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Inspirational thought of the week:

Now you start with the number eight and as you go along
Jump eight numbers and practice this song
Counting by eights (bee-doop, b-b-b-bee-doop)
Counting by eights
Whoa that is high, this sure is fun
Counting by eights

— “Counting by Eights,” Scratch Garden

Here at Bottom 10 Headquarters, located somewhere in the Seattle crowd still echoing Desmond Howard’s “Big Penix energy!” chants, we would like to be the first to officially welcome you to Week 8. The octagon, the octennial, octad, octet, octopus’s garden of the 2023 college football season. That magical time of year when a slew of teams will achieve bowl eligibility every weekend and, more importantly in our world, bowl ineligibility.

What we’re saying is that Week 8 is like the trees that surround us all this time of year. Some with leaves that are still green, while others have begun their transition into varying shades of autumnal hues, not unlike the uniform colors of your favorite college football teams.

But those trees … yeah, that ain’t our arbor. No, our timbers are the ones that can only be found either hidden in the back of the nursery or barely hanging on alongside some dicey exit off the New Jersey Turnpike. The tepid timbers that spurt out one leaf each spring that immediately turns black from carbon monoxide poisoning. With one shaky, featherless Cardinal, stuck up there on a twiggy limb with no way to get down, screaming, “It’s Week 8?! Really? Has Ball State won a second game yet?!”

With apologies to Steve Young, Troy Aikman, Davey O’Brien, David Carr and Steve Harvey, here’s the pre-Week 8 Bottom 10.


1. No-vada (0-6)

There are years when we enter Week 8 with significant debate about which teams should be atop the bottom of these standings. Like that time we had a Bottom 10 selection committee meeting and Charlie Weis got so angry during a discussion that he hurled a bag of garbage at Jerry Glanville and then realized it was actually a bag of cash he’d just received from Notre Dame and Kansas. But this year, it’s a two-horse race seeing as how there are only two winless teams remaining among the ranks of FBS football. The Woof Pack just lost to former Bottom 10 stalwart-turned-Mountain West contender UNLV. And who are the other oh-fers?

2. Sam Houston We Have A Problem (0-6)

The Bearkats, who kouldn’t kome out on top in a kontest with kohort Konference-USA newkomer kolleague New Mexiko State.

3. State of Kent (1-6)

Likewise, there has been much deliberation, disputation, argumentation and all sorts of other ‘ations about which member of the MAC Nation should be in this ranking location. Then the State of Kent made a state-ment on the very first play of its game with the EMU Emus.

4. Akronmonious (1-6)

In case you were wondering, and we most definitely were, Akron hosts Kent on Nov. 1, the night after Halloween. It’s the college football equivalent of having to settle for all the penny candy wrapped in wax paper and boxes of raisins left in the bottom of your trick-or-treat bag after you’ve eaten all the good stuff.

5. Trojan Man! (6-1)

After its spokesperson lost 48-20 at Notre Dame while throwing three interceptions, that national hamburger chain with all the commercials featuring USC‘s quarterback has a new special for this week only (they hope). After you order your food, they throw it at you from the drive-in window but miss your car by six feet and it gets run over by a passing truck.

6. UMess (1-7)

The good news? The Minuetmen received $1.6 million to travel to Unhappy Valley and act as Penn State’s warmup act before the Nittany Lions face Ohio State. The bad news? After losing 63-0, UMass will spend most of that money on Band-Aids and ibuprofen.

7. Charlotte 1-and-5’ers (1-5)

The Niners lost 14-0 to Navy, both touchdowns coming on plays of 60-plus yards in the second half. Now they take on another seafaring American Athletic Conference of American Athletics opponent in …

8. EC-Yew (1-5)

the Pirates, who seemingly haven’t had a scoring play of 60-plus yards since back in the days when Charlotte head coach Biff Poggi still wore clothing with sleeves.

9. Baller State (1-6)

This spot came down to either the Cardinals and Southern Missed. But the Golden Eagles had a game scheduled for Tuesday night against the South Alabama Redundancies, just as we were voting on this week’s standings and honestly, we were too lazy to wait for the result. Also, Brett Favre’s lawyers said if we put USM in here for another week, they would sue us and use any winnings on volleyball gear.

