You must think on a different level, like the CIA does. We’re through the looking glass here, people. White is black. And black is white.
— Kevin Costner as Jim Garrison, “JFK”
Under the supervision of the reverse vampires, they are forcing our parents to go to bed early, In a fiendish plot to eliminate the meal of dinner! We are through the looking glass here, people.
— Milhouse Van Houten, “The Simpsons”
Here at Bottom 10 Headquarters, located in Jeff Saturday’s just-vacated wardrobe closet at ESPN, we spent last weekend crystalizing our already-strong feelings that when it comes to knowledge, we know nothing.
The Vanderbilt Commode Doors have been a mainstay of the 2022 Bottom 10, whether they were ranked or sitting on the Waiting List, the losers of 26 straight SEC games long having put the “mean” in “It Just Means More.” Then they beat No. 24 Kentucky in Lexington.
It was just two weeks ago that we promoted/demoted #gobc, aka Boston College, into these standings, after four straight losses. Then they beat No. 16 NC State.
By The Time I Get To Arizona knocked off No. 12 UCLA. The Artist Formerly Known as Pur-don’t upset No. 21 Ill-ugh-noise. And in Storrs, Connecticut, the team we used to call U-Can’t totally U-Did, extinguishing the AP’s 19th-ranked Liberty Flames to become bowl eligible for the first time in seven years.
But to be clear, this is no conspiracy theory. This is real. The Bottom 10 multiverse is legit. We know this because we walked through the looking glass. OK, we actually walked into a sliding glass door, but when we were asked, “How many fingers am I holding up?” she definitely had 12. We’re sure of it.
With apologies to Dr. Steven Strange, Oliver Stone, former Alabama A&M quarterback Aqeel Glass and Steve Harvey, here are the post-Week 11 Bottom 10 rankings.
1. UMess (1-9)
The Minutemen lost the Pillow Fight of Week at then-No. 8 Arkansaw State 35-33 when a late rally came up just short — like, half a yard short of a 2-point conversion that could have forced overtime. It was also the second time in three weeks that we had an unexpected Bottom 10 bureau reporter on site to watch UMass lose. Now the Minutemen face an unexpected opponent in the year’s most unexpected edition of the Pillow Fight of the Week. But to find out who that foe shall be, you’re gonna have to keep reading and wait a minute, man.
The Bulls cashed in their Bottom 10 Hey We Just Fired Our Coach FastPass one week ago and followed that up with a coach-less loss to SMU. Now they travel to face Bottom 10 Waiting List member Living on Tulsa Time, which is still suffering from a totally understandable year-long Myrtle Beach Bowl championship hangover.
3. Akronmonious (1-9)
The Zips dropped their home finale with a loss to Eastern Not Western Or Central Michigan, but their Bottom 10 title hopes took a hit when then-No. 7 Northern Ill-ugh-noise had the audacity to earn its third win of the season, over Western Not Eastern Or Central Michigan. That stole some zip from their Thanksgiving weekend season finale, which had had serious Bottom 10 Megabowl potential.
4. Colora-duh (1-9)
The Buffs continued their “How can we help your Heisman candidate?” goodwill tour, as they allowed a five-touchdown performance by USC quarterback Caleb Williams on the heels of allowing a five-touchdown performance by Oregon quarterback Bo Nix. I’m no Nostradamus, but I’m here to say that this weekend Washington quarterback Michael Penix Jr. will account for five touchdowns against the Buffs.
5. The Agricultural and Mechanical College of Texas (3-7)
Have you seen this trend within collegiate athletics where big donors have coaching positions and even entire position groups named for them? For example, Stanford head coach David Shaw is the Bradford M. Freeman Director of Football and Notre Dame’s Tommy Rees is the John and Bobbie Arlotta Family Offensive Coordinator/Quarterbacks Coach. Well, we’d like to extend an invitation to our friends in College Station to make this the John James “Jimbo” Fisher Jr. Coveted Fifth Spot. Perhaps we could make the announcement during halftime of this weekend’s Pillow Fight of the Week vs. UMass.
