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Inspirational thought of the week:

You must think on a different level, like the CIA does.
We’re through the looking glass here, people.
White is black.
And black is white.

— Kevin Costner as Jim Garrison, “JFK”

Under the supervision of the reverse vampires,
they are forcing our parents to go to bed early,
In a fiendish plot to eliminate the meal of dinner!
We are through the looking glass here, people.

— Milhouse Van Houten, “The Simpsons”

Here at Bottom 10 Headquarters, located in Jeff Saturday’s just-vacated wardrobe closet at ESPN, we spent last weekend crystalizing our already-strong feelings that when it comes to knowledge, we know nothing.

The Vanderbilt Commode Doors have been a mainstay of the 2022 Bottom 10, whether they were ranked or sitting on the Waiting List, the losers of 26 straight SEC games long having put the “mean” in “It Just Means More.” Then they beat No. 24 Kentucky in Lexington.

It was just two weeks ago that we promoted/demoted #gobc, aka Boston College, into these standings, after four straight losses. Then they beat No. 16 NC State.

By The Time I Get To Arizona knocked off No. 12 UCLA. The Artist Formerly Known as Pur-don’t upset No. 21 Ill-ugh-noise. And in Storrs, Connecticut, the team we used to call U-Can’t totally U-Did, extinguishing the AP’s 19th-ranked Liberty Flames to become bowl eligible for the first time in seven years.

But to be clear, this is no conspiracy theory. This is real. The Bottom 10 multiverse is legit. We know this because we walked through the looking glass. OK, we actually walked into a sliding glass door, but when we were asked, “How many fingers am I holding up?” she definitely had 12. We’re sure of it.

With apologies to Dr. Steven Strange, Oliver Stone, former Alabama A&M quarterback Aqeel Glass and Steve Harvey, here are the post-Week 11 Bottom 10 rankings.

1. UMess (1-9)

The Minutemen lost the Pillow Fight of Week at then-No. 8 Arkansaw State 35-33 when a late rally came up just short — like, half a yard short of a 2-point conversion that could have forced overtime. It was also the second time in three weeks that we had an unexpected Bottom 10 bureau reporter on site to watch UMass lose. Now the Minutemen face an unexpected opponent in the year’s most unexpected edition of the Pillow Fight of the Week. But to find out who that foe shall be, you’re gonna have to keep reading and wait a minute, man.

2. US(notC)F (1-9)

The Bulls cashed in their Bottom 10 Hey We Just Fired Our Coach FastPass one week ago and followed that up with a coach-less loss to SMU. Now they travel to face Bottom 10 Waiting List member Living on Tulsa Time, which is still suffering from a totally understandable year-long Myrtle Beach Bowl championship hangover.

3. Akronmonious (1-9)

The Zips dropped their home finale with a loss to Eastern Not Western Or Central Michigan, but their Bottom 10 title hopes took a hit when then-No. 7 Northern Ill-ugh-noise had the audacity to earn its third win of the season, over Western Not Eastern Or Central Michigan. That stole some zip from their Thanksgiving weekend season finale, which had had serious Bottom 10 Megabowl potential.

4. Colora-duh (1-9)

The Buffs continued their “How can we help your Heisman candidate?” goodwill tour, as they allowed a five-touchdown performance by USC quarterback Caleb Williams on the heels of allowing a five-touchdown performance by Oregon quarterback Bo Nix. I’m no Nostradamus, but I’m here to say that this weekend Washington quarterback Michael Penix Jr. will account for five touchdowns against the Buffs.

5. The Agricultural and Mechanical College of Texas (3-7)

Have you seen this trend within collegiate athletics where big donors have coaching positions and even entire position groups named for them? For example, Stanford head coach David Shaw is the Bradford M. Freeman Director of Football and Notre Dame’s Tommy Rees is the John and Bobbie Arlotta Family Offensive Coordinator/Quarterbacks Coach. Well, we’d like to extend an invitation to our friends in College Station to make this the John James “Jimbo” Fisher Jr. Coveted Fifth Spot. Perhaps we could make the announcement during halftime of this weekend’s Pillow Fight of the Week vs. UMass.

6. North by Northworstern (1-9)

Shoutout to back in the day — like, I dunno, two years ago? — when the Mildcats would look at regular season-ending matchups with Purdue and Illinois and already be buying bottles of sunscreen for their inevitable holiday trip to a Florida bowl game. Now they are looking at those games and are already buying bottles of Lysol for their inevitable holiday trip to an Evanston toilet bowl.

