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The following is the opening satirical monologue from The Andrew Klavan Show.

The Washington Post, where Democracy dies in darkness after they drive an ice pick into the back of its neck and toss it into the darkness and leave it there to die, has issued a devastating new poll showing President Bidens approval ratings have fallen to a level that would truly upset him if he were still capable of understanding what a poll is and what numbers are.

The poll shows Bidens approval ratings are now at a mere 36 percent. Whats more, twelve percent of those who approve of Biden are low information voters like journalists and college professors, while 8 percent of them are homeless people who receive their opinions from the demon Azuzu speaking through the fillings in their teeth. Five percent of the Biden supporters were just pranking the pollsters by pretending they knew who Joe Biden is, and the remaining four percent were former Whitney Houston backup singers who now hang out all day on Main and Third in Cincinnati chanting somebody, somebody, somebody who loves me, over and over again, hoping a passerby will put money in their hat so they can afford to get back to New Jersey and vote for Joe Biden.

Seventy-two percent of the people polled thought Biden was too old to be president. Twenty-three percent said no, he was just lying face down in his own drool to get his opponents to underestimate him. And five percent believed the president had passed away last Thursday which made him the politician least likely to ruin the country.

Sixty-three percent of those polled said they would prefer to vote for Donald Trump over Biden. Seventeen percent said they preferred Trump to Biden because Trump could almost speak in complete sentences. Twenty-two percent said Trump was better than Biden because Trump was a reckless bloviating boor who would drive the United States government into a ditch where it would be reduced to flaming rubble, so that was a plus. And sixteen percent said they would vote for Trump because he had assaulted that woman in Bergdorf Goodman after she had written for Saturday Night Live so that left only 247 unfunny writers left unpunished.

Twenty-nine percent of those polled who wanted neither Biden nor Trump said they would vote for Nikki Haley because at least she didnt believe in anything. Fourteen percent said they would vote for RFK Junior because that dude was crazy and if you dropped acid and then played his speeches backwards they would predict who was going to win the next season of Bachelorette. And eleven percent said they would vote for Vivek Ramaswamy because his name was funny and made him sound like a snake charmer and that would be really cool especially if he used a live cobra and then explained how he would reform the Fed while the cobra just wavered in front of him pretending to listen and then suddenly bit him on the face which would be hilarious especially if you were still stoned from listening to RFK.

In other poll results, 92 percent said the country was headed in the wrong direction unless you enjoyed watching that video where the race car careens into the wall and then bursts into flames, in which case the country was right on course. Breaking that result into various groups, fourteen percent of black people said they thought the country was headed in the right direction, but they couldnt be sure because they were pinned down in a crossfire behind a 1978 Dodge Dart. Eighty-two percent of Hispanics said the country was headed in the right direction compared to the country they had just come from. And 52 percent of white people said they were heading in the right direction, namely the direction of Switzerland.

Twenty-seven percent of those polled said the worst problem the country faced was runaway inflation because it meant they couldnt buy as many lottery tickets with their food stamps which gave them a lower chance of winning a loaf of bread. Eighteen percent said the worst problem facing the country was that Don Lemon had been fired and now there was no one left to scream at but their children. And three percent said the worstproblem facing the country was that when their phone rang they thought it was their ex saying she wanted to have breakup sex again but instead it turned out to be some jerkwad asking stupid questions about Joe Biden.

In terms of methodology, the Washington Post said pollsters had developed a system of weighted averages to establish the proper number of Democrats, Republicans and Independents, and then told their boss they had called those people when really they were just making stuff up because they worked for the Washington Post.

Andrew Klavanis the host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire.A popular political satirist and Hollywood screenwriter, Klavan is also an award-winning novelist.His newest novel isA Strange Habit of Mind, book two in the Cameron Winter Mystery series.

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

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Entertainment

Singer Marianne Faithfull dies at the age of 78

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Singer Marianne Faithfull dies at the age of 78

Singer and actress Marianne Faithfull has died at the age of 78.

