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President and Venal Houseplant Joe Biden traveled to the Middle East this week to meet with Arab leaders, who refused to see him, and so instead he sat in his hotel room throwing playing cards into a hat. While the president was away, the United States government was run by a shadowy cabal of far-Left authoritarians who pretended Joe Biden was running things, so no change there.

Houseplant Biden did meet with soon-to-be-former Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu to personally relay his message that Israel should utterly destroy Hamas, just dont hurt anybody. To honor their United States allies, Israeli dignitaries performed the ancient Jewish ritual of nodding politely while the powerful goyim are speaking before sidling quietly out of the room to go kill their enemies.

Terrorist leaders, meanwhile, have declared today a Day of Unprecedented Anger to be followed by A Day of Unbridled Nastiness, then a Day of Unbelievable Aggravation and Irritability after which theyll return to normal, simply slaughtering innocent people as the opportunity presents itself.

Here, in the United States, Shadow President Barack Obama reacted to the greatest atrocity committed against the Jews since Auschwitz by forcefully sort of objecting to it two and half days later. To those who believed his response was a detestable signal to White House staffers not to stand too close to the rug that would soon be pulled out from under the feet of the Israelis, an Obama spokesman assured the media that the shadow president is working for peace behind the scenes by helping to supply Iran with nuclear weapons so they can join the community of nations, strapped with nuclear weapons.

FBI Director Christopher Baby Face Wray announced that the homeland terrorist threat level has risen from Red to Holy Crap, weve let a flood of illegal immigrants into the country and have no idea who they are or where theyre hiding. Wray said the Bureau would now focus their attention on trying not to giggle when they uselessly warn Americans to duck and cover during the next inevitable jihadi attack. Wray says this might mean withdrawing some agents from their important work of intimidating parents who are trying to protect their children from the Teachers Union and other sexual deviants. The Teachers Union said they would help out by distributing a coloring book entitled Stranger Danger, which will tell children that if their parents drive up and offer them a lift, they should run to the nearest teacher, jump into his windowless white van and disappear forever.

On campuses around the country, leftist groups are scrambling to rebrand themselves now that they realize they actually SUPPORT fascism and genocidal murder. At Harvard, for instance, the students Palestine Solidarity Group has unveiled their new protest chant, Donald Trump is literally Hitler so lets kill the Jews. The UC Berkeley Group Feminists for Hamas has their new manifesto which begins, We know that feminists supporting violently patriarchal Islamists makes absolutely no sense, but were just ditzy girls and can get away with this stuff because were cute and we smell good.And of course LGBTQ-plus Palestine supporters have developed their new slogan: Queers for Palestine, Moving Upward From Brainless to Headless. At Dartmouth, the administration reacted to student support for anti-Semitic mass murder by releasing a statement saying, Frankly, we wish wed known we were Nazis sooner, because its so much easier to spell than decolonization.

As the fighting in Gaza continues, American military experts are using Artificial Intelligence to map out the future of various scenarios. For instance, one prediction from Military AI reads: I looked, and behold, there was a great earthquake, and the sun became black as sackcloth, the full moon became like blood, and the sky vanished like a scroll that is being rolled up, and everyone hid themselves, calling to the mountains and rocks, Fall on us and hide us from the Lamb for the great day of his wrath has come.

The AI also predicted that Charity Lawson will overcome the heartache of her breakup with Zach Shallcross and find lasting love on this season of Bachelorette.

Andrew Klavan is the host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire. He is an award-winning novelist, Hollywood screenwriter, and popular satirist. Klavan isthe author of When Christmas Comes and When Christmas Comes the first two novels in the USA Today best-selling Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, The House of Love and Death, releases on October 31, 2023, and is now available forPre-order.

Follow Klavan on Twitter:@andrewklavan

This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of The Andrew Klavan Show.

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

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Stanley Cup playoffs daily: Who wins Game 6 of Stars-Jets?