7. Whew Mexico No-bos (2-9)

The Mountain West invasion of these rankings begins New Mexico Not New Mexico State, who have lost seven in a row and already have their Bottom 10 eyes trying to focus on two weeks from now when they face Colorado State. But …

8. No-vada (2-8)

Colorado State isn’t ranked in this spot because it beat Nevada back in Week 5 and the very next week the Oof Pack lost to …

9. Huh-why-yuh (2-9)

The Warriors have won only twice this year, but one of those was that Week 5 win over Nevada, which they immediately followed up with a loss to …

10. Colora-duh State (2-8)

So, to recap, the Rams beat Hawai’i and Nevada and will host New Mexico in the Black Friday season finale. Our plan to sort it all out is to bribe the people over at ESPN Stats & Information research, begging them to input all of this into their computers to see what FPI says about it. Bribe them with what? Some deep-fried Cajun turkey leftovers from Thanksgiving. Have you ever seen the fire that erupts from one of those fryers if you don’t thaw the turkey all the way? That’s exactly what that FPI machine is gonna look like when the Mountain West is done with it.

Waiting list: Charlotte 2-and-9ers, Arkansaw State, Texas State Armadillos, Virginia Tech No-kies, Old Duh-minion, Northern Ill-ugh-noise, Western Not Eastern Or Central Michigan, Temple of Doom, both sides of the Big Game.

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Horns’ Ewers leads ‘new era’ of college football

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Horns' Ewers leads 'new era' of college football

ARLINGTON, Texas — Texas coach Steve Sarkisian said Thursday that quarterback Quinn Ewers, with the emergence of name, image and likeness and the transfer portal, has become the face of this “new era of college football.”

Ewers initially committed to Texas, but he then opted to skip his senior year of high school and reclassify to the 2021 recruiting class before enrolling a year early and joining Ohio State during preseason practice.

Still the nation’s No. 1 ranked overall prospect, Ewers landed one of the first marquee NIL deals worth $1.4 million.

Ewers, who lasted one season with the Buckeyes before transferring to Texas, will square off against Ohio State on Friday night in the Goodyear Cotton Bowl with a trip to the College Football Playoff national championship on the line.

“It’s not been an easy journey for him,” Sarkisian said Thursday. “There’s been ups, there’s been downs, there’s been injuries, there’s been great moments, there’s been tough moments. … But at the end of the day, he’s always stayed true to who he is. The guy’s been a steady sea for us.”

Ewers has been making college football headlines since Ohio State offered him a scholarship when he was just in middle school. This week, Buckeyes coach Ryan Day recalled meeting Ewers for the first time when he was an eighth-grader visiting a Buckeyes football camp.

“He was a boy at the time really, who just had a tremendous release,” Day recalled. “And I remember grabbing him and grabbing his dad and said, ‘Man, you got a bright future ahead of you. I don’t know if this is good or bad, but we’re going to offer you a scholarship to Ohio State.'”

C.J. Stroud, who has since led the Houston Texans to the NFL playoffs, emerged as a star quarterback for the Buckeyes then, prompting Ewers to transfer to Texas.

“Boy, it was strange how it all shook out,” Day said. “He decided he really wanted to play. And it was disappointing for us, but we certainly understood. From afar I’ve watched him. He’s a really good player. He comes from a great family, and he’s had a great career at Texas and a lot of people here still have good relationships with him and think the world of him.”

At Texas, Ewers has started in 27 wins and led the Longhorns to back-to-back playoff appearances. This season, he has thrown for 3,189 yards and 29 touchdowns with 11 interceptions.

Ewers noted that the “coolest part” of the NIL era is being able to provide for his parents. He has even hired his mom, making her CFO of his finances while giving her a salary.

“Which is nice just because all the effort and work they put into me growing up,” he said. “I mean, when we were living in South Texas, they both quit their jobs and moved up to Southlake [to support Ewers’ budding athletic career].”

Whatever happens in the playoff — whether it be a loss Friday or a national championship victory against the winner of Notre DamePenn State on Jan. 20 — Ewers’ career at Texas figures to be coming to a close.

Though Ewers still has one season of eligibility remaining, blue-chip quarterback prospect Arch Manning appears primed to finally take over in Austin next season.

Manning, the nephew of NFL quarterback greats Peyton and Eli Manning, who could become the No. 1 overall prospect for the 2026 NFL draft, has backed up Ewers for two seasons waiting for his opportunity. Sarkisian even momentarily benched Ewers in favor of Manning during Texas’ 30-15 loss to Georgia on Oct. 19.