6. North by Northworstern (1-9)
Shoutout to back in the day — like, I dunno, two years ago? — when the Mildcats would look at regular season-ending matchups with Purdue and Illinois and already be buying bottles of sunscreen for their inevitable holiday trip to a Florida bowl game. Now they are looking at those games and are already buying bottles of Lysol for their inevitable holiday trip to an Evanston toilet bowl.
7. Whew Mexico No-bos (2-9)
The Mountain West invasion of these rankings begins New Mexico Not New Mexico State, who have lost seven in a row and already have their Bottom 10 eyes trying to focus on two weeks from now when they face Colorado State. But …
8. No-vada (2-8)
Colorado State isn’t ranked in this spot because it beat Nevada back in Week 5 and the very next week the Oof Pack lost to …
9. Huh-why-yuh (2-9)
The Warriors have won only twice this year, but one of those was that Week 5 win over Nevada, which they immediately followed up with a loss to …
10. Colora-duh State (2-8)
So, to recap, the Rams beat Hawai’i and Nevada and will host New Mexico in the Black Friday season finale. Our plan to sort it all out is to bribe the people over at ESPN Stats & Information research, begging them to input all of this into their computers to see what FPI says about it. Bribe them with what? Some deep-fried Cajun turkey leftovers from Thanksgiving. Have you ever seen the fire that erupts from one of those fryers if you don’t thaw the turkey all the way? That’s exactly what that FPI machine is gonna look like when the Mountain West is done with it.
Waiting list: Charlotte 2-and-9ers, Arkansaw State, Texas State Armadillos, Virginia Tech No-kies, Old Duh-minion, Northern Ill-ugh-noise, Western Not Eastern Or Central Michigan, Temple of Doom, both sides of the Big Game.
AUSTIN, Texas — Steve Sarkisian enters his fifth season as head coach at Texas with the program facing big expectations after reaching the semifinals of the College Football Playoff in consecutive years.
The Arch Manning era has officially arrived in Austin, as he’ll be the Longhorns’ full-time starting quarterback this fall. Manning is humble enough that he has won over the locker room and self-assured enough that he’ll occasionally wink at Sarkisian after a good play in practice.
“Almost like, ‘Did you like that?'” Sarkisian chuckled about the winks.
With Texas headed into its second season in the SEC, there is a stout roster, strong returning cores on both sides of the ball and the reality of playoff expectations hovering again. There’s also a defense that’s experienced and explosive enough that Sarkisian says, “I don’t think Arch is ever going to have to go into a game thinking we have to outscore ’em.”
We’ll know right away with the Longhorns traveling to Ohio State for the marquee game of Week 1. Here is Sark on Manning, the state of the program and why Texas has established itself as a top 10 program again.
Question: Arch Manning’s moment is finally here. He’s waited patiently for it. He’s the focal point of both the offense and the locker room now. How’s he embraced the new reality?
Sarkisian: I think there’s something that’s unique about Arch. You can watch him throw and you see when you get up on him in person, man, he’s a bigger guy than maybe people think. When you watch him throw, the arm talent and the deep ball is there. Then you watch him move and you’re like, wait, this guy’s a better athlete than I thought. Definitely got grandpa’s gene. It’s not the uncles, he got grandpa’s gene. There’s an infectious leadership that he has, that I don’t want to say is unintentional because he intentionally leads. You can feel that. But the unintentional leadership ability he has, players gravitate to him, they want to be around him.
They like him for who he is, not for the name on the back of his jersey. And I think that’s something that he provides. He’s a fiery guy. He enjoys playing the game. Even in practice he’ll make a throw, and he’ll look over at me and wink at me almost like, ‘Did you like that?’ And so we have really good rapport, but I understand now because of my rapport with him, why the players have really good rapport with him. He just has a natural ability to engage with people.
Q: What’s that rapport like?
