‘Don’t man up, talk it through’ – men urged to confront mental health problems
It’s a rare thing, a group of men in a room, talking about their mental health. They have all led difficult lives, and they don’t usually talk about it.
They throw a ball around the room to indicate whose turn it is to speak. “When a man talks about his emotions he is often told, ‘don’t be a girl… man up’,” offers one participant, Harry Lambert.
He has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and describes not airing problems as like “allowing a poison to build up inside”.
Harry Lambert has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder
This mentoring weekend, offered by the charity Oak London, is an opportunity for these men to release some of that poison.
Charities warn this time of year can be extra difficult for those struggling with their mental health.
Men are more likely to go missing, sleep rough, and become dependent on drugs and alcohol – all contributing to a higher suicide rate compared to women. It is the most common cause of death for men under 50.
In the room with sofas around the edge, the men – mostly in their 20s – have come from various unstable settings.
Some are referred from probation services, others have been homeless and responded to flyers put out in London hostels offering a retreat to Bristol and a weekend to “escape your everyday surroundings” and “develop your relationship with yourself and others”.
The first section of the session is about recognising the stereotypes of manhood. Participants offer up words for the whiteboard – including dominant, macho, stoic.
Physically, all of them size up more than most to these expectations, but as their tattooed hands write down shortcomings on pieces of paper, the insecurities come to light.
“You make people scared,” one writes.
‘A lot of people don’t show emotion’
This prompts a discussion about how they should respond when someone is visibly scared of them as they walk down the street.
“I feel like if I’ve scared you, I feel like the one thing I don’t want to then do, is approach you and say, like, ‘sorry’.”
The other men agree this wouldn’t work, but all recognise the sense of isolation their physical appearance can create. At the same time, they accept, they often want to look tough.
“A lot of people I know, they don’t show any sort of emotion,” says Shareef Venson, an ex-participant and now helper.
“But you can see that they’re struggling with certain issues. It’s just that they feel like they can’t physically show it.”
Several factors that affect men’s mental health
Benjamin Kuti, a soft-spoken young man, had a difficult childhood, often without his mother present. He has dyspraxia but says many factors can play on his mental health.
Benjamin Kuti says many factors can play on his mental health
“Being unemployed, for example, or even just being isolated. That can just impact your psychological state. It’s a very small, blurred line. I really struggle to create meaningful relationships with people where it’s like, this person actually sees me, or this person actually likes me – for me.”
Wealth, and failing to accumulate it, is another recurring theme.
The handwritten sticky notes are attached to bricks and Shareef stands in the middle while the men pile them into his arms saying the words on the paper: “You scare people”, “you failed in your job”, “you have a low self-esteem”. One of the last ones reads, “you should jump”.
Loaded up with all the notes a mentor asks Shareef: “How would it feel going for a job carrying all those bricks?”
“I wouldn’t apply for anything,” he says.
One of the exercises the men do to tackle their mental health struggles
And so, the lesson is to try to remove them, reject them, pass them back, put them on the floor, share them out, so you carry fewer.
Rare opportunity to talk about struggles
Mental health among men often goes undiagnosed. Only about half of those suffering from a mental health problem seek help. That means they often carry the burden alone.
Jos Lucas, founder of Oak London, says: “Because we’re outside of London, outside of distractions, outside of people having to look over their shoulder every minute… I think it naturally happens, in group discussions, that people do feel that they can trust each other, they can talk about things that they might not otherwise have the opportunity to talk about.”
Jos Lucas, founder of Oak London
Harry, who has self-harmed and struggled with depression and anxiety since the age of 13 says he didn’t get a diagnosis for his personality disorder until he was 19.
He describes his symptoms as “heightened anxiety, heightened depression, major mood swings, manic episodes and extremely depressive episodes, along with things like suicidal thoughts and tendency to things like addiction”.
He is still on the waiting list for therapy. The conversations he has had with other men at the Oak London project have been some of the most open and honest he’s ever had.
‘I can talk openly without being judged’
He said: “A lot of times you talk to your friends and especially with men, you talk to them and say, how are you doing People say ‘Yeah, I’m good,’ and they won’t be good because they think you either don’t care or they think you don’t hear it, or they’re worried that you’re going to judge them.”
“Whereas here in Oak London, this is the only place I’ve ever been to where I felt I can go and I can talk openly without being judged, while trying to help other people and help myself.
“It’s okay to be vulnerable. And I think that’s the message that urgently needs to be out there, because there’s so much stigma around how a man needs to be dominant, masculine and stoic, but if you’re an emotional man, a sensitive man, embrace that, that’s okay. And if you feel like you want to talk, talk to someone.”
Back in London, life’s troubles await these young men but addressing them by saying them out loud, and hearing of them in others, may just help.
