Now that I put it all together, oh oh Give me the chance to make you see Have you used up all the love in your heart? Nothing left for me? Ain’t there nothing left for me?
Baby come back, Any kind of fool could see I was wrong and I just can’t live without you
— “Baby Come Back,” Player
Here at Bottom 10 Headquarters, located down the hallway from the medical facility where scientists are studying Pat McAfee’s blood because they believe it might contain enough electricity to power entire cities, we are basking in the warm glow of a different kind of positive energy. The kind of warmth and super-inflated ego that can come only with recognition on TV.
For years we have wondered aloud, tongue-in-cheek, what it would be like if the folks at College GameDay ever allowed themselves to join forces with us here at Bottom 10 GameDuh. No one ever understood us because deep down we all knew it would never happen. Also, have you ever tried talking with your tongue jammed into your cheek?
Then came last Saturday at the home of the Artists Formerly Known as the Nayhawks.
It was so good to see our people hadn’t forgotten us, even if they were trying to say goodbye. But that afternoon, as Kansas fell short in the closing seconds against TCU and the Rock Chalk fans finally emerged from their surrender cobras, there we were again, standing behind the end zone with a Willem Dafoe GIF look in our eyes and a cackle set to that “N-nuh n-nuh n-nunh-nuh” song when the Wicked Witch rides the bike in “The Wizard of Oz.” Because you can never forget your first true love. Especially when that first true love keeps following you to class and sliding into your DMs. And yeah, Kansas, that’s us, just in time for Halloween.
With apologies to Gayle Sayers, my old college girlfriend and Steve Harvey, here are the post-Week 6 Bottom 10 rankings.
1. Colora-duh (0-5)
The good news? The Buffs didn’t lose this week. The bad news? It’s because they didn’t play. The worse news? When the team got together for breakfast during its off weekend, the Buffs ran out of butter and jelly, which meant they still failed to cover the spread.
2. Huh-Why?-Yuh (1-5)
Speaking of covering spreads, Hawai’i went to San Diego State as a 24-point underdog but lost by only two. Now the Rainbow Warriors embark on a schedule that might very well be the road to a Bottom 10 title, if by “road” you mean a waterslide where the water has been replaced with WD-40. That thrill ride begins with a trip two weeks from now to second-ranked-turned-Waiting-Lister Colora-duh State, and then two weeks after that with an ocean hop over to …
3. Fres-No State (1-5)
Speaking of two-week increments, just two weeks ago the Bullfrogs weren’t even in these rankings. Now they have spent the past two weeks in the top half of them. That’s what happens when you lose to UCan’t after kicking off as a 23-point favorite, then lose to Boise State when it’s 20-20 in the third quarter and you proceed to surrender 20 unanswered points. Plus, there was a very natural segue to go from Hawai’i to Fresno and I am way too lazy to CTL+C them anywhere else in the standings.
4. UMess (1-5)
The Minutemen lost to Liberty. Speaking of CTL+C, copy that sentence into an email and send it your least favorite history teacher just to watch their head explode.
5. BOO!-mer Sooner (3-3)
Now for sale on the State Fair of Texas midway: deep-fried Schooners.
6. Akronmonious (1-5)
Over the past two weekends, the once-packed MAC faction of one-win teams has been cut in half, from six to three. That roster is guaranteed to be shortened by at least one again this week when the Zips host Not Eastern Or Western But Central Michigan in the Pillow Fight of the Week Episode VI: The MACtion Menace. If the Zips lose this one, then all of this feels like one big countdown to the final weekend of the season, when Akron hosts the other current one-win MAC team, Northern Ill-ugh-noise.
7. Boiling Green (2-4)
But … wait … if there are two other one-win MAC teams not in these rankings, then how can we justify having a two-win MAC team ranked above/below them? Two words: Extra. Effort.
You might assume the Mildcats would have a fighting chance this weekend against Iowa, a team that never scores actual touchdowns, but keep in mind Northwestern just lost 42-7 to Wisconsin, a team that doesn’t have an actual head coach.
9. Charlotte 1-and-5ers
Speaking of head coaches, a heads-up to Charlotte administrators. If someone starts knocking on your office door, saying, “Candygram,” it’s probably Matt Rhule from down the street.
10. Whew Mexico State (1-5)
The Other Aggies host the Only Lobos in the 112th edition of the game known as the Battle of I-25, named for the highway that connects Las Cruces to Albuquerque. When this game was first played in 1894, it was called the Battle of Oh Damn Our QB Just Got Bit By A Rattlesnake On The Trail.
Waiting list: Colora-duh State, Michigan State Sparse-uns, CMU Chippendales, Northern Ill-ugh-noise, US(not C)F, Strandford, FI(notA)U, Temple of Doom, Livin’ on Tulsa Time, the Mets.