Sarkisian: Sometimes it’s verbal, sometimes it’s nonverbal. But I think that’s part of the responsibility as a quarterback that when you look at a quarterback and why is it this position in sports that is so coveted? It’s because your job is really to instill belief in the locker room, your job is to instill belief in an organization or a team or in a staff, and then ultimately your job is to instill belief in a fan base. And I think that he does that very naturally. It’s not something that is manufactured or fabricated. It’s very natural for him to go along with all those other things, the skill set, the ability to do those things. And so, I’m excited for him. I just want to make sure that we’re really strong around him, that he doesn’t feel the weight of the world to have to go perform. I want us to play really well around him to enhance what he’s able to do.
Q: Will there be some grace for growth? Some people already are pegging him the first-team All-SEC quarterback. He’s spent his whole life as a Manning, so he’s prepared, I guess, but do you think he’s prepared for the first interception in Columbus? Or the moment when on-field adversity hits? Do you think he’s ready for the level of both praise and criticism that will come?
Sarkisian: I think one, the exposure he got last season was helpful. He got two career starts. He started as our quarterback in the first SEC game in the history of the school. And those were not all perfect. Granted, there were some great moments. He threw nine touchdowns and almost a thousand yards. There was a couple of bad picks in there, too. And in the end, I think he understands he is not riding the emotional roller coaster of the opinions of others and staying [with a] level of consistency in his approach, in his play, in his ability to pick people up. Easier said than done when you’re not in the real fire of it all. But we are fortunate that he got exposed to some of that, and he threw a couple bad picks, and it was OK.
Q: He missed a few blitz pickups, right?
Sarkisian: Yeah, and he gets hit in the back and things like that. Like he’s learning. And yeah, there’s probably going to be some grace needed. Unfortunately, it’s probably not going to be grace granted outside of our building. Inside of our building, sure, there will be, but outside of the building, the pundits are going to be the pundits, the fans are going to be the fans, the opposing fans are going to be the fans. But inside our building, I think the support that he’s going to get is going to be one that he’ll definitely appreciate.
Q: One impactful change this spring has been Duane Akina being back on the field. He was here from 2001 to 2013 and coached an elite assembly line of defensive backs. What’s it been like having him back?
Sarkisian: Having Coach Akina back has been awesome. It’s been great in the building and the timing felt right. When we lost Blake Gideon [to Georgia Tech], we still had Terry Joseph on staff [and a] connection between he and Pete Kwiatkowski was a perfect fit. I had heard about [Akina] as a coach on the field, but I had never really seen it. And he’s a very kind of even-keel guy in and around the building. But when you watch him coach, the energy that he provides at practice is infectious. It’s what you always wanted in all of your coaches. And so the fact that here’s this guy, the oldest coach in our staff and he’s running to the ball, he’s demanding excellence out of every player, I think has just been infectious. Not only amongst the staff, but I think the respect that the players have, knowing the history and track record that he’s had of great players … here when it was DBU to what he was able to do at Stanford. He’s been an awesome addition.
Q: Identity-wise on defense, will this team be built around the defensive backs?
Sarkisian: I would argue it might be the best position group we have on our team right now from sheer talent. Now we have some experience there with Michael Taaffe coming back, Derek Williams getting healthy, Jelani McDonald‘s experience, Jaylon Guilbeau‘s experience, Malik Muhammad‘s experience. But below those guys, I think our ability to recruit that position the last two years is really evident. The guys look the part, they all are impactful players on special teams and so [Akina has] inherited a really good room of talented players, competitive players that are going to help us down the road.
Q: Texas went through a nearly two-decade drought for first-round offensive linemen. Now there’s a flurry of them coming out and seemingly emerging. How do you feel about the offensive line and skill around Arch?
Sarkisian: We feel good, obviously, on the offensive line. There’s a couple new faces, but again, we got exposure to a couple of those new faces early on. And so the experience of [senior guard] DJ Campbell and [senior interior lineman] Cole Hutson are big. The experience that [sophomore left tackle] Trevor Goosby got, Trevor was blocking real guys in the last month of the season, which was good for him. The emergence of some new faces is going to be good. These guys were all high-level recruits, and now it’s time, and that’s OK.