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Stanley Cup playoffs daily: Who wins Game 6 of Stars-Jets?

The Dallas Stars were in position to win their series against the Winnipeg Jets in Game 5 on Thursday; instead, the Jets blanked them 4-0, extending their postseason by at least one more game.

That game is Saturday in Dallas (8 p.m. ET, ABC/ESPN+). Will the Stars punch their ticket to the Western Conference finals — and a rematch against the Edmonton Oilers? Or will the Jets force a Game 7 back on home ice Monday?

Read on for a game preview with statistical insights from ESPN Research, a recap of what went down in Friday’s game and the three stars of Friday from Arda Öcal.

Matchup notes

Dallas Stars at Winnipeg Jets
Game 6 | 8 p.m. ET | ABC/ESPN+

With a 3-2 lead in the series, the Stars are -380 to win, per ESPN BET; the Jets are +290 to take the series. Dallas is +325 to win the Stanley Cup, while Winnipeg is +2200.

Including the series that have been completed this year, teams that have led 3-1 in a playoff series are 23-1 since 2023 (the only loser was the Bruins against the Panthers in the 2023 first round).

Can Connor Hellebuyck buck his nightmarish road/home split this postseason? He has gone 6-1 at home in the playoffs, with a 1.73 goals-against average and .916 save percentage; he’s 0-5 on the road, with a 5.84 GAA and .793 SV%.

Kyle Connor has been a reliable source of scoring for Winnipeg, with 16 points in 12 games. His 1.33 points-per-game rate is the third highest in a single postseason by an American-born player (minimum 10 games played), behind Jake Guentzel in 2018 (1.75) and Brian Leetch in 1995 (1.40).

Mikko Rantanen leads the goal- and point-scoring races this postseason, with nine goals and 19 points. His newly formed line with Mikael Granlund and Roope Hintz has outscored opponents 7-2 in 108:34 of ice time together.

Stars goalie Jake Oettinger has gone 17-6 with a 2.03 GAA and .924 SV% (with one shutout) in 23 career postseason games following a loss.


Öcal’s three stars from Friday

No. 34 scored the first goal of the game in the third period, which counts as the game winner. It was his first goal against the Panthers — and first against any team beyond the first round — in his postseason career.

2. Maple Leafs shot blockers

The Leafs blocked 31 shots in this game, including some key moments late in the third period, preserving a shutout for Joseph Woll and forcing a Game 7. This was Woll’s first career postseason shutout, and he got lots of help from his friends.

Pacioretty was responsible for the insurance goal in the third period, his third of the postseason as the veteran continues his quest for his first Stanley Cup.


Friday’s recap

Toronto Maple Leafs 2, Florida Panthers 0
Series tied 3-3 | Game 7 Sunday

With a trip to the Eastern Conference finals at stake for the Panthers — and a continuation of the playoff run on the line for the Leafs — the two teams remained scoreless through two periods, with memorable saves by both goaltenders. At 6:20 of the third period, Toronto captain Auston Matthews scored his first goal of the series, and that would prove to be all the team needed for the W; Max Pacioretty‘s goal at 14:17 added some reassurance. After a Game 5 he’d like to forget, Joseph Woll stopped all 22 shots he faced. The two teams head back to Toronto for Game 7 Sunday. Full recap.

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Max Pacioretty backhands a clutch goal for Leafs

Max Pacioretty scores Toronto’s second goal of the third period to give them a 2-0 lead in a must-win Game 6 vs. Florida.

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U.S. beats Germany 6-3 at ice hockey worlds

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U.S. beats Germany 6-3 at ice hockey worlds

HERNING, Denmark — The United States blew a three-goal first-period lead before beating Germany 6-3 at the ice hockey world championship on Saturday.

Conor Garland‘s power-play goal 4:50 into the third period proved to be the winner as the Americans moved level on points (11) with the Czech Republic, trailing Group B leader Switzerland by two points.

