“I know where I’d go.” “Where?” “I’d go to Akron. I’d go there with a pretty woman. A strange woman. A quiet woman. I wouldn’t even want to know her name. Where I would be just ‘Mr. Smith’ and I would send out for cold beer. Then I would tell her things. Things that I’ve never told to anyone. Things that are locked deep in here. And as I talk to her, I would want her to hold out a soft hand and say, ‘Poor thing. Poor, poor thing.'” “How long would you want this to go on, doctor?” “Two weeks.” “Two weeks? Wouldn’t that get a little monotonous? Just Akron, cold beer and ‘poor thing’ for two weeks?” “No, it would be wonderful.”
— Cecil Kellaway and Jimmy Stewart as Dr. Chumley and Elwood P. Dowd in “Harvey”
Here at Bottom 10 Headquarters, located in the room of file cabinets where Deion Sanders stores all the Power 5 job offers that he wants us to know about but doesn’t plan to take, we have been thrown off of our collective axis. Our schedule is uglier and more broken down than a Pontiac Aztek. Our calendar has been erased more times than someone trying to use an Etch A Sketch in a centrifuge. What we’re saying is that our normal end-of-regular-season routine has been ruined. Instead of the usual meeting of our Bottom 10 Selection Committee at the DFW Hacienda Courts, our annual assemblage of college football minds such as Jerry Glanville, Charlie Weis and Ed “Straight Arrow” Gennero, we told them all to stay home.
Why? The season isn’t over yet. No, none of our teams suddenly received an invite to a conference championship game. The problem is that a mountain of snow two weekends ago kept one of our contenders from playing its final game and now we have to wait to see what happens.
Dammit, Akron.
So, instead of holding our normal fake CFP committee vote, we have gone full old school and are instead employing a fake old-school BCS approach. Yes, we are doing math. But as opposed to relying on the sorcerously accurate ESPN FPI — the Football Power Index — we have conjured up the Bottom 10 FPI — the Faux Pas Index.
It’s simple really. And by simple, we mean totally convoluted. Teams receive one point for each win, minus one point for each loss, minus one point for each loss of their longest losing streak of the year, plus a minus-10 bonus if that streak is currently active. We also subtract the number of points they have surrendered from the number of points they have scored, subtract or add points based on turnover margin and throw in a 50-point reduction if they have fired their head coach this season, aka the Randy Edsall Fired Coach Bonus. Divide that by the number of games played — let’s call that the Akron Principle — and there’s your Bottom 10 FPI score.
So get off your ath, let’s do some math. Math, math, math, math, math.
With apologies to Dewey Finn, Euclid, former Michigan State Spartan Addie Gaddis and Steve Harvey, here’s the final (sort of) 2022 Bottom 10 rankings.
1. Colora-duh (1-11)
Wins: +1 Losses: -11 Longest losing streak: -6 (current -10) 185 points for, 534 points against: -349 Turnover margin: -12 (tied with Akron for fourth worst in FBS) Randy Edsall Fired Coach Bonus: -50 Total: -437 Games played: 12 Final Bottom 10 Faux Pas Index: -36.42
While the Buffs wait to be rebuffed by Deion, they can at least spend that time celebrating a championship. We knew that 2022 had been a total mess, but once we pushed it through the numerical cheese grater of the Bottom 10 FPI formula, Colorado became the college football equivalent of Jared Leto’s “Morbius.” We were already plenty sure it was going to be bad. We just never could have imagined it would be that awful.
play
1:36
Keyshawn Johnson breaks down why Deion Sanders would be a good fit as the head coach at Colorado.
2. UMess (1-11)
Wins: +1 Losses: -11 Longest losing streak: -9 (current -10) 150 points for, 373 points against: -223 Turnover margin: -3 Randy Edsall Fired Coach Bonus: N/A Score: -255 Games played: 12 Final Bottom 10 FPI: -21.25
The Minutemen finished the year by losing back-to-back Pillow Fights of the Week against Arkansaw State and Texas A&M, and then suffering the worst late November loss to Army since Allied forces crossed the Siegfried Line.
3. US(notC)F (1-11)
Wins: +1 Losses: -11 Longest losing streak: -10 (current -10) 336 points for, 494 points against: -158 Turnover margin: -4 Randy Edsall Fired Coach Bonus: -50 Total: -242 Games played: 12 Final Bottom 10 FPI: -20.17
The Bulls ended the season riding college football’s second-longest active losing streak, a run that included L’s suffered at the hands of a TU and UT, fellow Bottom 10 resident Temple and reigning Myrtle Beach Bowl champs Tulsa, which just fired its head coach.