Q: There has to be some optimism at tailback, right?
Sarkisian: I think that the backfield will be better, in some degree. We got two guys coming off of injuries in CJ Baxter and Christian Clark, and we really think highly of both of them. We have a 1,000-yard rusher coming back, Tre Wisner, and we have a true freshman kid who’s going to be a sophomore in Jerrick Gibson, who played some really significant meaningful snaps in some big games. And so I feel really good about the running back room.
Q: They’ll be some familiar faces at receiver, too, right?
Sarkisian: I think having DeAndre Moore and Ryan Wingo back is going to be big. And then we got some guys that, it’s time to step up and it’s their moment. I would say the one room that we probably have our biggest question mark in is in the tight end room. So the offense is there.
Q: What’s the vibe on the defensive side?
Sarkisian: I think more importantly is who we are on defense and the growth of who we have been as a defensive team from Year 1 through Year 4. Going into Year 5, we have real playmakers on the defensive side of the ball, whether it’s Anthony Hill, Colin Simmons, Trey Moore, and we touched on Michael Taaffe, we touched on Derek Williams and Liona Lefau and Ethan Burke. We have some real players on the defensive side of the ball, to where I don’t think Arch is ever going to have to go into a game thinking we have to outscore ’em. We need to play good football, and as a team we can win a lot of games. It’s not going to feel like the weight of the world where if we don’t score 40, we’re in trouble. We’re going to be in plenty of high-level games where 24, 28 points is going to be good enough to win. Now do we want to score 35, 42, 49? Of course. But I don’t think we’re always going to have to. It’s managing some of those games the right way to make sure that our defense can play to their ability.
Q: Let me wrap with a macro question. How do you feel going into Year 5? At age 51, you’ve said you were ready for this job as a head coach, having endured some adversity in your career. Can you reflect on the collision of the consistency you’ve had the last few seasons with your preparedness and maybe where you see it’s going at this moment?
Sarkisian: You never know why you’re really here. Why are you hired? There’s been great coaches before. All guys who have been really successful at other places. Why weren’t they as successful here? And then: Why are you here now? And I jokingly say, this administration thinks they hired you for a reason, and what the issues were, but in reality, a lot of times they don’t know because they’re not looking behind the curtain. They don’t know. And as we’ve gone through this journey going into Year 5, we’ve really tried to look forward and be forward thinking rather than look backwards and say what’s wrong? What was wrong? What’s going to be right?
And along the way, there’s been all these changes in college football that have happened, right? Literally, we got hired in the middle of COVID. So we were dealing with COVID. We were dealing with the new facility getting built. We didn’t have a team room, we didn’t have a locker room, I didn’t have an office. Then here comes, they say the transfer portal, but nobody really knew what that was and so we didn’t really know how to tap into it. Then here comes conference realignment, and we’re in the midst of moving from the Big 12 to the SEC. Then here comes College Football Playoff expansion, and we’re going from four teams to 12. Then here comes NIL, and what does NIL look like? And here comes collectives and how do you manage collectives and what that looks like. And now here comes revenue share. And now here comes a potential different expansion to the College Football Playoff.
We’re forever evolving. And so the one thing that we’ve tried to do, like I said, is be forward thinking. And not playing catch up, but in essence, think about where are we headed and how do we continually adapt and do what’s best for our players and do what’s best for our team and try to minimize the noise outside the building and focus on what we’re doing here with the players we recruit, with the staff that we hire, with the expansion of the recruiting department and the scouting department with the evolution of understanding how do you manage NIL money to now? How do you manage a cap space and what does that look like, and be ahead of it all, which I think that’s something we’ve done a pretty good job of. We were one of the very first, when NIL got presented, we were one of the very first of utilizing that. … And then how do we still recruit the high schools and believe in high school recruiting to build our culture and to start that process.
Q: That makes sense here, right?
