient” and would “bounce back” following her tearful appearance in the Commons on Wednesday.

Overnight, two senior sources – a member of the government and a prominent politician – told Sky News’ deputy political editor Sam Coates that they had “put Sir Keir Starmer on notice”.

The health secretary, who was speaking as Sir Keir prepares to set out his 10-year vision for the NHS, said the prime minister had been “consistently underestimated”.

Asked by Kamali Melbourne on Sky News Breakfast whether Sir Keir was “safe”, Mr Streeting said: “Of course.

“Keir Starmer has been consistently underestimated. I wonder when people will learn.

“They said he couldn’t win the Labour leadership, but he did. They said he couldn’t change the Labour Party, but he did.

“They said he couldn’t take the Labour Party from its worst defeat since the 1930s to election victory last year. And he did and now the cynics say he can’t change the country, but he will.”

As for Ms Reeves – whose tearful appearance in the Commons spooked markets after the prime minister initially failed to back her, Mr Streeting said the chancellor was a “tough character” who was “resilient and she will bounce back”.

The health secretary declined to expand on why Ms Reeves was in the chamber at all yesterday, repeating that it was a personal matter.

“Rachel Reeves as chancellor is here to stay,” he continued.

“We need her to get the economy from strength to strength, to make sure that family finances are in better health than we were when we came into office.”

Speculation about the futures of the two most senior members of the government threaten to overshadow the announcement today, which the government says is “one of the most seismic shifts” in the health service’s history.

Sir Keir will pledge three main facets of the plan: moving care into the community, digitising the NHS, and a focus on sickness prevention.

The prime minister will announce neighbourhood health services will be rolled out across England to improve access to the NHS and to shift care out of overstrained hospitals.

Sir Keir has already promised thousands more GPs will be trained, and to end the 8am “scramble” for an appointment.

He also previously said his government will bring the NHS into the digital age, with “groundbreaking” new tools to support GPs rolled out over the next two years – including AI to take notes, draft letters and enter data.

And he will promise new contracts that will encourage and allow GP practices to cover a wider geographical area, so small practices will get more support.

Unite, one of the UK’s largest healthcare unions, welcomed the plan cautiously but said staff need to be the focus to ensure people are better looked after.

‘Reform or die’

Sir Keir said: “The NHS should be there for everyone, whenever they need it.

“But we inherited a health system in crisis, addicted to a sticking plaster approach, and unable to face up to the challenges we face now, let alone in the future.

“That ends now. Because it’s reform or die.”

Neighbourhood health services

The newly announced neighbourhood health services will provide “pioneering teams” in local communities, so patients can more conveniently access a full range of healthcare services close to home.

Local areas will be encouraged to trial innovative schemes like community outreach door-to-door to detect early signs of illness and reduce pressure on GPs and A&E.

The aim is to eventually have new health centres open 12 hours a day, six days a week to offer GP services as well as diagnostics, post-operative care and rehab.

They will also offer services like debt advice, employment support, stop smoking help or weight management.

More NHS dentists

Dentists will also be part of the plan, with dental care professionals part of the neighbourhood teams.

Dental “therapists” will carry out check-ups, treatments and referrals, while dental nurses could give education and advice to parents or work with schools and community groups.

Newly qualified dentists will be required to practice in the NHS for a minimum period, which they have said will be three years.