4. North by Northworstern (1-11)
Wins: +1 Losses: -11 Longest losing streak: -11 (current -10) 165 points for, 340 points against: -175 Turnover margin: -19 (worst in FBS) Randy Edsall Fired Coach Bonus: N/A Total: -225 Games played: 12 Final Bottom 10 FPI: -18.75
In case you were wondering who in the world could have lost more consecutive times than USF’s 10 in a row, allow us to show you around lovely Evanston, Illinois.
5. Give me Liberty or give me death …
at the hands of the Other Aggies! The Flames land in the Coveted Fifth Spot after flaming out at the end of an otherwise heavenly 8-4 season with a stunning 49-14 loss to natural geographic rival New Mexico State, a game that the other FPI said that Liberty had a 95.7% chance of winning. I imagine it was hard for Hugh Freeze to keep both eyes on the playbook while he was also on the sideline scrolling through WarDamnEagleHousesForSale.com.
6. Huh-why-yuh (3-10)
Wins: +3 Losses: -10 Longest losing streak: -4 257 points for, 451 points against: -194 Turnover margin: -8 Randy Edsall Fired Coach Bonus: N/A Total: -213 Games played: 13 Final Bottom 10 FPI: -16.38
Akron may have played too few games, but the Warriors have played too many as they have the only Bottom 10 FPI that was divisible by an unlucky 13. In fairness, Timmy Chang’s team improved dramatically as a season that started with it ranked first/worst early and often continued to plow ahead. In fact, Mauna Loa was so irritated over the season ending that it erupted for the first time in nearly 40 years.
7. Charlotte 3-and-9ers (3-9)
Wins: +3 Losses: -9 Longest losing streak: -4 294 points for, 473 points against: -180 Turnover margin: -8 Randy Edsall Fired Coach Bonus: -50 Total: -248 Games played: 12 Final Bottom 10 FPI: -20.67
Speaking of eruptions, I am already bracing myself for my next visit to my local supermarket here in my home of Charlotte, where the kid who rings me up always has me on blast whenever I have his Niners in these rankings. I already know what he’s going to say first. “But we ended the season with a win over Louisiana Tech and they are also 3-9, so why aren’t they in the Bottom 10 instead of us?!” I will inform him that when we ran the 3-and-9ers vs. Lose-ee-anna Tech in the computer, it wasn’t even close. Charlotte, thanks to a much larger points for/against margin, turnover margin and fired coach bonus, nearly doubled Louisiana Tech’s FPI of minus-10.67. I also already know what he’ll say next. “Dude, what is with your groceries? You eat like an 8-year-old.”
8. Akronmonious (2-9)
Wins: +2 Losses: -9 Longest losing streak: -9 239 points for, 379 points against: -140 Turnover margin: -11 Randy Edsall Fired Coach Bonus: N/A Total: -167 Games played: 11 Final Bottom 10 FPI: -15.18
In case you were wondering, yes, the Zips just won their second game of the year and did so against another fellow #MACtion Bottom 10 contender in Northern Ill-ugh-noise. But as you know from watching the CFP rankings announcement shows each week, this is all about “body of work” and Akron’s anatomy is Thor in “Avengers: Endgame.” NIU’s Bottom 10 FPI is minus-6.08, barely more than a third of the Zips, who are 15.18 below zip. Speaking of in case you were wondering and speaking of numbers that start with 15, Akron has a 15.4% chance of winning its do-over at Buffalo on Friday night. But that’s according to the ESPN FPI, and now that we have seen how easy it is to come up with an FPI formula, we’re not sure we trust it anymore.
9. Whew Mexico No-bos (2-10)
Wins: +2 Losses: -10 Longest losing streak: -9 (current -10) 157 points for, 312 points against: -155 Turnover margin: +4 Randy Edsall Fired Coach Bonus: N/A Total: -178 Games played: 12 Final Bottom 10 FPI: -14.83
The No-bos ended the year by providing former top/bottom team Colora-duh State with the win they needed to boost themselves over the wall and out of the Bottom 10 prison yard. So why aren’t they ranked higher/lower than they are? Look at that turnover margin. Whew Mexico ranks 38th in all of FBS, tied with the likes of Cincinnati and Washington State. Come on, guys, are you trying to win this thing, or aren’t you?
