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In the latest irrelevant political news, President and Venal Houseplant Joe Biden did not attend this weeks U.N. Climate Crisis Conference because hes been dead for six months and the whole climate thing is crap anyway. Making the announcement to what was either the White House Press Corps or a collection of animatronic Pirates of the Caribbean purchased at the Disney asset fire sale, presidential spokeswoman Karine Jean Identity Hire said, Speaking as a black lesbian woman, I want to assure you that this is a president who would be fully engaged in this important issue if he were fully engaged and this were an important issue. As it is, the pressing business of pulling the rug out from under our allies in Ukraine and Israel is commanding what would be all of his attention if he were paying attention, speaking as a black lesbian woman. The press corps responded by drunkenly chasing slave girls around the deck of a burning ship and repeatedly saying, Arrrr as usual.

The late houseplants failure to show up at the U.N. Conference was greeted with anger by climate activists and other suckers. Mentally ill Swedish Girl Greta Thunberg took time off from calling for the slaughter of Jews to protest the presidents irrelevant inaction in an impassioned speech delivered to a gathering of her hallucinations. Thunberg said, Im very disappointed in the presidents remains. He must address this completely invented issue quickly before it develops into a totally imaginary crisis. The world is rapidly growing hotter or colder or whatever its supposed to be doing, and if this continues or stops or whatever its supposed to do next, we will soon be forced to find some other reason to be hysterical and hand over all our freedoms to faceless international bureaucrats or any of the other magical creatures who appear when I go off my meds.

The anger over the lamented presidents failure to show up for the U.N.s urgent gathering of corrupt and sinister grifters is only one of many rifts beginning to appear in the Democrat Party. Polls now show that younger Democrats are becoming disillusioned with the administration because they feel Biden just doesnt hate Jews enough. The leader of Harvards Young Democrat Society, Adolf Jihad, speaking at a riot hosted by the universitys debate club, said, We denounce the presidents support of genocide because he refuses to join Hamas in their stated mission to exterminate the Jewish people so, okay, maybe we dont exactly know what the word genocide means, but then, were Ivy Leaguers so total ignorance has never stopped us from holding insane opinions with absolute self-certainty. WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show

Karine Jean Identity Hire sought to reassure the Nazi Harvard group, saying Speaking as a black lesbian woman, I want to assure the Hitlerian half of the Democrat party, that the vocal support for Jews the president would be expressing if he were still with us will always be backed 100% by clandestine and insidious actions meant to undermine Israeli security and strengthen an Iranian nation bent on eradicating first the Jews and then the rest of us, speaking as a black lesbian woman who is speaking for a black homosexual man who is speaking to Anthony Blinken who is secretly running the government.

Some Democrats fear that the divisions in their party could lower their chances of winning the next election because Biden is now so unpopular that even the mules may cast their packets of forged votes for someone else. But the fact is, the Republican Party is divided as well. Some Republicans, for instance, intend to vote for Donald Trump while others would prefer to shine a magic enlargement ray on Trump and blow him up to the size of Godzilla so he can crush Democrat cities beneath his enormous feet and then devour their inhabitants. Still other Republicans would like to vote for Trump first and then enlarge him so he can unleash his atomic heat ray breath and warm the planet until the rapidly decaying Biden is forced to go to the U.N. climate conference and stink the place up.

The Republicans hope these internal conflicts about Trump will be resolved in the next debate between Nikki Haley and Ron DeSantis.

* * *

Andrew Klavan is the host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, The House of Love and Death, is now available!Follow him on X: @andrewklavan

This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of The Andrew Klavan Show.

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

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YouTuber Jake Paul beats Mike Tyson as boos heard during controversial fight

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YouTuber Jake Paul beats Mike Tyson as boos heard during controversial fight

YouTuber-turned-boxer Jake Paul has defeated one of the greatest-ever fighters, former heavyweight world champion Mike Tyson, who is more than twice his age.

Paul, 27, won the bout via a unanimous points decision at the AT&T Stadium in Arlington, Texas – home of the Dallas Cowboys and the biggest NFL stadium in the US.

The fight was already controversial but then arguably failed to live up to the hype. Boos were heard from the crowd in the final two rounds, after a perceived lack of action.