10. Rod Tidwell’s Alma Mater (1-6)

With all these Pac-12 teams winning big games and producing Heisman candidates and posting gigantic television ratings, it’s good to see Arizona State producing a weekly slate of unexpected and disappointingly close losses. Hey, someone had to uphold Pac-12 traditions, right?

Waiting List: U-Can’t, Yew-VA, You A Bee?, all Big Ten schools in Indiana, Michigan State Little Brothers, Whew Mexico, blowing a Prime 29-0 lead.

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Mariners shut down Jays’ bats to steal Game 1

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Mariners shut down Jays' bats to steal Game 1

TORONTO — Bryce Miller overcame a shaky first inning and gave the tired Seattle Mariners the start they needed in the AL Championship Series opener.

Miller pitched six sharp innings, Jorge Polanco hit a go-ahead single in the sixth and the Mariners beat the Toronto Blue Jays 3-1 Sunday night as they returned to the ALCS for the first time in 24 years.

“The year, personally, didn’t go how I had planned and how I had hoped for but we’re in the ALCS and I got to go out there and set the tone,” Miller said. “I felt great.”

Seattle slugger Cal Raleigh added a tying solo home run, his second homer of the postseason after leading the major leagues with 60 in the regular season.

“That was a big lift,” Mariners manager Dan Wilson said of Raleigh’s drive in a two-run sixth.

George Springer homered on the first pitch from Miller, who then escaped a two-on jam in a 27-pitch first inning.

Anthony Santander singled in the second for Toronto’s only other hit, and Seattle pitchers retired 23 of the Blue Jays’ final 24 batters. Miller, Gabe Speier, Matt Brash and Andres Munoz combined to throw just 100 pitches less than 48 hours after the Mariners needed 209 pitches to outlast Detroit over 15 innings.

“The job Bryce Miller did tonight was phenomenal,” Mariners manager Dan Wilson said. “After that first inning, he went into a different gear. You saw him getting ahead, using all his stuff.”

Miller, the winner, struck out three and walked three in six innings, throwing 76 pitches. The three relievers each had eight-pitch, 1-2-3 innings, with Muñoz getting the save.

Raleigh tied the score in the sixth with his ninth homer in 14 games at Rogers Centre. Kevin Gausman had held batters to 0 for 16 on splitters in the postseason before Raleigh’s homer.

“I was trying to get bat on ball, really just trying to put something in play,” Raleigh said, wearing a T-shirt with the words: “JOB’S NOT FINISHED.” “I didn’t want to punch out again.”

Polanco hit a go-ahead single later in the inning and added an RBI single in the eighth.

“He’s been huge from both sides of the plate,” Raleigh said .

AL West champion Seattle traveled to AL East winner Toronto on Saturday after a 3-2 home victory over the Tigers on Friday to win the Division Series, the longest winner-take-all game in Major League Baseball history.

Seattle, the only MLB team to never host a World Series game, held Toronto to two hits after the Blue Jays had 50 hits and 34 runs in their four-game Division Series against the New York Yankees.

“We’re a really good offense,” Blue Jays manager John Schneider said. “Today it just didn’t work out.”

Toronto’s Vladimir Guerrero Jr. went 9 for 17 with three homers and nine RBIs against the Yankees but finished 0 for 4 Sunday with three groundouts.

“This is going to be a hard-fought series, man,” Schneider said. “These guys will be ready for it.”

Springer’s 21st postseason home run broke a tie with the Yankees’ Derek Jeter, moving him into sole possession of fifth place on the career list.

Raleigh’s homer was his fourth in 15 at-bats against Gausman, who took the loss.

“Up to that point, I’d been throwing the ball really well and had the game right there,” Gausman said. “This one’s on me.”

Gausman allowed two runs and three hits in 5⅔ innings.

“Great hitters capitalize on mistakes,” Schneider said. “That split from Kev just kind of leaked back over the middle a little bit.”

Raleigh hit a one-out single off Gausman in the first and advanced to third on Julio Rodríguez’s base hit but was thrown out at the plate by third baseman Addison Barger on Polanco’s grounder.