10. No-vada (2-10)
Wins: +2 Losses: -10 Longest losing streak: -10 (current -10) 226 points for, 371 points against: -145 Turnover margin: +2 Randy Edsall Fired Coach Bonus: N/A Total: -171 Games played: 12 Final Bottom 10 FPI: -14.25
The race to secure this final spot was tighter than a pair of Underoos washed in too-hot water, but the Oof Pack edged out the rest of the, er, pack via the nation’s other second-longest losing streak. The difference between Whew Mexico and its Mountain West mates in Reno is thinner than the gravy on the $3 meatloaf in downtown Reno. They shared seven common opponents and while New Mexico lost to all seven, Nevada did beat Liberty destroyers Whew Mexico State back in Week 1. The Pack ended the season with a loss to unLv, who reacted by … immediately firing its coach?
Waiting list: Temple of Doom, Arkansaw State, Colora-duh State, Lose-ee-anna Tech, Old Duh-minions, Northern Ill-ugh-noise, Stampford, Virginia Tech No-kies, In A Rut-gers, #goBCc, Arizona Skate, the end of the regular season … boo.
TALLADEGA, Ala. — Austin Cindric celebrated his first win of the season by wearing Talladega’s Superspeedway traditional victory wreath all around the track.
A wreath like he just won the Indianapolis 500.
He thought so, too.
“Feels like I just won the Indy 500,” he said of Sunday’s NASCAR race. “I’m trying to walk on the plane with this.”
Cindric wasn’t even concerned how such a gesture might be received by Team Penske teammate Joey Logano, who raged on his radio after the second stage when Cindric didn’t push him and it allowed Bubba Wallace in a Toyota to win the segment and its valuable bonus points.
“Way to go Austin,” seethed Logano, who used multiple expletives in his anger over his Penske radio. “You just gave it to him. Gave a Toyota a stage win. Nice job. Way to go … put that in the book.”
Cindric was unconcerned by the idea Logano might take issue with the wreath on the Penske plane.
“I think that would be very immature,” Cindric said. “I don’t see him doing that. We’ll see.”
It was a celebratory day for Cindric, who gave Team Penske its first NASCAR victory of the season by holding off a huge pack of challengers over the closing lap in a rare drama-free day at Talladega Superspeedway.
“Rock on, guys,” Cindric said over his radio. “Rock and roll. Let’s go!”
Ford drivers went 1-2, with Ryan Preece finishing second. But Preece and Logano were disqualified following postrace inspections because of spoiler infractions. Logano had crossed the finish line in fifth.
After the DQ’s, Kyle Larson moved up to second and William Byron third for Hendrick Motorsports. The two Chevrolet drivers pushed Cindric and Preece from the second row rather than pull out of line on the final lap and make a third lane in an attempt to win.
It was Larson’s best career finish at Talladega, where drafting and pack racing is required and neither suits his style. He said he wanted to make a move to try to take the win from Cindric but there was never any room.
“I wanted to take it but I felt like the gap was too big,” Larson said. “I was just stuck inside and just doing everything I could to advance our lane and maybe open it up to where I then could get to the outside. But we were all just pushing so equally that it kept the lanes jammed up.”
Noah Gragson ended up fourth in a Ford, while Hendrick driver Chase Elliott was fifth – two spots ahead of teammate Alex Bowman, with Carson Hocevar of Spire Motorsports sandwiched in between them. Wallace was the highest-finishing Toyota driver in eighth.
Cindric led five times but for only seven of the 188 laps in an unusually calm race for chaotic Talladega. The track last fall recorded the largest crash in the NASCAR history when 28 cars were collected in a demolition derby with four laps remaining.
On Sunday, there were only four cautions — two for stage breaks — totaling 22 laps. It was the fourth consecutive Talladega race with only four cautions, the two for stage breaks and the two for natural cautions.
But, Sunday featured season-highs in lead changes (67) among different drivers (23). Only five cars failed to finish from the 40-car field, and a whopping 30 drivers finished on the lead lap.
Cindric marked the 10th consecutive different winner at Talladega, extending the track record of no repeat winners. And, by the time it was over, Logano seemed to have calmed down.
“About time one of us wins these things,” Logano said of the Penske trio. “When you think about the amount of laps led by Team Penske and Ford in general, just haven’t been able to close. To see a couple of Fords on the front row duking it out, I wish one of them was me, in a selfish way. But it’s good to see those guys running up there and being able to click one off.”
Larson sets NASCAR record for stage wins
When he won the first stage at Talladega, it was the 67th of Larson’s career and made him NASCAR’s all-time stage winner. He broke a tie with Martin Truex Jr. with the stage win.
Stages were introduced in 2017 as a way to ensure natural breaks during races that allowed fans to rush to the bathroom or concession stand without missing any action. Cars typically make a pit stop during a stage break.
