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Whenever November comes along, American political observers turn their minds to the upcoming elections because they cant just sit in the corner sobbing all the time, its unseemly.

As things stand now, Democrats are fearful that their election chances may suffer somewhat from the fact that their policies have led to two major wars, surrendered our borders to Mexican cartels, and turned our salaries to dust that was blown away on the winds of inflation into a vast expanse of insubstantial nothingness that used to be our rent and groceries. As DNC Chairman Mao Tse Jihad told CNN anchorwoman Vladimir Jihad no relation Were concerned that our disastrous policies may have alienated some of our core voters, like dead people, unassigned social security numbers, and bicycle riders with bags filled with mail-in votes from former residents who moved away years ago and are now voting in other states. Without those constituencies were not sure well be able to garner enough self-righteous white women who dont know anything but feel good when they vote for us for no discernible reason.

To counter the actual effects of their policies, Democrats are hoping to fashion an electoral majority out of voters who stick their ice cream cones into their foreheads because theyre too stupid to find their mouths. Political consultants are experimenting with slogans that appeal to the Democrat base like, Vote Democrat. The Country is still standing. Help us finish the job. Or Extreme Maga Republicans want to stop you from slaughtering your unborn children, but we wont let them, because were evil, like you.

Consultants are also hoping Joe Bidens primary campaign will help lift local candidates. Theyve already filmed one candid campaign commercial in which Biden looks directly into the camera and speaks off the cuff with great sincerity, saying, Im Joe Biden. Hebda meena babba-dabba-loo norvis catumin, then he falls on his face. In another commercial, the president is shown gazing off into the distance with a waving American flag superimposed over his image as he speaks in voiceover saying, My fellow Americans, where am I? And why is that transparent flag waving on my face? And where am I? If those commercials dont test well, the campaign may simply go with a bold slogan like: Joe Biden. Theres absolutely no proof hes doing what hes doing.

On the Republican side, middle-of-the-road GOP consultants and other nostalgic onanists are desperately trying to make Nikki Haley into a thing so she can use a win in the Iowa caucuses as a launchpad to hosting a late night talk show on OAN. These strategists are hoping that Florida governor Ron DeSantis will leave the race so Nikki can combine his 16% support with her 16% support which would add up to 16% support since her 16% support is completely imaginary. Haleys campaign slogan would be, Nikki Haley! Lets just pretend this whole Trump thing never happened.

More realistic Republicans are looking at frontrunner Donald Trump and trying to find ways to expand his support beyond those voters who can stand him. One strategy is to have GOP operatives pose as Democrat protestors at Trump rallies, only instead of calling Trump literally Hitler, theyll call him literally Hamas, since it means exactly the same thing except Democrats would then vote for him.

Strategists are also preparing for the likelihood that Trump may be convicted in one of the many trials charging him with being simultaneously obnoxious and right about everything. If Trump should win the election and be forced to run his presidency from prison, advisors are hoping he might use his reality TV expertise to stage crowd pleasing events like a riot between the Black Vanguard and the Aryan Brotherhood in which the survivor becomes his chief of staff. This would be an improvement over Trumps former chiefs of staff, because at least prison gang members dont rat on you. Such events would be interspersed with commercials in which prisoners who have dirt on the Clintons are put in solitary confinement on 24-hour-suicide watch yet still somehow manage to hang themselves with Giza Dream Sheets made with 100% long staple cotton. Use code Dont Mess With Hillary for a 40% chance of disappearing without a trace.

Andrew Klavan is the host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire. He is an award-winning novelist, Hollywood screenwriter, and popular satirist. Klavan isthe author of When Christmas Comes and When Christmas Comes the first two novels in the USA Today best-selling Cameron Winter Mystery series.

The third installment, The House of Love and Death, is now available!

Follow Klavan on Twitter:@andrewklavan

This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of The Andrew Klavan Show.

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

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US speaker says Zelenskyy might need to resign – as Lord Mandelson suggests Ukraine commits to ceasefire before Russia

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US speaker says Zelenskyy might need to resign - as Lord Mandelson suggests Ukraine commits to ceasefire before Russia

US Speaker Mike Johnson has suggested Volodymyr Zelenskyy might need to leave office in order for Ukraine to achieve a peace deal with Russia, as Lord Mandelson says Kyiv should commit to a ceasefire before Russia.

“Something has to change,” Mr Johnson told NBC.

“Either he needs to come to his senses and come back to the table in gratitude or someone else needs to lead the country to do that,” he added, referring to Mr Zelenskyy.

The Republican said “it’s up to the Ukrainians to figure that out”.

