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Well, both Joe Biden and Donald Trump have clinched the nomination of their parties to run for re-election, which means historically this will be the longest general election in history between a pair of candidates too old for the job whom no one wants to see run again except those Republican voters who love Donald Trump and those Democrat voters who feel, well, at least Biden is not a goggle-eyed socialist lunatic like every other Democrat but only a senile semi-dead man being used like a ventriloquists dummy by a cabal of goggle-eyed socialist lunatics who hope they can destroy American freedom before anyone realizes theyre holding Biden upright by his shirtsleeves like in Weekend at Bernies although in this case Bernie is the goggle-eyed socialist holding Bernie up because Bernie is Joe and Joe is Bernie.

With a Biden-Trump rematch bearing down on us like a locomotive and America tied to the tracks screaming Help! Help! in a high-pitched voice in the hope some Canadian Mountie will rescue her, which seems unlikely since the Canadians are now a bunch of Left-wing fascists, corporate media outlets are assigning their best journalists to cover the all-important beat of what Trump will do in their hysterical womanish imaginations if hes re-elected.

For instance, CNNs Van Jones, reporting from his womanish imagination, said, If Trump is re-elected, Russian troops will march across western Europe in my womanish imagination until the whole world is as hysterical as I am. Trump will imprison his political opponents and destroy democracy which is why we have to put Trump in prison and let people vote by simply driving by the polling place and shouting Joe Bidens name out the window or what sounds to me like Joe Bidens name even if its Donald Trumps. This is Van Jones, reporting from my womanish imagination.

CNN Chief Executive Solitary McLonesome spoke about the new assignments in a speech to his childhood friend Pooky the Teddy Bear, saying, Listen, Pooky, we have got to go all out covering the Trump atrocities that will occur in our womanish imaginations or well be left behind in reality with a senile corruptocrat president ruining everything, and you know our audience doesnt want reality, Pooky-poo, because you are our audience. WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show

MSNBC has given Joe Scarborough the assignment of reporting on the imaginary bad things Trump will do if re-elected because of Scarboroughs long experience on the womanish imagination beat. NBC News President Idie OLog speaking to an inflatable life-sized El Chapo she keeps hidden in her bedroom closet said Viewers feel they can trust Joe Scarborough because they look into his eyes and see a cavernous darkness where his soul used to be, so they understand he will give them a full report on the terrible things Trump will do in his womanish imagination if re-elected, instead of the horrible truth about whats happening right now, which would just be disturbing, oh mi corazon.

As a model of expert coverage of the womanish imagination beat, journalists around the country are turning to the New York Times, a former newspaper, and their opinion page, known throughout the industry as Knucklehead Row. One shining example of the Timess Pulitzer Prize winning womanish imagination coverage came in a column by Charles Blows entitled, What Trump will do in My Womanish Imagination if he is Re-Elected. The column begins, When I consider the possibility that Trump will be re-elected, I peer into my womanish imagination and see a devastating vision of utter chaos created by journalists shrieking about whats happening in their womanish imaginations. The stories about Donald Trump rampaging through our hysterical daydreams will absolutely destroy our country by causing violent leftists to burn down cities while we pretend they arent because Trump is not doing the horrible things that we pretend he is.

At the Washington Post, leftist womanish imagination reporter Dana Milbank took a more humorous tack in a column and this is a real column called My Month of Living Republicanly. Milbank visited gun shows and Christian outlets where he found stickers and posters with outlandish assertions that distort the truth. Next week, Milbank will uncover outlandish leftist assertions that distort the truth by reading the Washington Post.

* * *

Andrew Klavan is the host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, The House of Love and Death, is now available. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan

This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of The Andrew Klavan Show.

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

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Business

English water firms get lowest environmental rating since records began

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English water firms get lowest environmental rating since records began

English water companies have collectively been given the lowest environmental rating by the Environment Agency (EA) since records began.

Companies were ranked on a scale of one to four stars. Out of a maximum score of 36 stars for all nine companies, the firms together scored 19, the lowest since the EA began monitoring.

The only utility to receive the highest four-star rank was Severn Trent, the agency said in its annual performance assessment.

The number of serious incidents, in which “significant” environmental harm was caused, increased by 60% last year compared to 2023.

Just three companies were responsible for the vast majority of incidents.

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Thames Water – the country’s biggest supplier – Southern Water and Yorkshire Water were responsible for 81% of all incidents.

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Only two firms out of nine – Northumbrian Water and Wessex Water – recorded no serious incidents.

More monitoring, inspections and data have meant that knowledge of pollution in English waterways is now greater than ever. In turn, the amount of reporting has been greater.

Other factors driving the figures are underinvestment and poor maintenance of infrastructure, as well as wet and stormy weather.

Firms have again been called on by the Environment Agency to “urgently” improve their performance. There had previously been a trend of improvement since records began in 2011, but the latest figures indicated a “dip”.

In addition to pollution incidents, companies were assessed on self-reporting and compliance with permits.

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Is Thames Water a step closer to nationalisation?

A separate report by water regulator Ofwat published on Thursday showed “mixed” performance with improvements in sewer flooding and pipe leakage, but only two companies reported a reduction in pollution incidents over five years.

Regulation of the sector has been criticised in a once-in-a-generation review of the water industry by career civil servant Sir Jon Cunliffe. In the wake of it, the government says Ofwat is to be retired.