Tage Thompson struck 1:42 into the game on a power play for his fourth goal of the tournament. Frank Nazar doubled the advantage before Drew O’Connor made it 3-0 on a rebound with 5:43 left in the first.

But the U.S. is making a habit of squandering leads. The Americans lost a four-goal advantage before prevailing 6-5 over Norway in overtime Wednesday.

Germany scored three times in the second. Defenseman Erik Mic’s goal 8:43 into the period sparked the rally. Jonas Muller scored from the slot with 5:17 remaining and Wojciech Stachowiak tied it at 3-3 less than a minute later on a power play.

After Garland’s go-ahead goal, Logan Cooley made it 5-3 with 3:29 to go and Clayton Keller scored into an empty net with 1:53 left. Garland had three assists.

Germany has nine points.

In Stockholm, Finland defeated Latvia 2-1 to stay third in Group A with 11 points. Latvia has six points in fifth.

Later Saturday, Canada plays Slovakia and Sweden meets France in Stockholm, while the Czech Republic faces Kazakhstan in Herning, where Denmark takes on Norway.

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James Comey: Trump says ex-FBI director’s seashells post ‘meant assassination’

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James Comey: Trump says ex-FBI director's seashells post 'meant assassination'

A former FBI director has been interviewed by the US Secret Service over a social media post that Republicans say was a call for violence against President Donald Trump.

James Comey, who led the FBI from 2013 until he was fired in 2017 by Mr Trump during his first term in office, shared a photo of seashells appearing to form the numbers “86 47”.

James Comey, then the FBI Director, in July  2016. File pic: AP/J. Scott Applewhite
Image:
James Comey later removed the Instagram post. File pic: AP

He captioned the Instagram post: “Cool shell formation on my beach walk.”

Some have interpreted the post as a threat, alleging that 86 47 means to violently remove Mr Trump from office, including by assassination.

What does ’86 47′ mean?

The number 86 can be used as a verb in the US. It commonly means “to throw somebody out of a bar for being drunk or disorderly”.

One recent meaning of the term is “to kill”, according to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, which said it had not adopted this meaning of 86 “due to its relative recency and sparseness of use”.

The number has previously been used in a political context by Matt Gaetz, who was President Donald Trump’s pick for attorney general but withdrew from consideration following a series of sexual misconduct allegations.

Mr Gaetz wrote: “We’ve now 86’d…” and listed political opponents he had sparred with who ended up stepping down.

Meanwhile, 47 is supposedly representing Mr Trump, who is the 47th US president.

Mr Comey later removed the post, saying he thought the numbers “were a political message” and that he was not aware that the numeric arrangement could be associated with violence.

“I didn’t realise some folks associate those numbers with violence. It never occurred to me, but I oppose violence of any kind, so I took the post down,” Mr Comey said.

Mr Trump rejected the former FBI director’s explanation, telling Fox News: “He knew exactly what that meant. A child knows what that meant… that meant assassination.”

Donald Trump Jr accused Mr Comey of “casually calling for my dad to be murdered”.

US Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem confirmed in a post on X that Mr Comey had been interviewed as part of “an ongoing investigation” but gave no indication of whether he might face further action.

The Secret Service is part of the Department of Homeland Security.

White House deputy chief of staff Taylor Budowich said Mr Comey had put out “what can clearly be interpreted as a hit on the sitting president of the United States”.

“This is deeply concerning to all of us and is being taken seriously,” Mr Budowich wrote on X.

Another White House official James Blair said the post was a “Clarion Call (…) to terrorists & hostile regimes to kill the President of the United States as he travels in the Middle East”.

Read more US news:
Smokey Robinson under criminal investigation
Cassie challenged over Diddy ‘freak off’ allegations

Mr Trump fired Mr Comey in May 2017 for botching an investigation into 2016 democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton, the White House said at the time.

While Mr Comey was the director of the FBI, the agency opened an investigation into possible collusion between the Trump 2016 presidential campaign and Russia to help get Mr Trump elected.

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