A spokesperson for her music promotion company Republic Media said: “It is with deep sadness that we announce the death of the singer, songwriter and actress Marianne Faithfull.

“Marianne passed away peacefully in London today, in the company of her loving family.

“She will be dearly missed.”

Marianne Faithfull in 1995. Pic: Reuters
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Faithfull in 1995. Pic: Reuters

Faithfull was best known for her 1964 hit As Tears Go By, written by Sir Mick Jagger, with whom she had a well-publicised relationship, and fellow Rolling Stones star Keith Richards.

She also starred in films including The Girl On A Motorcycle and 2007’s Irina Palm, for which she was nominated for a European Film Award for Best Actress.

In recent years, she provided voice work for the 2021 remake of Dune and 2023’s Wild Summon.

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The Girl On A Motorcycle - 1968
Marianne Faithfull

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Film Stills, Personality, Entertainment

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Faithfull in The Girl On A Motorcycle. Pic: Mid-Atlantic/Ares/Claridge/Kobal/Shutterstock

She and Sir Mick began seeing each other in 1966 and became one of the most glamorous couples of Swinging London.

He paid tribute to his “wonderful friend and beautiful singer and a great actress”, and said he was “so saddened” by her death, as “she was so much part of my life for so long”.

Next to a picture of the pair arm in arm on Instagram, Sir Mick said Faithfull “will always be remembered”.

His Stones bandmates Ronnie Wood and Keith Richards also paid tribute, with Richards posting on Instagram that he was “so sad and will miss her.”

His post was accompanied by a picture of the pair enjoying a drink together.

Wood wrote on Jagger’s post: “Farewell dear Marianne.”

Born in 1946, Faithfull started her singing career in 1964 after being discovered by the Stones’ manager Andrew Loog Oldham.

Her self-titled debut album was released a year later, with As Tears Go By reaching number nine on the UK singles chart.

She went on to have a string of successful singles, including Come And Stay With Me, This Little Bird, and Summer Nights, and famously dated Sir Mick from 1966 to 1970.

Faithfull was prolific throughout the 60s, releasing six albums – some only in the UK and some for the US – as well as contributing backing vocals to the Beatles’ Yellow Submarine and inspiring the Stones’ Sympathy For The Devil.

That decade also saw her star in films like 1967’s I’ll Never Forget What’s’isname – where she was one of the first people to say f*** in a mainstream studio film – 1968’s The Girl On A Motorcycle, and Tony Richardson’s 1969 adaptation of Hamlet.

Her affair with Sir Mick was notorious, with the couple being arrested in 1968 for possession of cannabis.

She was also infamously found by police wearing only a bear skin rug when they arrived for a drugs raid at Richards’ home in 1967.

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MICK JAGGER AND MARIANNE FAITHFULL BOARD A TRAIN AT EUSTON FOR BANGOR. THEY WILL MEET UP WITH THE BEATLES AND THE MAHARISHI MAHESH YOGI - 26.AUG 1967

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Faithfull and Mick Jagger dated from 1966 to 1970. Pic: Shutterstock

After breaking up with the Stones frontman, Faithfull spent two years homeless in Soho while suffering from anorexia and heroin addiction, before she started living in a squat.

She wrote in her 1994 autobiography: “For me, being a junkie was an admirable life. It was total anonymity, something I hadn’t known since I was 17.

“As a street addict in London, I finally found it. I had no telephone, no address.”

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In 1979, following success in Ireland with the country-themed Dreamin’ My Dreams, Faithfull released the Grammy-nominated Broken English – widely considered her best album.

She later achieved critical acclaim as a jazz and blues singer with 1987’s Strange Weather and went to rehab that same decade.

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Jean-Christophe Bott/EPA/Shutterstock

Switzerland Music - Jul 2009
British Singer and Actress Marianne Faithfull Performs on the Miles Davis Hall Stage at the 43rd Montreux Jazz Festival in Montreux Switzerland Late 13 July 2009 the Festival Runs Until 18 July Switzerland Schweiz Suisse Montreux

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Faithfull performing in Montreux, Switzerland, in 2009. Pic: Jean-Christophe Bott/EPA/Shutterstock

Faithfull released a total of 21 solo albums throughout her career. Her most recent was the spoken word album She Walks In Beauty from 2021, which saw her work with frequent Nick Cave collaborator Warren Ellis.