Pressure has mounted on utilities across the UK as the public has sought action on poor water quality and rising bills.

Thames Water, in particular, is struggling under a £20bn debt pile with the government lining up insolvency practitioners.

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Autistic volunteer told he could no longer work for Waitrose hired by Asda

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Autistic volunteer told he could no longer work for Waitrose hired by Asda

An autistic man who was told he could no longer stack shelves at Waitrose when he asked to be paid has been offered a job by Asda.

Tom Boyd, 28, began volunteering unpaid at the branch of Waitrose in Cheadle Hulme, Greater Manchester, in 2021, supported by a care worker, to develop skills for the workplace on a further education course he was taking.

The work gave him a sense of “purpose and belonging”, his mother, Frances Boyd, told the BBC.

When she asked in July if he could be paid for a few hours every week, however, the supermarket’s head office told him he had to stop and could not return to the shop.

Ms Boyd said they felt “deeply let down” by the decision as he had taken great pride in his work, which included putting out stock and tidying the shelves.

“If I went in and saw him, he was smiling, and it gave him independence, a sense of purpose and belonging,” she said.

“He gave over 600 hours of his time purely because he wanted to belong, contribute, and make a difference…

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“He deserved better. He deserved kindness, respect and the chance for all his hard work to mean something.”

Mr Boyd has now been offered two paid five-hour shifts each week by Asda.

“It’s overwhelming and they are flexible to say if at any time he is struggling they are fine,” his mother said.

“How amazing that a company could do this.”

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Welcoming the news on X, Greater Manchester mayor Andy Burnham said he hoped it would lead to more employers accepting a neurodivergent code of best practice he has launched.

An Asda spokesperson said that when the store heard about Mr Boyd’s desire to find meaningful work they knew he would be a “fantastic fit” and were delighted to offer him a role.

“We know that finding meaningful work can be especially challenging for individuals with learning disabilities or difficulties,” they said.

“Asda has a Supported Internship Programme and partnership with DFN Project SEARCH, through which we have welcomed over 30 talented new colleagues into roles across our stores. We have seen the positive impact this has for the individuals who join and for our colleagues and customers too.”

A Waitrose spokesperson said they “care deeply” about helping people into the workplace who might not otherwise be given a chance and that the chain is currently investigating what happened to Mr Boyd.

“We’d like to welcome Tom back, in paid employment, and are seeking support from his family and the charity to do so. We hope to see him back with us very soon,” they added.

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Technology

Trump backs off sending National Guard to San Francisco after Huang, Benioff phone calls

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Trump backs off sending National Guard to San Francisco after Huang, Benioff phone calls

U.S. President Donald Trump gestures as he hosts a Rose Garden Club lunch at the White House in Washington, D.C., U.S., October 21, 2025.

Kevin Lamarque | Reuters

President Donald Trump said in a post on Thursday that the National Guard was preparing to “surge” San Francisco, but he was swayed by Nvidia CEO Jensen Huang, Salesforce Marc Benioff and others to hold off on the deployment.

Trump said in a post on Truth Social that he also spoke with Democratic Mayor Daniel Lurie, who “was making substantial progress” on crime.

“Great people like Jensen Huang, Marc Benioff, and others have called saying that the future of San Francisco is great,” Trump wrote.

The reversal marks a major political win for the city of San Francisco and Lurie, who is in his first term.

“The president told me clearly that he was calling off any plans for a federal deployment in San Francisco,” Lurie said in a statement. “Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem reaffirmed that direction in our conversation this morning.”

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Lurie, a moderate Democrat, has taken a different approach with Trump than other California officials, like Rep. Nancy Pelosi and Governor Gavin Newsom, who publicly fire back at the president’s administration. Instead, Lurie consistently does not evoke Trump by name publicly or privately.

In recent addresses on the potential for a deployment, Lurie has touted the city’s progress on business development and crime, often citing data that shows San Franciscans feel the city is on the right track.

“We have work to do, and we would welcome continued partnerships with the FBI, DEA, ATF, and U.S. Attorney to get drugs and drug dealers off our streets, but having the military and militarized immigration enforcement in our city will hinder our recovery,” Lurie said.

The potential Guard deployment became a larger flashpoint when Benioff told the New York Times that he’d support Trump’s call for federal troops to be sent to San Francisco.

His sentiments were publicly supported by Elon Musk and David Sacks, high-profile techies with close ties to the Trump administration.

On Friday, facing mounting criticism, Benioff backtracked.

“Having listened closely to my fellow San Franciscans and our local officials, and after the largest and safest Dreamforce in our history, I do not believe the National Guard is needed to address safety in San Francisco,” he posted on X.

A U.S. Customs and Border Patrol agent fires a non-lethal round at protesters as they clear a path for vehicles to enter Coast Guard Island on October 23, 2025 in Oakland, California. Federal agents have arrived in the San Francisco Bay Area for immigration operations.

Justin Sullivan | Getty Images News | Getty Images

The data show a changing tide in the city.

Crime rates are down 30% from 2024, homicide levels hit their lowest levels in 70 years and car break-ins haven’t been at current levels in 22 years.

Meanwhile, event bookings and tourism are on the rise, residential real estate is becoming more scarce and the office market is heating up.

Business momentum in the city is largely built on the AI boom, post-pandemic. New CBRE data show venture funding in 2025 is expected to surpass the record reached in 2021, thanks in large part to AI investments in San Francisco and Silicon Valley.

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