A care worker who reported the alleged abuse of an elderly care home resident, which triggered a criminal investigation, is facing destitution and potential removal from Britain after speaking up.
“Meera”, whose name we have changed to protect her identity, said she witnessed an elderly male resident being punched several times in the back by a carer at the home where she worked.
Sky News is unable to name the care home for legal reasons because of the ongoing police investigation.
“I was [a] whistleblower there,” said Meera, who came to the UK from India last year to work at the home.
“Instead of addressing things, they fired me… I told them everything and they made me feel like I am criminal. I am not criminal, I am saving lives,” she added.
‘Meera’ spoke up about abuse she said she witnessed in the care home where she worked
Like thousands of foreign care workers, Meera’s employer sponsored her visa. Unless she can find another sponsor, she now faces the prospect of removal from the country.
“I am in trouble right now and no one is trying to help me,” she said.
Meera said she reported the alleged abuse to her bosses, but was called to a meeting with a manager and told to “change your statement, otherwise we will dismiss you”.
She refused. The following month, she was sacked.
The care home claimed she failed to perform to the required standard in the job.
She went to the police to report the alleged abuse and since then, a number of people from the care home have been arrested. They remain under investigation.
‘Migrants recruited because many are too afraid to speak out’
The home has capacity for over 60 residents. It is unclear if the care home residents or their relatives know about the police investigation or claim of physical abuse.
Since the arrests, the regulator, the Care Quality Commission (CQC), carried out an investigation at the home triggered by the concerns – but the home retained its ‘good’ rating.
Meera has had no reassurance from the authorities that she will be allowed to remain in Britain.
In order to stay, she’ll need to find another care home to sponsor her which she believes will be impossible without references from her previous employer.
She warned families: “I just want to know people in care homes like these… your person, your father, your parents, is not safe.”
She claimed some care homes have preferred to recruit migrants because many are too afraid to speak out.
“You hire local staff, they know the legal rights,” she said. “They can complain, they can work anywhere… they can raise [their] voice,” she said.
Sky’s Becky Johnson spoke to ‘Meera’
Sky News has reported widespread exploitation of care visas and migrant care workers.
Read more:
More than 100 migrants face being in UK illegally
Immigration crackdown will fuel ‘exodus’ of nurses
New English language and UK citizenship requirements for migrants
Currently migrants make up around a third of the adult social care workforce, with the majority here on visas that are sponsored by their employers.
As part of measures announced in April in the government’s immigration white paper, the care visa route will be closed, meaning care homes will no longer be able to recruit abroad.
‘Whole system is based on power imbalance’
But the chief executive of the Work Rights Centre, a charity that helps migrants with employment issues, is warning that little will change for the tens of thousands of foreign care workers already here.
“The whole system is based on power imbalance and the government announcement doesn’t change that,” Dr Dora-Olivia Vicol told Sky News.
She linked the conditions for workers to poor care for residents.
Work Rights Centre CEO Dr Dora-Olivia Vicol
“I think the power that employers have over migrant workers’ visas really makes a terrible contribution to the quality of care,” she said.
Imran agrees. He came to the UK from Bangladesh, sponsored by a care company unrelated to the one Meera worked for. He says he frequently had to work 14-hour shifts with no break because there weren’t enough staff. He too believes vulnerable people are being put at risk by the working conditions of their carers.
Migrant workers ‘threatened’ over visas
“For four clients, there is [a] minimum requirement for two or three staff. I was doing [it] alone,” he said, in broken English.
“When I try to speak, they just directly threaten me about my visa,” he said.
“I knew two or three of my colleagues, they are facing the same issue like me. But they’re still afraid to speak up because of the visa.”
A government spokesperson called what happened to Imran and Meera “shocking”.
“No one should go to work in fear of their employer, and all employees have a right to speak up if they witness poor practice and care.”
James Bullion, from the CQC, told Sky News it acts on intelligence passed to it to ensure people stay safe in care settings.
Additional research by Leah Adin
Donald Trump may be denied the honour of addressing parliament on his state visit to the UK later this year, with no formal request yet submitted for him to be given that privilege.
It comes after President Macron’s successful state visit this week, in which he was invited to speak in front of both Houses of Parliament.
Sky News has been told the Speaker of the House of Commons, Sir Lindsay Hoyle, hasn’t so far received a request to invite the US president to speak in parliament when he is expected to visit in September.
It was confirmed to MPs who have raised concerns about the US president being allowed to address both houses.
Kate Osborne, Labour MP for Jarrow and Gateshead East, wrote to the speaker in April asking him to stop Mr Trump from addressing parliament, and tabled an early-day motion outlining her concerns.
“I was happy to see Macron here but feel very differently about Trump,” she said.
“Trump has made some very uncomfortable and worrying comments around the UK government, democracy, the Middle East, particularly around equalities and, of course, Ukraine.