She made a full recovery from breast cancer in 2006.

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World

Trump links drive for air traffic controllers with ‘intellectual disabilities’ to Washington plane crash

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Trump links drive for air traffic controllers with 'intellectual disabilities' to Washington plane crash

Donald Trump has linked a diversity drive at the Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) under previous governments to a deadly plane crash in Washington DC.

Sixty-seven people were killed when an American Airlines jet and a military helicopter collided mid-air on Wednesday night.

Speaking at the White House, the new US president suggested the diversity efforts had made air travel less safe.

He said: “We do not know what led to this crash, but we have some very strong opinions and ideas.”

Emergency personnel at the site of the crash. Pic: Reuters
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Emergency personnel at the site of the crash. Pic: Reuters

Read the latest on the crash in Washington

Later Sky’s US partner NBC news said staffing at Reagan Washington National Airport, where air traffic controllers were guiding the flights, was “not normal”, according to an initial FAA report.

The tower normally has a controller who focuses specifically on helicopter traffic.

More on Washington Crash

But at the time of Wednesday night’s crash, a source said, one controller at DCA was overseeing both plane and helicopter activity.

FAA guidelines do allow for this position to be combined.

At his briefing Mr Trump blamed his predecessor, former president Joe Biden, for lowering standards for air traffic controllers.

“We have to have our smartest people,” he said. “They have to be naturally talented geniuses.”

He added: “The FAA is actively recruiting workers who suffer severe intellectual disabilities, psychiatric problems, and other mental and physical conditions under a diversity and inclusion hiring initiative spelled out on the agency’s website.”

Mr Trump criticised Mr Biden and another Democrat former president Barack Obama for putting “policy over safety” when it came to US aviation.

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CCTV captures moment of mid-air collision

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Audio captured moments after the crash

“I changed the Obama standards from very mediocre at best to extraordinary,” Mr Trump said.

He said that after being sworn in last week, he signed an executive order which “restored the highest standards of air traffic controllers”.

Read more:
Washington DC plane crash: What we know so far
Air traffic control heard diverting planes moments after collision

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‘We look at the human, the machine, the environment’

Mr Trump also said: “When I left office and Biden took over he changed them [standards for those who work in aviation system] back to lower than ever before, I put safety first, Obama, Biden and the Democrats put policy first, they put politics at a level that nobody’s ever seen because this was the lowest level.”

At a later briefing he was asked if gender or race played a role. He answered: “It may have, I don’t know. Incompetence may have played a role.”

Authorities have said the rescue operation for passengers on board the jet and the Black Hawk helicopter shifted to a recovery one as they believe there are no survivors.

Profound sense of loss in Wichita – the ‘air capital of the world’

In two news conferences on Thursday morning, the pain and bewilderment were both palpable.

At the Washington airport where the American Eagle jet was due to land, officials were forced to say what no air crash investigator wants to – that rescue had turned to recovery.

There was a sense of bewilderment over how this could have happened, a pledge to find out what went wrong and most importantly to recover the bodies of all those who died.

Read more here

A total of 28 bodies, including 27 from the jet and one from the helicopter, have been recovered from the Potomac river.

“This was a dark and excruciating night in our nation’s capital and in our nation’s history and a tragedy of terrible proportions as one nation, we grieve for every precious soul that has been taken from us so suddenly,” Mr Trump said.

The American Airlines jet was carrying 60 passengers and four crew when it crashed with the military helicopter, carrying three soldiers, shortly before 9pm local time on Wednesday.

Flight 5342 was preparing to land on runway 33 at the Ronald Reagan Washington National Airport when it collided with the helicopter.

The crash is the country’s worst civil aviation disaster since 2009.