Teammate-on-teammate collision
Joe Gibbs Racing drivers Christopher Bell and Denny Hamlin, who combined to win five of the first nine races this season, had a collision on a restart that ensured Bell would not win his fourth race of the season.
It happened in the first stage of the race with Bell on the front row next to Chris Buescher on his inside, and with Hamlin behind him. As the cars revved to get up to speed at the green flag, Hamlin ran into the back of Bell, which caused him to turn into Buescher and create the second caution of the race.
Bell went to the garage, where he joined Ryan Blaney, Buescher and Brad Keselowski, all betting favorites who were done for the day before the end of the first stage.
“What in the hell? Man, apologies if that’s on me,” Hamlin radioed. “We weren’t even up to speed yet. I don’t know why that would have wrecked him. When he shot down to the bottom, I wasn’t even sure I was actually on him.”
Up Next
NASCAR races next week at Texas Motor Speedway, where Elliott scored his only win of the 2024 season last April.
However, Duran said Sunday that a fan in the front row near the Red Sox dugout in Cleveland said “something inappropriate” to him after the All-Star left fielder flied out in the seventh inning of a 13-3 victory over the Guardians.
Duran stayed on the top step of the dugout and glared at the fan as the inning played out. During the seventh-inning stretch, before the singing of “God Bless America,” Red Sox teammates and coaches kept Duran away from the area as umpires and Progressive Field security personnel gathered to handle the situation.
The fan tried to run up the aisle but was caught by security and taken out of the stadium.
“The fan just said something inappropriate. I’m just happy that the security handled it and the umpires were aware of it and they took care of it for me,” Duran said.
After the game, the Guardians released a statement apologizing to the Red Sox and Duran. The team said it had identified the fan and was working with Major League Baseball on next steps.
Duran said it was the first time he was taunted by a fan about his suicide attempt and mental health struggles since the Netflix series “The Clubhouse: A Year With the Red Sox” was released April 8.
“When you open yourself up like that, you also open yourself up to the enemies. But I have a good support staff around me, teammates, coaches. There were fans that were supporting me, so that was awesome,” he said.
Boston manager Alex Cora was in the opposite corner of the Red Sox dugout but lauded security for how the incident was handled.
Cora was even prouder of Duran’s restraint. Duran was suspended for two games last season when he directed an anti-gay slur at a heckling fan at Fenway Park when the fan shouted that Duran needed a tennis racket to hit.
“There’s a two-way street. That’s something I said last year. We made a mistake last year, and we learned from it. We grew up, you know, as an individual and as a group,” Cora said.
Sunday’s incident dampened what had been a solid game and series for Duran. He went 4-for-6 with an RBI and had at least three hits in consecutive games for the second time in his career.
In Saturday’s doubleheader nightcap, Duran had Boston’s first straight steal of home plate in 16 years.
Duran went 7-for-15 with three RBIs as Boston took two of three games in the weekend series. Six of his hits in the series came against lefties after Duran was just 3-for-31 against southpaws coming into the weekend.
“I’ve been getting some good swings on lefties lately, just hitting it right at guys. I’m trying to stay with my process, and it just happened to work good for me this series. So, I’m just going to keep at it,” said Duran, who has hit safely in 13 of his past 14 games and is batting .323 (20-for-62) with eight extra-base hits, including a home run, and six RBIs during that span.
Tkachuk’s hit, in the third period of his team’s 5-1 loss, received a five-minute major. According to sources, the NHL Department of Player Safety determined that was enough, considering Guentzel had recently touched the puck and Tkachuk didn’t make contact with Guentzel’s head.
The department also believed that the force in which Tkachuk hit Guentzel was far lesser than the hit Tampa’s Brandon Hagel made on Florida captain Aleksander Barkov in Game 2, which earned Hagel a one game suspension.
The plays led both coaches to trade jabs in the media. After Barkov went down in Game 2, Florida Panthers coach Paul Maurice said: “The only players we hit are the one with pucks.”
Barkov missed the end of the third period, but played in Game 3. Game 4 is Monday at Amerant Bank Arena.
At his postgame press conference, following Tkachuk’s hit on Guentzel, Tampa Bay coach Jon Cooper deadpanned the exact same line as Maurice.
Tkachuk leads the series in scoring with three goals and an assist through three games. Guentzel has two goals and two assists for Tampa Bay.
The Battle of Florida is living up to the billing as one of the most contentious rivalries in hockey; either Tampa or Florida has made it to the Stanley Cup Final in each of the last five seasons.