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The following is the opening satirical monologue from The Andrew Klavan Show.

The Washington Post, where Democracy dies in darkness after they drive an ice pick into the back of its neck and toss it into the darkness and leave it there to die, has issued a devastating new poll showing President Bidens approval ratings have fallen to a level that would truly upset him if he were still capable of understanding what a poll is and what numbers are.

The poll shows Bidens approval ratings are now at a mere 36 percent. Whats more, twelve percent of those who approve of Biden are low information voters like journalists and college professors, while 8 percent of them are homeless people who receive their opinions from the demon Azuzu speaking through the fillings in their teeth. Five percent of the Biden supporters were just pranking the pollsters by pretending they knew who Joe Biden is, and the remaining four percent were former Whitney Houston backup singers who now hang out all day on Main and Third in Cincinnati chanting somebody, somebody, somebody who loves me, over and over again, hoping a passerby will put money in their hat so they can afford to get back to New Jersey and vote for Joe Biden.

Seventy-two percent of the people polled thought Biden was too old to be president. Twenty-three percent said no, he was just lying face down in his own drool to get his opponents to underestimate him. And five percent believed the president had passed away last Thursday which made him the politician least likely to ruin the country.

Sixty-three percent of those polled said they would prefer to vote for Donald Trump over Biden. Seventeen percent said they preferred Trump to Biden because Trump could almost speak in complete sentences. Twenty-two percent said Trump was better than Biden because Trump was a reckless bloviating boor who would drive the United States government into a ditch where it would be reduced to flaming rubble, so that was a plus. And sixteen percent said they would vote for Trump because he had assaulted that woman in Bergdorf Goodman after she had written for Saturday Night Live so that left only 247 unfunny writers left unpunished.

Twenty-nine percent of those polled who wanted neither Biden nor Trump said they would vote for Nikki Haley because at least she didnt believe in anything. Fourteen percent said they would vote for RFK Junior because that dude was crazy and if you dropped acid and then played his speeches backwards they would predict who was going to win the next season of Bachelorette. And eleven percent said they would vote for Vivek Ramaswamy because his name was funny and made him sound like a snake charmer and that would be really cool especially if he used a live cobra and then explained how he would reform the Fed while the cobra just wavered in front of him pretending to listen and then suddenly bit him on the face which would be hilarious especially if you were still stoned from listening to RFK.

In other poll results, 92 percent said the country was headed in the wrong direction unless you enjoyed watching that video where the race car careens into the wall and then bursts into flames, in which case the country was right on course. Breaking that result into various groups, fourteen percent of black people said they thought the country was headed in the right direction, but they couldnt be sure because they were pinned down in a crossfire behind a 1978 Dodge Dart. Eighty-two percent of Hispanics said the country was headed in the right direction compared to the country they had just come from. And 52 percent of white people said they were heading in the right direction, namely the direction of Switzerland.

Twenty-seven percent of those polled said the worst problem the country faced was runaway inflation because it meant they couldnt buy as many lottery tickets with their food stamps which gave them a lower chance of winning a loaf of bread. Eighteen percent said the worst problem facing the country was that Don Lemon had been fired and now there was no one left to scream at but their children. And three percent said the worstproblem facing the country was that when their phone rang they thought it was their ex saying she wanted to have breakup sex again but instead it turned out to be some jerkwad asking stupid questions about Joe Biden.

In terms of methodology, the Washington Post said pollsters had developed a system of weighted averages to establish the proper number of Democrats, Republicans and Independents, and then told their boss they had called those people when really they were just making stuff up because they worked for the Washington Post.

Andrew Klavanis the host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire.A popular political satirist and Hollywood screenwriter, Klavan is also an award-winning novelist.His newest novel isA Strange Habit of Mind, book two in the Cameron Winter Mystery series.

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

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Business

Bank of England holds rate but eyes cuts ahead despite global risks

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Bank of England holds rate but eyes cuts ahead despite global risks

The Bank of England has signalled that a weakening labour market could yet trump rising global challenges to allow for more interest rate cuts in the near term.