“So, I think there are many reasons why, when we’re looking at a state visit, we should be looking at why they’re being afforded that privilege. Because, of course, it is a privilege for somebody to come and address both of the houses.”
But the timing of the visit may mean that any diplomatic sensitivities, or perceptions of a snub, could be avoided.
France’s President Emmanuel Macron addressed parliament during his state visit this month
Lord Ricketts, a former UK ambassador to France, pointed out that parliament isn’t sitting for much of September, and that could help resolve the issue.
In 2017, he wrote a public letter questioning the decision to give Donald Trump his first state visit, saying it put Queen Elizabeth II in a “very difficult position”.
Parliament rises from 16 September until 13 October due to party conferences.
The dates for the state visit haven’t yet been confirmed by Buckingham Palace or the government.
However, they have not denied that it will take place in September, after Mr Trump appeared to confirm they were planning to hold the state visit that month. The palace confirmed this week that the formal planning for his arrival had begun.
With the King likely to still be in Scotland in early September for events such as the Braemar Gathering, and the anniversary of his accession and the death of Queen Elizabeth on the 8th September, it may be expected that the visit would take place sometime from mid to the end of September, also taking into consideration the dates of the Labour Party conference starting on the 28th September and possibly the Lib Dem’s conference from the 20th-23rd.
Mr Trump has said he believes the trip to the UK will take place in September. Pic: Reuters
When asked about parliamentary recess potentially solving the issue, Ms Osborne said: “It may be a way of dealing with it in a very diplomatic way… I don’t know how much control we have over Trump’s diary.
“But if we can manoeuvre it in a way that means that the House isn’t sitting, then that seems like a good solution, maybe not perfect, because I’d actually like him to know that he’s not welcome.”
A message from the speaker’s office, seen by Sky News, says: “Formal addresses to both Houses of Parliament are not automatically included in the itinerary of such a state visit.
“Whether a foreign head of state addresses parliament, during a state visit or otherwise, is part of the planning decisions.”
Mr Trump made his first state visit to the UK in June 2019 during his first presidency. File pic: Reuters
It’s understood that if the government agrees to a joint address to parliament, the Lord Chamberlain’s office writes to the two speakers, on behalf of the King, to ask them to host this.
It will be Mr Trump’s second state visit.
During his first, in 2019, he didn’t address parliament, despite the fact that his predecessor, Barack Obama, was asked to do so.
It was unclear if this was due to the fact John Bercow, the speaker at the time, made it clear he wasn’t welcome to do so.
However, it didn’t appear to dampen Mr Trump’s excitement about his time with the Royal Family.
Read more from Sky News:
Two women killed as BMW crashes into care home
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Speaking earlier this year, he described his state visit as “a fest” adding “it’s an honour… I’m a friend of Charles, I have great respect for King Charles and the family, William; we have really just a great respect for the family. And I think they’re setting a date for September.”
It is expected that, like Mr Macron, the pageantry for his trip this time will revolve around Windsor, with refurbishment taking place at Buckingham Palace.
Liverpool have retired the number 20 shirt in honour of Diogo Jota – the first time it has made such a gesture.
The club said it was a “unique tribute to a uniquely wonderful person” and the decision was made in consultation with his wife and family.
The number 20 will be retired at all levels, including the men’s and women’s first teams and academy squads.
A statement said: “It was the number he wore with pride and distinction, leading us to countless victories in the process – and Diogo Jota will forever be Liverpool Football Club’s number 20.”
The club called it a “recognition of not only the immeasurable contribution our lad from Portugal made to the Reds’ on-pitch successes over the last five years, but also the profound personal impact he had on his teammates, colleagues and supporters and the everlasting connections he built with them”.
Jota’s wife joined Liverpool players to view tributes at Anfield on Friday. Pic: Liverpool FC
Pic: Liverpool FC
Newly-married Jota died alongside his brother when his Lamborghini crashed in northern Spain on 3 July.
Police said this week that all the evidence so far suggests Jota was the one driving the vehicle.
Liverpool teammates joined members of Jota’s family, including his wife Rute, at a huge memorial site outside Anfield on Friday.
Read more from Sky News:
Mystery in space is most likely ‘oldest comet ever seen’
Trump may be denied privilege of addressing parliament
A fan looks at messages on a memorial wall near Anfield. Pic: Reuters
Virgil van Dijk and Andy Robertson were among players at the funeral. Pic: Reuters
The star’s funeral took place last weekend, with Liverpool colleagues and members of the Portuguese national team in attendance.
Reds captain Virgil van Dijk carried a shirt bearing the number 20 made from flowers.
Liverpool players returned to the club’s training ground for the start of pre-season on Tuesday.
Their first game since Jota’s death will be on Sunday when they play a friendly away against Preston North End.
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