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Inspirational thought of the week:

Now you start with the number eight and as you go along
Jump eight numbers and practice this song
Counting by eights (bee-doop, b-b-b-bee-doop)
Counting by eights
Whoa that is high, this sure is fun
Counting by eights

— “Counting by Eights,” Scratch Garden

Here at Bottom 10 Headquarters, located somewhere in the Seattle crowd still echoing Desmond Howard’s “Big Penix energy!” chants, we would like to be the first to officially welcome you to Week 8. The octagon, the octennial, octad, octet, octopus’s garden of the 2023 college football season. That magical time of year when a slew of teams will achieve bowl eligibility every weekend and, more importantly in our world, bowl ineligibility.

What we’re saying is that Week 8 is like the trees that surround us all this time of year. Some with leaves that are still green, while others have begun their transition into varying shades of autumnal hues, not unlike the uniform colors of your favorite college football teams.

But those trees … yeah, that ain’t our arbor. No, our timbers are the ones that can only be found either hidden in the back of the nursery or barely hanging on alongside some dicey exit off the New Jersey Turnpike. The tepid timbers that spurt out one leaf each spring that immediately turns black from carbon monoxide poisoning. With one shaky, featherless Cardinal, stuck up there on a twiggy limb with no way to get down, screaming, “It’s Week 8?! Really? Has Ball State won a second game yet?!”

With apologies to Steve Young, Troy Aikman, Davey O’Brien, David Carr and Steve Harvey, here’s the pre-Week 8 Bottom 10.


1. No-vada (0-6)

There are years when we enter Week 8 with significant debate about which teams should be atop the bottom of these standings. Like that time we had a Bottom 10 selection committee meeting and Charlie Weis got so angry during a discussion that he hurled a bag of garbage at Jerry Glanville and then realized it was actually a bag of cash he’d just received from Notre Dame and Kansas. But this year, it’s a two-horse race seeing as how there are only two winless teams remaining among the ranks of FBS football. The Woof Pack just lost to former Bottom 10 stalwart-turned-Mountain West contender UNLV. And who are the other oh-fers?

2. Sam Houston We Have A Problem (0-6)

The Bearkats, who kouldn’t kome out on top in a kontest with kohort Konference-USA newkomer kolleague New Mexiko State.

3. State of Kent (1-6)

Likewise, there has been much deliberation, disputation, argumentation and all sorts of other ‘ations about which member of the MAC Nation should be in this ranking location. Then the State of Kent made a state-ment on the very first play of its game with the EMU Emus.

4. Akronmonious (1-6)

In case you were wondering, and we most definitely were, Akron hosts Kent on Nov. 1, the night after Halloween. It’s the college football equivalent of having to settle for all the penny candy wrapped in wax paper and boxes of raisins left in the bottom of your trick-or-treat bag after you’ve eaten all the good stuff.

5. Trojan Man! (6-1)

After its spokesperson lost 48-20 at Notre Dame while throwing three interceptions, that national hamburger chain with all the commercials featuring USC‘s quarterback has a new special for this week only (they hope). After you order your food, they throw it at you from the drive-in window but miss your car by six feet and it gets run over by a passing truck.

6. UMess (1-7)

The good news? The Minuetmen received $1.6 million to travel to Unhappy Valley and act as Penn State’s warmup act before the Nittany Lions face Ohio State. The bad news? After losing 63-0, UMass will spend most of that money on Band-Aids and ibuprofen.

7. Charlotte 1-and-5’ers (1-5)

The Niners lost 14-0 to Navy, both touchdowns coming on plays of 60-plus yards in the second half. Now they take on another seafaring American Athletic Conference of American Athletics opponent in …

8. EC-Yew (1-5)

the Pirates, who seemingly haven’t had a scoring play of 60-plus yards since back in the days when Charlotte head coach Biff Poggi still wore clothing with sleeves.

9. Baller State (1-6)

This spot came down to either the Cardinals and Southern Missed. But the Golden Eagles had a game scheduled for Tuesday night against the South Alabama Redundancies, just as we were voting on this week’s standings and honestly, we were too lazy to wait for the result. Also, Brett Favre’s lawyers said if we put USM in here for another week, they would sue us and use any winnings on volleyball gear.

10. Rod Tidwell’s Alma Mater (1-6)

With all these Pac-12 teams winning big games and producing Heisman candidates and posting gigantic television ratings, it’s good to see Arizona State producing a weekly slate of unexpected and disappointingly close losses. Hey, someone had to uphold Pac-12 traditions, right?

Waiting List: U-Can’t, Yew-VA, You A Bee?, all Big Ten schools in Indiana, Michigan State Little Brothers, Whew Mexico, blowing a Prime 29-0 lead.

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Hard-throwing rookie Misiorowski going to ASG

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Hard-throwing rookie Misiorowski going to ASG

Hard-throwing rookie Jacob Misiorowski is a National League All-Star replacement, giving the Milwaukee Brewers right-hander a chance to break Paul Skenes‘ record for the fewest big league appearances before playing in the Midsummer Classic.

Misiorowski was named Friday night to replace Chicago Cubs lefty Matthew Boyd, who will be unavailable for the All-Star Game on Tuesday night in Atlanta because he is scheduled to start Saturday at the New York Yankees.

The 23-year-old Misiorowski has made just five starts for the Brewers, going 4-1 with a 2.81 ERA while averaging 99.3 mph on his fastball, with 89 pitches that have reached 100 mph.