The Hockey Hall of Fame is going to swing open its doors to some impressive former NHL stars in the next few years. Legends such as Zdeno Chara, Joe Thornton, Duncan Keith and Patrice Bergeron. Eventually Jaromir Jagr will be inducted. Probably in his 80s, when he’s done playing.
The Hall can welcome up to four men’s players in every annual class. Given how many current NHL players have a legitimate case for immortality, the selection committee will not suffer for a lack of choices.
Here is a tiered ranking of active NHL players based on their current Hall of Fame cases. We’ve picked the brain of Hockey Hall of Fame expert Paul Pidutti of Adjusted Hockey to help figure out the locks, the maybes, “the Hall of Very Good” and which young stars are on the path to greatness.
Let’s begin with the two players who have defined this century of hockey, and another player whose legend has grown to the point where he’s a sure-thing Hall of Famer.
“Honestly, when we lose, I don’t even get in the shower until early this morning. I’ll just be mad. I just brush my teeth. It’s like, I don’t deserve soap.” — Syracuse head coach Fran Brown
Here at Bottom 10 Headquarters, located behind the “sorry, not sorry” bouquet of water hemlocks sent to the Big 12 officiating office from Utah athletic director Mark Harlan, we know all too well the sting of losing football games. We see it every week in every game we watch.
Yeah, yeah, we know what you’re thinking. “Come on, dummy, someone loses every game that anyone watches.” That’s true. At least now it is. We are also old enough to remember when games ended in ties. That was way worse.
But here in the Bottom 10 Cinematic Universe, losses are worse because that’s all you experience. You’d think we’d get used to it, numb from the pain like when you keep accidentally biting that same spot on your tongue to the point that it just becomes sensory free. But instead, it’s like Bruce Banner explained about being the Hulk: “You see, I don’t get a suit of armor. I’m exposed. Like a nerve. It’s a nightmare.”
However, as we learned in “Age of Ultron,” even after one of his worst losses, Bruce Banner does take a shower. So, Coach Brown, take it from us, in a world where every team has a helluva lot more losses than Syracuse … dude, wash up. Seriously. We can smell you from here. And we’re in Kent, Ohio.
With apologies to Mr. Clean, former Miami (Ohio) quarterback Mike Bath, former Southern Illinois running back Wash Henry and Steve Harvey, here are the post-Week 11 Bottom 10 rankings.
The Golden(plated) Flashes are still America’s last winless FBS team, losing their 18th straight game when they were edged by Ohio 41-0. Now they travel to My Hammy of Ohio, where they are given a 2.8% chance to win by the ESPN Analytics Ouija board, er, I mean Matchup Predictor. But honestly, that game will only be the appetizer ahead of the, yes, Week 13 main course that is the Wagon Wheel showdown with Akronmonious. And by appetizer we mean way-past-the-expiration-date freezer-burned mini-pizza bagels.
The New Owls not only used their talons to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory at UTEP, losing in double overtime, they earned Bottom 10 Bonus Points for firing their head coach — and during their first year as an FBS team, no less. Though the AD issued a statement that Brian Bohannon had “stepped down,” Bohannon himself responded on social media: “Contrary to what’s been reported, I want to be clear that I did not step down.” But there is no confusion as to whether the Owls have stepped up or down in these rankings, where every move up is also a move down.
Brett Favre Funding U. lost to We Are Marshall 37-3, meaning all eight of their defeats this season have been by double digits. In related news, I also received double digit political texts on Election Day — and one of those was from Favre. No, for real. I wonder, did he cover the data charges himself or did he steal change from the donation jar at his grocery store checkout?
Sometimes in this life we are asked to do things that go against the fiber of our being. Like taking your daughter to the concert of an artist you’ve never heard of. Or me having to use Earth’s most annoying instrument, the leaf blower. This weekend this team of Minutemen will be asked to try to defeat Liberty.
5. The Sunshine State
The Coveted Fifth Spot has never been more crowded. The FBS, FCS and NFL teams of Florida posted a 1-11 record over the weekend, salvaged only by the Miami Dolphins’ win over the Los Angeles Rams on “Monday Night Football.” UC(not S)F, US(not C)F, FA(not I)U, Stetson, Florida A&M and Bethune-Cookman all lost, led in misery by the Wildcats’ five-overtime loss to Southern. The Flori-duh Gate Doors celebrated the announced retaining of coach Billy Napier by losing to Texas in a squeaker 49-17. And My Hammy of Florida finally spotted an opponent a lead too large for a Cam Ward comeback and took its first loss of the season, falling to unranked Georgia Tech. If only someone else in the state could relate to that …
The Semi-No’s are continuing to work around the Coveted Fifth Spot by earning their Bottom 10 keep the old-fashioned way, not only losing to semi/sorta/kinda ACC member Notre Dame by a scant 52-3, but also earning a pile of their own Bottom 10 Bonus Points not by firing head coach Mike Norvell, but because Norvell fired both his offensive and defensive coordinators and a wide receivers coach. In related news, over the weekend a friend of mine steered his bass boat into a giant pile of sharp rocks and reacted by throwing his shirt and hat overboard.