Still, Ewers figures to have options.

ESPN football analyst Mel Kiper Jr. ranks him as the No. 6 quarterback prospect eligible for the upcoming draft. Rumors have also emerged recently that Ewers could put off the NFL for another year and transfer to a third school for millions more in NIL money.

Amid those distractions, Ewers has thrived in the playoff bouncing back from oblique and ankle injuries from earlier in the year to complete 69% of his passes with four touchdowns in Texas’ two victories.

In the Chick-fil-A Peach Bowl quarterfinal, Ewers tossed 29- and 25-yard touchdown passes in the overtimes, lifting Texas to the 39-31 win over Arizona State.

“I’ve just been proud of him,” Sarkisian said, “because he’s found a source for him that has been a motivating factor, where he can play free and play loose and play confident.”

Ewers added that, whatever the future holds, even contemplating it now would be “selfish,” with a national title still in reach for him and the Longhorns.

“I owe my teammates the best version of me right now,” he said. “I can’t be looking forward or I’ll trip on the rock that’s sitting right in front of me. I’ve got to be locked in on what’s right here.”

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Texas RT Williams back in lineup for CFP semi

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Texas RT Williams back in lineup for CFP semi

ARLINGTON, Texas — Texas starting right tackle Cameron Williams will return for the College Football Playoff semifinal against Ohio State on Friday, Longhorns coach Steve Sarkisian said Thursday.

Williams suffered a right knee sprain in the playoff opener against Clemson. The injury forced him to miss Texas’ quarterfinal overtime victory over Arizona State.

A junior, Williams has played in 37 games in his career with 16 starts for the Longhorns. Williams is rated as the No. 28 overall prospect and fifth offensive tackle in ESPN’s NFL draft rankings.

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Sources: Georgia QB Beck enters transfer portal

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Sources: Georgia QB Beck enters transfer portal

Georgia quarterback Carson Beck has entered the NCAA transfer portal, sources confirmed to ESPN on Thursday.

Beck had declared for the NFL draft on Dec. 28 but is now reversing course and will explore a transfer.

Sources told ESPN that Miami looms as the favorite for Beck and the timeline for his decision is expected to play out within a week.

While Miami is the favorite for Beck, a source said Beck’s camp intends to listen to all potential suitors for the best situation: “It’s a strategic thing, not an emotional thing,” the source said.

Beck, a two-year starter at Georgia, is currently recovering from surgery to repair the ulnar collateral ligament in his throwing elbow after suffering the injury during the Bulldogs’ SEC championship victory over Texas.

Beck will not be able to throw until March, sources told ESPN, which would have complicated his NFL draft process and will likely force him to miss spring practice at his next school. Sources said the variety of feedback he got from the draft process led to this decision, as he changed his mind in the past 24 hours. He received advice that if he could return and wanted to, he should probably return and play another season in college.

A source said Beck received feedback that he could end up anywhere between the first and third round, with much of that uncertainty due to the fact that he would not be able to throw for a team in predraft workouts.

Despite that injury setback, Beck will immediately become the most coveted quarterback available as a late entry to the transfer market. While Miami looms as the favorite, there are other big brand teams that could jump out as suitors including Texas Tech and Notre Dame.

The 6-foot-4, 220-pound senior went 24-3 as the Bulldogs’ starter and was viewed as a potential No. 1 draft pick entering the 2024 season. He threw for 3,485 yards with 28 touchdowns and 12 interceptions this season and led Georgia back to the SEC title game.

Beck injured his elbow on the final play of the first half against Texas on Dec. 7. Renowned orthopedic surgeon Dr. Neal ElAttrache performed Beck’s surgery on Dec. 23 in Los Angeles.

“He wants to win,” said the source close to Beck. “He didn’t come back to get knocked out at halftime of a conference championship.”

Entering his fifth college season, Beck was viewed as a potential top-10 draft pick. ESPN’s Mel Kiper Jr. currently considers Beck the No. 5 quarterback in his draft rankings.

Miami has not added a transfer quarterback this offseason to succeed Cam Ward, the potential No. 1 pick. They’ve quietly been canvassing the transfer market in recent weeks, per sources, as they have been set on bringing in a front-line starter who can produce immediately, much like Ward did.

Ward made a similar decision last January, initially declaring for the NFL draft but changing his mind and transferring to join the Hurricanes after he was unsatisfied with his draft feedback. Ward finished fourth in Heisman Trophy voting in his lone season in the program after producing 4,313 passing yards and 43 total touchdowns.

On3 first reported Beck’s intentions to enter the portal.

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