Afterwards, the pair heaped praise on each other. Paul said: “This man is an icon and it’s just an honour to be able to fight him. And he’s obviously the toughest, baddest man on the planet.”

Tyson, 58, described Paul as a “good fighter” but dismissed the suggestion he was out to prove something.

“I didn’t prove nothing to anybody, only to myself,” he said.

Jake Paul lands a left to Mike Tyson during their heavyweight boxing match, Friday, Nov. 15, 2024, in Arlington, Texas. (AP Photo/Julio Cortez)
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Jake Paul defeated Mike Tyson on points. Pic: AP

Boxing careers compared

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This was not Paul’s first professional fight. The American YouTube star made his debut in 2020, and his most high-profile clash was last year against Tyson Fury’s brother Tommy Fury, which he lost by a split decision.

The so-called “Problem Child” has since defeated former UFC contender Nate Diaz, professional boxer Andre August, former Gold Gloves champion Ryan Bourland and most recently MMA fighter Mike Perry.

In contrast, “Iron Mike” Tyson was ranked among the best heavyweight boxers of all time.

During his career, he knocked out 44 opponents – retiring from professional boxing in 2005 after defeat against Kevin McBride.

He returned to the ring in 2020 for a bout against fellow boxing icon Roy Jones, which ended in an unofficial draw.

Mike Tyson, left, fights Jake Paul during their heavyweight boxing match, Friday, Nov. 15, 2024, in Arlington, Texas. (AP Photo/Julio Cortez)
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Mike Tyson struggled at times against Jake Paul, 31 years his junior. Pic: AP

‘Someone’s getting put to sleep’

Earlier this week, Paul said he believed the bout would not go the distance. “No, someone’s getting put to sleep,” he said. “It’s going to be a war, and we’re both heavy hitters. It’s not going the full 16 minutes.”

Tyson said: “I’ve been through so many ups and downs since my last fight with Kevin McBride.

“I’ve been in rehab. I’ve been in prison, been locked up. Never in a million years did I believe I’d be doing this.”

Several states would not allow the bout to go ahead, and the Texas Athletic Commission only agreed to the fight if there were changes, due to Tyson’s age.

It limited the contest to eight rounds lasting a maximum of two minutes instead of three. Both boxers were also required to wear heavier gloves, designed to lessen the force of punches.

The fight was initially scheduled for 20 July, but was postponed when Tyson suffered an ulcer flareup.

Taylor defends title

Katie Taylor, center, celebrates after defeating Amanda Serrano during their undisputed super lightweight title bout, Friday, Nov. 15, 2024, in Arlington, Texas. (AP Photo/Julio Cortez)
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Katie Taylor celebrates after defeating Amanda Serrano in Texas. Pic: AP

Meanwhile, among the undercard fights, Irish boxer Katie Taylor successfully defended her super lightweight world title against Puerto Rico’s Amanda Serrano.

But it was tight. Taylor claimed the rematch 95-94 for all three judges in an epic battle.

The bout came two and a half years after the pair fought at Madison Square Garden, which Taylor won on a split decision.

Bout suffered from buffering

Earlier in the evening thousands of Netflix users in the US reported problems with the coverage, with some posting on social media about buffering.

At one point, more than 98,000 people had reported issues according to Downdetector, which tracks outages.

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Matt Gaetz: Speaker Mike Johnson will request report into Trump’s attorney general pick is kept secret

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Matt Gaetz: Speaker Mike Johnson will request report into Trump's attorney general pick is kept secret

US House Speaker Mike Johnson has said he will “strongly request” a report into allegations of sex trafficking against Matt Gaetz, who is the president-elect’s choice of attorney general, should not be released.

Mr Johnson said he was against publishing the House Ethics Committee report on Mr Gaetz, 42, who if approved by the Senate will become the nation’s top prosecutor once Donald Trump is sworn in as president on 20 January.

That’s despite Mr Gaetz having previously faced a nearly three-year Justice Department investigation into sex trafficking allegations involving a 17-year-old girl. He denies the allegations and has not faced criminal charges.

Mr Gaetz has also never worked as a prosecutor and has only worked in law for a few years at a local level.

He stepped down from Congress after Mr Trump announced him as his attorney general pick.

His resignation brought the investigation by the House Ethics Committee to an end – two days before it had been expected to release its report into the trafficking claims.