It was three weekends ago that the Buttermakers lost to then-second-ranked Oregon 35-0. On Saturday, they lost to then-second-ranked Ohio State 45-0. Now they play sixth-ranked Penn State, and in two weeks end their season playing currently eighth-ranked Indiana. We have to assume that a team of professors from Purdue’s legendary mechanical engineering department is studying this experience as a way to assess the stress put on a school bus that is attempting to drive over a lava field covered in landmines.
The Minors have a weekend off to continue their post-Kennesaw victory party. And what’s the best way to snap yourself out of a two-week hangover? Hair of the dog? A cold bucket of water over the head? How about the hair of a coontick hound and a bucket of water from the river during a Week 13 trip to Neyland Stadium to play Tennessee?
Whatever is left of UTEP after Knoxville will then play whatever is left of the Other Aggies after their Week 12 trip to face the OG Aggies of Texas A&M. If there’s any justice in this world, then the loser and/or winner of that Aggie Bowl would go on to play …
The Other Other Aggies lost to the one-loss team the nation forgot about, Warshington State. But if you consider the week before that, we find a Bottom 10 conundrum. Utah State beat WhyOMGing? but the week before that lost to Whew Mexico by five points. Meanwhile, Wyoming, who lost to Utah State two weeks ago, spent last weekend beating New Mexico by five points. Perhaps we will be given some clarity when Wyoming ends the year at Washington State. Or perhaps we will have already given up. As so many here in the Bottom 10 seem to do.
Waiting list: Miss Sus Hippie State, Georgia State Not Southern, FA(not I)U, Akronmonious, Meh-dle Tennessee, WhyOMGing?, Temple of Doom, Living on Tulsa Time, You A Bee?, Standfird, people who put all those election signs up but now won’t take them down.
NEW YORK — An arbitrator upheld five-year suspensions of the chief executives of Bad Bunny’s sports representation firm for making improper inducements to players and cut the ban of the company’s only certified baseball agent to three years.
Ruth M. Moscovitch issued the ruling Oct. 30 in a case involving Noah Assad, Jonathan Miranda and William Arroyo of Rimas Sports. The ruling become public Tuesday when the Major League Baseball Players Association filed a petition to confirm the 80-page decision in New York Supreme Court in Manhattan.
The union issued a notice of discipline on April 10 revoking Arroyo’s agent certification and denying certification to Assad and Miranda, citing a $200,000 interest-free loan and a $19,500 gift. It barred them from reapplying for five years and prohibited certified agents from associating with any of the three of their affiliated companies. Assad, Miranda and Arroyo then appealed the decision, and Moscovitch was jointly appointed as the arbitrator on June 17.
Moscovitch said the union presented unchallenged evidence of “use of non-certified personnel to talk with and recruit players; use of uncertified staff to negotiate terms of players’ employment; giving things of value – concert tickets, gifts, money – to non-client players; providing loans, money, or other things of value to non-clients as inducements; providing or facilitating loans without seeking prior approval or reporting the loans.”
“I find MLBPA has met its burden to prove the alleged violations of regulations with substantial evidence on the record as a whole,” she wrote. “There can be no doubt that these are serious violations, both in the number of violations and the range of misconduct. As MLBPA executive director Anthony Clark testified, he has never seen so many violations of so many different regulations over a significant period of time.”
María de Lourdes Martínez, a spokeswoman for Rimas Sports, said she was checking to see whether the company had any comment on the decision. Arroyo did not immediately respond to a text message seeking comment.
Moscovitch held four in-person hearings from Sept. 30 to Oct. 7 and three on video from Oct. 10-16.
“While these kinds of gifts are standard in the entertainment business, under the MLBPA regulations, agents and agencies simply are not permitted to give them to non-clients,” she said.
“While it is true, as MLBPA alleges, that Mr. Arroyo violated the rules by not supervising uncertified personnel as they recruited players, he was put in that position by his employers,” Moscovitch wrote. “The regulations hold him vicariously liable for the actions of uncertified personnel at the agency. The reality is that he was put in an impossible position: the regulations impose on him supervisory authority over all of the uncertified operatives at Rimas, but in reality, he was their underling, with no authority over anyone.”