Meanwhile Lord Mandelson, the UK’s ambassador to the US, told ABC News: “I think that Ukraine should be the first to commit to a ceasefire and defy the Russians to follow.

“And then, as part of the unfolding plan for this negotiation, the Europeans and perhaps some other countries too have got to consider how they are going to put forces on the ground to play their part in providing enduring security and deterrence for Ukraine.”

Ukraine war summit latest: ‘This is a once in a generation moment’, PM tells EU leaders

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Trump and Zelenskyy’s body language explained

The remarks came two days after a disastrous meeting between the Ukrainian president and Donald Trump and his vice president JD Vance descended into a shouting match in the Oval Office.

Mr Johnson said: “What President Zelenskyy did in the White House was effectively signal to us that he’s not ready for that yet and I think that’s a great disappointment.”

The fallout left a proposed agreement between Ukraine and the US to jointly develop Ukraine’s natural resources in limbo.

Mike Johnson. Pic: Reuters
Image:
Mike Johnson. Pic: Reuters

The idea of Mr Zelenskyy stepping aside also came up on Friday after the Oval Office meeting, with US Republican senator Lindsey Graham saying the Ukrainian leader “either needs to resign or send somebody over that we can do business with, or he needs to change”.

Meanwhile, White House national security adviser Mike Waltz said it is not clear Mr Zelenskyy is prepared to secure lasting peace with Russia.

“We need a leader that can deal with us, eventually deal with the Russians and end this war,” Mr Waltz told CNN when asked whether Mr Trump wants Mr Zelenskyy to resign.

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Every time Zelenskyy thanks US

“If it becomes apparent that President Zelenskyy’s either personal motivations or political motivations are divergent from ending the fighting in his country, then I think we have a real issue on our hands.”

US secretary of state Marco Rubio said he had not spoken to Mr Zelenskyy since the spat on Friday.

“We’ll be ready to re-engage when they’re ready to make peace,” Mr Rubio told ABC.

Marco Rubio during the meeting between Volodymyr Zelenskyy and Donald Trump. Pic: Reuters
Image:
Marco Rubio during the meeting between Mr Zelenskyy and Mr Trump. Pic: Reuters

But Democratic senator Amy Klobuchar told ABC she was “appalled” by the clash in the Oval Office and said she met Mr Zelenskyy before he went to the White House on Friday and he had been excited to sign an expected minerals deal.

“There is still an opening here” for a peace deal, she said.

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World leaders embrace Zelenskyy

It comes as Sir Keir Starmer hosted a summit between Mr Zelenskyy and other European leaders in an effort to get a peace plan back on track.

The prime minister said the UK, France and Ukraine would work on a ceasefire plan to present to the US.

Sir Keir, who visited Washington on Thursday, said he believes Mr Trump does want a “lasting peace” but warned Europe is in a “moment of real fragility” and he would not trust the word of Vladimir Putin.

Mr Zelenskyy will later meet the King.

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Hard power is the world’s real currency once again – talking tough on defence won’t be enough

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Hard power is the world's real currency once again - talking tough on defence won't be enough

Remarkable – and relatively speaking a blessing – that the wake-up call for Britain to take defence seriously again did not come in the form of a military attack on UK soil, but instead was triggered by the verbal assault of Ukraine’s wartime leader by a sitting US president.

The lack of any physical destruction on British streets, though, should fool no one in government or wider society that the framework of security that has protected the country and its allies since the end of the Second World War is not at best cracked and at worst shattered.

Instead, check out one of the latest posts by Elon Musk, Donald Trump’s “disrupter-in-chief”.

He used his social media site X to say “I agree” with a call for the United States to leave NATO – a transatlantic alliance, and the bedrock of European security, that the new administration had until now continued to back at least in public.

It is yet another example of escalating hostility from the new Trump White House – which has sided with Russia against Ukraine, lashed out at its European partners over their values, and even suggested absorbing Canada as the 51st American state.

The alarming mood-change by a nation that is meant to be a friend surely demands an equally dramatic shift in approach by NATO’s 30 European allies and their Canadian partner.

Rather than stating the obvious – that American support can no longer be taken for granted – they should instead be actively adapting to a world in which it fundamentally no longer exists.

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When Starmer met Zelenskyy: What happened?

Make no mistake, this would be a daunting and humbling prospect – perhaps too awful even to contemplate, in particular for the UK, which has tied itself militarily so closely to the US for pretty much everything from intelligence sharing and technology to nuclear weapons.

Britain is not alone. All European militaries, as well as Canada, to a greater or lesser extent rely heavily on their more powerful American partners.

Breaking that dependency would require a rapid expansion in military capabilities and capacity across the continent, as well as a huge effort to build up the defence industrial base required to produce weapons at scale and exploit emerging technologies.