If he pitches at Truist Park, Misiorowski will make it consecutive years for a player to set the mark for fewest big league games before an All-Star showing.

Skenes, the Pittsburgh Pirates right-hander getting ready for his second All-Star appearance, had made 11 starts in the majors when he was chosen as the NL starter for last year’s All-Star Game at Texas. He pitched a scoreless inning.

“I’m speechless,” said a teary-eyed Misiorowski, who said he was given the news a few minutes before the Brewers’ 8-3 victory over Washington. “It’s awesome. It’s very unexpected and it’s an honor.”

Misiorowski is the 30th first-time All-Star and 16th replacement this year. There are now 80 total All-Stars.

“He’s impressive. He’s got some of the best stuff in the game right now, even though he’s a young pitcher,” said Yankees slugger Aaron Judge, who is a starting AL outfielder for his seventh All-Star nod. “He’s going to be a special pitcher in this game for a long time so I think he deserved it and it’s going be pretty cool for him and his family.”

Carlos Rodón, Carlos Estévez and Casey Mize were named replacement pitchers on the AL roster.

The New York Yankees‘ Rodón, an All-Star for the third time in five seasons, will replace teammate Max Fried for Tuesday’s game in Atlanta. Fried will be unavailable because he is scheduled to start Saturday against the Chicago Cubs.

In his final start before the All-Star game, Rodón allowed four hits and struck out eight in eight innings in an 11-0 victory over the Cubs.

“This one’s a little special for me,” said Rodón, an All-Star in 2021 and ’22 who was 3-8 in his first season with the Yankees two years ago before rebounding. “I wasn’t good when I first got here, and I just wanted to prove that I wasn’t to going to give up and just put my best foot forward and try to win as many games as I can.”

The Kansas City Royals‘ Estévez replaces Texas’ Jacob deGrom, who is scheduled to start at Houston on Saturday night. Estévez was a 2023 All-Star when he was with the Los Angeles Angels.

Mize takes the spot held by Boston‘s Garrett Crochet, who is scheduled to start Saturday against Tampa Bay. Mize gives the Tigers six All-Stars, most of any team and tied for the franchise record.

Royals third baseman Maikel Garcia will replace Tampa Bay‘s Brandon Lowe, who went on the injured list with left oblique tightness. The additions of Estévez and Garcia give the Royals four All-Stars, matching their 2024 total.

The Seattle Mariners announced center fielder Julio Rodríguez will not participate, and he was replaced by teammate Randy Arozarena. Rodríguez had been voted onto the AL roster via the players’ ballot. The Mariners, who have five All-Stars, said Rodríguez will use the break to “recuperate, rest and prepare for the second half.”

Arozarena is an All-Star for the second time. He started in left field for the AL two years ago, when he was with Tampa Bay. Arozarena was the runner-up to Vladimir Guerrero Jr. in the 2023 Home Run Derby.

Rays right-hander Drew Rasmussen, a first-time All-Star, is replacing Angels left-hander Yusei Kikuchi, who is scheduled to start Saturday night at Arizona. Rasmussen is 7-5 with a 2.82 ERA in 18 starts.

San Diego added a third NL All-Star reliever in lefty Adrián Morejón, who replaces Philadelphia starter Zack Wheeler. The Phillies’ right-hander is scheduled to start at San Diego on Saturday night. Morejón entered the weekend with a 1.71 ERA in 45 appearances.

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Twins SS Correa helped off with sprained ankle

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Twins SS Correa helped off with sprained ankle

MINNEAPOLIS — Minnesota Twins shortstop Carlos Correa had to be helped off the field after injuring his right ankle when Pittsburgh‘s Tommy Pham slid into him at second base.

Pham was trying to get to second on his liner off the wall in right field in the seventh inning of the Twins’ 2-1 victory Friday night. Right fielder DaShawn Keirsey Jr.’s throw beat Pham, whose batting helmet made contact with Correa’s lower leg.

Correa rolled over and stayed on the ground before leaving the game. Brooks Lee moved from second base to shortstop to replace Correa. The team said Correa had a mild ankle sprain.

Correa said X-rays were negative and that he expects to sit out Saturday’s game, adding that he “hopefully” can play on Sunday, according to MLB.com.

The 30-year-old Correa is already in his 11th big league season and has been a mainstay at shortstop for the Twins since signing as a free agent in 2022. He missed about half of last season with a concussion and a plantar fascia injury, the latter of which kept him from playing in the All-Star Game after he was chosen for the third time.

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Acuña replaced in HR Derby by teammate Olson

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Acuña replaced in HR Derby by teammate Olson

ATLANTA — Ronald Acuña Jr. won’t participate in the Home Run Derby, replaced Friday by Atlanta teammate and fellow All-Star Matt Olson.

Acuña is a starting outfielder for the National League and still is expected to play in the All-Star Game on his home field. Olson is a reserve infielder.

Instead of Acuña, Olson will try to become the first Atlanta player to win the Home Run Derby on Monday night. He could become the fourth to win at home. The All-Star Game is Tuesday night.

Olson competed in the 2021 Derby while with the Athletics. He was eliminated in the first round. The 31-year-old entered the weekend with 17 homers this season.

The other scheduled participants are Brent Rooker, the first for the Athletics since Olson, along with Minnesota’s Byron Buxton, Tampa Bay’s Junior Caminero, Jazz Chisholm Jr. of the Yankees, Pittsburgh’s Oneil Cruz, Seattle’s Cal Raleigh and James Wood of Washington.

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