Policymakers on the nine-member monetary policy committee (MPC) voted 7-3 to maintain Bank rate at 4.25%.

There was greater support than was expected for a cut.

The Bank had previously signalled that a majority on the committee were cautious about the effects of global instability – especially the on-off US trade war.

Money latest: What interest rate decision means for your money

But the minutes of the Bank’s meeting showed there was a greater focus on a rising jobless rate and evidence that employers are shedding jobs – indicating it had dominated the meeting.

It acknowledged, however, that there were potential challenges from the on-off US trade war and as a result of the Israel-Iran conflict.

More on Bank Of England

The barrage of warheads has already resulted in double-digit percentage spikes to oil and natural gas prices in the space of a week.

“Interest rates remain on a gradual downward path,” governor Andrew Bailey said while adding that there was no pre-set path.

“The world is highly unpredictable. In the UK we are seeing signs of softening in the labour market. We will be looking carefully at the extent to which those signs feed through to consumer price inflation,” he added.

The Bank maintained its core message that it would take a “gradual” and “careful” approach.

“Energy prices had risen owing to an escalation of the conflict in the Middle East. The committee would remain vigilant about these developments and their potential impact on the UK economy,” the Bank said.

The rise in the UK’s jobless rate, along with recent data on payrolled employment, has been linked to a business backlash against budget measures, which kicked in in April, that saw employer national insurance contributions and minimum pay demands rise.

While a weaker labour market, including a fall in vacancies, could allow room for the Bank to react through further interest rate cuts, the spectre of war in the Middle East is now clouding its rate judgements.

The last thing borrowers need is an inflation spike.

The UK’s core measure of inflation peaked above 11% in the wake of Russa’s invasion of Ukraine – giving birth to what became known as the cost of living crisis.

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Businesses facing fresh energy cost threat

Inflation across the economy was driven by unprecedented spikes in natural gas costs, which pushed up not only household energy bills to record levels but those for businesses too – with the cost of goods and services reflecting those extra costs.

Borrowing costs have eased, through interest rate cuts, as the pace of price growth has come down.

The rate of inflation currently stands at 3.4% but was already forecast to rise in the second half of the year before the aerial bombardments between Israel and Iran had begun.

LSEG data shortly after the Bank of England minutes were published showed that financial markets were expecting a quarter point cut at the Bank’s next meeting in August and at least one more by the year’s end.

Read more:
Why Middle East conflict poses new cost of living threat

Commenting on the Bank’s remarks Nicholas Hyett, investment manager at Wealth Club, said: “Conflict in the Middle East risks higher energy prices potentially pushing inflation higher – though calling the course of events there is almost certainly a mugs game, and the Bank has said that under current conditions it expects inflation to remain broadly at current levels for the rest of the year.

“The risk is that all the uncertainty leaves the Bank paralysed, with rates stuck at their current level,” he concluded.

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World

UAE says navigational error caused oil tankers to collide near Strait of Hormuz

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UAE says navigational error caused oil tankers to collide near Strait of Hormuz

A crash between two oil tankers on a major shipping route near the UAE was likely caused by a navigational misjudgement by one of the vessels, officials have said.

The Adalynn and Front Eagle tankers collided and caught on fire on Tuesday near the Strait of Hormuz, a narrow channel which connects the Persian Gulf to the Gulf of Oman.

Israel-Iran latest: Tehran warns US against intervention

In a statement issued today, the United Arab Emirates’ energy ministry did not draw any link between the crash and an upsurge in electronic interference amid the Israel-Iran conflict.

Interference has disrupted navigation systems near the strait since the two countries began firing missiles at each other last week.

The multinational US-led Combined Maritime Force’s Joint Maritime Information Centre said in an advisory this week that it had received reports of interference stemming from near Iran’s Port of Bandar Abbas and other areas in the Gulf region.