Sir Keir Starmer – who is hosting a Ukraine summit of allies on Sunday – has rightly adopted the UK’s natural position of leadership in Europe in the wake of Donald Trump’s extraordinary hostility towards Volodymyr Zelenskyy. He gave the embattled Ukrainian president a warm embrace on Saturday when the two met at Downing Street.

Britain is one of Europe’s two nuclear-armed states, a powerful voice within NATO, and a permanent member of the United Nations Security Council.

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All the times Zelenskyy thanked the US

But talking tough on defence and the need to support Ukraine as the US steps back is no longer enough in a world where hard power is the only real currency once again.

A pledge by the prime minister to increase defence spending to 2.5% of national income by 2027 and to 3% in the next parliament is of course a step in the right direction.

Yet unless it is accompanied by much greater speed and urgency coupled with a genuinely generational shift in the entire country’s approach to national security then it will go down in history as the headline-grabbing but otherwise empty gesture of a government that has forgotten what it means to be ready to fight wars.

Anneliese Dodds, who quit as international development secretary on Thursday over the prime minister’s plan to fund his increase in defence spending with a raid on the overseas aid budget, summed up the challenge well in her resignation letter.

She wrote that she supported the plan to lift the defence budget but said even 3% “may only be the start, and it will be impossible to raise the substantial resources needed just through tactical cuts to public spending”.

She added: “These are unprecedented times, when strategic decisions for the sake of our country’s security cannot be ducked.”

Read more:
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Ukrainians react to White House meeting

Ms Dodds is right.

It is no longer good enough to treat defence, deterrence and wider national resilience as a niche subject that is delivered by an increasingly small, professional military.

Rather, it should once again be at the heart of the thinking of all government departments – from the Treasury and business to health and education – led by the prime minister, his national security adviser and the cabinet secretary.

This is not something new. It was normal during the Cold War years when, after two world wars, the whole country was acutely aware of the need to maintain costly but credible armed forces and a population that was ready to play its part in a crisis.

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What Ukrainians think of row between Volodymyr Zelenskyy and Donald Trump

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What Ukrainians think of row between Volodymyr Zelenskyy and Donald Trump

Ukrainians have told Sky News they still support Volodymyr Zelenskyy in the wake of his explosive row with Donald Trump.

Volodymyr Zelenskyy had travelled to Washington DC as he was due to clinch a deal on minerals with the US on Friday, but he left empty handed after a heated exchange in the Oval Office.

Under the watch of the world’s media, the final ten minutes of the meeting descended into a shouting match, as both Mr Trump and his vice president, JD Vance, accused Mr Zelenskyy of being “ungrateful”.

Mr Trump berated Mr Zelenskyy as “disrespectful”, while the Ukrainian leader tried to defend himself.

Kyiv citizens speaking to Sky News have said they stand by their president – despite calls from the US for him to stand down and hold an election.

Ukraine latest: Zelenskyy arrives in the UK

Nikita, 30, told Sky News: “He is the president, we selected him. So we trust him.”

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He said it was “probably” likely Ukraine would be abandoned by America in the wake of the row, but he said he retained confidence in the governance of his nation.

“But I don’t have confidence on what will happen next,” he said.

Dmytro
Image:
Nikita

“I really hope Europe will awake and maybe replace US support.”

He spoke in the centre of the city, while pushing his seven-month-old child in a pram. When asked about the future of Ukraine, he said if he was not sure the country had a future, then he would not have stayed.

‘Maybe America changed their mind’

Alla said she was “very disappointed” by how the conversation had played out.

“We were hoping for peace,” she said.

She said this morning it felt like “everything had changed, but we are hoping for the best anyway”.

“Ukraine is strong and will stand. That is our power.”

Alla
Image:
Alla

When asked about the potential withdrawal of US support, she said: “I hope Europe will help us. And I think maybe America also changed their mind, because I’ve seen a lot of American people who say they are sorry for Trump’s words, saying ‘I’m sorry, we are not Trump. We don’t think like this’.”

‘Our president was right’

Svitlana, 52, said simply: “Our president was right – we have no choice. Of course we want peace, we want a ceasefire, but Putin will not do that.

Svitlana
Image:
Svitlana

“He does not want peace. He wants to continue to totally destroy us.”

She said how, during the Oval Office meeting, a drone attacked medical facilities and other targets in Kharkiv, the country’s second largest city, injuring at least seven people, according to local officials.

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“This is not the behaviour of people who want peace,” she said.

Dmytro
Image:
Dmytro

Dmytro, 30, said it would still be possible to win the war without America.

“It would be hard, but with the help of European Union, with our own production, it would be possible,” he said.

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