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Why is Matt Gaetz a controversial pick?

House Speaker Mr Johnson, a Louisiana Republican, said of the probe: “I’m going to strongly request that the Ethics Committee not issue the report, because that is not the way we do things in the House.”

Politicians of both parties on the Senate Judiciary Committee have said they want to see the report on Mr Gaetz, as part of a Senate confirmation process for cabinet nominees that would start next year with public hearings.

Democrats have described the MAGA loyalist as “a gonzo agent of chaos” and his appointment a “red alert moment for our democracy”, while some Republican senators have also raised doubts about his suitability for the role.

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Mr Johnson said he planned to urge House Ethics Committee chairman Michael Guest not to provide the report to the Senate Judiciary Committee.

“The rules of the House have always been that a former member is beyond the jurisdiction of the Ethics Committee,” said Mr Johnson, who returned on Friday morning from meeting Mr Trump at the president-elect’s Mar-a-Lago resort in Florida.

“I think it’s a terrible breach of protocol and tradition and the spirit of the rule,” he added. “I think that would be a terrible precedent to set.”

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Mr Johnson had said on Wednesday that as Speaker he could not be involved in deciding whether or not to release the report.

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Malcolm X family brings $100m lawsuit against FBI, CIA and NYPD over ‘conspiracy to assassinate’ civil rights leader

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Malcolm X family brings 0m lawsuit against FBI, CIA and NYPD over 'conspiracy to assassinate' civil rights leader

A $100m (£79m) lawsuit has been brought against the CIA, FBI and New York Police Department (NYPD) who are accused of being involved in the 1965 assassination of civil rights leader Malcolm X.

The case, which has been filed in a federal court in Manhattan, New York, alleges that the agencies were aware of the assassination, they were involved in the plot and failed to stop the killing.

The legal action has been brought by Malcolm X’s three daughters along with his estate.

The NYPD and CIA have not yet responded to the claims while the FBI said it was “standard practice” not to comment on litigation.

Nicholas Biase, a spokesperson for the US Department of Justice, which is also included in the lawsuit, declined to respond.

Attorney Ben Crump and legal team speak alongside daughter of the late killed civil rights leader Malcolm X, Ilyasah Shabazz, during a news conference to announce a lawsuit against government agencies and the New York City Police Department (NYPD) for the alleged assassination and concealment of evidence surrounding Malcolm X’s murder in New York City, U.S., November, 15, 2024. REUTERS/Shannon Stapleton
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Attorney Ben Crump with Malcolm X’s family on Friday. Pic: Reuters

Malcolm X was 39 when he was shot dead on 21 February 1965 on stage by three gunmen as he prepared to speak at the Audubon Ballroom in Manhattan.

At a news conference in New York on Friday, to announce the details of the lawsuit, attorney Benjamin Crump said: “The government fingerprints are all over the assassination of Malcolm X.

“We believe we have the evidence to prove it.”

For decades, questions have arisen over who was behind his murder.

Malcolm X rose to prominence as the national spokesman of the Nation of Islam, an African-American Muslim group which supported black separatism.

He broke away from the group in 1964 and moderated some of his earlier views on racial separation, which angered Nation of Islam members and resulted in death threats.

Three men were convicted of his murder but two of them were cleared in 2021 after investigators took a fresh look at the case. They concluded some evidence was shaky and authorities had held back some information.

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Malcolm X’s family speaking in February 2023 when the plans for the lawsuit were initially announced

In the lawsuit, which began its process in 2023, it is alleged the NYPD coordinated with federal law enforcement agencies to arrest the activist’s security guards days before the assassination.

It also claims police were intentionally removed from inside the ballroom where Malcolm X was killed and that federal agencies had personnel, including undercover agents, at the site but failed to protect him.

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The lawsuit goes on to allege a “corrupt, unlawful, and unconstitutional” relationship between law enforcement and “ruthless killers… which was actively concealed, condoned, protected, and facilitated by government agents”.

Referring to Malcolm X’s family, the lawsuit states: “They did not know who murdered Malcolm X, why he was murdered, the level of NYPD, FBI and CIA orchestration, the identity of the governmental agents who conspired to ensure his demise, or who fraudulently covered up their role.”

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