Sarkisian: And I look back at my time with Pete Carroll [at USC] and how important that was in that seven-, eight-year run of the development of players and the old players teaching the younger players. And then I looked at what Nick [Saban] did and how that [Alabama] roster turned itself over, but yet how did he hire really good coaches year after year? Because the cycle of success is you’re going to lose people.
And so we try to tap into history to look to the future. And so far, so good. And we haven’t been perfect, and I don’t pretend us to be perfect, but I do think we’ve done things, a lot of things really well that have allowed us to stay at the forefront of college football. And again, when I got here, I didn’t want to be a one-hit wonder. I didn’t want to live in the portal — one year we’re good and the next year we’re not. We wanted to build something that could sustain and that in my opinion is high school recruiting. We surely have tapped into the free agent market through the transfer portal to fill needs. And I think we’ve had a really good balance there. And ultimately, sure, I want to win a national championship. There’s no question about it. But the fact that we went from 5-7 to 8-5 to … in the semifinals two years in a row, I think lends itself to the consistency of our program and the foundation of our program. Now granted, we want to get into that [title] game, and we want to win that game, but I think we’ve built something here that’s going to be long lasting, that’s going to be sustainable.
And I’ve been telling everybody, my goal is to retire here and I’m 51 today, and I hope I can coach a long, long time. But the only way to do that is to have continued success because here the standard is a standard. You either compete and win championships or you don’t. There’s not a lot of gray area. And so to do that, you got to have the right amount of energy, you got to have the right people around you and allow them to do their jobs. You got to recruit the right people so that you don’t take those massive drops. You might have a blip on the radar, but yet we sustain it in a way that we’re proud of. And I think we’re doing that. But like I said, there’s always more work to do.
BALTIMORE — Orioles right-hander Grayson Rodriguez will have an MRI of his sore throwing shoulder after a bullpen session Thursday was canceled.
Rodriguez has not pitched in a regular-season game since July 31 and has been rehabbing from a right elbow inflammation issue, though he made spring training appearances on Feb. 27 and March 5.
“He woke up a few days ago with a little bit of soreness in the shoulder area,” Orioles manager Brandon Hyde said. “I’m not really sure at this point. We’re hoping for the best. But we felt like it was necessary to get imaging done.”
A 25-year-old right-hander who was the No. 11 pick in the 2018 amateur draft, Rodriguez is 20-8 with a 4.11 ERA in 43 starts over two big league seasons.
Coming off consecutive postseason appearances, Baltimore has had numerous injuries to starting pitchers: Kyle Braddish (Tommy John surgery) and Tyler Wells (UCL repair surgery) also started the season on the injured list. Albert Suárez (right shoulder) has not pitched for the Orioles since March 28 and Zach Eflin (right lat) since April 7.
Texas Rangers left-hander Patrick Corbin earned his first win of the season Wednesday night, but it was a start he nearly wasn’t able to make.
Corbin and the Rangers believe the culprit was “venom” from an apparent bite on his foot two days before his start that made it difficult to walk.
“They said something bit me, but I still don’t know what it was,” Corbin told reporters Thursday. “I’ve never had anything like that. It was super weird.”
Hours before Corbin allowed one run in 5⅓ innings in a 3-1 win over the Los Angeles Angels, Rangers manager Bruce Bochy said it was “50/50” whether he would pitch because of the condition of his ankle.
Corbin said swelling had developed around a visible bite mark on his foot by Wednesday morning, but that it was “tolerable” after he had his ankle wrapped.
“It was really bad in the morning,” Corbin said. “Just a really swollen foot. … I wasn’t sure if I was going to throw that morning. My wife was really concerned. I came in early [Wednesday] to get some treatment going and [went] from there.”
Corbin said he still felt soreness in the ankle Thursday but was confident he wouldn’t need to miss time.
“I was fortunate to get through yesterday,” Corbin said. “I have some time to recover and be good to go.”
Corbin, a two-time All-Star entering his 13th season, joined the Rangers on a one-year deal in March. He is 1-0 with a 3.86 ERA in two starts.