Polanco, who had the game-ending single Friday, singled against Brendon Little to drive in Rodríguez, who had chased Gausman with a two-out walk.

Polanco added another RBI single against Seranthony Dominguez.

Eugenio Suarez doubled off the top of the right-field wall against Louis Varland in the seventh. The 395-foot drive would have been a homer in 15 of 30 big league ballparks, including Seattle.

Toronto outfielder Nathan Lukes left in the fourth inning. Lukes bruised his right knee when he fouled a pitch off it in the first inning. Schneider said X-rays were negative and said Lukes might return Monday.

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Jays’ Springer leads off with 21st postseason HR

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Jays' Springer leads off with 21st postseason HR

TORONTO — The Blue JaysGeorge Springer homered on the first pitch from Seattle‘s Bryce Miller in the American League Championship Series opener Sunday, moving past the New York Yankees‘ Derek Jeter into sole possession of fifth place on the career list with his 21st postseason home run.

Springer’s 385-foot drive to right field on a fastball at the outside corner put Toronto ahead with the first postseason leadoff home run in Blue Jays history. Springer has 63 leadoff homers in the regular season, second to Rickey Henderson’s record 81.

Manny Ramirez hit a record 29 postseason homers and is trailed by Jose Altuve (27), Kyle Schwarber (23) and Bernie Williams (22).

However, also in the first inning, Blue Jays outfielder Nathan Lukes fouled a ball off his right knee, falling in pain. He stayed in the game and drew a 12-pitch walk, then flied out leading off the third and was replaced by Myles Straw for the start of the fourth.

The team said he bruised his knee and was being further evaluated.

Lukes went 4-for-12 with five RBIs in Toronto’s division series win over the Yankees, including a key two-run single in the Game 4 clincher. He also made a diving catch in Toronto’s Game 1 win.

The Associated Press contributed to this report.

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L.A. to start Snell in Game 1, Ohtani later in NLCS

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L.A. to start Snell in Game 1, Ohtani later in NLCS

MILWAUKEE — The Los Angeles Dodgers will start lefty Blake Snell in Game 1 of the NLCS against the Milwaukee Brewers on Monday night while righty Yoshinobu Yamamoto will get the ball in Game 2. It means Shohei Ohtani will get just one start in the series, during the middle leg back in Los Angeles.

“He’ll pitch at some point, but we just don’t know which day,” Dodgers manager Dave Roberts said on Sunday.

Unlike in previous spots, the Dodgers are not concerned with pitching Ohtani before a day off, choosing to maximize rest for the other starters as the team embarks on its first best-of-seven series this postseason.

“Not as important,” Roberts said. “I think just appreciating having four starters in a potential seven-game series and who can pitch potentially twice, and that’s kind of the impetus, versus Shohei having that day off after a game.”

Ohtani is hitting just .148 this month with a 4.50 ERA over six postseason innings. Roberts was asked if the pitching plan for him was related to his slump at the plate.

“No, not at all,” Roberts answered. “I think it was just kind of Shohei’s going to pitch one game this series. So, it’s one game and then you have two other guys that potentially can pitch on regular rest.”

The Brewers are likely to counter with an opener in Game 1 before handing the ball to a starter for “bulk” innings.

“Game 1 looks, ‘OK, who on our team that can give us length,'” Brewers manager Pat Murphy said. “[Jose] Quintana, [Quinn] Priester, something like that — give us bulk.”

Murphy indicated righty Freddy Peralta would start Game 2 and then they’ll figure out Game 3 after that. He wasn’t sure yet if rookie Jacob Misiorowski would start a game or pitch multiple innings out of the bullpen.

“I don’t know,” Murphy stated. “I really don’t know. That hasn’t been concrete yet. There’s a possibility he’d start.”

Rosters don’t have to be turned in until Monday morning, but the Dodgers are considering carrying just two catchers as Will Smith‘s hand injury isn’t a big concern. He caught the entirety of Games 3 and 4 in the NLDS.

“I have a couple of conversations to have shortly,” Roberts said. “But yeah, that’s a good thought.”

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