Mr Trump also said “the people in the helicopter should have seen where they were going” and that the crash involved a “confluence of bad decisions”.

The Pentagon and US army are investigating the crash, US defense secretary Pete Hegseth said on X.

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UK

Bishop of Liverpool retires amid misconduct allegations as female bishop identifies herself as one of his accusers

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Bishop of Liverpool retires amid misconduct allegations as female bishop identifies herself as one of his accusers

The Bishop of Liverpool has announced his retirement days after facing allegations of misconduct from two women, including another bishop.

One woman said the Right Reverend Dr John Perumbalath kissed her without consent and groped her on separate occasions between 2019 and 2023, while the second, a female bishop, accused him of sexual harassment in 2023.

The Rt Revd Beverley Mason, the Bishop of Warrington, later named herself as a second complainant in a statement.

“A bishop cannot be above the law. A bishop cannot be dealt differently from a priest.

“If anything, a bishop must be held to greater scrutiny. This is a biblical imperative,” she said.

Bishop Perumbalath, 58, has vehemently denied the allegations – and in his retirement letter, published online on Thursday, he reiterated his denial.

The letter, shared by the Diocese of Liverpool, read: “Having sought the permission of His Majesty the King, I have today taken the decision to retire from active ministry in the Church of England.”

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Addressing the accusations, he continued: “Since those allegations were made I have consistently maintained that I have not done anything wrong and continue to do so.

“I do not wish this story to become a distraction for this incredible diocese and its people whom it has been an honour and joy to serve,” the bishop says in his letter.

“This is not a resignation occasioned by fault or by any admission of liability.”

The exact date for when the bishop’s role will formally end is yet to be decided, but he is stepping back from ministering and leading the diocese as of Thursday.

The letter continued: “I have taken this decision for my own well-being, my family and the best interests of the Diocese.

“I have informed the Archbishop of York of my decision and I understand he will put in place the necessary arrangements for episcopal oversight of the diocese for the remainder of my time here and during the vacancy.”

The Right Reverend Dr John Perumbalath
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Bishop Perumbalath has insisted his retirement is not an admission of guilt

The Archbishop of York Stephen Cottrell – who has faced calls to resign over separate safeguarding failures – said: “I respect his decision and thank him for his ministry.”

“My thoughts and prayers continue to be with all those who have been affected by this situation,” he continued. “I am committed to ensuring stability during this time of transition and will be putting the necessary arrangements in place to provide episcopal oversight for the diocese.”

An acting bishop will be announced in the coming days.

The Archbishop of York, Stephen Cottrell, delivers his Christmas speech.
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The Archbishop of York (pictured) has welcomed the decision – which comes at a tumultuous time for the Church of England

The diocese – which on Wednesday pressured the bishop to step aside – said in a statement: “We acknowledge his decision in taking this step for the good of the Diocese of Liverpool.

“This is a deeply painful situation, and we hold all concerned in our prayers.”

The misconduct allegations were reported by Channel 4 earlier this week but first made to the Church of England in 2023.

The Church said the female bishop’s complaint “was looked into according to statutory safeguarding guidance… and an independent risk assessment undertaken”.

“This process concluded that there were no ongoing safeguarding concerns, but a learning outcome was identified with which the bishop fully engaged.”

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A “further disclosure was made by another woman” shortly after, the Church said. This was “assessed not to be a safeguarding matter but a matter of alleged misconduct,” it added.

The Bishop of Warrington, later confirmed in a statement that she is the second complainant.

She said she was advised of a complaint against the Bishop of Liverpool in March 2023, and “raised what I believe were significant concerns, which included my own disclosure”.

She added that “we as a church have not properly and satisfactorily addressed concerns that have been raised,” and hopes that after her disclosure, “there will be no more defensiveness but an honest scrutiny of what we are doing, how we are doing it, where the gaps sit and how we address them”.

Bishop Perumbalath’s resignation comes at a tumultuous time for the Church of England, which has recently seen Justin Welby quit as Archbishop of Canterbury over the handling of another case.

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