Tehran has not commented on the collision or reports of interference.

The UAE coastguard said it evacuated 24 people from the Adalynn, while personnel on Front Eagle were reported safe with no pollution visible after a fire on its deck.

Read more from Sky News:
Why Israel-Iran conflict poses cost of living threat
Who has been targeted in Israel’s strikes?

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The Strait of Hormuz – which handles around a fifth of the world’s seaborne oil – links the Gulf to the northwest with the Gulf of Oman, the Arabian Sea beyond.

The Adalynn, owned by a company based in India, had no cargo and was sailing towards the Suez Canal in Egypt, according to monitoring service TankerTrackers.com.

The Front Eagle was on its way to Zhoushan in China – and loaded with two million barrels of Iraqi crude oil, the tracker said.

TankerTrackers.com said on X that the Front Eagle was moving southbound at a speed of 13.1 knots when it “executed a starboard [right] turn, resulting in a collision” with the Adalynn.

The exact cause of the collision, which resulted in no injuries or spills, is still unclear.

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Technology

Samsung aims to catch up to Chinese rivals for thin foldable phones as Apple said to enter the fray

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Samsung aims to catch up to Chinese rivals for thin foldable phones as Apple said to enter the fray

Samsung launched the Galaxy Z Fold6 at its Galaxy Unpacked event in Paris. The tech giant said the foldable device is thinner and lighter than its predecessor.

Arjun Kharpal | CNBC

Samsung will unveil a thinner version of its flagship foldable smartphone at a launch likely set to take place next month, as it battles Chinese rivals to deliver the slimmest devices to the market.

Folding phones, which have a single screen that can fold in half, came in focus when Samsung first launched such a device in 2019. But Chinese players, in particular Honor and Oppo, have since aggressively released foldables that are thinner and lighter than Samsung’s offerings.

Why are slim foldables important?

“With foldables, thinness has become more critical than ever because people aren’t prepared to accept the compromise for a thicker and heavier phone to get the real estate that a folding phone can deliver,” Ben Wood, chief analyst at CCS Insight, told CNBC on Thursday.

Honor, Oppo and other Chinese players have used their slim designs to differentiate themselves from Samsung.

Let’s look at a comparison: Samsung’s last foldable from 2024, the Galaxy Z Fold6, is 12.1 millimeter ~(0.48 inches) thick when folded and weighs 239 grams (8.43 oz). Oppo’s Find N5, which was released earlier this year, is 8.93 millimeters thick when closed and weighs 229 grams. The Honor Magic V3, which was launched last year, is 9.2 millimeters when folded and weighs 226 grams.

“Samsung needs to step up” in foldables, Wood said.

And that’s what the South Korean tech giant is planning to do at its upcoming launch, which is likely to take place next month.

“The newest Galaxy Z series is the thinnest, lightest and most advanced foldable yet – meticulously crafted and built to last,” Samsung said in a preview blog post about the phone earlier this month.

But the competition is not letting up. Honor is planning a launch on July 2 in China for its latest folding phone, the Magic V5.

“The interesting thing for Samsung, if they can approach the thinness that Honor has achieved it is will be a significant step up from predecessor, it will be a tangible step up in design,” Wood said.

Despite these advances by way of foldables, the market for the devices has not been as exciting as many had hoped.

CCS Insight said that foldables will account for just 2% of the overall smartphone market this year. Thinner phones may be one way to address the sluggish market, but consumer preferences would also need to change.

“There is a chance that by delivering much thinner foldables that are more akin to the traditional monoblock phone, it will provide an opportunity to turn consumer heads and get them to revisit the idea of having a folding device,” Wood said.

“However, I would caution foldables do remain problematic because in many cases consumers struggle to see why they need a folding device.”

Although the market remains small for foldables compared to traditional smartphones, noted analyst Ming-Chi Kuo of TF International Securities on Wednesday said Apple  — which has been notably absent from this product line-up — plans to make a folding iPhone starting next year.

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